When The One You Love Beats You

Rihanna in early 2009 seemed to have it all; a hit record, money, love, acclaim. Everyone was vibing to her hypnotic single “Umbrella” and she was all set to receive awards and accolades from all over the industry. Then, on February 8th, 2009, two of the most up and coming stars of the R&B/Hip-Hop world clashed violently on the way back from a party. Soon, Rihanna’s bruised and battered face was all over the internet. Speculation ran rampant: what caused this young, golden couple to come to such a confrontation? Many rumors where out there, from an argument over cheating to finding out that one of the lover’s had given the other an STD but no one knew for sure what happened, except for the two people involved.

That’s domestic violence. No one outside can really judge or speculate accurately what goes on in an abusive relationship. Why do they stay? Why does he do it? Can they change? Is love enough?

I’ve been a victim. I had a boyfriend named Al (real name) that was very loving, at first. We had a whirlwind romance where within a week he was proposing marriage. He was jealous and possessive. Then he got physical. He’d hit me, beat me, kick me and curse me. He’d apologize. ‘Look what you made me do?’ he’d say. He’d cry with me. He’d acknowledge that he had a temper. ‘I get so angry because I love you so much’ as if strong emotions, good or bad was a good thing.

I don’t know why I bought into it. Maybe it was because I had very few relationships before and had no real frame of reference for what a relationship should be like. All the drama of a “Dynasty” episode? Maybe I wanted to believe his apologies and start fresh; even though we had only just started seeing each other. Low self esteem? Desperation? Loneliness? Naiveté? Sexual desire?

The last straw was when he beat me even though I was carrying his child. The look in his eyes told me that he was enjoyed seeing me in pain. He got a thrill from it. I had to do what any woman has to do in that situation; decide if I wanted to be in that relationship.

Al was never prosecuted for his crimes against me. I never called the police. My neighbors who heard the loud fights and eerie quiet afterward never called. My friends who saw the bruises never spoke about it.

Whether Al had changed his behavior is a mystery. I never saw him again after he left (I would like to say I threw him out, but I didn’t). He could have changed, got help. I felt bad for a long time afterwards that I didn’t get rid of him sooner, or saw the signs. I blamed myself for the beatings he gave me. Rihanna told Diane Sawyer this morning on “Good Morning America” that she went back “eight or nine times” and she was “blinded by love”. I know how that feels. I’m glad she saw the light. Some never do and remain in a dark place.

Then whose fault is it? The abuser or the person who stays? There has been a lot of blaming the victim and coddling of the abuser. The victim feels guilt, once they have the strength to leave, for not leaving sooner. If you leave, it’s a victory. You are only defeated if you stay knowing you should get out.

Stop the violence.