How to Fight "the Right Way"

August 30, 2011 by Tracey Thomas  
Published in Women

No couple or marriage is perfect. Everyone has disagreements and everyone argues (and if you don’t then there may be some deeper issues to look into!). But how do you fight "the right way", especially when kids are in the house?

At some point in every relationship, couples are bound to find themselves in the middle of a quarrel; some more than others. Maybe there is yelling, finger pointing, name calling, or even cursing. Feelings are hurt, things are said that can’t be unsaid, and a lot of times, the real issue at hand doesn’t even get resolved. And sometimes, there are children with you or at home when the arguing begins.

So is there a “right way” to fight? And if so, what is it? First, it’s important for everyone to know that fighting and arguing are not horrible things, as long as it doesn’t get out of control. First, you have to keep CONTROL of yourself; your thoughts, words, and actions. Remember that, whatever you say or do can’t be taken back later. The damage will be done and the hurt you may cause will be irreversible. So try not to be accusing – don’t use phrases like “you always” or “you never”. Instead, try phrases like “I feel like you don’t help as much as you could” or “when you do these things it makes me feel like you don’t care”. That way, it is less of a personal attack on them and more of a way to help them understand the way you are feeling. Also, make sure you LISTEN to the other person and acknowledge the way they are feeling and the things they are saying. It is important that you each feel like your voice was heard and that your feelings are valid. Always OWN UP to anything that is your fault, whether intentional or not. If you did something wrong, admit it and apologize. If you hurt someones feelings, apologize. Whatever it is that may have happened, just apologize. This can be one of the hardest things for some people, but the important part is that you humble yourself enough to do it and that you mean it. Don’t let your pride get in the way of letting the other person know that you are sorry for whatever it is that may have happened. You then need to RECONCILE. What can be done in the future to make sure this doesn’t happen again? Each person needs to contribute to a solution for whatever the issue is. And the final (and one of the most important) part, you need to FOLLOW THROUGH on the solution that you came up with. Telling someone that you are going to do this or that just to make them happy is only going to lead to another fight down the road and, most likely, it will be worse. 

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