Celibate in The City

September 20, 2010 by LaffingRain  
Published in Women

This is a draft of one woman’s experiences with men from childhood up to the present day. It will be made into a book some day and may undergo some editing process. In general I will speak of what makes a relationship work and what doesn’t and I will humorously depict the life of a sexy, celibate woman and the problems in communication that arise from that lifestyle.

Being Celibate, Starting From Any Point; Is This A Pun?

I drove over to my “I Work Miracles” dot cum, I mean dot com, s’cuse me. Cough. As I was saying, I went over there as soon as I woke up to share my status to anyone reading.

Status is a one liner found at the top of your profile page on an Internet forum. For months now I had put up there “You never know what you can do until you try.”
Today, I had to share I was starting this crazy book, so I put “Beginning my book Celibate In The City, Why Me Lord?”
I was making a little joke with the Why Me Lord? I honestly didn’t know I was going to follow a positive with a negative and I’d like to say humor is a great negative discharge idea. So far it’s working!
I do feel overwhelmed with the energies upon our planet now and who doesn’t? These energies of change and movement are so intense with the coming new age, which is actually already here, but we all seem to be either in the front of the wave or slightly behind the wave that is ready to smack the sandy beach. So with that brilliant observation let us get on with what it’s like to be celibate in a world where humping or bumping into one another seems to be the sole point of existence. All right. All right. Humping can also be defined as making love and in this book I hope to explain the differences between actually making love and making something that is unlike love. It is my sincere wish to reduce the rate of passionate crimes committed in the name of Love. I suppose instead of a relationship counselor, I could be aptly named a crime fighter lady cop. All I lack are the papers to prove it.
I’m sorry to say my last experience with sexual interchange was not like making love at all and to be frank, as I was in mid life crisis I suppose, I think I was efforting to bring a dead man back to life, and so you might say I was a necrophiliac? God forgive me. I think I was pretending to be in love. Is it possible to be in love with the concept of being in love? I wonder.
My ex-partner, a somewhat macho guy, brought this to my attention as if it was some kind of factual evidence of my wrong doing. “You’re playing house.” Said he matter of factly; while I considered carefully what the opposite of playing house was. I too late realized the opposite value of playing house was playing the field, his elected course of study.
And that boy had tried to warn me early on that he was a field player.  Ah, but love is blind, even pretend love is blind. And so I kept on playing house, as gee, if a woman has a man in her house, and if she has a house, isn’t it OK to play with your man in the house and fake it until you make it? That’s what women do, they make the homes that men live in. It’s like, well, traditional behavior.

Women give a man a home: A reason to come home

 I didn’t understand right away, that I had a non-committal man on my hands. There had to be a reason he didn’t approve of my homemaking venture.
Later I considered I must be getting my knocks. My experience in love affairs. I would write songs about this. I would sing them, then put them on the shelf and go raise poultry. I would learn to thank the last love for breaking my heart just so I could see what that was like.
I would read and live A Course In Miracles (ACIM) where the words “learn to forgive” would be written into every line. And when I understood the value of forgiveness I would be a very big person, generous with my time to others, loving and kind, and underneath a deep, penetrating sorrow mixed with an unyielding faith in the goodness of mankind would push me on.
As a died in the wool mystic, there was a happy ending to this last love affair and throughout this book there will be numerous mystical journeys to recount. One thing I noticed about mystical journeys, is the mystery of them.
Often enough writing about these journeys into outer/inner space yield up further information stored in the subconscious and so I decided I don’t mind the telling and the re-telling and it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going senile to be repeating myself. Writing should be an enjoyable task, even as every day that you live your life, you should smile or laugh, at least once every 24 hour period, and I’m sure that soon enough, you may find yourself smiling two times a day and then three, and so on and so forth. Life is more or less, the development of good habits.The closure of each relationship I’ve had can be said to be happy, but if not exactly leading to happiness or revelations that I was now experienced in matters of the heart, a sense of the scales of justice being balanced has always occurred and so when I say I have this infallible faith that things work out towards the good, despite appearances speak otherwise, time marches on and my faith catches up at some point to demonstrate unerringly that indeed, all things do end up with a good result. Only in time. Experience equates to illusive knowledge. We’re here for the long haul and there’s no short cuts.
I learned, or I learn present tense, only after the fact. That is how I gain in wisdom, by looking over my shoulder at what’s following me. Everyone becomes your teacher, and truth is, they don’t know they are your teacher because we are all asleep to our oneness.

Yet we are waking up to Oneness and how a relationship is One thing. For you couldn’t have this thing called a relationship unless there was person there to actually relate to, perhaps to play house with.

I was always proud of Ron’s body. He wasn’t too thin, nor too fat. I’d had all kinds of men, even obese ones, funny looking men were everywhere. I loved them all. I found something to love about them. My philosophy was nobody was perfect, and I had a lot of experience to get before I’d arrive to the celibacy factor and freedom from the search for a perfect relationship. The search for a perfect relationship, or the perfect mate is like a carrot dangling in the face of a donkey. Around mid life I began to take Kahlil’s advice, that I need not search for love, that if love found me worthy, then it would find me.
I myself was not considering that I had a great body or a beautiful face. All I had it seemed, was this ability to pretend I was in love, which led to the playing house factor that Reg dropped on me like a bomb. Gradually, I learned to accept what men said about me as containing a grain of truth, or a bit of salt on my wounds whichever it turned out to be.
One man ruined my feelings about being a complete woman, I think in a more or less permanent way. I wasn’t quite 50 years of age and he suggested I attain a boob lift. I thought they were nice looking myself considering my age.
After suckling two babes in my twenties, they were not exactly the perky sitting up high boobs of a teenager and I felt the compliment I was fishing for was not this kind of blunt honesty. I figured little white lies in a love relationship is quite OK. I had noticed that in some relationships the woman’s face could stop a clock, but the man was looking at her in rapturous adoration and they had something going on and I wanted that too.
Although people in true love are too busy being in love, to share their secrets with the rest of us, I would much later on, be taking notes on what makes a relationship work and what happens when you hear the get off the stage gong. That’s where you’ve made your bed, but you don’t want to lie in it anymore.
Oddly enough a minister of the Church of Metaphysics had given me a reading when I was quite wet behind the ears, to ask in a crowded room “are you studying to get married?”
I was embarrassed as my second husband to be sat beside me and had not popped the question yet.  I had no idea I was to study about relationships in this life. The minister was obviously very psychic.

Back to happy or balanced relationships with closure to them. I picked Reg out of a group of singles at a volleyball game to become my special friend. After reading ACIM I asked Spirit what I was to do.

I had no idea what to do with the rest of my life. Spirit said, do what you want. You can do nothing if you want. Go and have some relationships said Spirit.I perked up at the idea of having relationships and that maybe now, after reading ACIM, I’D FIND THE ONE!!! I had thought this was a good idea, even though that before I read ACIM I’d already had more than enough material to begin writing a book on what makes it work and what doesn’t. I was sincerely desiring someone to grow old with, to sit on a porch with and rock and just to be in love like that seemed like quite the ideal situation. Not to speak of the man I’d married had just died at the young age of 42. If any man had been right for me, it was him and we’d blown it somehow. I’d considered staying single after that. However, it seemed Spirit was telling me to go ahead and be adventurous and see what happens.
Um…right.  I was in for a merry go round and though I’d have some fun, I was in the end going to end up the way I came into this world.  An innocent virgin, naked and free and without experience of any kind, that I could remember.
I was leaving this world the same way; naked of belief systems meant innocent of error; being celibate meant I would return to virgin status in regards to my role of womanhood. The closure of all my relationships, meant justice and the erasure of karmic debt; no more looking over my shoulder to see what was following me. Keep in mind when I speak of justice, it’s in reference to the scales of a balanced mind, it’s more than just an eye for an eye theory.

Reg was psychic enough to understand he was bringing me his gift. I asked him what was his gift to me exactly? But he couldn’t say, he said that’s what his inner guide had told him. From him I would learn sorrow and pain, and that my lovemaking was not good enough to cure him from dying, nor even good enough for him to want to stay with me. He wanted to taste other women’s fruit.

He had programmed his life this way after a rather distasteful long marriage, where the woman had grown exceedingly obese. He wasn’t going to get himself stuck in a bad marriage at this time of his life. I suspected he played his part in her building walls of fat around herself, but I didn’t mention this though. I was hoping we could have a good and lasting relationship.
I totally understood him. He was looking for the many. I was looking for the One. Yet totally understanding is like hindsight is 20-20. Such is life. It wasn’t so much that my lovemaking was under par, as it was my revelation of how we use the body on this planet. ACIM, my drop of water in the desert admonished to always ask yourself What Is It For? Whatsoever you do, you get in the habit of asking yourself, NOW WHAT AM I DOING THIS FOR? Pretty soon, you ask yourself enough times, you begin to see not only why you are doing what you do, you begin to ascertain what the other person is doing it FOR! Lovemaking is not always done for the right reasons. That much I could see even back then. Could it be we think we can attain Love’s bliss through the body?
ACIM says the body does not really exist. It’s some kind of illusion, because of it’s temporary vehicle status. If you’re having difficulty with this concept just consider you will not see bodies in heaven weighing their self on a scale. We have bodies over yonder, of that I’m certain, but they are not physical and dense in that eternal home. I began to understand this point, that it’s our mind that does the lovemaking, not the body.

As far as my comparative sexual experience goes on this planet, a man considers his orgasm to be the attainment of bliss. Whatever bliss he is feeling may not be what she is feeling, because an emotion is personal, and belief systems are attached to emotions as well.

If the woman fails to achieve orgasm, the man frequently takes this guilty feeling on himself, or he does something just as annoying, rolls over and promptly begins loud snoring noises as if it never occurred to him this thing about foreplay and how important it is to the woman. If she does reach orgasm, it can be a circumstance of many factors:

 1. she may be certain he loves her, and so she feels safe.
 2. An automatic function of a well developed 2nd chakra
 3. general compatibility of the partners through self work 

To this hodgepodge add any and all of the complexities of opposite polarities interacting, and you’ll see why the area is a lifelong study for all of us, and why the experience of being a celibate woman is just as valid and real a journey as the journey of those we term promiscuous. Both of these labeled persons are studying the area of sexuality. In the overview, let us call life an experiment at best. Wisdom getting, may appear as accidental at times but there are no accidents. Orgasm afterglows have a way of fading away in the starkness of daily living. An energy exchange of polarities is a great boost and necessary for the propagation of the species but it is a human act and cannot compare with the bliss of communing with God. The act itself is not always a celebration which it could be. A celebration of love. This is why I say to ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing. It really helps to make love bonds that much firmer foundations to have this deep introspection on self which ACIM is asking us to do.
It seemed throughout my life, the less I wanted sex, the more the men wanted it. Then, the more I wanted it, the less men wanted to give it to me. Go figure!
And so Spirit knew what it was doing to link me up with non-ACIM buds. The average Joe. For they were lovable too and deserved love too. It would only end when programs in the mind, belief systems buried could not be openly discussed. And this was called getting your knocks. ACIM would make me a teacher of God whether I desired to be that or not. I did desire to teach, but apparently I had to get more experience before that could happen. We would learn from each other, and not necessarily the things we wanted to learn. It would work out in the long run, all things work for good, this is what I was learning as I went along.

In the next installment of this book I will tell the reader of the mystical journey where the scales of justice were executed between Reg and I.

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