Back in the Game

As our sweaty palms clasped and he leaned in for a kiss, I turned away just in time. A squeeze of my shoulder, a single spoken word, “goodnight” and then the sound I had been longing to hear all night…the closing of the door and the bolt sliding into place locking him on the outside and me in. I turned and leaned my back against the door, a huge sigh escaping on a breath held too long. I was home, the date was over and I could now change into my flannels, make some popcorn and catch up on my favorite show on TV. I felt a certain relief that I didn’t have to entertain my date any longer…that I didn’t have to smile politely and make small talk. I was actually glad that the date went badly…maybe I won’t have to see him anymore!

“What kind of attitude is that? Don’t you want to find a companion, a mate? You’ll not get one with this attitude…smarten up!” I have had this same conversation with myself for years and the answer is always the same.

“Yes, but…”

Why should I feel this way after a date? He was personable enough, the date fun and non-pressurizing, non-intimidating. Why is it so difficult for me to get back in the game? Does this sound familiar?

Had I been 30 years younger, that peck on the cheek that I avoided would have been a scorching lip-locker. The sweaty palms would have been all over my body instead of shoved into trouser pockets.

Am I any less sexual in my middle 50’s or have I more common sense now that it interferes with the mindless abandon of youth?

Thirty years ago, I would have taken 15 minutes to get ready and I knew I looked good. Now, it takes me all day to prepare for a two hour date and I wonder if I look good enough.

I see the bodies beautiful walking around half naked and wonder if he will be thinking of them when he is with me, glancing in their direction as they pass by, while nodding politely to my conversation.

Do I want to even be in the game anymore?

Midlife brings a certain level of contentment. At this age, I don’t have to get caught up in the drama of youth and everyday life. I can concentrate on me for a change and on the things that are important to me.

I am self reliant and have gained an independence that has taken a lifetime for me to feel comfortable in….and I love it! I have noticed that being this self reliant makes it difficult to accept help from others and some men like to feel that they re needed, that they can help me.

Dating requires a certain amount of energy and as energy goes, I spend mine wisely since I don’t wake up rearing to go anymore but coax myself into getting ready to start the day.

© February 26, 2008 Jozette Aaron