What Should You Do If Your Husband Has Started to Curse and Hurl Bad Words Every Time You Argue?

March 11, 2010 by Jejeizahfaye  
Published in Relationships

Cursing is a form of verbal and emotional abuse; it is destructive and does not form healthy relationships.

These hurtful words attack the character of the person, thus leaving painful effects long after the issues have been settled. They block effective communication because they render the listener defensive and protective of oneself, thus, leading to a vicious cycle of negativity.

But ignoring the other person’s attacks is not productive either, since this will not resolve your conflict. This only creates pent-up emotions that will someday resurface, perhaps even stronger. If your spouse cannot be stopped from shouting painful words, you can physical excuse yourself from the situation and say that you will return when you are both ready to have a decent conversation. Take a time-out.

When it comes to expressing yourself in these charged moments, it helps to use the “I” message. To construct one, describe the behavior that is interfering with you, then describe the feeling that the behavior produces in you. To complete the sentence, give your reason or wish. For example: “When you curse me like that, I feel so disrespected and hurt that I can’t listen to you…”

Let your husband have his chance to speak too, and try listening to what he is really saying. Identify the thoughts and emotions behind his words, and mirror these back to him. In counseling, this is called reflective listening. Ask yourself: “What is this person possibly feeling?” Think of the feeling word that best describes the emotion being expressed, then put that word in a tentative sentence form. When your husband has an outburst, you can say something like: “It seems that you are very angry with me…” By doing this, he will feel that you understand him and thus, he will calm down. Remember, angry people need to relax before you can have an intelligent and meaningful dialogue.  This is called empathy, which is the ability to enter the world of the other. Empathy is the language of the heart that allows couples to engage in a dialogue. When your spouse feels understood, he will then be ready to listen to you.

Agree to stop this hurtful pattern before the next argument happens. Couples need to establish their basic “rules of engagement” to avoid loading up on unresolved conflicts that threaten the marriage as a whole. Learn to speak and listen without being defensive. Learn to validate each other, and express love and concern.

Conflicts can lead to growth and happiness if resolved, but can lead to distress if not addressed respectfully. Married couples must confront issues with caring, recognize their individuality, and learn to negotiate for a win-win situation whenever possible through compromises.

I also have links to my other articles through my blogs: Sharing my Thoughts and Lifestyle Magazine for Moms

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6 Responses to “What Should You Do If Your Husband Has Started to Curse and Hurl Bad Words Every Time You Argue?”
  1. Ruby Hawk Says:

    You do have very good advise and I hope that aproach works. An abusive person usually has no bounderies and is not listening to anything you say. It’s a good aproach to try first. If it works it saves you a lot of trouble.

  2. Melody SJAL Says:

    Very helpful tips.

  3. Authoress Terry E. Lyle Says:

    Boundaries need to be set, great article.

  4. Rochelle Says:

    What if my boyfriend has randomly shouted with me for no reason whatsoever?
    My boyfriend had just come home from work, we said hello’s and so on, when i asked him how his day was he said: fine, just get off my back already.

    What should I do..? I know this isnt a question area but, I really need help

  5. sara Says:

    I’ve been married for 23 yrs & my husband acts like a toddler in a old mans body. I can’t communicate with him because everytime we start a conversation re finances, retirement, bills etc he shuts down & runs out of the room. I’m ready to dump his a@@ & we have very explosive fights that have recently gotten physical. He is abusive verbally. After 23 yrs I’ve had it with him. I feel like he conned me into marrying him because he presented himself as being someone he wasn’t. I feel like his mother because he’s unable or unwilling to take the steps necessary to protect us & he’s 18 yrs older
    As soon as my son graduates I think we will go our separate ways.
    I have to stay in the house to pay half the mortgage as it’s in both of our names. What can I do to diffuse this volatile
    situation

  6. Rose Says:

    My husband curses all the time and when I ask him to tone it down, he gets even angrier. Married for 9 yrs. and his volatile personality has me so upset that I dread to ask him anything. He also has said that he doesn\’t care who hears him while he\’s yelling at me so closely that his spit is going into my face. He hasn\’t abused me physically but, emotionally, I\’m really feeling battered and at my wits end. He calls me every name in the book and doesn\’t care about it. He\’s yelled at me in public to the point that I walked home without him. He didn\’t even bother to look for me. What can I do? He also refused counseling.


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