Top Ten Lies Told by Men

Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.  Of course this is after you wake them up from a deep sleep after Thanksgiving dinner of total Triptophan and several glasses of wine and say, “Honey, you were looking at me funny over the dinner table.  Is everything OK?”  Of course if you lay there in bed just long enough for them to fall asleep again and then shake them and say, “I can’t sleep.  Can you hold me?”  I can guarantee everything will not be fine.

This will be my last drink.  I can’t believe this isn’t number one.  If your honey is saying this it means either one of two things.  It’s your last drink because you’re now designated driver or the last drink is a yard of beer so yes, he is telling the truth.  If it really is his last drink, you’d be amazed at how long they can milk a drink.  How you handle this lie determines how well the “Honey, I’m fine.” Lie turns out later that night in bed.

 No, your butt doesn’t look big in that.  You shouldn’t be asking your loved one how your butt looks in those jeans because if they answer truthfully then they won’t be going out to have that “last drink” because you can’t decide on what to wear.  Or they could be truthful because they’re ready to “get some” and know that’s one way to get your pants off quickly.  Later when you wake them up and tell them you don’t “feel pretty”, the “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine” won’t sound right.

I had no signal.  This lie is because they are out and don’t want to lie and say, “This is my last drink” and you’re still home looking for the perfect pair of pants that don’t make your butt look big.  They know the call coming through the cell phone is the “Where are you and can you pick up milk on the way and then go and sit at the cubscout pack meeting and sing Kumbaya a few times?”  It’s easier to just say you didn’t have a signal when you get home and suffer through the wake in the middle of the night.  This is a great way to get away with the boys and not have to check in at home.

My Battery Died.  Since you’ve bought him a new fancy schmancy phone, this is the only way to get out of the “Where are you” phone call.  My battery died then allows a full night of getting away from every responsibility.  No signal can only last so long, at most an hour unless you are away with your buddies then it can last the weekend. 

Sorry, I missed your call because I didn’t have a signal.  What?  No, really my battery went dead.  What?  No that was my last drink, really.  Honey, nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.

I didn’t have that much to drink.  It was only one, yeah I understand that the Heineken Minikeg has several beers in it, but I used the same glass all night.  Are you going to wake me up again?  I’ll go sleep on the couch.  They will still use this lie when their buddies drop them off in the middle of the front yard and sulk off only to call from the cell phone, who’s battery died, for you to come outside and get them.

I’m on my way.  I love this one, as a wife when I hear this I know that they’re not on their way, there’s a good 30 minutes before they are on their way.  When I can hear the wind in the car or the radio then I know that they are TRULY on their way.  This one came from the first phone call that was ignored because they didn’t have a signal, the second because their battery was dead.  The third because they accidently answered the phone when they were not supposed to and it’s you on the line.  “I’m on the way.”

It wasn’t that expensive.  This one was learned from us ladies.  Really, they don’t ever buy themselves anything so we can probably let this one go, unless of course it’s a car or a boat, and then check the bank account immediately!

I’m stuck in traffic.  Translated to I want to spend some time with my friends, this isn’t my last drink, I’ve given up using the phone excuses.  They may even ask a friend to make a honking noise to make it sound authentic.  Just lock the door and let them sleep in their new car, that wasn’t that expensive, until you wake them in the middle of the night because you still want them to hold you.

Face it, sometimes they may lie about those little things, but loving you-that’s not a lie!