Self Help: A Twenty-something Girl’s Guide to Life Issues

Keeping your man….. or not.

I have been blessed to be one of the few young girls who really feels that her relationship may last forever. This is not to say that I feel that there will not be struggles and arguments, because that is a part of every relationship, and believe it or not, sometimes it can actually be a healthy part of a relationship. My boyfriend and I began dating during our senior year of high school and it has turned into what is now almost four years of…bliss(?). We have seen each other at our highest (take it as you will) and lowest. We have overcome our bigger arguments, but this has not always been easy. The primary reason being that I am a woman, he is a man, and we are different to the core. When I am upset, the first thing I feel the need to do to get over it is to vent, and he is always the one I turn to. He, on the other hand, shrugs problems off, lets them roll off of his shoulders, and just wants to forget and move on. So how on earth can two such different styles of coping mesh? The answer is…. we often don’t. Our bickering normally ends in somewhat of a compromise; me calling him and letting out all of my thoughts, him listening (or pretending to), replying with his viewpoint, and both of us agreeing to forget and put the issue behind us. Although this method may not work for everyone, we are lucky enough to both be the type of people who are not afraid to admit our mistakes, and this is what really makes problems between us less severe.

Because I have had few boyfriends and gone on such a small number of first dates that I could count them on one hand, I can’t give much firsthand advice about what to look for in a boyfriend or life-partner, but over the years I have gained a great bit of knowledge from the outside looking in at many of my friends’ relationships, and I will inform you with some things that I have learned. Number one, if looking for someone to be in a relationship with, do not date someone simply out of convenience. Say, for example, that all of your friends date people and they always hang out together which makes you feel like the extra wheel. That’s perfectly okay. Just act cool with it, even if you are not. Be patient, it will come. And I promise, many times your friends who are no longer single will feel somewhat jealous about you being able to flirt with cute guys in the bar. Dating out of convenience forces a relationship on two people who may have absolutely nothing in common, and chances are that one person will end up falling hard and the other would rather be with someone who he/she falls in love with naturally. Although these types of relationships probably have survival stories by couples out there somewhere in the world, probably much like arranged marriages, it is important to realize how big this world is, the vast number of opportunities for love that are out there, and how blessed we are to have freedom to search for the person who is best for us.

What should I do if we are constantly arguing? I hear this question so much, and the answer is, it’s up to you. First, talk to your partner and bot of you take some time to analyze the arguments. Find out if they are really worth all of the stress, or if you and your partner are just being stubborn and trying to get the last word in. If the latter is the case, you should both work on listening to each other, compromising, and not sweating over the small stuff. Life is to short, and each day that you spend arguing is a day that is lost. Spend each day as if it could be your last. Next is the answer that no one really wants to hear. If you feel like the arguments cannot be resolved, and they really aren’t worth your time, you may just have to give up. No relationship is so good that it is worth it to argue all of the time. No one wants to hang out with a couple who cannot get along, and i guarantee that when you do find a partner who you do not spend much time arguing with, you will feel more happy and complete. If you are young (or even young at heart) and are unhappy in your relationship, have tried everything you can think of to make it work, and it still comes to an end, do not let it bring you down. Be strong and embrace the opportunities that await you. After all, things can only start to look up from where you have already been. Learn to love yourself again. Grow confident. Most importantly, guard your heart and do not allow yourself to fall back into that place where you were filled with weakness and powerlessness.

Is he really the one for me? I believe that at some point we all ask this question. It is a part of life. We will always wonder if there is something better around the corner and if we are reaching our full potential in our love lives. It may be after the first date, or the hundredth, the last few minutes before you walk down the alter, or maybe fifty years into your marriage, but I promise this question will a some point peek it’s ugly head. The best way to answer this is to ask yourself if you are in love? Do you constantly look at other men and think “What if i was with him?”? Above all, do you feel happy with where you are in your relationship? Do you feel like you have someone who will do anything for you? Someone you can trust? Someone who loves you for all of the right reasons? Someone you can see yourself with forever? Someone you are attracted to both inside and out? Someone you connect with on all levels? If the answer to these is yes, then it seems that you have little or nothing to be worried about. But if you are young and question this and feel the need to find out if he’s right, I would urge you to talk to him before you go and experiment on your own. If he is the right one, chances are that he actually wants you to find out the answer to this question before both of you get in too deep. Ask him how he feels and if he is in this relationship for the long-haul, because it is important for both of you to be on the same page.

What if I want more than he does? This is a question that I have definitely struggled with. Many young couples have this issue. It is often because the two of you may be at different places in your lives. In my case, I have graduated from college and he has not. Maybe one of you doesn’t want to settle down quite yet. This can be very tough, it can make you feel like you aren’t totally wanted. Do not get depressed. Do not end the whole relationship just because you feel like you cannot wait for some time. Remember, love is patient. And if you are like me, think about what a marriage consists of… first off, what is one of the leading cause of most divorces? Finances. And if life my situation, neither one of you have a job or career yet, it only makes sense to wait. Maybe your partner just wants to give you the very best that he can offer, and he knows that he cannot provide you with that right now. That is just fine. It will come, I promise, and in the end you will be more happy for waiting. I have seen many relationships grow shaky because one person scares the other about the future. Many couples will admit that when they realized that the next step in their relationship was marriage, things got slightly shaky. Often times, the man will admit that he grew afraid and tried to run away from the reality of it all. I do believe that certain things should be discussed before you dive into a marriage, such as views on children and if one of you has the desire to move away. These could be HUGE problems if you become married and then learn that your husband does not want the same things that you do.

If you have read this, you have already realized that the thing that all of these questions have in common is that they cannot be addressed directly with one, certain answer. They must be dealt with on a more personal basis, because all people and all relationships are different. The one thing that can help with all of these issues is to center every part of the relationship around God. He should be the main focus, and everything else will fall into place. He wants the best for you, and if you are patient, He will give it to you. Mere satisfaction in a relationship is not what Christ wants for you, He wants you to revel in every aspect in it, to delight in what He has blessed you with.