How to Make Your Man Stay Faithful: The N-p Tips
Believe it or not, there are men out there who wouldn’t dream of sneaking off for a tryst with a willowy brunette. Here’s a guide to tracking them down.
N is for Nourishment
Relationship books say that if you want a man to be faithful, you should ensure that he feels nourished. They never quite explain what this means, but it seems to boil down to behaving as much like Mummy as possible, then bonking his brains out. This seems like garbage to me, and likely to provoke a screeching Oedipal psychosis (see L), but there are those who swear it.
O is for Obsessionality
It’s surprising how many men are obsessional. It’s fine if they’re obsessional about you, but an equally powerful guarantor of fidelity seems to be an obsession with almost anything: stamps, steam engines, model aeroplanes, orchids, pit bull terriers. Though there are dangerous obsessions-rubber wear and massage parlors, for example.
P is for Poverty
…and if you think we live in an egalitarian society, you’re wrong. A perquisite of infidelity is a healthy cash flow. He cat bring her back to his place for an intimate dinner a deux, so that’s $100 down the tubes before he’s even got to the “I’m living in the ashes of a deal relationship” stage, never mind the “We go our own ways; I feel there is a strong affinity between us; I feel I can really talk to you” stage. Then there are flowers hotel rooms, weekends away, new underwear, fancy aftershave and credit card interest bills. Poor men don’t have these options and so are faithful.