The Valuation of a Friendship

January 17, 2009 by Milla Joy  
Published in Friendship

How to approach problem-solving issues with a dear friend.

I recently did the mistake of not trusting my best friend. A friend I value and respect more than any other person. A friend who deserves only the best. For she has always been there for me, and I wish I will always have the chance to be there for her.

I didn’t trust that she could solve her own problems.

I was, and still am, deeply hurt that I didn’t support her when she most needed it. Not that this unfortunate situation lasted for a long time, cause it didn’t. It is more the fact that I wasn’t able to follow my own spoken words, my own values of action in this matter.

I tried to help her when she didn’t need my help. I failed to see her attempt of action as fruitful ones. I failed to see that what she was doing was her way of solving the problems. 

She didn’t wish to do it my way.

Because I care so much for her, I often end up wanting to create solutions for her difficult life situations. How do I allow this to happen? How can I avoid it and become more conscious about its manifestations?

I’m glad I have been forced to question my own actions through this incident. Forced to rethink my situation and motives. This helps me realize that I need to let go. I need to let go of the constant search to help people by giving them solutions, because the only one who can truly do that are themselves. We can guide them in the right direction and follow them through, and that is our task. Our only one.

What a reminder it was for me to experience this. As you preach you must act – indeed it is so. 

And I forgot that, for a second. Hopefully I will remember it for the future to come. Remember that in order to truly valuate my friends, I have to let go of my ego. My ego that tells me that “I need to help her, I need to solve her problems”. 

I will change this thought process into something like: “She is strong, she can handle this. I trust her and her own abilities to solve the problem. I will be here for guidance and support whenever she asks for it or otherwise gives the impression that she needs it”. 

Something like that.

When these kind of circumstances occur it is often difficult to know whether to interact or to take a few steps back, observe, and when necessary give guiding advice. It is a fine balance between these two options and many times we’ll be lost in deciding if we are to intervene or not.

By asking myself the question how I would feel if my best friend wanted to solve my problems, the answer becomes quite clear.

And as I am true to my self and my own needs, I have to remember to always be true to my friends.

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3 Responses to “The Valuation of a Friendship”
  1. Mercedes Selvira Says:

    How true. We would all do well to remember this.

  2. Joni Keith Says:

    You must be a great friend to take the time to recognize the error of your ways. It takes a good person to stand back and realize they may be wrong. I’m certain your friend understands and appreciates you for that.

  3. sable Rose Says:

    Wow, I suffer with the same illness, the need to help anyone that is hurting, but I too have learned that I can’t save the world.

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