Meeting Someone New in Later Life

I was not expecting to meet someone, nor was I seeking to do so. In fact I had almost been avoiding situations which might lead to me meeting someone new. All my friends were safe, married, committed to someone, too young or too old for me to have to consider. I was beginning to look forward to spending the rest of my life with no commitment to another outside my family. Of course I have children and grandchildren whom I adore. But there was to be no-one else – no substitute for a lost partner of 40 years.

Then I relaxed and let down my guard, attending a function where I thought I knew everyone. When I wasn’t looking a lovely, funny man came up and introduced himself to me, and I was on the path to disaster. Well, or path to a fulfilling relationshp in later life, or even a new and threatening friendship. I laughed, such a lot, and let myself be attracted to someone who was not rendered safe by a marriage or a partnership.

A month went by. I thought of him a lot and we emailed each other, since I was away travelling. Even in emails he still made me laugh. We clearly had to meet again. Throwing caution to the winds I went to an event that I knew he would be at. He was late. I sensed his arrival, behind me. When a break in the proceedings happened he rushed toward me. Horrified at my reaction (like – I was excited and wanted to speak to him!) I hugged him and we resumed where we had left off. He made me laugh. He also made me blush.

I blush a lot nowadays. He has an unfortunate habit of grabbing me, just when I am least expecting it. He also tells me he loves me at the drop of a hat. And it’s probably obvious to those around us that he loves me. It’s equally obvious to me, that, though I don’t yet feel quite so effusive about him, this new friendship has truly rattled my cage. I didn’t even know I was in a cage – albeit self-imposed – but I was, and it is being rattled!

I’m not ready yet to commit to anything. I feel frightened, apprehensive, excited, appalled, amazed by the mix of emotions that I am experiencing. I’ll give you one thing; I’m not at all bored. On the contrary, I have not felt so, so – oh, I don’t actually know quite what I do feel. I know that having someone love me like this is not an easy burden to bear. With it comes responsibilities that I do not want. I might hurt him, be unkind to him, be unable to respond appropriately to him.

As the old saying goes, ‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’. Well, I’ll be seventy in two years, and expect to live another thirty-minimum. Do I want to spend some of those years with this man? Yes, I think I do. Do I want to live with him? No, I think not. Will I change my mind about the latter? I simply do not know. The door is open and I am terrified to walk through it. I think I’ll dither for a bit and see where it takes me.

I am  honest and open to him about my feelings, or lack of them. I am trying really hard to let him know what is going on in me, insofar as I know. When I get confused or harassed I let him know. When things get too much for me I make it clear. What more can I do. He is another human person with needs and wants, and he deserves to get what he modestly hopes to from his life. It seems I am that thing. What a terrible responsibility that is. Let’s hope I’m up to it.