Comforting Your Bff

Comforting Your “BFF”

The ability to effectively comfort people is a crucial component of successful friendships, especially women’s friendships.

Many times when your girlfriend is hurting or confused or angry she will pick up the telephone and call you– her best girlfriend-and later wish that she hadn’t. What began as a call made based on trust, becomes a pivotal point in your friendship and her first thought is to never speak to you again. In fact, she wonders if you really are the friend she thought you were. The answer is simple. Yes, you are her best-friend forever. You have the desire to help through whatever comes, but-you are one of many people who simply don’t know how to comfort.

The Wrong Way to Comfort

Relationship etiquette has taught us that one of the main tasks of being a BFF is to “be there” for the other person. Many people interpret that expectation to mean they are obligated “to do or say something significant” when their BFF is experiencing some level of emotional pain. It is that desire to provide significant support that explains how you-a well-intentioned girlfriend-can get side-tracked from providing comfort.

Its very easy to use counterproductive approaches when the time comes to provide emotion support. After all, we know what the stresses are in her life, we’ve heard it all before and the kind of drama women become involved in frequently tends to be predictable. And so, you:

• Fail to really listen, and wait only long enough in the dialogue to receive an impression of what is being said
• Quick to come to the rescue, you jump right in and begin to give unsolicited advice
• Wanting to empathize, you innocently impose your own frame of reference on the situation
• Or if you are functioning from a low emotional-level, you may decide its time to be direct and become highly critical of your girlfriend’s actions and concerns
• You might be the kind of friend who thinks that the practice of positive thinking will decrease your girlfriend’s pain and so you make comments like “don’t worry–it’ll get better” or “that’s just life.”

Simply stated–comforting is not effective when it comes in the form of unsolicited advice or is inappropriately critical and sounds like a put-down or tries to minimize the problem. Support like that is not comforting at all. It is merely a reaction. As unbelievable as it may be-it is an insensitive reaction. Now that you know, forgive yourself for doing it and forgive your BFF for feeling somewhat let down.

Showing Comforting Concern

When a girlfriend calls you to lament, she is not necessarily looking for a resolution to her problem. She is looking for comfort. To effectively comfort, a person must learn to comfort. It is not innate or acquired.

Comforting is a learned skill and it requires emotional strength. To be a comforting person, you have to exhibit patience, openness and the desire to understand. Understand that comforting cannot be limited to knowing you need to listen and knowing how to listen-you must also understand what you are hearing. Understanding does not require your agreement; it requires your skill at empathy (the ability to put yourself in another person’s place). It requires your willingness to listen rather than to give advice.

Recognize Your Friend’s Feelings

The first step is to recognize the friend’s feelings and pain. Listen for your girlfriend’s perspective, listen for information that tells you how she is feeling about the situation she’s describing. If you’re not sure of what she’s feeling, ask her, “How are you feeling?” Acknowledge her pain, embarrassment, anger or whatever other feeling she’s experiencing. Allow her the time she needs to talk about what she’s feeling. When a person can talk about their feelings (good or bad) they can work through them

Let Your Actions Show You Care

The second thing you want to do is to express caring concern for your girlfriend’s well-being. Make sure you express concern in every statement you make. If possible, go wherever she is. And, if possible, take her some place where the environment will have a calming effect. In moments of emotional pain, people feel increased stress. Knowing that others care about them reduces that stress. Your actions will show that you care.

When It’s Time For Advice

The key to successful comforting is being able to create a moment of peace for the person in need. Perform one comforting act at a time and feel confident that the time will come when your girlfriend will ask for your advice or comment. This simple rule applies if what you have to say is going to be critical: begin and end with a positive, putting the criticism in the middle of your commentary.

Train yourself to be the kind of BFF who is there and who listens. Remember, say only what is necessary for your girlfriend to hear and say it in the kindest way possible. Watch and you will see that, in turn, your BFF will find someway to provide you with comfort when you most need it. It works.

The thing is-your BFF is worth the effort. She is the family you chose for yourself.