Best Friends

It has been said that A Diamond is a Girl’s Best Friend. Good marketing strategy, terribly philosophy of life, in my not so humble opinion. A diamond. Hmm. Certainly as a man I would tend to disagree pretty much wholeheartedly on the financial aspect alone. I can think of a hundred things that would be better friends than a diamond. Okay, this girl is in a jungle and comes across a lion, a hungry and ornery lion. A diamond doesn’t do much if the lion starts to attack. Oh sure, she may swipe the lion and possibly irritate it with a rock on her finger, but the lion, in the end, will get the diamond and quite possibly the whole arm. I suppose in this case the diamond would be my wife’s good friend since she makes arms and legs for a living and ultimately it would be good for my family since we would benefit from more business. But with the lion, a large high-velocity rifle would be a much better friend than a diamond could ever be. Sorry Helzburg’s or de Beers, but a Smith&Wesson and Remington win out every time.

Or take the case of that same girl being robbed at gunpoint in the streets of a major city. What would she rather have, a diamond or a handgun? Well, if she chooses the diamond as her ‘best friend’ she’ll lose that best friend in a New York minute. But with a handgun she gets to keep her life and her sanity, and know that she thwarted a thug who would have otherwise been trying to steal her so-called best friend or any other valuable that she had on her person. The priorities of some people just amaze me sometimes.

I’ve even heard the newest best friend of a girl’s is chocolate. Chocolate. Imagine that. That’s worse yet. Ever try to curl up to a bar of dark chocolate Godiva’s? How long could you actually curl up to it before it starts melting. Even a handful of ‘melt in your mouth, not in your hands’ M&Ms would be a messy disaster if cuddled with for over fifteen minutes in your hand. Again, a girl’s in the jungle, what would she rather have as a friend, a Hershey’s bar or anything else that would save her life? Even if she had the chocolate bar, the lion is going to enjoy that AND her. So, she loses her best friend Hershey and an arm or two. It’s not my idea of a fair fight necessarily, but no one ever informs the lions that they needed to be fair. A person just might line my wife’s pockets trying. And this all says nothing about a person who eats her best friend – chocolate – every chance she gets. What kind of best friend is THAT?

Women, you’ve got to choose better ‘best friends.’

Now before I’m accused of being overly chauvinistic I’ll talk about a man’s best friend, his dog. Has anyone ever – ever – asked a dog who HIS best friend is? Do you honestly think it’ll be his master, the man? Again, a dozen better friends come to mind. A thick steakbone perhaps. The well-groomed white poodle on the other side of the picket fence maybe. But, a man? I’ve even heard a relative say that his dog is his best friend because he talks with the family. Talks…with…the…family. No doubt they have discussions about the state of world affairs, religion, and current issues related to investing in the stock market. He says the dog knows what he wants and will come running. Essentially, he barks (?talks?) on cue, the dog, that is. The dog may communicate perhaps, but talk? I don’t think so. I was ridiculed for suggesting otherwise. A dog has got to choose better friends if he wants to survive in this world. A man – even one who firmly believes his dog actually talks to him – would be wise to do the same.