A Summary and Analysis of How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie for Practicing and Aspiring Managers

Cover of How to Win Friends & Influence People

Executive Summary

    We live in an era of perpetually evolving technology that makes communication a target quality of successful people. This book gives an in-depth overview of the communication skills needed in order to win friends and influence people. The first section gives you the techniques required in order to handle certain situations. It emphasizes how you should restrain from making rash decisions. The best way to approach a situation is to give appreciation which will promote good will. It offers alternatives to criticism that will avoid discouragement. People are primarily interested in their own wants and needs. In order to get what you want, you must emphasize how the other person could benefit from it.
    The next section informs readers of how to make people like you. It’s important to show interest in the other person and to encourage them to talk about themselves. Listening is a key aspect of friendship and is a highly valued trait. Many people judge a book by a cover, especially when it’s a first impression. The emotions you display and the persona you emit convey they type of person you are. It tells people whether you are social, shy, happy, prudish, or mean. Smiling will make you look approachable. The central concept to making people like you is making them feel important. Whether it’s by talking about the other person’s interests or simply remembering their name, you will leave a lasting impression.
    There are many different principles to follow when trying to win people to your way of thinking. Arguing is never the answer because you will never win. Even if you do, you have lost the good will of your opponent. You should never say the other person is wrong because it immediately invokes a defensive response. In order to avoid an argument, you should begin in a friendly manner and, if necessary, admit you are wrong. Let the other person do most of the talking so that you can fully understand their way of thinking. This will strengthen your case during further discussion of the topic. Another method is to subliminally implant your idea into the other person’s mind. They are more likely to comply if they think the idea is their own. Understanding other perspectives is key to success. You must be able to assess all angles of a situation in order to fully initiate a solution. The last suggestion is to throw down a challenge. A competition encourages people to work at their full potential.

A leader’s job often entails having to change people’s behavior which can lead to resentment. There are several ways to approach this type of situation without offending people. Beginning with praise will make people more susceptible to criticism. When you have to confront them about their mistakes, try talking about your own mistakes first so that they feel less threatened. Call attention to their mistake indirectly, and make them feel as if it is easy to correct. By downplaying the magnitude, they won’t feel discouraged. People can become indignant when being ordered around or told what to do. You have better control over someone whenever you treat them as an equal. Instead of giving them direct orders, ask questions. Praise is a very powerful concept that can fuel a person’s success. Many people are driven by encouragement. You can inspire people by making them realize their full potential. Giving praise for every improvement will keep people motivated to work hard and do their best

The Ten Things Managers Need to Know from How to Win Friends & Influence People

   
1.    There have been several studies that have tested behavioral reinforcement theories. The findings suggest that positive reinforcement will cause the subject to learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than when it is punished for bad behavior. Negative reinforcement is wounding and can incur resentment which is ultimately demoralizing.

2.    The only way to get people to do what you want is to make the other person want to do it. Other methods such as threats can lead to negative repercussions. The easiest desire to gratify is the need to feel important. This desire is what drives us to work hard and do our best. Offering honest praise and a sincere appreciation will get people to respect and remember you.

3.    It is human nature to talk about what we want. In order to influence other people, you need to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Our wants influence every move we make, so to get people to do what you want, you must enlighten them on what they could get out of it and how they could benefit.

4.    You will make more friends by becoming interested in other people rather than trying to make them interested in you. Making friends requires time and effort. You need to listen and take an interest in what is going on in the other person’s life. This method is highly effective in the workplace because showing genuine interest in someone promotes loyalty and respect.

5.    In order to get someone to like you, you must make it apparent that you like them. Whenever you greet someone, make it obvious that you are happy to see them. All it takes is heartwarming smile to brighten someone’s day. Everybody seeks happiness, and the one sure way to find it is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness depends on the state of your mental attitude, so try thinking positively of everything that happens to you. Be happy and smile!

6.    People place great importance on their name.  Whether you remember it or see their name tag, people feel special when their name is mentioned. The name sets the individual apart from others. This technique is highly effective when you are in charge of lower-level employees. Knowing their names will make them feel important and respected which will motivate them to work hard.

7.    Listening is an extremely important facet when it comes to relationships. In order to become a good conversationalist, you must listen intently and give the illusion of fascination. Listening is one of the highest compliments you can pay anyone. People are naturally more interested in themselves than in other people. If you encourage them to talk about their self, you are likely to create a friendship.

8.    You can’t win an argument. Even if you do, you have hurt the other person and have lost his good will. Therefore, the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Most people have trouble listening to other people’s opinions during an argument and immediately assume they’re wrong. You should always consider their points, and never say they are wrong because that makes them less likely to try and understand your perspective.

9.    Whenever you know you are about to be criticized, do it yourself. It’s a lot easier to bear criticism when it’s not coming from someone else. Admitting your wrong quickly and empathetically gives the other person a feeling of importance.

10.    As a leader, you are expected to change your follower’s attitude and behavior. You should begin with honest praise and encouragement for any improvement. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders to make them feel empowered. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person, call attention to the mistake indirectly, and make the mistake seem easy to correct. An effective leader should motivate their follower to do their best instead of discouraging them with harsh criticism.

Full Summary of How to Win Friends & Influence People

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. There have been several studies that have tested behavioral reinforcement theories. The findings suggest that positive reinforcement will cause the subject to learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than when it is punished for bad behavior. Negative reinforcement is wounding and can incur resentment which is ultimately demoralizing.
2. The only way to get people to do what you want is to make the other person want to do it. Other methods such as threats can lead to negative repercussions. The easiest desire to gratify is the need to feel important. This desire is what drives us to work hard and do our best. Offering honest praise and a sincere appreciation will get people to respect and remember you.
3. It is human nature to talk about what we want. In order to influence other people, you need to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Our wants influence every move we make, so to get people to do what you want, you must enlighten them on what they could get out of it and how they could benefit.

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People like You

1. You will make more friends by becoming interested in other people rather than trying to make them interested in you. Making friends requires time and effort. You need to listen and take an interest in what is going on in the other person’s life. This method is highly effective in the workplace because showing genuine interest in someone promotes loyalty and respect.
2. In order to get someone to like you, you must make it apparent that you like them. Whenever you greet someone, make it obvious that you are happy to see them. All it takes is heartwarming smile to brighten someone’s day. Everybody seeks happiness, and the one sure way to find it is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness depends on the state of your mental attitude, so try thinking positively of everything that happens to you. Be happy and smile!
3. People place great importance on their name.  Whether you remember it or see their name tag, people feel special when their name is mentioned. The name sets the individual apart from others. This technique is highly effective when you are in charge of lower-level employees. Knowing their names will make them feel important and respected which will motivate them to work hard.
4. Listening is an extremely important facet when it comes to relationships. In order to become a good conversationalist, you must listen intently and give the illusion of fascination. Listening is one of the highest compliments you can pay anyone. If you encourage them to talk about their self, you are likely to create a friendship.
5. Whenever you are trying to win someone over, you should always focus on the other person. This involves getting to know their interests and learning about those interests. This will be helpful in conversations and is deemed impressive. Talking in terms of other people’s interests pays off for both parties. They get to talk about what they enjoy while you can earn their good will and friendship.
6. Always make an effort to make the other person feel important. Whether or not you have an ulterior motive, giving compliments or offering praise has a positive effect on your reputation. Inquiring about the other person’s interests often creates a friendship. People are born with an innate desire to feel important, so if you can fulfill it, they are likely to remember it and come back for more.

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. You can’t win an argument. Even if you do, you have hurt the other person and have lost his good will. There are several ways to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument such as controlling your temper, listening first, finding areas of agreement, being honest, and avoiding a defensive reaction. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it altogether.
2. Most people have trouble listening to other people’s opinions during an argument because they are too worried about what they are going to say. Never begin a dispute by saying they’re wrong because that will instigate a defensive reaction. If you take the high road and show respect for their opinions, they are likely to follow suit.
3. Whenever you know you are about to be criticized, do it yourself. It’s a lot easier to bear criticism when it’s not coming from someone else. Admitting your wrong quickly and empathetically gives the other person a feeling of importance.
4. When confronting a controversy, you should always begin in a friendly manner. Approaching someone with an uncontrolled temper or rude manner will cause them immediately disagree. If you want to effectively solve an issue, you need to get the point across that you are a friend and that you are being sincere. Once this has been established, you can present the issue with a clear head and are more likely to find a solution to the issue.
5. From the beginning, you need to get the other person to say “yes” rather than “no.” This word can have an extremely negative connotation when it comes to trying to influence the other person. It will take a lot of effort to get that person to change their mind because it is affecting their pride. Therefore, you must begin in the affirmative direction by focusing on common ground and emphasizing the things on which you agree.
6. Letting others do most of the talking gives you the opportunity to learn more about that person. This kind of knowledge is useful in the art of influencing. You should ask questions to stimulate the conversation and take mental notes. People are more likely to talk their selves into something rather than listening to someone else. Listen intently, don’t interrupt, and encourage them to fully express their ideas.
7. A great method of influencing someone to your way of thinking is to give them an idea and make them think that it’s their own. It’s often more effective to make suggestions to someone and let them think out the conclusion rather than bombarding them with your opinions. People have more faith in ideas that they discover than in ideas that are handed to them.
8. When ever there are opposing views, try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Attempting to understand different angles shows character and maturity. It also helps to avoid further dispute. By “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes,” you are inviting the other person to collaborate. With the cooperation of both parties, the combination of opinions and knowledge can create an effective solution.
9. This principle takes the previous one a step further by making you look at the bigger picture. You must go beyond simply understanding the other person’s way of thinking. You should realize that each person has their own desires, opinions, and feelings. You should be sympathetic to other people by not blaming them for their opinions. Instead, try to understand why they feel the way they do.
10. In order to change people, you must appeal to the nobler motives. This is tricky because in many situations, it’s common to have an uncontrolled temper leading to rash decisions. Instead of wasting your opportunity, take a tactical approach and consider your options. This method is similar to reverse psychology. In order to get what you want, you must emphasize a reason that would make the other person comply instead of focusing on your own reasons.
11. People are more likely to receive a message when it is dramatized. You must know how to catch attention in order to get what you want. In this world of evolving technology, you must be able to captivate your audience through the means of vivid facts, interesting material, and an over-the-top presentation.
12. Many people are driven by competition and the desire to excel. By presenting a challenge, you can get people to work at their full potential. It also sets a goal that might have been ambiguous before. Creating a competitive atmosphere will cause workers to rise up to the challenge to prove their self-worth.

Part 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. When having to confront someone with criticism, begin with praise and appreciation. Let them know that you notice their hard work or simply give them a compliment. The person is more likely to accept condemnation and make improvements whenever they interpret it in a friendly manner.
2. There are many people who are offended by criticism. You need to be careful when confronting certain people because it could cause resentment. Try and call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. This will enlighten them on what they could improve upon without discouraging them.
3. Being able to admit one’s own mistakes demonstrates good character. It is extremely effective when dealing with issues concerning other people. Before calling attention to someone’s mistakes, enlighten them on the mistakes that you have made in the past. Communicating on a friendly level will make them more open to criticism.
4. People can become indignant when being ordered around or told what to do. You have better control over someone whenever you treat them as an equal. Instead of giving them direct orders, ask questions. Even though people would do what you said either way, they will feel more empowered.
5. Whenever a difficult decision has to be made, you should consider how to approach it before making any rash moves. It’s important let the other person save face. For example, if you are firing someone, you should always do it in privacy and keep the details confidential. Publicizing something that’s embarrassing for someone creates bad blood and could backfire on the company.
6. Praise is a very powerful concept that can fuel a person’s success. Many people are driven by encouragement. You can inspire people by making them realize their full potential. Giving praise for every improvement will keep people motivated to work hard and do their best
7. Giving someone a good reputation will motivate them to live up to it. Whenever you notice a lack of effort, instead of criticizing the person, tell them that they are great at what they do. Giving them high expectations will encourage them to work hard to meet them to avoid disappointing you.
8. Every person has an ego, so you have to be careful of how you confront people. Being too hard on someone who is doing something wrong can discourage them. Inspire the person with courage and faith rather than criticism. It’s more effective to emphasize what they’re good at and to make the fault they have seem easy to correct.
9. Every leader should follow certain guidelines when it’s necessary to change attitudes or behavior. Some of the principles are: be sincere, know what you want the other person to do, be empathetic, and convey the benefits the person will get from doing what you suggest. If these guidelines are followed, you are making the other person feel happy about doing whatever it is you are suggesting.

The Video Lounge

I believe this clip effectively illustrates the key points of the book. They are categorized into how to handle people, how to make people like you, how to persuade people, and how to change people without offending them. It’s a great reference for people who are trying to learn how to get ahead in the workplace and advance their career.

Personal Insights

Why I think:

• With business conditions today, what the author wrote is – or is no longer true – because:

The information in this book is eternally useful and could be referred to in future generations. The guidelines in this book put a lot of emphasis on working on oneself because that’s the first step in creating relationships and influencing people. The key point of this book is that a person’s success is primarily determined by their relationship with other people which make business conditions irrelevant.