Empowering Women in Relationships

As an opener, I’d like to stress that this is NOT another article bashing men.  It’s entitled for and primarily geared towards women because that’s the gender I understand.  I would never pretend to comprehend how having a penis shapes your thinking, nor would I ever be so presumptuous as to say that all men are a**holes just because some of them ARE.  Not only is that faulty thinking, it serves me no purpose. 

But I know this:  if you’ve ever found yourself asking, “What did I do wrong?” or “Why didn’t it work out?” or “What should I have done differently?”  then this article is for you. 

If you’ve ever driven your friends to exasperation, asking, “Do you think he’ll call?” or “Do you think he’ll be back?” or, my personal favorite, “Do you think he’ll be sorry?”, with such repetition that you seem to have a concussed brain, this article is DEFINITELY for you. 

If you have ever found yourself glued to your couch or bed for days, weeks, or months with such unrelenting misery, if you’ve ever felt that the pain would engulf and suffocate you, please, for the love of God, keep reading. 

I have been there.  In some ways, I’m STILL there.  But I’m working on it.  I’ve come to realize some very hard, cold truths, but in learning them, I’m finding my way back to myself again.  And if you’ve ever uttered the above inquiries with such despair that you thought the pain would NEVER go away, I can empathize.  But there IS a way through.

Often times, relationships end badly.  The decision to issue a cease and desist order on the romance is not always mutual and, inevitably, someone will be hurt.  And it is nothing short of a trek through SuckTown when that person is YOU. 

No doubt about it, a broken heart is traumatic.  Any loss can conjure up unimagineable grief, and a break up can mimic a death in many ways.  Feeling rejected IS personal and, if left unchecked, can be debilitating.  You are not weak, needy, or afflicted because it hurts.  So the first step outta break-up hell is to cut yourself some slack.  Be kind to yourself.  STOP beating yourself with everything you should’ve said, could’ve done, and would do differently.  I hate to sound cliched, but you cannot change what has already happened, and any effort to mentally turn back the clock is an exercise in self-torture.  Plus, it puts the entire onus of responsibility on YOU and regardless of how you feel, what you did or didn’t do, in reality, a one-sided relationship is no relationship at all.  So STOP!!!

Secondly, in the immediate aftermath, realize that you are unlikely to be objective about the relationship and subsequent split.  Accept that, at first, you will romanticize everything about the lost love, you will inconveniently forget the parts that didn’t work for you, and you will truly believe that you will never find anyone as great as Mr. Long Gone ever again.  It’s important to expect this trend of thought because, underneath your pain, lies the fear that you will NEVER feel that intensity of chemistry, compatibility, or love for anyone else.  This unrealistic fear is what will keep you paralyzed in your heartbreak.  Admit it:  if you were handed the Cosmic Remote Control of Life and could somehow be assured that the REAL love of your life was still out there, wouldn’t your recovery time be much less? Wouldn’t you be more willing to admit that not every relationship is forever?  This will be hard to see at first, but it IS true.  A break up leaves you feeling unloveable, undesirable, and dispensable.  It is especially painful if you have been quickly replaced.  Serious blow to your self-esteem.  And while I don’t condone mending a broken heart with an immediate replacement, it must be said that you WILL feel strongly for someone else again at some point.  Chances are, you’ve gone through break-ups before and found that you were able to experience the excitement of a new interest when you were ready.  This time will be no different. 

Lastly, allow yourself ample time to heal.  There is a good reason that a fractured leg cannot be mended with a bandaid, so do not be fooled into quick-fix methods, such as boozing, speed dating, or worse, scheming to get him back.  A break up, for any reason, is someone’s way of assuring you that they cannot offer you what you want or need.  That’s it.  Ladies, do NOT read more into it than that.  He did not break up with you because you weren’t pretty enough, smart enough, something-enough, and he did not take away one ounce of your worth when he left.  Do not give him that power.  YOU haven’t been altered one bit. 

DO NOT give in to whims to contact him.  This will take a force of will, and you will battle all kinds of reasons that you should make contact, but please, before you do, stop and be honest with yourself.  Are you calling, texting, FaceBook stalking because you really MUST get something off your chest?  Do you really require something more in the way of “closure”?  Or is it more likely that you are offering him an opportunity to change his mind?  Make every attempt to provide your own closure by reminding yourself, before you make contact, that you cannot love harder, try harder, or give more to win back his affections.  Your best efforts will not sustain a relationship when the other half has no desire to love harder, try harder or give more to you.  Not only is this selling yourself short, it is sending a message that YOU will do all the legwork.  You will be agreeing, in essence, to a total lack of reciprocation just to BE with him.  The momentary relief you get from your anguish, should this type of reunion occur, will be shortlived.  Believe that you are worthy of something better.

While you’re healing, take some mental inventory.  If there is something new you’d like to try, this is a great time to start.  Take a class, explore new hobbies, reevaluate the things that make YOU happy. Finding happiness by yourself is not admitting defeat; it is not the same as becoming resigned to a life of singledom.  It is simply a healthy way of providing for yourself what your ex no longer offers. 

Irrespective of how you might be feeling, remind yourself that you DESERVE to be happy.  Yes, I said it.  Even though he left, you still DESERVE to enjoy your life.  You DESERVE to be loved.  Put your focus on nurturing yourself, spending time with yourself, learning to really, really like the person you are.  And if there are things you don’t like, implement a plan to make some changes for YOU.  Any energy you expend on him is energy you could be investing in yourself and your own happiness. 

So, choose yourself.   You are worth it!