Women: Are You Saying Yes When You Really Mean No on Dates?

You may have heard jokes about the “yes” man.  He is the one who does whatever his boss asks him to do no matter how absurd.  He is called a “yes man” because he doesn’t know how to say no.  Being very fearful of what his boss might do to him if he says no, he always says yes.  There are some women who are almost obsessed with being deemed as the kind, wonderful and gentle spirit who always says, “Yes.”  For purposes of this article, we will call them “yes” women.  The last thing these type of women want is anyone accusing them of being mean, crazy, or something else.  They try real hard to uphold their “sweetheart” reputations in the public eye.  They are very careful to allow their appearance to tell the story of who they are and what they want from a man.   Observe how “yes” women dress, wear their hair, manicure their nails, and articulate their words.  Yes women like yes men don’t know how to say “no!”

When some women are hurt by men emotionally and/or physically, they take off their power suits and put on their birthday suits hoping that sex will smooth things over rather than put on their power suits and make the man wish he could see her in her birthday suit.  Why do some women do this?  Why do some women say “yes” when they really mean “no”?  Do they fear public humiliation, shame, revenge, and embarrassment if they say “no”?  Are they scared of judgment?  Are they not only weak physically like the Bible describes, but weak mentally too?

Here are some examples of situations where women go from being “no” women to “yes” women.

A man meets a woman for the very first time.  He offers to take her somewhere that she doesn’t like so as to not hurt his feelings, she tells him, “Yes.” 

He smooth talks her with flattering words about how brilliant, beautiful, or unique she is and he may even tell her how much he loves her.  He asks her for sex even though she doesn’t feel comfortable enough with him and she says, “Yes.”

He isn’t doing much to help her mentally, physically, and/or spiritually, yet he wants her to help him do a list of his tasks. She is overwhelmed with responsibilities, but because she “loves” him, she says, “Yes.”

He may have been angry with her earlier and her with him too, but he is in the mood to have sex and she is not, so hoping she can keep him out of someone else’s bed she says, “Yes.”

Every woman who has any experience having intimate relationships with men has been guilty of saying “yes,” when she really means “no.”  Ponder for a moment about the people you know who got married. Now how many publically said, “Yes” to their husband, when secretly they wished they had said, “No,” but because of all the money and time invested into the wedding and the possible ridicule they may face if they said, “No” they go ahead and get married anyway regretting their decision for the first year, five, ten, even 15 plus years down the line! 

Have you been guilty of saying “yes” to things you don’t like during your dating relationships such as:   suggested vacations, sporting events, and business investments?   What does your saying “yes” have to show for it?  Maybe you did get the house, the car, some jewelry, and some other temporal thing, but did you connect spiritually with him or just physically?  Did saying “yes” really make a difference?  Saying yes to players, pimps, thieves, and liars never works unless they sincerely change from their evil ways.  Men like this become this way because too many people have told them, “yes.”  Most of these men who are in trouble financially, mentally, physically, and spiritually are spoiled.  These are the kind of men who may have been told by authority figures, “No” then later their told, “Yes.”  So they grow up and expect the women they are dating to give them what they want and if they don’t then they will pay the price.  Some men will beat women into submission, others will cheat, lie, steal, or do whatever it takes to make a “no” woman say “yes.”  What kind of hold does he have on you?

There are women reading this right now, that every time he calls your name, you drop everything, your relatives, children, friends, and family, to give him the “yes” he wants.  It doesn’t have to be sex either it could be a “yes” to your vehicle, and a “yes” to your debit, and credit card.  Maybe you don’t mind doing this anytime he wants, then again maybe you do.  But what happens when one day you don’t answer him with a “yes” when he wants or takes too long to produce your “yes.”  Will your man pout, throw a temper tantrum like a child, stop speaking to you for a time, or tell his friends what he will do to get you to conform? 

 Some men like a good challenge.  The women who come out on top in a dating relationship are those who know how to make a man chase after them.  They will tell him two no’s for every yes and for some men this just excites them.  However, not every man operates in this way, there are generations of men nowadays who have been raised primarily by their mothers, creating in them an equally competitive feminine spirit (in other words they act like women) and these kinds of men aren’t up for any challenge.  They go looking for another woman who will give them the “yes” that they want just like their mommy, “Yes son.  Sure son.  Okay son.”

Now marriage is something different when “yes” women commit.  They know that the only way they can keep the peace in the family home is to give a “yes” to their man more often than a “no,” because if she doesn’t, life at home can be very difficult.  Controlling, angry, even bitter women don’t understand this concept and that is why many of them are being cheated on or divorced.  There are some women who may be a “no” kind of woman quite often in the board room and everyone admires that type of personality at work, but at home, she had best learn how to take that man’s suit she wears off and put on a dress and say, “yes” sometimes in the bedroom.  Notice I didn’t say all the time, because if you did, then you would be a weak-minded woman.  Even a controlling, abusive man will tell you that weak women turn him off after awhile.

 You can have a healthy balance in your dating relationship between the yeses and no’s that you give simply by doing the following four things:

One.  Don’t ignore your God given common sense and study wisdom when trying to problem solve.  If that means reading books, seeking counseling, or doing something else to find a solution between you and your mate, do it.

Two.  Avoid tempting situations where you feel powerless.  Being on anyone’s territory but your own will make you feel out of control.  Learn how to say no when you feel out of control and yes when you feel you have a solid foundation to stand on, go ahead and say yes.  (That’s how good marriages are built!) 

Three.  When he asks you questions like, “Do you like…Would you…”  Look at yourself in the mirror and role play.  Act as if you are talking to your date.  Learn how to say a gentle “no” with a smile on your face to the things you don’t like and yes to the things you do.  If he throws temper tantrums, threatens, or becomes violent, don’t try to make him feel better, do like a parent does, ignore him, but whatever you do don’t change your mind because of his negative reaction.  If you do, you are giving your power away!

Four.  Lastly, avoid dating anyone who makes you feel guilty when you are asserting yourself.  A person like this can be one of the most manipulative and conniving people.  They will shower you with flowers, gifts, dinner, and a smile on their face to get you to say, “Yes.”  When they see they can get you to do what they want buy flattering gestures, they will keep doing it.  Remember it’s never too late to say no to the things you don’t want in a relationship.  Yes, you may go through something along the way to get what you want, but at some point you will grow out of being “an all the time yes” woman into a more balanced woman who can say yes or no based on what she wants and not what everyone else wants!