Why You Shouldn’t Date a Married Man
Point of view from a woman who was in a relationship with a married man for three years and why women shouldn’t get involved with unavailable men.
I don’t think any woman in the world starts dating a married man on purpose.
Or at least that’s what I would like to believe.
It just happens.
I am going to tell you why you should break up this type of relationship if you find your self at one at this precise moment in life.
I know it’s hard. I also know it’s also exhilarating, you think he is boosting your self esteem, he treats you like a princess, you never fight (except when you want more), sex is great, this is the best relationship you’ve ever had!
Well, it’s NOT.
I was involved with a married man myself. A relationship that lasted for over 3 years. I don’t regret any of it because it was the best “University” I could have attended on “relationships”.
It started in the most harmless way. Being the owner of my favorite restaurant, which I attended at least 3 times a week, I would always chat with him whenever I saw him. The service at the restaurant has always been great, but to me was even greater, when I got sent a glass of wine, or a plate compliments of “the house”. I liked the attention, I loved the free wine and food however I would later learn that was the most expensive wine and “free” food of my life!
Women are a different kind of human being. We love the attention. We love conversation. You want to get into a woman’s heart? It’s as simple as “talking and listening” to her. We love the fact that someone wants to get to know us. We are tired of men who have just met us and want to take us to bed. We love the wine and dinning. We are creatures of attention. All we want is to be treated like a princess.
Well… married men have a “Master’s Degree” on “How to treat women like a Princess”. We naively think that this is because they come from a different planet. A different race. Something over the years has taught them how to treat a woman, and they have perfected it so well.
If you are one of the women that think that: you are VERY wrong.
The reason these men treat “other” women outside their relationships like a Princess is because they can’t offer you anything else!
What else can he offer you that would make you stay? Would you be in a relationship with a married man who treated you badly? Of course not.
Therefore they are charming; at the beginning of the relationship they boost your ego so high. They are constantly complementing you on your body, your hair, how beautiful you look with this or that. Your charming and wonderful personality. Some of them even dare to badmouth the guy in your last relationship. How stupid he was not to value you, and let you go.
All of them are the same. Sometimes I wonder if they go to some special school were they all get the same “education”.
And of course let’s not forget the “I’m not happy in my marriage and I will be divorcing soon”
It seems like they are the victims of a loveless marriage. A martyr of love. Sacrificing his own happiness for the good of his children and wife. But all of this is just about to end. Or so he says. And this is where our “maternal” instinct comes in. We want to take care of him, make him happy. Rescue him from his troubles.
What we don’t know is that we are in for the biggest emotional roller coaster ride of our lives!
Everyone likes stability in their lives. We like continuity of what we start. And this is where these relationships fail. Stability is a concept that is non existent in these relationships.
At first it seems like a wonderful place to be. You are so attracted to this wonderful man. You are going to make it your life mission to make him happy and rescue him from the hell he has been living.
You start to “date”. And with all the limitations this type of “dating” brings it’s still worth it. The time you spend together is wonderful. It’s real quality time.
As the relationship keeps growing you start wanting more. You involve him more in your life. You introduce him to your closest friends. Those friends who don’t judge you for dating a married man. If you are happy so are they. Good for you.
You have a great time introducing him into your “circle” he fits right in, and everyone can see how much he loves you. It’s just a matter of time before he leaves his wife for good and starts a life with you.
You take him to your favorite places. He gets to know you more. You think you are getting to know him more, and start wondering where he has been your entire life. Where was this perfection hiding? This is the man you have been waiting to come around your entire life.
You start putting your life on hold. If he can’t go with you to a friend’s dinner party you don’t go because you rather stay at home where he knows you will be safe. He is worried about your safety. A beautiful woman like you alone at night? Only God knows what could happen to you. He won’t be mad if you go. But he will be so much at ease if he knows you are safe. Translation: I am an insecure man who knows can’t offer you much and is very afraid that you might find someone else who can.
You start making him a part of all decision making in your life. You tell him about the weekend trip you have planned with your girlfriend to the beach. Since you don’t see him on weekends you need to make some plans so you won’t go crazy. All of a sudden he shows up at the beach. Not to spend the weekend. Just to spend a couple of hours with you so that you know how much he loves you. You are walking on air. He sacrificed being caught to spend some time with you. He is getting ready to make the move. Translation: He wants to make sure you are alone with your girlfriend and not cheating on him like he is cheating in his wife. He probably had a fight with his wife that day and went out for some air.
Things are moving on. You are becoming more “serious”. He calls you every day and even from his home phone! Wow, that must mean that he can’t live without you. He really wishes he was with you every second of the day. However a holiday is coming up and he is going away on a trip with his family. You understand he has to go. He had planned this before he met you. And besides his wife can’t get too suspicious or otherwise she won’t give him the divorce he needs to marry you. You try to be understanding but let him know how much you are hurting. So he sends flowers. He asks his secretary who is his loyal worker and accomplice to send you flowers, or chocolates for every day that he is gone. This way he will let you know how much he misses you. Translation: He wants to keep you happy so that you don’t have time to plan a way of letting his wife know about the affair and throw him out of the house so that you can finally be together.
After the trip is over he takes you out for an amazing evening, followed by the most amazing sex you’ve ever had. This is his way of telling you how much he missed you and how ready he is to ask his wife for a divorce. However Christmas is just around the corner and he doesn’t want to spoil the Holidays for the kids. So he will do it after the holidays.
You start planning what the rest of your life will be with this wonderful man by your side.
The Holidays pass. You don’t want to pressure him, so you wait for him to mention it. However nothing happens. In mid March you ask him about his plans and he says that his kid is graduating high school in a couple of months and he needs you to wait a little bit longer. You love him so much you are willing to do anything for him. So you wait.
This becomes a never ending story. He will always have “something” that will prevent him from divorcing his wife. And the reason is: he has a wonderful relationship with his wife and doesn’t want to leave her. It’s just that he likes to be a “Casanova” it makes him feel younger when younger women pay attention to him. He wants to feel that he’s still got it.
Finally you get it and decide to break it off. You had already pictured yourself as a Mrs. Not a mistress and you won’t go along with this. It’s either all or nothing. To your surprise he doesn’t fight you. He knows it’s time and let’s you go.
You are left with a very low self esteem. Alone. Having lost opportunities with men that were really interested in you and were single. However most of them are married now, because you just spent 3 years of your life with this man.
So, to conclude: Married men RARELY leave their wives over an affair. All they want is to feel younger. To have a good time. If you are not in the market for that type of relationship run the other direction. Don’t give him a chance. The moment you open that door, it will be almost impossible to close it without getting hurt.
Good luck to you all!
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Liked it
June 19th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
so true. i’m living the break up now; week 1 and counting.
July 7th, 2008 at 2:23 am
Im trying so hard to end this 8 year relationship that has gone no where and never will. The” I’m only with her because of the kids” line is always a LIE!!!1!! Wish me Luck and most of all strength to stay strong!
July 16th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Thanks for the motivation. Im also one of the victim and i want to break this relationship up, but each time i try to break up, i just cant do it, and somehow i will get back with him, but this time, im gonna break this relationship up for good.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:25 am
I’m on break up day 1 and I just want out! It’s been a year. You are so right. I’m so ashamed.
July 26th, 2008 at 12:18 am
gosh…i know all this and i’m wondering when am i going to wake up and say good-bye. have i become so weak and let a married man mindbogglingly take control of my life. i realize time over and over that this can’t go on…the relationship is never truely over…we don’t talk for a month or two and then its on again…what is the matter with me…
July 30th, 2008 at 1:21 am
And i thought I am the only one in this situation….I have been in this relation for 1 year now, decided all of a sudden today to end it up…I always knew I will do it like this…suddenly! I will like to talk more to somebody who is going through the same thing! I didn’t know from the begening he is married, after 2 months I was completly in love, after I found out I tried to end it but love was too strong, and yes…I was treated like a princess he would actually call me that, send me poems, went in vacatons together…but all good things come to an end….and i could not handle it anymore. I really hope I have the strenghts to really end it. A good way to get out of this, if u really want to and think is best for u to get out of this, is to do what i did! I told him all of a sudden if he ever calls me again or tries to get in touch with me I will call his home phone and tell his wife everithing, so to tink long before trying to contact me again.
August 1st, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I, too, got involved with a married man. In my case, he DID leave his wife. I spent six years of my life with this man. He ended up screwing around on me with my best friend. He ultimately married her.
Most men will never leave their wives, but even if they did, they would just do the same thing to you when they tired of you. If a man will screw around on his wife, he’ll screw around on you….period!
Why would anybody want somebody like this?
August 5th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I have been dating this man for the past year and a half; we stopped talking briefly; in that time period he got engaged to an on-and-off girlfriend (thats what he tells me). I began talking back to him recently; yes he’s getting married at the end of the month, but we both love each other deeply. It’s hard to let eachother go, he wants to continue our relationship after he marries; but I really want to get out of this!!! I know it’s not right but I love him, but more importantly I love me. I don’t want to go through him promising me lies or false hopes. I am devasted and will be on the day of their wedding day an more so if I continue our relationship.
December 8th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I just told my married friend/lover that I can’t do this anymore. We have only been seeing eachoher for 3 weeks and I have fallen for him. I am devastated over this entire mess. I wish I never met him. I miss our conversations, lunches, etc. but I don’t want my cake and to eat it too and to have my family suffer because of my poor decisions. I hope these feelings pass soon. I am so sick to stomach. I cant concentrate at work or home. I am such a mess. I know it is for the best but I do not know how I am going to get over this.
December 14th, 2008 at 10:05 am
You just take it day by day. One day at a time. You will get thru this.
January 4th, 2009 at 11:49 am
this is so true..im in a 3 weeks old relationship with a MM and you know what!!! he treats you like a princess ..like his soulmate and always mention if he wasnt married that definetly bei will his wife….but i read the article and can relate to everything…i feel so ashamed of myself and most of all i needed companionship and he came along and i started to fall in love with him…..but he dnt want me he wanted his wife ….neverthe less ..but i wanted him …and he cant be there period…..at this moment in time icalled him and i told him that i wanted to tell him something …he say tomorrow….but i cant wait to end this thig with this MM….i love him but i prefer to let him go than to stick nonsense….
January 26th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I to have been through the pain of being with a married man,a six year affair and everything you have said ..its as if you were reading my six year story..but in this affair we planed for our future (what a fool am i),we got that close to almost being together,YEAH RIGHT!! thing is i truely was sucked in and wen he got cold feet and run like the coward he is i was a broken lady im still not over him and the same thing is happerning to me he doesnt have any contact for weeks then he just shows up and i give in every time even after he left me with no reason no explanations all i got was pure cold cutt off!after six years! why was there no answers when i tried to get closure on us ??? i will tell you why …..it was in my face but i was brain washed and foolishly blind to it ….he didnt have to give me a reason because the reason is HE IS A MARRIED MAN AND MARRIED MEN WILL HURT YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE HEARTLESS..Why is it THAT NONE OF US TELL THE WIFE AND SCREW HIM OVER IN THE WAY HE DID US???????????????
March 8th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
i am going through that, except his moved moved me into a guse and most weekends he is away on meetings….. now i am all alone with no one and i tired his phone and its goes staight to voice mail. there other phone is ringing out. please help me
March 25th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
My married man is also my boss, so I have to see him all the time. I am done with this. The pain is too great. I can’t believe I’ve been such a fool. A few years ago I would have talked down about women who would do this, now I am that woman. I knew better, but we all think that are situation is different and unique. i am grateful that I have come to my senses and I pray that all the women going through this will recover and learn from the experience and never settle for this again.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:48 am
I have been with someone for 10 years. He married someone 2yrs ago. I was here first. We never were in a committed relationship together but dated other people. We always had each other. We would see each other once a week. This has been going on for 10 yrs. Why? Because im stupid. He doesnt want me and he never will. I have spent many holidays and birthdays on my own. Why do i let him do this to me? I am so hurt and really need some help to get over this relationship.
April 26th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
is there a good book discussing this kind of situation?
thanks in advance.
May 3rd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Ask yourself are the highs worth the lows? Sometimes putting up with the lows are overcome by the wonderful sky high highs but inevitably the lows come back. Being with a married man is not a proper relationship – he certainly won’t be having Sunday morning in bed with you!
See it for what it is but never ever fall in love with a married man!
May 14th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I have been down this road. It never leads anywhere but to a huge loss of time for yourself. What people like us need most of all, is self confidence….the realization that what we don’t need is , not only a married man but perhaps any man at all. When did we lose ourselves? Hey….we are single but important and too important to lose time with married men. If you feel you want a man to go through your life with…find one who is unattached and willing to be one with YOU, not with TWO.
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I happened to be dating a married man, and all i get from him is share lies. The first three months of our relationship he indeed treated me like a princess. Low and be hold after all that I desperately spent long hrs on the phone calling him to take me out. Married men are a mest, but you never learn until you experience what it is like. I can tell you I went throughheart ache and pains with this guy and now I have decided to let the relationship go. I kept asking myself the question is this what I want out of my life, but I came up with the solution I am willing to let this man out of my life, if I don’t I will be living my life hoping that someday he will treat me the way he treted me when we first me.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Hi Peaches,
You have taken the first step towards recovery, which is acceptance of this situation. My best advice now is to take it one day at a time. Stand your ground. You can do it!
November 17th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Thank you so much pewi for your words of advice I needed it, because there are times when you tend to go back to the same situation, and I definitely do not want to go back.