Keeping It Hot While Keeping It Safe

How to Respond to, and Communicate About the Word “No” While Initiating Sex or During Sex, in Order to Avoid Date Rape and Ambiguity About Intention.

“No, no, no, please don’t stop!”

“No, no, no, please stop!”

“No, get off me, you motherfucker.”

Question: In which of the situations above should/would you stop what you were doing (having sex, fucking, making love?)

Correct answer: In all three.

The word “no” might seem ambiguous when you are all hot and bothered but in a court of law it rings all too clear. If the word “no” is uttered during or before the sex act you better hold your horses and make sure whether or not your partner is really as into it as you are.

This can of course be very frustrating, even when you are sure your partner is enjoying him/herself (and they may be.) An inadequate response to the word “no” might lead to feelings of confusion afterwards.

To clarify what I’m talking about here is a small scenario.

A couple stumbles into a bedroom on a first date. The physical connection is overwhelming, with testosterone pushing all other considerations out of the way. Kissing is electric, but somewhere in your mind you have doubt. This is not how you normally act, you might want to take it slower, what will your friends say? You softly whimper, ”no,” but your whimper is ignored. Kisses keep being showered on your neck, nimble fingers move deftly towards forbidden places and hidden clasps. You venture on slightly more forceful “please, no,” there is a slight shifting of gears, a minuscule barely perceptible break, you hold still not knowing what you want before the speed is picked up again and passion is taken to it’s inevitable conclusion.

And once the fire has been quenched you are left with nagging questions: What if I really had wanted to stop? Would my wishes have been respected? I said “no” didn’t I? Was this rape?

On the other hand, did the raw power, the relentless passion not make everything a thousand times hotter? Was your resistance not merely role-play? Or more sinister, a bargaining chip for contentious afterglow arguing?

There are no simple answers to these questions, but the consequences are real. In many cases the “no” is a lot more vehement than in the example above, but even less vehement “no’s” can leave a person in severe mental stress depending on among other things their sexual history (abuse survivor?), personality (a tendency to please?) or the reactions of their family and friends (husband?).