Keeping It Hot While Keeping It Safe

How to Respond to, and Communicate About the Word “No” While Initiating Sex or During Sex, in Order to Avoid Date Rape and Ambiguity About Intention.

“No, no, no, please don’t stop!”

“No, no, no, please stop!”

“No, get off me, you motherfucker.”

Question: In which of the situations above should/would you stop what you were doing (having sex, fucking, making love?)

Correct answer: In all three.

The word “no” might seem ambiguous when you are all hot and bothered but in a court of law it rings all too clear. If the word “no” is uttered during or before the sex act you better hold your horses and make sure whether or not your partner is really as into it as you are.

This can of course be very frustrating, even when you are sure your partner is enjoying him/herself (and they may be.) An inadequate response to the word “no” might lead to feelings of confusion afterwards.

To clarify what I’m talking about here is a small scenario.

A couple stumbles into a bedroom on a first date. The physical connection is overwhelming, with testosterone pushing all other considerations out of the way. Kissing is electric, but somewhere in your mind you have doubt. This is not how you normally act, you might want to take it slower, what will your friends say? You softly whimper, ”no,” but your whimper is ignored. Kisses keep being showered on your neck, nimble fingers move deftly towards forbidden places and hidden clasps. You venture on slightly more forceful “please, no,” there is a slight shifting of gears, a minuscule barely perceptible break, you hold still not knowing what you want before the speed is picked up again and passion is taken to it’s inevitable conclusion.

And once the fire has been quenched you are left with nagging questions: What if I really had wanted to stop? Would my wishes have been respected? I said “no” didn’t I? Was this rape?

On the other hand, did the raw power, the relentless passion not make everything a thousand times hotter? Was your resistance not merely role-play? Or more sinister, a bargaining chip for contentious afterglow arguing?

There are no simple answers to these questions, but the consequences are real. In many cases the “no” is a lot more vehement than in the example above, but even less vehement “no’s” can leave a person in severe mental stress depending on among other things their sexual history (abuse survivor?), personality (a tendency to please?) or the reactions of their family and friends (husband?).

All of this can lead to court cases about date rape, trust issues, sexual repression, depression and much more, potentially leaving both parties with scars for life.

Now, in truth it doesn’t always or maybe even usually go this far. Still sex is more and more a part of the social landscape, engaged in more casually with rules forever becoming less clear. To more and more people having a quick rendezvous is normal and exciting and the psychological dangers, not to mention the physical ones (STD’s anybody?) are easily overlooked.

So is it possible to preserve the word “no” as a catalyst of sexual power and yet not be worried that it comes back to haunt you later? I would say yes, but it demands some creativity and skillful planning. Here are two scenarios in which the word “no” is addressed:

John and Maria 1:

“No, please don’t,” she whimpered. John immediately withdrew, “I’m sorry” he said. “I thought this was what you wanted.” Maria, whose body had been limp in his arms suddenly grew rigid, her mouth closed and her eyes opened. “Of course it’s what I wanted! Why the hell are you stopping?”

Now it was John’s turn to get angry. “You said ‘no,’ didn’t you?” “That was just passion. Can’t you tell what a woman really wants?” “OK fine, come here and let’s fuck.” “Forget it, the mood’s broken.”

John and Maria 2:

“No, please don’t,” she whimpered. “What the fuck?” said John as he drew her closer. “Now you listen to me. I don’t like playing silly little games so here’s the deal. The word ‘no’ turns me on and maybe saying it does the same for you. But I’m not gonna stop every time you say it and I’m not gonna be told I’m inconsiderate after this thing is over. I want you and I’m going to fuck you hard. If you really want me to stop, you say the word ‘pineapple’ and I promise I won’t be mad.” With that he pulled her neck into his mouth and starting sucking to a continuous chorus of softly moaned “no’s.”

Which brings me to the conclusion of my screed. The word “no” is powerful and it’s message needs to be heeded. However it need neither be a deal breaker nor a mood breaker and it’s message need not be ambiguous. Just assert yourself forcefully as to it’s meaning and if necessary replace it with a word of less ambiguity leaving you to enjoy the raw sexual power of “no” without any reservations.