How to Stay Single 1: Stopping Before You Get Started

If there was one thing in my life that I’ve never felt in control of at all – it has to be my love life (or lack thereof).

I’ve been single for most of my adulthood and the tell-tale signs begin to creep in as soon as I do find myself in any situation resembling a relationship.  Dating has been a minefield for me and I’ve even sometimes not known I was dating someone until they kissed me…

Here are just a few ways in which I’ve managed to avoid joining ‘girlfriend club’.

1. Being too nice

This was definitely quite a big one for me.  I’ve always wondered why girls actually seem to stay with guys who, for want of a better word, are complete douche bags.  I’ve been the nicest guy to a lot of girls and there’s really only one outcome – they get bored and lose interest.  For me it’s completely second nature to treat and respect others.  Not through a religious belief strictly speaking, but more for the hope that the karmic balance will restore and the guy who cut infront of me in the queue will get hit by a bus… just a little bit.  When applied to dating, being the gent can greatly lower your (perceived) value and it can even make it seem like you’re lucky to even be there with them. Now if you’re already bending over backwards for them, without getting any respect from them, there’s no way that you can provide any kind of ‘challenge’.  Being a nice guy is great for making friends – but in dating, the nice guys just make it harder on themselves.

2. Being clingy

I’m a big fan of holding hands.  For me it’s a great display of affection without having to totally control the other person with an arm around them or going more overt with a kiss.  This isn’t what I’d call being clingy though.  I like to tell someone that I miss them when I miss them.  Or thank them for a wonderful night out.  I’d even like to know when we’ll next meet up.  I’ve learned that all of these things add up to me being pushed away for putting too much pressure on someone when they’re “just not ready”.  I whole-heartedly admit that the next time I start seriously dating someone, I’ll get one of my friends to take away my phone if I start being overly clingy or even communicating with them more than once a week.

3. Hanging on her every word

This is probably linked with clingyness, but I do take a lot of meaning out of the way things are said.  The context and choice of phrasing seem to scream out far more than the words do on their own.   One of my hobbies is studying human interaction (psychology, persuasion, negotiation, body language etc.) and I’ve managed to read so much into some of the text messages that I’ve received that – if I explained what I was thinking to any of my friends – they would have probably thought I was insane.  It’s hard to unlearn something like “reading too much into things”.  That’s what beer is for I guess.

4. Listening to girls for advice

This has got to be my favourite one.  If I had to tell any other single guy out there one thing it would be to not take dating advice from a girl.  No offense to any girls who have ‘helped’ any of their single guy friends out there but from a guys point of view – girls really don’t know what actually attracts them to guys.  It’s sad but true.  I could go into more detail, but that would be a complete article in itself…

5. Getting smug

This was probably my most novel way of failing.  Call it ‘taking her for granted’, call it ‘punching above my weight’ or call it ‘getting what I deserved for being smug’.  There are forces at work that just are just waiting for me to let my guard down and slide a bear trap infront of me.  Never again will I boast that the girl I’m dating can get football season tickets to a box in the Emirates stadium (before I’ve got them in my hands at least