How Committed is He to the Relationship?

May 29, 2007 by Cassandra George Sturges, Psy.D  
Published in Dating

Men may think with their penises when it comes to sex, but most of the time, they use their heads when it comes to love. They have an unspoken way of letting a woman know exactly where she stands in his life. They define what type of commitment they are going to give to a woman early on in the relationship, and began to invest themselves financially and emotionally – Accordingly.

Men may think with their penises when it comes to sex, but most of the time, they use their heads when it comes to love. They have an unspoken way of letting a woman know exactly where she stands in his life. They define what type of commitment they are going to give to a woman early on in the relationship, and began to invest themselves financially and emotionally- accordingly. Unfortunately, many women are unable to distinguish the difference between sex and love, and usually when she opens her bedroom door, too often, she opens her heart as well.

A woman is more likely than a man to wonder where the relationship is headed. Confusing mind-blowing sex and breakfast in the morning with devotion, admiration and respect; she will give him a little more than all that she has, expecting only his love in return. A night of passionate sex is rarely a prerequisite that inspires a man to propose marriage and purchase a diamond solitaire engagement ring. It rarely even motivates him to call back the next day.

We can not control the behavior of others, but we can make better choices for
ourselves once we understand the important rules of how the game is played. You don’t make touch downs in a basketball game. Period. The first step to a successful relationship, (and life in general) is to accept and understand things the way they really are, and not the way we want them to be. Deal with reality. Once you have been honest with yourself, only then are you in a position to change the things you don’t like. You can’t make him love or respect you, but you surely do not have to allow yourself to be used in any relationship.


Before reading further, answer this critical question: If you went to the store with five dollars and you wanted to purchase twenty dollars worth of merchandise, would the sales clerk allow you to buy it? Probably not. Typically when we make an investment in life, we expect a comparable return for our time and money. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, many women sell themselves short at discount rates.


There are three types of relationships based on the level of accountability between the couple. The lover/friend relationship has zero accountability. The foundation of this type of relationship is based superficial good times that may include drinking, night clubs, but most often just sex. Lover/friend relationships are usually transitional relationships that help us through break ups after divorces and long-term relationships. They can also make a woman feel sexually desirable and gives the ol’ ego a big boost. Sometimes these relationships are referred to as affairs or flings.

Contractual/high accountability relationships are what we typically think of as boyfriend and girlfriend relationships. You are taken off the dating market, but you are under the rent-to-own contract. Marriage may or may not be a possibility. The relationship is solid but the verbal contract to remain together is the strength and weakness of the relationship. You know that he loves and respects you, but the thought of marriage and losing you makes him equally ill.

The third type of relationship is the committed relationship. This relationship definitely focuses on building a future together. Couples discuss retirement plans, children, co-purchasing expensive property and planning extravagant vacations. This relationship’s foundation is based on the commitment to their love and future together through the thick and thin. Usually before this type of relationship ends, the couple will attend counseling or try various healing methods before giving up on the relationship that has become apart of their self-identity.

Determine which type of relationship you are in and love him as much as he will allow you to without losing yourself. Keep in mind that loving him more than he deserves to be loved by you, will not increase his love for you. You can’t change him, but you can sure bargain to get the best deal for yourself.

Lover/Friend


He calls sporadically, when its convenient. The phone call is purposeful, typically to arrange a sex-capade. You don’t discuss future or past events. “I want you now” is the theme, not tomorrow.


You don’t know if or when you will see him again. Future plans are extremely vague. When he leaves you, he says things similar to: “I’ll see you around,” I’ll call you sometime,” and “Hey, you take care now.”


Birthday and Christmas gifts are never exchanged, however he does except gifts, without guilt or shame. He is never available during holidays and won’t commit to planned events.


If your car breaks down and you need a ride to the store, don’t call him. You can’t depend on him for small favors and emergencies. Typically, he calls you back a few days after you have called him and doesn’t ask about your car.


He doesn’t introduce you to his friends and family. He doesn’t even discuss them with you.


The relationship is centered around sex. He has no desire to take you to nice restaurants or movies. His plan is not to impress you, simply undress you–every chance he gets.


There is no accountability in the relationship. Neither one of you feel comfortable asking if there is someone else, or questions the other’s whereabouts. It’s an unwritten rule that you feel in your gut.


Hint: He is only using you, if you are giving more than you are getting from him. For example, if he rarely returns your phone calls stop calling. If you are seeking superficial companionship this type of relationship is perfectly fine. Buying him expensive gifts and cooking from scratch your best meat-loaf won’t make him love you any more. Take the relationship for what it is and enjoy it.

Contractual/High accountability relationship


He refers to you as his girlfriend, mate, old lady, significant other and his woman.


You talk on the phone at minimum 3 times a week discussing past and future events, such as new developments on your jobs and upcoming plans for movies and entertainment. You share the daily routine activities in both of your lives that has nothing to do with sex.


You exchange birthday and Christmas gifts. He gives you money, stereo equipment, clothes, furniture and maybe a nice watch.


You see each other at least twice a week. Each time you are together, you don’t necessarily feel pressured to have sex, because you both know you will see each other again.


Need a book shelve put together? Is your car making a funny noise? You better call him, or other wise he will be offended. You can depend on him to be there for you emotionally and financially when you need him the most.

You are definitely accountable to each other. You have agreed to date exclusively. “Where were you when I called last night ?” is an appropriate question.


His friends and family view you as a couple. You are invited to social outings together. People feel comfortable asking you about your mate.


You frequently tell each other, “I love You,” but the “M” word makes him feel uncomfortable. He has stated that he does not or isn’t sure if he ever wants to get married.


Hint: Give him what he deserves, but don’t be naive. If you want marriage make sure that he knows it, don’t play games with him or yourself. If this relationship is enough for you don’t let well meaning friends and family break up your relationship. He may come around to marring you, just don’t sell yourself short.

Committed Relationship


Not only do you exchange gifts, but he begins to buy you jewelry, such as diamond earrings, necklaces and gold bracelets. He spends large sums of money on you, because he really feels that he is investing himself – A future together with you.


You answer each other’s telephones.


You can spend a week at each other’s places, before needing a change of clothes.
His mother calls to exchange recipes and his sister is eager to share the latest family gossip with you. You are not invited, but expected, at family get-to-gethers, funerals and weddings. You are unofficially a member of his family.


He makes statements such as “when we are married,” when we grow old together,” and “I want to go to there, on our honeymoon.”


He has proposed and given you an engagement ring.


Hint: Give him your all and start planning your wedding.

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One Response to “How Committed is He to the Relationship?”
  1. Dustin Harrison Says:

    Wow! So true. Read my story here on socyberty please it’s called “How to conquer college:A complete guide”. Also please leave me a comment. What do you think? I also have a one on relationships. Its on relijournal.com and its called “10 Godly ways to determine true love”.


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