Break the Habit: Say No to Thugs
May 2, 2009 by Aaryn K Coley
Published in Dating
I have been known to date some questionable characters.
If I dated him, he probably has a record. I like bad boys. I spent a lot of time living vicariously through other people’s dangerous behavior. (I’m sure my mother has been wondering for years where she went wrong.)
Some time last year, after a devastating breakup, I decided to dig deep and get to the bottom of it. On this enlightening journey of self-discovery, I found that I, like everyone else have some issues.
I always pride myself on being a “good girl”. I’m what most men want in a wife. Highly intelligent, down to earth, and I come from a great family. I’m not over-materialistic or flashy. I don’t drink, smoke, party hard or cheat. I’m loyal, committed, and rooted in my values. I have the makings of a great wife, friend and mother.
It’s no wonder my family and friends are always shocked when I introduce them to Mr. Thug.
Most of my boyfriends have been the exact opposite of me – on the surface. But beneath all of that, we always shared a strong connection. There is a saying that the people in your life are there to teach you something about yourself.
For me, I always felt sheltered, fragile and at times, weak. As a child, I was shy, quiet and reserved. But on the inside, there was a girl who had many opinions and a lot to say. I feared that my ideas were too bold, my dreams too big, and the likelihood of failure too great.
I was weak on the outside, and felt weak on the inside. They say opposites attract in relationships. I now see relationships more as a magic mirror (think Snow White). You tell the mirror what you think you want to see, and it reflects the truth of that request back to you.
I request someone who looks strong to protect me and balance me out, and I get back the guy who’s strong and protective on the surface, but would later find out that he was weak, guarded, and emotionally fragile on the inside, just like me.
When you look in the mirror hard enough, you can always find your blemishes. The lesson in these relationships was that I needed to find my own strength and learn how to protect myself, so that the next time I ask for what I want, I know I already have what he needs.
The Accidental Therapist: http://accidentaltherapy.blogspot.com/
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May 3rd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Are you sitting with Mr. Thug writing this, cuz?! Wow!
This particular piece is for the women who now realize that they are not cut out to deal with the thug they have, and are trying to figure out how to attract a different kind of man – the right kind of man for her. Some of us realize that we need to start looking at different types of guys, but can’t figure out why we keep attracting the same man over and over again.
(This is not to say that we didn’t love our thug and that he didn’t love us. But not all love is healthy love.)
There is a lesson when a woman like me is in a relationship with a thug. That lesson can vary for each woman. My lesson is detailed above. My thugs have served a great an meaningful purpose in my life. I was “addicted” to bad boys for a reason. I drew them to me for a reason. But it was not meant for marriage. The first one came into my life for a reason. I missed the lesson, so the lesson repeated in the next man, and the next one and the next.
Any addict who’s been to counseling knows that there is something beneath the surface of the addiction. You have little-to-no chance of beating your addiction without getting to the bottom of your issues, or at the very least, understanding what your issue is.
This is not meant to bash thugs. We need them in society. We need that cousin or uncle or brother or friend who will play that part in our lives when you-know-what goes down. But for some women that place just is not at her side.
Luv ya, Cuz!
May 8th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Hm…this is an interesting article.
Out of simple curiosity (and not founded off of the base of stereotypes), where do you live? Not necessarily the city or anything specific, as I know some people are paranoid about that stuff, but the general area…?
Very true points you’ve brought up here. Indeed, we are all fragile, and the best way to avoid that is to find a balance. And that balance can be, occasionally, the polar opposite of a person’s personality.
Excellent article; I’ll do my best to pass this on to others.
See you around!
-Fresh Writing