Boy Toys & Sex Tapes

After graduating from college, I moved to Charleston, South Carolina to start my career.  Moving to the mecca of the South for shopping, sun, and side-parts would make most girls run to their closest Lilly Pulitzer store and max out their dad’s credit card.  My experience was unfortunately a little different.  Although I was excited about stepping into the professional world; I was still attempting to salvage the thread of a relationship that remained with my college boyfriend.  We were a classic example of two people who were clinging to each other for all the wrong reasons. 

My reasons for staying in the relationship were heavily motivated by the fact that I do not enjoy the preliminary dating process.  After being with someone for three years, I was not interested in sorting out awkward moments, pet peeves, and un-matched feelings with someone new.  

Don’t get me wrong, there are certain aspects of dating that don’t faze me – like being naked.  I’m pretty confident that I look better without clothes on, so if a man is lucky enough to see me in the buff – we are both pleasantly surprised.

On the flipside; the early stages of dating also involves being accountable for the embarrassing things I do unknowingly and/or involuntarily.  Example #1:  There is a pretty good chance that I will fart in my sleep during the first two months of dating someone.  The real gamble is seeing if it will be loud enough to wake either person up.  Example #2: In the event that the relationship becomes intimate; there is also an 85% chance that I will quief within the first ten times that I have sex with a man. 

I speculate that David’s reasons for staying in the relationship were driven by the looming realization that he will never find anyone better.  Enough said.

Anyhow, the fact of the matter was that we really didn’t like each other that much.  Every other weekend, one of us would begrudgingly make the five hour trip to Raleigh or Charleston so we could criticize each other face to face for two days instead of doing it over the phone.  We actually survived on this routine for another six months.  It was awesome.

When David and I did finally cut ties, it felt like Kim Kardashian’s ass had been lifted from my shoulders.  I would now be able to make the most of my time in Charleston by sunbathing on Folly Beach and mingling with Southern Gentlemen.  After all, I was finally single after three years!  Then it hit me.  Holy shit.  I’m single.  Suddenly the idea seemed very foreign to me; so I sought counsel from my wise roommate, Laura, who recommended a “buffer boy-toy” to help ease the transition into life as an independent woman.  Not a bad idea…I could certainly find someone to amuse me long enough to not worry about my dissolved union.

Laura knew a bunch of Clemson guys so it wasn’t long before I had zeroed in on one of them as my new potential boy-toy.  It wasn’t difficult to peg Josh as my target given that he clearly met my newly defined dating standards….or lack there of.  Josh was very good looking in the tall, blonde, beach bum kind of way.  He was constantly throwing his money (or I guess I should say parent’s money) around and was always up for a big night out.  Lastly, he didn’t strike me as the commitment type; so I presumed that he would welcome the occasional weekend tryst.  The trifecta was officially complete – looks, money, and no chance for a future.  I immediately started making arrangements for a future drunken make out session.

Together, Laura and I laid the groundwork for the following weekend.  When Friday night rolled around; Project Boy-Toy was a go.  The master plan involved meeting the guys at a bar downtown after acquiring a serious pre-rendezvous buzz.  Rocket science, I know.  As usual, our drinking session started around the time Laura and I started our leisurely process of getting ready.  Two hours and a bottle of wine later; we were buzzed, beautiful, and ready to head down-town.  We poured our remaining wine into To-Go coffee cups and made our way over the Cooper River bridge.  The moment we arrived at the Blind Tiger; Laura and I made a bee-line for the bar – determined to maintain the flow of alcohol circulating through our bloodstream.   I also knew that I needed to reach a certain BAL to break out my best dance moves. 

The boys were already on location, so I could get to work immediately.  Within a couple of hours, Josh and I were flirting in the corner of the bar and I could practically see the make-out session in my future.  Someone suggested that we top off the night with a frozen drink from Wet Willies – a shameless bar that you only rationalize setting foot into when you are three sheets to the wind.  Everyone paid their $5 and got a plastic cup filled with grain alcohol and some variation of frozen fruit juice.  When Josh pulled me onto the dance floor to “shake what yo momma gave yaaaaaa” I knew this deal was in the bag.  You know what they say; nothing says romance like rap music. 

The deal finally went down as we all stumbled onto King Street to call our respective cabs.  While standing beside the homeless man eating a Popeye’s drumstick, Josh and I had our first drunken kiss.  We did the obligatory number exchange and parted ways.  Mission accomplished….or so I thought.

Josh, who I viewed as a temporary bandaid; was still around six months later.  Fuck.  Somehow the boy-toy morphed into the boy-friend.  Why do I voluntarily do this to myself?  By this point, Josh’s looks were NOT enough to keep me amused.  In fact, I was becoming more and more agitated with his obsession over money, his cars, and his inability to decipher when to use THERE and THEIR.  Despite my growing collection of red flags, I stupidly stayed in what was now considered a relationship.  Just in case Josh’s lack of motivation, poor money management, or fondness of illegal substances wasn’t enough – I soon discovered the icing for my cake. 

One morning, after Josh left for work, I turned on the TV to watch the news before I went back home.  When I hit the “ON” button, I heard a tape in the VCR engage.  Of course, curiosity got the best of me so I hit – PLAY; knowing there was a good chance that it would be porn.  I was right…it was porn…but it wasn’t Debbie Does Dallas.  It was JOSH and some girl he ‘dated’ in college going to town.  I sat there for a few seconds shell shocked.  I wasn’t sure if I was pissed because he was watching this….or if I was amazed that he was stupid enough to leave it in his VCR.  Regardless, I decided that Josh was going to need to find a new co-star for his next home movie because I was not interested.