10 Sure Ways to Get Over Him

April 7, 2007 by Anne Lyken Garner  
Published in Dating

Can’t seem to get over a terrible break-up? Follow these sure ways of finally putting it behind you for good.

We have all been through complicated break-ups before, some tougher than others. Sometimes it feels like we would never recover from the anguish and desperation losing love can bring. This is why I’ve outlined 10 powerful ways to help.

1. Whatever You Do, Don’t Call Him

Hearing his voice just brings back old memories. He may say something non-committal so as not to hurt you, (he may not right for you, but this doesn’t make him a monster) but your aching heart will interpret it as a sign of his undying love. This just drags you on indefinitely like a stray who returns only because her visits are rewarded with a morsel of food. Keep in mind that the more time you waste on a ruined relationship, the deeper your torment, and the longer the healing period.

2. Do Spend Some Time on Your Own

You have had years being with someone else who inadvertently dictated when you went out, and when you were blissful or sad. Give yourself some self assessment time. What have you been putting up with in this relationship? Can you now see the warning signs you initially chose to ignore because you hoped it would get better? Now that you’re aware of the stop lights, there is a better chance of you being able to spot them before you’ve invested too much into subsequent relationships.

3. Do Write a List

Now you have more time to yourself, make a list of all the things you hated about your ex. Read them every time you agonise over him. Then thank your lucky stars you are rid of him. Honestly, would you have been able to put up with his annoying ways or his callousness for the rest of your life? Keep the note, you may want to refer to it later on when you are tempted to get serious with someone else who possesses those same attributes.

4. Don’t Go to His Favourite Hangouts


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You might see him there, but even worse, he might have company – a new woman. This will only break your sore heart again. Time heals, and seeing him socially doesn’t give you the space you need to do so.

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400 Responses to “10 Sure Ways to Get Over Him”
  1. Liane Schmidt Says:

    Thank you for this encouraging, thoughtful piece.

    Best wishes.

    Sincerely,

    -Liane Schmidt.

  2. nickie Says:

    one true thing is none of these things rlly work.. especially when u rlly love the person but thnx for the advice

  3. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Nickie, I hope you return because I can truly understand what you’re feeling.

    To be honest, I have tried these points and they DO work, but only for people who have decided that they are ready to move on. It is difficult I know to make the inital attempt to get over someone, because this decision in effect is saying you’re ready to give them up. This is the last thing one wants to do with someone they desperately love.

    I’m now happily married, but I’ve loved desperately and passionately and lost. When this happens you feel as though you’re never going to love again. I think that part of this feeling stems from our human nature which yearns to hold on to something that makes us feel good (and rightfully so).

    Many times we neglect to look at the negative side of relationships that have no lasting future because we know that if we do, we’ll have to accept that they will not work.

    I will tell you this, the last time I suffered a broken relationship, I thought that my world had well and truly ended. I thought that I would never feel like that again no matter who came along. I refused to see that the relationship, although good, had no lasting quality because of little things (little things that would’ve turned into major things had we gotten married and had kids, and had to face the realities of bills and just life in general)

    It was only when I fully accepted that that relationship had ended and that my heart was broken but it would heal with time, that I met the most wonderful man on earth. We got married, had kids and after 11 years are still blissfully happy. He still calls me up from work just to say he loves me. He does everything I do for the kids, shares the cooking right down the middle and still is as affectionate as he was in the beginning.

    Try these things in this article. Get your friends to help you. First you must decide that it is over and that you have got to press forward and begin to heal. At this point you may still be holding on to the hurt because you are scared that if you let it go, you’ll let him go.

    Nickie, he’s already gone.

  4. Meri Jeffrey Says:

    I only wish more people could read your content and take your sound advice! Keep it up!

  5. Sarah Says:

    Thanks, this is all very helpful. I am longing to let go and move on but there is still something deep in my heart refusing to give up, I just don’t know how to shake it.

  6. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Sarah, this is understandable. It happens to everyone after a break-up. The important thing is that when you think about him, use not your heart which only remembers the good times. Think of him with your head, the rational side of you that remembers why it didn’t work, and all the heart ache that you experienced while you were together.

    The loss we feel after breaking up with someone we love is a lot easier to bear than the hurt they cause us while we are still in a relationship with them during the time that they are supposed to love us.

    At least you know that now he’s not supposed to be loyal to, or love you. What your heart says now is a lot less than what it would’ve said if it knew that the person who’s supposed to care for you is treating everyone else better than he treats you.

    One day soon, when you can open your heart again, you will meet the person you wanted that yesterday guy to be, and then you will really see that he wasn’t what you actually wanted, you were only making do with him.

  7. Erica T Barton Says:

    Great Advice.

  8. Greg Says:

    Check out Lushka16’s guide to getting dumped on the Somethingawful.com forums, because breaking up affects more than one party :)

  9. Dee Huff Says:

    A very sensitive and sensible article.

  10. Judy Sheldon Says:

    Very good advice. I particularly like the suggestion of listing the problem areas. Coming back to my list when I was feeling vulnerable always gave me just a little more push to move on. We enter into a relationships with a lot of expectations and hopes, and it is extremely hard to let go of them.

  11. Alexa Gates Says:

    Great advice.. i remember when my sister got out of an abusive relationship…she could have used this article…

  12. Ana Says:

    This is great advice, however, what if it’s been 18 months and the person still consumes your thoughts daily.. I know it’s unhealthy, but I can’t stop thinking about it, I feel as though I am quietly driving myself mad! I so want to just let go….

  13. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Hi Ana, have a look at my response at number 3 and then sit down and have a think about what really went wrong. I don’t know the details, but there must have been a reason for the break-up. If you did get together again, would that reason raise its nasty head again? I am sure that the pain was so great that you’d rather not go through that again, ever. If you don’t want him back, then why worry about him?

    You are right that you’re driving yourself mad. Surround yourself with friends who can help to take your mind off him, go out, live your life, because him you have already lost, and if you continue to let it consume you, you are going to lose yourself as well. It sounds like you’re already losing out on your life that’s happening now.

    Moving on is hard, but holding on to something that wasn’t yours in the first place is harder. And most importantly, futile. Maybe he’s the only person who’s loved you in that certain way, so you feel that if you let go of him in your heart, you would be letting go of the love and contentment you felt when he loved you.

    This is not true. The love was real so it will always remain in your heart. Contentment, happiness and love can exist in your heart forever without a person opposite you to give them to you.

    So, cherish what you once had and keep that ‘good feeling’ but realise that he is gone and move on knowing that you don’t need that person to make you feel good about yourself.

    He’s gone, and if you really want to let go as you say you do. You can. This week give yourself 20 minutes a day to think about him, set an alarm and when that time is over, go about your normal business. Next week, set the alarm for 15 minutes. Cut down each week until you get down to 5 minutes two times a week or so. Giving yourself a ‘feel sorry rota’ allows you time to walk away from it and not worry about it all the time.

    Good luck with this and let me know if it works.
    Best wishes,
    Anne

  14. Ana Says:

    Hi Anne – thank you for your words – I think just writing it down on this page has started the process, already I feel better about it, although there are moments when thoughts creep in. I will try the above method.. I’ll let you know in due cousre. Best wishes… :)

  15. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Hi Ana, I hope you’re doing better, yes, please let me know how the healing progresses.

  16. el Says:

    How do you get over someone when it was so perfect and you lived everyday knowing he loved you? And then it ended suddenly with so many questions. I need answers but I can’t see him or talk to him because my heart breakseven more, I cry even more and I lose my will to live because I know it’s without him. I’m so broken I don’t know how or if I can ever be repaired, I was so happy and now I feel like I can never regain that happiness I lived everyday.

  17. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear El, please read my responses at number 3,6 and 13.
    I really do know what you’re going through. I was in your situation once.

    It was the most perfect, complete love. He had never felt for someone what he felt for me, and the feeling was mutual. We couldn’t imagine life without each other and when we were away, from each other, had to speak constantly on the phone.

    Then it ended. Suddenly.

    Like with you, I needed answers. I did try to get them, but he won’t tell me. I felt totally lost and alone and thought that life would never be the same again.

    I am now happily married to the best man on earth (a different person) and when we laugh about the twelve years which have passed us by, we still can’t believe that it’s been so long. We feel as though we’re still dating.

    Now I know that that other relationship was doomed to fail (I knew it even when we were blissfully happy, but didn’t want to see it). Even though I hurt so much, I’m happy that it happened then and not after we’d married and had a mortgage and kids, because that would’ve broken me completely.

    The fact that it happened when it did, allowed me the chance to regroup, rebuild, and get on with my life. A life which is spent every day in a blissful relationship with my true soul mate.

    You don’t feel like hearing this now, but I can only say that time is a great healer, this time next year, you could be dating a fabulous man who is truly right for you. It is perfectly natural to feel that this is the end, we all do. However, the end of a relationship is only the beginning of the rest of your life, (a very difficult second birth I know) but one from which you would emerge wiser and stronger.
    Best, Anne

  18. Tia Says:

    I did like your advice! I just feel that I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I lost the one thing that I really looked forward to. MY friends aren’t cutting it. I love them to death and they are my support system it just does not feel like enough right now. I’m being sociable and I’m moving on with my life, I just don’t know anymore what will make me happy. I used to go to the gym everyday before I met my now ex. Im scared to even go do that because that is where I met him at. I do remember that going to the gym did make me happy but now I am in a maze debating which way to go next. This was my first serious relationship and it has been my decision to stay single up until this one. I loved being single I do remember that but when this guy came into my life I knew I could not let him pass me by. I wish I had of stuck to my initial mindset of staying single until college was over but I didnt and now I am left completely heart broken.

  19. Tia Says:

    Well, Luckily he does not attend that gym anymore. I really feel like he is confused about what he wants in life right now. There is a 9 year gap between the two of us. He just turned 28 and does not know if he wants to remain in Raleigh. He hates North Carolina, He hates his job. And I feel that maybe the reasoning behind him breaking up with me was completely irrational because of everything that is going wrong in his life. I have told him I would support him 100% if he were to move!!! Anne, the puzzle pieces fit perfectly when we were together. Every time he saw me his eyes lit up. Even after 9 months.(Thats how long we dated) He would point out ever little detail that he loved about me. And would ALWAYS tell me “Im perfect for him” I really believe that the age difference had him worried. I still live at home and am a sophomore now in college. But it is not like he did not know any of this to begin with. His parents even LOVED me and they never had a problem with the age difference mainly because I presented myself as the mature person that I am. I know that I can move on because I am a strong women but have you ever felt in your heart so confident about who you will end up with??? I know that quote if it is meant to be it will be, and I guess I just have to remind my self of it daily. He will never find someone like me, and I know that. The bars are set extremely high for the next girl, although he told me he’s not looking to date anyone he just needs to get his life in order. And another thing Anne is why would it be so horrible to be friend if I was able to get the emotions and feelings out of my heart??? I want to still be his friend. He became such an inspirational part of my life and the one good thing that I had to look forward to on the weekend.

  20. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Tia, you cannot be a friend. Not now. Many people have tried and failed. You would never get those feelings out of your heart while there is any remote possibility of a reconciliation.

    You will always want more, and you’ll only get hurt deeper. It’s best to make a clean cut now that you can. I think you have your answer – “He just turned 28 and does not know if he wants to remain in Raleigh. He hates North Carolina, He hates his job.”

    He obviously loves you, but also feels unsettled about what he wants for himself. This is where he’s growing into who he will be for the rest of his life; ‘a mini mid-life crises’ so to speak. He is right not to pull you into it as well. You have your life, your studies and your friends/family. If the shoes were on the other foot, you would’ve done the same thing. He is thinking of your well-being. Let him.

    As you say, if it is to be, it will be. Finish your studies, decide where you’re going. By then, he would’ve sorted his personal turmoil out and would’ve settled down into the life he wants to lead. If you meet up then, you’ll find out if you’re still in love with him. You may have moved on.

    Either way, it sounds as though moving outward from each other is the best thing to do. This avoids the inevitable combustion of what could otherwise have been a pleasant memory in times of future upsets.

    (And yes, I have felt that someone was right for me, only to find years later that there was someone even ‘righter’. Then more years went by and I found the ‘rightest’ someone, to whom I’m now married. Only time has taught me that if I had gotten together with that first person, we would’ve been divorced and maybe even had children. A break-up like that would’ve left me mortally wounded emotionally, and maybe unable to enjoy what I now have with my soul mate.)

    You are brave and confident,I was like that even at your age. You are also educated and articulate. If he didn’t want to continue with you, he must seriously be having a desperate crisis in his soul. For some reason, he’s chosen not to let you help him deal with this. You may never know why, but in the mean-time life is tick-tocking…

  21. alex Says:

    I’m going through a painful breakup which has turned my life upside down. Especially at the beginning I lost my sleep, apetite and all I wanted to do was sleep, hoping that when I woke up, everything would be alright – the pain would go away, he would be out of my life and I would be happy once again. I am lucky that I have a good support system of friends and family but I feel that I am being a burden as we keep talking about my problems without me being able to make any progress. I even defend him when they start reminding me of various things he did!

    I have tried your advice no. 3,6,7 but unfurtunately we are still in touch, actually he is. At first it was drunken calls, later it was in the afternoon with some lame excuse that he needed my help. I have explained and tried not to answer but that only resulted in him coming over to my house cause he was worried. People keep telling me not to open the door but how can I ? I want him back!! He creates a scene when he realises that I’m out with friends- trying to enjoy life- and got seriously jealous when he realised that i was spending time with my male friends.

    My biggest problem is that he keeps telling me that he loves me very much, that he wants me in his life but feels pressured about where things may lead. He is very vague about all of this but my impression is that he is afraid of commitment. It is very difficult for me to accept that one would let someone they loved go simply because they are afraid of commitment. Love to me is simple. You either love or you don’t. And if you do then you do everything you can to make it work. He also keeps repeating that if it is meant to be it will…which gives me hope which in turn is killing me!

    He is 34, not 18 how difficult can it be for him to make up his mind and stick to it? I want the pain to go away …

    ps: sorry for the long post

  22. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Alex, the first thing that went through my mind when I read your post was how utterly selfish and unfair this man is.

    I stopped typing then because I suspect that in your mind you’re saying that I shouldn’t say that because I don’t know him, and that he can be kind and adorable sometimes.

    Well, sometimes is frankly not enough. He is obviously hanging on to you because in doing so, he can boost his ego knowing that you need to be with him (people with low self-esteem have to manipulate conditions which result in them feeling desperately needed). At the same time, he is keeping you at arms length (just far enough to be able to grab you if he can find no one else) in the hope that maybe, someone he thinks is worth his commitment would flit by. In that case, having you at this safe distance would allow him to drop you easily.

    He is obviously not thinking about you. If he loved you, he would let you go free to find happiness elsewhere.This is evident in the way he behaves when you go out with friends. His ego would not let him accept that you’re not at home pining and weeping. (Your happiness in spite of him, makes him feel less important you see).

    You obviously know all of this because you’ve said yourself, “It is very difficult for me to accept that one would let someone they loved go simply because they are afraid of commitment. Love to me is simple. You either love or you don\’t. And if you do then you do everything you can to make it work.”

    At 34, a man has to know what he wants from a relationship. If he doesn’t, you don’t have to wallow in his juvenile confusion. You can and are free to leave permenently. Tell this man what you want and let him know that there is no point for you two to run together if you’re not even in the same race. Let him know that if he should come to your house again, he wouldn’t be welcome. Make sure he knows that you’re not broken enough about him to do anything drastic (which is what his inflated ego thinks you would do) because he is out of your life.

    If he doesn’t want you, let him know that that means he wouldn’t have any hold on you or what you do. I think you would be better off without someone this controlling. Imagine if you were married and you wanted to go to a work party with friends and asked him to watch the baby for a few hours. Would he behave any worse than he does now, when you two are not even properly together?

    I suspect that because you want him back, he is not the only person who needs to make up their mind about staying away. Your last question was ‘how difficult can it be for him to make up HIS mind…?’ This is half the problem. What makes you less than him, that you’re handing him the power to say what happens in a relationship in which you’re also involved?

    Maybe the time has come for you to take back your own power that you surrendered to this man some time ago and say, “I will make up my mind and stick to it!”

    The pain will only go away when you see that HE does. If you’re sure you do not want him, you will find a way to make him see this. Don’t let him ruin your life. I have a feeling that you’re not 18 either, and you feel it’s time to get on with living.

    One last thing, sometimes it is helpful to enlist the help of a male friend to tell needy men off, if they persist in their crazy, unrealistic persuance of a woman.

  23. alex Says:

    Dear Anne, although I’m not saying that I am ready to completely close the door to him, you have served me with some interesting food for thought.

    I am still struggling with the reality that the man i love and had such good and happy times -and still loves me- is not in my life. I am sure it is not because of another woman and that he does loves me…but as you have said, he loves himself more. I am now taking one day at a time, avoiding any contact with him, trying to clarify what it is that I want or dont want from my life. Wish me luck and thank you for all your help

  24. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    I understand totally what you mean Alex, and like you said, you definitely need the time away from him to sort out what you want.

    It’s so unfair that you’re caught up in his indicisiveness. I wish you all the best. Let me know how it goes.

    All the best for the future.
    Anne

  25. Zel Says:

    ummmmm dear anne

    i’m really young, but for some stupid reason seem to have met the love of my life early – in high school. although, this year, we havn’t officially “gone out” as they say here, we have been extremely close and i realised about 6 months ago that i was completely and utterly in love with him. This at the time came as a happy realisation because i thought, according to the things he said and did, that he felt the same way about me.

    However, i then found out, not directly from him, that he “liked” another girl. i was very confused by this and asked him if it was true, to which he only responded and admitted to the third time i asked. Apparently he was torn, and could not choose between the two of us. naturally, my heart was bruised by this severely as everything i had assumed up untill this point had been crushed. i got advice from friends to go for it and snatch him before she did, but attempting this only got me more wound up in the whole matter and increasingly in love. Upon seeing the many texts on his phone from her, and then later at several different events the two of them flirting and kissing passionately, my heart was crushed.

    I cried solidly for weeks, i wrote poems and small pieces, i painted and drew, i did and am doing practically all the things that have been mentioned throughout this page, and yet, after months, nothing seems to work. i am happy and positive about moving for a little while, but then i talk to him or see him, or i see them both together and my world splits in two and the tears just come back. i lose control.

    what is even more confusing is that he still says he has not made up his mind. why can’t he just chose between us and put me out of my misery? it is a rural area we live in and its hard to avoid them, but my heart strings feel constantly stretched to the point of snapping, as does my mental health.

    really sorry for the uber long comment =[

    xxxxx

  26. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Zel,
    You are one of the lucky ones, as you found out early how beautiful falling in love can be. I know you won’t possibly believe this, but it happens to us many times in our lives. At this moment you may be thinking that it’s impossible to love anyone as profoundly as you loved this young man, but we have such an unlimited capacity for love in our hearts, that it can and does happen again.

    It’s the same way parents feel after their first child is born. A friend of mine made up his mind right after his daughter was born, that he didn’t want another child because he felt so much love for his daughter, that he was sure he couldn’t possibly have any more left to share with any other baby he would have in the future. Needless to say, he found out that he was wrong.

    The reason I’m saying this to you is because you seem devastated that your first love has turned out the way it has, and at the moment your desperation comes from the fact that you think in your heart that you’ve lost something you’ll never ever find again.

    It is perfectly natural to feel this way, everyone does, but this is not true at all.

    It is evident that this young man does not love you the way you love him. It is painful, but you need to realise this in order to move on. In my response at number 23 I mentioned that it is not okay to leave the future of your love life in the hands of the man. By this I mean that it’s not right to leave the fate of a potential relationship totally up to him.

    You can make the decision to say, ‘that’s enough!’ If he felt for you like you do for him, he would’ve been as sure as you are that he wanted you two to be together.

    Even if you two enter into a relationship at this point, you will only get hurt. He will always be unsure, and this will mean that he’ll always cheat on you. Trust me, it would be a hundred times more painful then because at that time, you’ll expect more from him in terms of trust and loyalty than you do now.

    High school is a time to have fun (and I don’t mean promiscuity) and the second most important thing (first of course being your studies) is to find out who you are and what you want. Most people date and test the waters to find out what type of person they would like in the future. Not many people who meet in high school stay together, marry and have kids. There is a reason for this – most people change at the cusp of adulthood.

    Time is a great healer, put your head down, study, date other people and you’ll find that it will get better. My advise is not to push a relationship with this young man, he obviously does not really love you. If he did, he would’ve picked you – there would’ve been NO question in his mind at all. Ask yourself, is there a question in YOUR mind? would he have to wait for you to choose if the shoe was on the other foot?

    You’re smart. Now you have your answer.

  27. Zel Says:

    =)

    Thanks loads for that, it really helped.

    last night i asked him once more to make his mind up, which he wouldn’t, and so i did the hardest thing i ever made myself do and said that i’de had enough, we were over, and that i was moving on.

    and that i am going to do. i talked a lot with friends before and after, and evidently that was the right thing to do – at the moment it feels pretty awful but i am determined not to have my life wrecked by him, and i’m just going to try feel positive in life from now on – i’ll do all the stuff listed up there over, and this time i won’t be half driving backwards by hope. now i see me on my own in any future, but i’m going to start over in that sense of things, and test the water as you said and enjoy my life as a teen, as well as achieving the highest grades i can – that blank box in my mind can be filled up again at times can’t it, and i’ll always have my friends, and maybe in time i’ll learn to appriciate the benifits of what happened.

    lots of thanks again, you are great at this! :)

    xxx

  28. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Zel, I can ‘hear’ the tears in your ‘voice’ as you wrote those words. I can almost feel the evident pain you’re going through as you typed the words through your tears.
    However, I can feel that abundance of strength you’ve pulled out from somewhere in your being where you must have had it stored (or you wouldn’t have found it).

    Stick to your guns, enjoy your youth, and be happy. A person of your strength and courage shouldn’t be bogged down my misery you don’t deserve. One day you’ll look back and feel proud of yourself, until then, rely on your courage, your friends and loved ones to get you through this.

  29. Leisalee Says:

    I am going through a extreamly hard break up! I am older have been through a divorce and this is worse! We were engaged to be married on july 11 he broke up with me the first part of April. Really didn’t understand why. I have asked him to explain and he said I pushed him away. I guess there may have been times that I didn’t show him the atention I should have but I work full time at the post office and I am raising 2 teenagers. At times I feel a little overwelmed and kind of go into hidding….don’t want to talk to anyone. I have appologised and told him I would try harder to be more aware and not push him away. He said at this time he needed to concentrate on himself and he could only be a friend. He did say that maybe after he works on himself that things could change. I so want to hang on because I feel like we are supose to be together. I am a religious person and pray about it and seem to always feel the same….don’t give up it will work out. Help am I just grasping at straws? When I try to think of bad things about the relationship I have a hard time thinking of any.

  30. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Leisalee,

    I can understand why it hurts so much. You felt like you had a second chance at happiness with a life partner, and determined to make this one work. When that did not happen, it almost crushed you.
    As July 11th gets closer, your pain, instead of waning, grows even more intense.

    Maybe it was your inner turmoil of being scared that you were going to make the same mistakes as your first marriage, that led you to push him away.

    While there may be an element of truth in this, it sounds as though your fiance was partly to blame as well. It appears as though he is also unsure that this will work.

    The only thing I can say is that (and you won’t agree) it may be a good thing that the split happened now and not after you were married. Being twice divorced would have only left you more wounded, and would’ve negatively affected your self-esteem.

    There doesn’t seem much you can do about getting him back. The most important thing now is to focus your time and effort into reassuring your kids. Remember that this break-up is affecting them maybe as much as it has affected you. They’ll try to hide their pain because they do not want to place even more pressure on you than you already have. So talk to them and reassure them that relationships can and do work. The last thing you want to happen is for them to grow up with unresolved issues about relationships, because you were too buried in your agony to help them through theirs.

    You’re suffering I know, but concentrating on healing them, would take your mind off your pain, especially at this time when you should’ve been preparing to become a new bride.

    After this desperate period is over, take stock of what is left of the relationship. If it cannot be restored, determine to move on. You’ve been strong enough to do it once and you can draw wisdom from that episode to do it again. You’ll feel alone so once the kids are okay, gather your friends and family around you and rebuild.

    There isn’t time to run after this man, let go of him. I’m assuming he’s older, so if he loves you, he’ll know that he’s got to come running back soon or you’ll be gone.

    Tell him you’re stepping away and really do so. If he doesn’t come back, build your strength and leave him alone. You found him, so you can and will find another.

    The bottom line is that your kids have to be comforted and reassured. This break-up could’ve left them thinking that it was their fault. But of course you wouldn’t know this until you really sit down, take time off, and speak with them.

    Find calm, find peace. When you pray, stop asking to be reunited with this man and ask God instead to give you the peace to let go. Always remember that as a Father, God sometimes answers ‘NO’ to our prayers when He knows something isn’t good for us. It’s only natural for a parent to do this. If your child asked you for a weapon what would your answer be?

    Maybe God has already given you his answer…

  31. Ana Says:

    Dear Ann,

    Thank you so much for all your advice. Finally after 18 months I am really happy, I still think about ‘him’ from time to time, but not in a pining way. It feels so good to be free of all that negative emotion. Having decided to address it head on, I was able to see that it just isn’t worth the agony anymore and he is so far away now, I can’t believe I waited so long to move on – sometimes it just happens that way I suppose. When you are in that headspace where you feel so confused it’s hard to see the light, but when you are out the other side it seems so obvious that time is really the healer. In my case I became so fed up with my feelings of frustration that I had to have a word with myself.. I felt quite low for a few days but the following week it was as if a huge weight had been lifted.

    Thank you for your support, reading these posts has really helped. Good luck to everyone. Ana.

  32. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Ana,

    I am really happy to hear from you again. Thank you for taking the time to come back, and for your very encouraging comment.

    It’s so good to know that you’ve started to heal. Your strength is a boost to others, much more than you know.

    I wish you all the best in love. He’s still out there for you to find him.

    Best,
    Anne

  33. Alicia Says:

    My bf broke up with me last night. it wasn’t the first time, but now I guess I know it has to be the last one. He breaks up but always comes back, telling me he loves me and wants to make it work. but lately it had been impossible.

    The problem started 6 months into the relationship. This was my first bf and I couldn’t be happier! I didn’t want anything to come between us, I was so determined not to lose him and to protect him. But he started inquiring about my past. It included a mutual friend. Please bear in mind that my past wasn’t really bad, I remained a virgin until I started dating my bf. But it was something that he wouldn’t understand. And I lied. But then I came clean. And exactly what I was fearing, happened. He started judging me on my past actions, even though they had happened years before I met him. He called me names and became really angry. He started using the past against me. He said I had dissapointed him. He wasn’t afraid to be mean; sometimes he said I even deserved it for having lied and for my past.

    I started hiding more stuff about the past, only to come clean later. However, I started accomodating my life so he wouldn’t be jealous, so I finished some friendships, stopped going out, etc. We had a lot of good times together, and sometimes the problems seemed non existant.

    Last month, we broke up for like a week (this was the most time we’ve managed to be apart). And of course, when we got back together we made a lot of promises, but the relationship was still weak. So the first time he brought up the subject of my past and my lying again, I freaked. I started being mean during arguments, crying, yelling, unable to control myself. I guess I wanted him to realize that I did love him, that I did wanted to start over, but that he was hurting me and that I wanted him to please stop it! But he wouldn’t. He became even more upset that I was crying over problems that he said were my fault.

    Last night, he brought up the subject. I was fed up. He said I never made the changes he expected me to do, so it was over. That he loved me but apparently I didn’t, and that he was tired to put up with my immaturity and mistakes and that also he can’t trust me so that was it.

    I love him completely, and I don’t know why. On top of it, my self esteem is crushed because he made it seem that I hurt him and dissapointed him, he often talked about marriage and that i was the o}love of his life. Now I feel like the awful woman who makes a man bitter and hurt. I can’t see myself without him, this was my first bf and we were together for a long time. We have loads in common, and I love that about him. Where will I ever find someone else I have so much in common with, who’s just a sperfect as this guy, except for the fact that he abused me? I feel so lost, and like I’ll never find the love that I want – someone nice, caring, respectful, who’ll love me for who I am today, and who’ll also share a lot in common with me. I swear my ex was so much like a prince charming to me, except when he bashed me about my past.

    I wish the above tips help me. I really don’t want to suffer so much for him!

  34. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Alicia, I somehow get the feeling that you’ve read the article and have decided that none of the ideas presented there were going to work for you, even without trying them.

    Have you tried any of them so far?

    By what you’re saying, your relationship with your boyfriend seems to be one of ‘playing games’ on both sides. You both seem to deliberately wind up each other so that you could see how far the other person would get without breaking.

    While you were wrong to lie to your boyfriend, he was also at fault for bringing it up every time you had a fight.

    Frankly, your past (before you two met) has nothing to do with him at all. Of course, it’s a different story if you volunteered information which wasn’t correct, only for him to find this out later on. Let this be a lesson for your next relationship. Let whatever you reveal about yourself be the truth, and always remember that true love accepts all faults.

    Nevertheless, a clean start is just that. Maybe because of all the hurt that has gone by between you two, a clean start is no longer possible.

    I know that there are girls who married their first boyfriends and have lived fulfilled lives, but these people are very rare.

    The rest of us go on to find true love much later in our lives.

    Please try the suggestions, they really work. One thing to remember is that Prince Charmings are actually charming,they do not play games.

    All the best to you.

  35. LT Says:

    My bf of 11 months broke up with me on june 21st. I found out that he was cheating on me. We had a long distance relationship. We would talk almost everyday, email, text, and use the webcam. We would also see each other at least every other week. We talked about getting married and having children. We talked about this on a regular basis as if it would be the two of us doing this together. Six months into the relationship, we broke up for about a week or so. When we talked, he told me that he loved me and I was a great person but he was afraid that if we went further that I may not be willing to move to where he is. He also told me that he has never been with anyone like me and I take him out of his comfort zone. He’s used to women who are materialistic and selfish. Although I like nice and fancy things, I treated him well and was very thoughtful to him. After we talked, we decided to get back together. Well during the time that we were back together, he was apparently seeing someone else and still communicating with his ex-girlfriend. When i found out, that’s the day he broke up with me and turned very cold toward me. He seemed to be in a confused and scared state of mind. I left his home and drove back to my home and cried all the way. I felt hurt, betrayed and started to feel that the entire relationship was a lie. He told me that the relationship wasn’t a lie and that he still loved me and that he did not have sex with anyone else. When I asked him to be honest since it was already over, he still said the same thing. I have not spoken to him since I came home, however, he responded to an inspirational email that I normally send out to friends on a regular basis. In the email he said that he was taking some time to think and that he would be available to talk on saturday. After reading that statement, I felt as if the statement was made with no remorse and that he was not going to apologize. I love this man and I do want him back, but I want him back once he has owned up to his lies and deciet and repents and apologizes. The person that broke up with me is not the person I was dating. I just dont know what to do. I have been praying for him and his issues and the restoration of our relationship.

  36. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear LT
    It is difficult to maintain vibrant long-distance relationships even in normal circumstances, where both parties are in love with each other and are both faithful and loyal to one another. Therefore, it is commendable that you’ve managed to keep going for so long.

    However,if you are going to continue in a long-distance relationship, you have to be certain that your expectation of loyalty and his needs for a steady companion are both met. If your boyfriend needs a person nearby whom he can see regularly, getting back with his ex may not be a thing of the past.

    It may be a good idea to plan to meet face to face and discuss honestly what you both want from a relationship. You seem content with talking to him on the phone and seeing him at intervals. If this is not what he wants also, no matter how much you love each other, there is sadly, no point in carrying on. You will forever be thinking about what he’s up to, (even when or if he is totally innocent) this, as you know, is not a recipe for a happy relationship.

    You do not seem to have concrete evidence that he’s cheated, and until he has actually properly confessed to this, you would be wrong to accuse him and demand an apology just because he spoke with his ex. This vicious circle will continue and you will grow more and more suspicious as he becomes increasingly tormented by your nagging, UNLESS you both in your discussion, can come to a decision which pleases both parties.

    The time has come to have a heart to heart. I suspect that he is no longer content with a long-distance relationship, but would rather someone nearby to talk to.

    If this is not you, I’m afraid a decision to part may be one of the solutions.

    Do not move just because you think this will keep him faithful. A faithful man by nature, would’ve broken up with you before moving on, NOT (as you suspect) while you’re still together.

  37. LT Says:

    Anne,

    Thanks for the advice. I have proof of him cheating but of course the last time I spoke with him, he was still denying it. BTW, I left out some information that was just too painful to write before. The ex is local only when she’s not away at school, and the other woman he’s seeing, is also long distance and lives further away than I do. It appears that I was the one that he spent most of his time with, which is still no excuse for him cheating.

    What approach can I use to get him to talk openly and honest with me? He’s been texting me with small talk but I haven’t responded to any of the messages.

  38. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear LT,
    This bit of information sheds more light on the situation, and I must admit, it doesn’t look too good.

    Your boyfriend has worked out a way to have his bread buttered on both sides AND the corners.

    When I was a teenager, I dated this guy who would only come to see me on certain days, and only went to see a movie with me if we were going to a certain cinema.

    I found out one day that he was seeing another girl whom he only saw on certain days (days we weren’t together) and that he went with me to that cinema because the other one in the village was close to where she lived.

    Needless to say, I dropped him that very day and never looked back. (He tried to lie to the end, but I didn’t want to know, I was too busy laughing at the scheme he had plotted which blew up in his face)

    It seems as though your boyfriend might be filling the time you’re away from him with other people (and accomodating you on his rota when they’re away).

    If, like you say, you’ve got your proof, why are you hanging on? What can he say (and I doubt he would confess) to you to make it all better?

    I find it crazy that after all this you still want to talk it through. Why do you want to be with such a devious man?

    The mere fact that he is still engaging you in small talk indicates that he expects you to accept this arrangement. He obviously knows that you are aware of his other women. If his remorse hasn’t yet been forthcoming, it is evident that he sees nothing wrong with this.

    If you want to continue with him, there is nothing anyone can say to make you do differently. Just be aware that now you will be going into this situation with your stamp of approval on the one thirds of a relationship he is offering you. You will have no power now to change anything. Getting back with him is saying you know he’s cheated, but it’s alright because you don’t feel you’re worth better.

    In my view, no approach will make him confess, if you haven’t been able to so far. There are many wonderful men out there, but there a few who shed a bad light on the rest of them. This man seems to be one of the latter. I work with young men and their approach to everything from crime to drugs to relationships is NEVER CONFESS! The Shaggy song ‘It Wasn’t Me’ may be fiction, but there is a lot of truth in it.

    I hope you find strength to move on, as I really cannot see what a confession is worth to you now that you know what your one third of a boyfriend has been doing. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it is not okay to mess around with people’s feelings. Cheating can be forgiven, I am totally behind this, but in a case where the cheat doesn’t feel he/she has done anything wrong, that’s way too serious to consider giving them a second chance.

  39. LT Says:

    Ann, thanks for the advice. I thought that I needed him to confess for closure. I see now that I’ll have to close this door myself. BTW, I wasn’t engaging in small talk with him. He’s been texting and emailing and I haven’t responded at all. I have forgiven him for cheating but this is something I’ll never forget. He’ll reap what he has sown.

    Thanks a bunch! You’re great!

  40. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Thanks for your kind commment. I think that you’re doing the right thing.

    There are several ways to block him from calling you if you so desire. If you do need closure, you may find it in speaking to the other woman (if you know who she is) and letting her know that you’re walking away. This way, you would’ve shut the door behind you and given yourself a reason NOT to go back.

    Many times though, one just has to let time heal the wound. Closure does not always present itself, especially in relationships involving untrustworthy and selfish people. Of course this is unfair to the other party, but they cannot see life from anyone else’s perspective. This just leaves you to pick up your own broken pieces and walk on.

    All the best with this.
    Anne

  41. SMT** Says:

    Dear Anne,

    I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of three and a half years… I am doing everything i can do to cope with losing him: Going out with friends, spending time with my family, staying busy etc. But for some reason I cant move on.

    I dont know how to be on my own anymore and that scares me. I know it is over with him and I am ready to move on but how do I do that when every part of me is still in love with him? I dont feel like ME anymore ( I know it sounds pathetic but its true).

    I feel as thought I need to talk to him as we broke up through text message and haven’t spoken since but I am worried it will only make me miss him more.

    I hate that this has effected me so much, I thought I was stronger than this, that I could deal with a little heart break, turns out I was wrong.

    Anne, please help me to get over him, I am tired of feeling this was.

    SMT

  42. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear SMT, it is natural to feel the way you do. You don’t feel like ‘you’ at this point in time because your relationship with your boyfriend had become such an intricate part of your life, that now he’s not there your thoughts and feelings are all in a ‘different place,’ a place which doesn’t feel like ‘home.’

    You would be less than human if you didn’t still love this man. You loved him for 3 and a half years, emotions don’t suddenly turn off because of a break-up.

    A large part of the reason you feel so unsettled and unable to draw a line and move on is because of the way in which you broke up. This is certainly not the way to conduct such a traumatic event. It leaves everyone with unanswered questions.

    You need to see each other face to face to say your goodbyes. You are strong, but no one is strong enough to absorb closure from text messages.

    I suggest you do it properly. This is the only way you could start to draw from the strength you’re sure is inside you, to move on and get on with your life.

    Time will indeed heal. Think on this, look forward to it happening, and you’ll start to see a difference.

  43. louie jerome Says:

    Yes, you should certainly get your self a job as an agony aunt! LOL

    Useful advice for those who need it, though.

  44. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Thanks Louie. I am certainly available!

  45. H.P. Says:

    I don’t know if you’ll reply to this but, heres my story, sorta.

    We started in grade 9… and we were both just kids really… so then we grew together. these influential four high school years molded us… and we grew and learn about ourselves and how to make friends with people and how to deal with life situations. The thing is.. he’s in every bit of it. Every ‘first’ that i did was with him…including first exam, first school skip, first party..e verything. And all our friends are the same.

    He has a lot of good points… he’s really loyal, a great listener, and he’s not stingy and ultra smart. Thats what i love so much about him. But lately, esp in grade 12, he poured all his attention into video games and didn’t evn care about university course selections, or study much during exams. During school he always put off calling me or going out .. saying that he needed alone time after he studied. So i learned to be patient and understanding.
    But summer came, he had a car that he can use, we live 5 min car ride away, and he still won’t wake up to take me to lunch, nor would he go shopping with me or anything at all. My birthday was in april, and i still dont’ have any sort of card or present as promised. On the rare nights where he actually ‘talks’ to me on the phone, all he does is moan or make weird noises to put me off from asking him questions, or asking his opinion. He’s always been a quiet, don’t like to be on the phone kind of guy, but a) he won’t go out with me (??) so i can’t help but think he doesn’t care at all b) i’m not forcing him to purposely come up with topics, i’m just asking to learn more about his opinion.. so that i can understand the way the thinks more.

    i lost all hope when he blew me off on a date that he promised to take me on (After i talked ‘at’ him about how little we see each other) and then… he over slept. I call him 1-2 hrs later…angry and told him it was already past the meeting time and he said “i thot u’d call me”. THING IS he’s taking his gf out [FINALLY]… why should she be the one calling him like his mom?

    i couldn’t stand it anymore and suggested a break up, and he asked why. and I said i just wanted more attention, more love… and he said oh ook then. bye.

    i just don’t understand. so its been 4 years of knowing each other, 3 years of dating… i know i should get over him. but he’s so much part of me in high school. Highschool’s the only school i actually felt complete in because i switched schools every 2 years…
    its scary how reliant i am. what can i do? He says he still loves me, but he just won’t care. he’s firm on it…
    whenever i talk about it he doesn’t reply, or says iunno. when i force him by going to him physically and talking about it. he’d just close his eyes and pretend to sleep.

    (i don’t know how to talk to guys anymore)

  46. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear LT, I’m sorry for the delay in answering you. Your comment came at a time when I had several others (from various other articles), and it got lost in and among them.

    Sometimes, a relationship between a male and a female is mistaken by both parties as a romantic one when it’s simply a relationhip of friendship.

    It sounds like this was the case with your friendship with the young man you’ve known for 4 years. He seems to treat you more like a friend than a girlfriend. The way you described, is exactly how most males treat their male friends. There is an understanding that there’s never any pressure, you don’t feel like doing something -you don’t. This doesn’t mean that the friendship is ending (and guys get that).

    Please remember that not all relationships are made to last. Some have to run their course then end naturally. Sometimes they fizzle out, and many times it’s up to the people in those relationships to end them, when all the joy that could have come out of them have done so.

    This guy hasn’t fallen out of love with you, it sounds like he was never in love with you in the way you wanted him to be. He may still love you, but if you keep pushing for a relationship that’s clearly not there, he could get irritated and walk out of your life.

    I think that you should accept (no matter how hard it may be to do so), that the romantic relationship you want with this guy is no longer there. If you can stand to be his friend and keep him in your life, do so, if not walk away.

    It’s perfectly okay and natural to grow out of friends, boyfriends, and relationships. Look forward to the excitement of moving on.

  47. Janine Says:

    Hi Anne,

    My break up is a bit complicated. I ran away from home when I was 18 to be with my ex. Things didn’t go very well bec we were young and I felt guilty about running away. A year after, I went back home because he broke up with me because we were always fighting and I have a very bad temper (moreso because I was racked with guilt). Then a month after he decided to get me back,so I took him back behind my parent’s back. Things got very difficult for me at home so I decided to move out and move back in with him again. My parents don’t talk to me anymore. After that it just went downhill from there. Mind you we had a lot of very good memories, but when we fought it was bad. On our second breakup, I decided to relocate because he was moving out leaving me with a 2 bed apartment i cant afford. He decided to follow me. So we got back together, only to break up 2 more times after, both times with him moving out. On this last time he broke up with me, I thought I was going to be ok (he was still living at our apartment, because we both decided that we will talk about living arrangements after our impending trip). I guess i was in denial. I went out, started dating this one amazing guy, and ignored him. He said that he wanted me back, but I didnt give in this time. I told him that i saw a pattern with the break ups. In the 6 years we were together, he broke up with me 4 times in total. So we acted as “friends” but really we werent because we still love each other and we had a trip coming up.

    After our trip, He went to Ontario while I went to san diego and my new guy went to see me there after. I was really happy he was there, but I still kept thinking about my ex. My new guy knows the situation and he knows that I am not using him to get over my ex, because i really do genuinely like him, and I was fed up with being dumped all the time.

    Now here’s the thing, when my ex and I got back to our apartment, that’s when it hit me. WE WERE OVER THIS TIME. I was really hurt by it, I was angry. I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. Now he has moved out, his things are in a storage unit, but there are still somethings of his that are in the apartment. I am left to pay 2100 for our rent (he will apparently “help me out”, which i kind of believe). I am moving out of the apartment in a month. I feel super depressed. I dont know a lot of people up where i live as I am always at work. I dont have the drive to do anything. I dont really feel like eating, though I force myself to. I cant sleep, but I have to because I get up early in the morning for work (5 AM). When I’m at work, I am googling “how to get over him”. I AM IN A RUT AND I NEED TO GET OUT OF IT. He is all I have known since I was 18 (I am 24 now), my first in everything.

    I tried doing #1, but I cant seem to control myself. #2 makes me think more of him, so I did #3. It somewhat helps. I dont do #4 but since we lived together I still have some of his things. As far as #10, I really do like my new guy, and we are taking it very slow. I just wanna get past this stage, but I am finding it very difficult. We were engaged to be married at the end of this year or early next year. I know that I have to let him go because he deserves to be happy with another girl, as I do with my new guy – or another for that matter. I am very scared that I will make the same mistakes with my future relationships (I apparently nag – although I think it isn’t without good reason [why cant they keep their socks together and throw it in the laundry bin?]; I dont have a world outside of him; I limit myself because I have always been so responsible; I get agitated real easy..)

    Bottom line is, I need to move on, but I really cant seem to. I have already done my fair share of crying. And I am sick of it. I need to know how to move on, because I think that he already has.

    PS sorry for the very long post which is redundant

  48. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Janine,

    I can tell that even though you realise that this relationship is over, you find it super difficult to give it up. This reluctance is NOT because of the relationship itself, but because of the things you had to give up in order to persue it.

    This desperation you’re now experiencing is the sadness that fills your heart because you feel that now the relationship is over, you’ve in effect wasted years, tears, time, and have lost your parents’ love for what? a handfull of bills and nothing else.

    When you stopped talking to your parents for this man, you expected to show them (by staying together happily)that they were wrong.

    I can assure you that if you reclaim the things you’ve given up for this man, that you’ll begin to heal.

    It’s the same as alcoholics going back to apologise to the people they’ve allowed to fall away (while married to their drinks) in order to heal.

    Now I’m not saying that you’ve wronged your parents at all. What I’m saying is that you’re mourning the loss of their love. A reconciliation with them is now possible and your heart knows this. When you’ve done this, you’ll feel your sadness slip away bit by bit.

    As I said in a previous post, not all relationships are meant to last forever. Many relationships come to a natural end after they’ve run their course. Yours seems to have done so. Cherish the good times and try to forget the bad.

    This was obviously a volatile relationship which has now come to an end. It’s good that you’ve walked away before you’re scorched for good.

    Contact your parents, have a long talk with them, then let me know if you’re feeling better. I’m sure this is the key!

    I’m glad you’ve found someone to help you move on.

    Best,
    Anne

  49. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    The reply at number 47 is meant to be for HP. Sorry for the mix up with the name.

  50. HP Says:

    Hey Anne.

    thanks for replying me.

    I never looked at it the way you looked at it. Mostly cause i notice he didn’t have a lot of friends. Not cuz he ’s a loser or anything, but cause he chooses to be alone.

    And maybe because he had no friends, and i’m always frolicking around him, he kinda used me as ‘the friend’ person or.. i just don’t know.
    its complicated. i know i’m still missing him, and quite a bit too.

    i’m going on a 60 -day ban. i hope it works, so far he didn’t try to contact me in anyway so i know he doesn’t care anyways.

    thanks a lot for your reply yet again.

  51. Janine Says:

    Hello Anne,

    Thanks for your advice. Unfortunately, my parents refuse to talk to me. I think its what they refer to as tough love.

    I would like to add that by no means was my ex a terrible boyfriend. he did take care of me, and that is what i truly miss about him. He just couldnt handle my mood swings (I tend to get really crabby especially since I work very very long hours 12 or 13 hour days, for 11, 18, or 24 days straight, or I stress about everything). I guess that is why I kept taking him back, because he was in some way shape or form very good to me.

    Somedays I compare my current guy to my ex and I know its not right. :( I just need to get over my ex and I dont know how to since everyday, every minute, my feelings towards this break up is always different. I just wanna get on with it!

    Thanks a bunch again!

  52. LT Says:

    Hi Anne,

    I wrote to you at the beginning of July regarding my break up with my long distance boyfriend. He cheated and of course lied about it. I did not speak to him for a month but he contacted me almost everyday. Finally a few days ago, I decided to respond to him. He asked if he could come to visit me and I said ok. He walked through the door and apologized for taking me for granted and mistreating me. The next day, he admitted to cheating and apologized. He stated that he is no longer seeing the other person and should not have been seeing her in the first place. I believe that his apology was sincere and I want to believe that he’s not seeing the other person anymore because he also stated that he will never see her again in life.

    I still love him, but I know that if we decide to get back together, It will take a long time before I can trust him again. When he left to take his 5 hour ride home, he called me and left a message saying that he was still in love with me.

    With all of this being said, what should I do or how should I handle this situation.

  53. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear LT,

    This is a difficult one. I haven’t got many details about this relationship, so naturally, you know more about it than I’ll ever do.

    I am a romantic at heart, so I am tempted (even with my limited knowledge of the situation) to say give it a try, solely because he has admitted his mistake.

    However, with his track record of cheating, as you said, it’s hard to trust him again.

    Therefore, it would be up to what your eyes have seen in his eyes, and his stance and remorse when he apologised. Do you think it’s all genuine?

    The determining question to ask yourself is: can you see yourself eventually marrying him and having kids with him? It’s only worth giving him a chance if you see this as a long-term thing. If not, don’t bother wasting your time.

    If you are going to take him back. Let him understand that cheating is forbidden. Ask him for you two to take a complete break off each other for a set amount of time. It would be a good idea to ask him not to contact you at all during this time to give you time to think. After this period, if he still feels like you’re the only one for him he can visit you (don’t go to him,let him put in some effort to see what it’s like) so you two can sit down together and decide what you want for the future.

    Good luck with making this decision. I’m sorry I cannot be of more help. However, without knowing all the details and without having seen him with my own eyes,I cannot say one way or the other, if he’s truly sorry.

    People say that men don’t change, but I think that if someone really wants to, they will. After all, a man has control over his own ways. Let me know how this goes, and my heart is with you.
    Anne

  54. tara Says:

    hi Anne,
    i hope u can help me out. i got into a relationship with this boy in june.it was a very quick decision, i just got into it,and i even rmeember initially i didnt wanted to get into a relationship with him cuz i thought he was not what i want. buti sill got into,,,n i strtd loving him(m not sure if it was love) but yes, i felt very attached to him mayb cuz we got quite intimate,jus a few days bfr i got into a relationship wit him i relaised he is still in contact with his ex. and he told me she was distrbing her n he dusnt wana evn speak to her n i have also deleted her from my facebook.things went on fine. n thn the second time i went to stay with him i realised he is stil in contact with his ex.n he is said it clearly i havnt forgotten her yet, n i cnt jus give up takin to her but you are the only girl in my life and i love you(but if he actualy loved me he wud have left his ex knowin dt no1 wud like thr bf/gf takin totheir ex). at that point i felt cheated as i wasnt told the clear truth bfr.i strtd to feel a bit insecure n strtd questioning about whr he is goin, who is he takin to etc. n thn later on wen i gt bk to my place he said i am pissed off right now, i need some time on my , u took up my space nlets jus b frnz nw.i agreed to it n eventually (in few days) he got bk wiv me. bt thr have bin episodes where he said i dn wana tak to u nemre n thn gt back again. he was very caring wat i cud make out, dunno if it was real or fake!..he dint like me askin him questions so i completely stopped…but thn he strtd to question me bout who is textin me , who m i takin to etc. n i answered him very patiently.
    but recently he was over at my place n was goin thru some pics in my laptop ,, i dint wantd to him see em as thy were very weird childhood pics so i switched off d laptop, he got angry over it, i tried to make it upto him, bt he got angry n jus left abusing me and switched off his phone.
    n thn i txtd him apologisin n askin him if he wans to tak to me or no, n replied bk i dn wana tak , thnx for everyfng.
    i tried to accept it, but it strtd hittin me soo badly at 4 in d morning i called him n he got very rude sayin u die or got to hell i dont care, i regret meeting u etc etc. n i was crying very badly wen my mum saw me crying she texted him sayin dat as a mother i cannot forgive you, but my faith tells me to forgive ignorant ruthless fools like you, stay away from her.
    n d next day he texted emsayin dat he dint mean to say all dat n stuff n felt very bad bout the text my mum sent him n stuff .
    at night i called him puttin my ego aside n still he had d same things to say to me but in a normal tone. n he said i dun wish to tak to u nemore.
    this is not the first time it happened he has hurted me a lot. he got into a relationship wiv me but is stil so much involved wiv his ex,,, i mean who wud take all tis? dont you think if he actualy loved me he wud hav left his ex completely thinking bout how i feel.
    but i jus cnt forget him , thou the relationship is not even two months old,the good times i had wiv him make me cry, i miss the way he used to care for me at times. i miss all dat. but i also realise that he hurted me a lot. he says if ur mum wudnt hav txtd me i wud have spoken to u. but he shud realise dt my mother was hurted by the way he behaved wv me, by the way i was hurted.
    and moreover, he is also leaving the country for good by next week (not because of the fight, but other reasons), so i know there is no scope for this relationship but still m finding it a bit hard to gt over it!
    i feel good wen i tak about my feelings wv my sister, n i feel strong after that. but thn again in some time i strtd feeling low.
    please advice me something!

  55. Jen Says:

    Dear Ann,
    I’ve been dating a guy on and off for the past 3 years. We didn’t speak for a year and recently got back in touch again a few months ago. I just moved to WA from CA and coincidently he has been here as well working on a project at microsoft. One night he txted me and we got back in touch and started seeing each other again. We hooked up one night and afterwards he told me he didn’t see it going anywhere b/c he was involved with someone in armania long distance. I am white and he is indian btw. He told me they’ve never met and only chatted online but he wanted a relationship with her. Even though he told me this I stayed thinking I was better than the other girl and that I had a better chance with him than her. We’ve always had amazing sexual chemistry with each other so b/c I felt so in love with him I didn’t want to leave. Eventually though, we started fighting again and I got tired of knowing that I was his 2nd best so I broke it off with him but it wasn’t easy. I got angry knowing that I could never be with him due to our diverse cultures and his unwillingness to ever try to invite me into this. Why wasn’t I ever worthy of this? after the 3 years we spent together and the chemistry we shared that I’ve never felt with anyone else. He had a lot of qualities that I look for in someone but I knew he’d never offer me a real commitment. It ended by me leaving a message on his voicemail telling him how upset I was by him coming back to me knowing he never wanted me and that he wanted to stick to his culture all along. I haven’t spoken to him since and want to cut all my ties but I still find myself thinking about him all the time and am disappointed it will never work despite the strong feelings I had for him. I know its time to move on but its hard to imagine I’ll find someone else that I was so head over heels for and someone I had such strong chemistry with. I just wish he’d left me alone to begin with. If he wanted the other girl I don’t know why he came back to me.

  56. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Tara,
    There’s nothing else to say than what you’ve already said. There is no future for this relationship.

    This guy knew he was eventually leaving the country, so he thought he could have some fun. He’s had it, now he’s going.

    You may have heard the saying, ‘trust your instincts,’ you didn’t, and now you’re paying for it.

    Next time you meet someone who you feel is not right for you, don’t start a relationship with them. I’m surprised that you got together with him, fully aware that he was not what you wanted. I don’t know why you would do that.

    Listen Tara, this may sound unfeeling, but it is the truth. You’ve had 2 months of a one-sided relationship with a man who used you. Be thankful that he’s leaving, which means that this has no possibility of dragging out into years of abuse.

    Talk to your sister and allow her to help you get over him. This is a crush gone bad. WE all have these. If we are wise, we will limit them to just one in our whole lifetime. Learn from this mistake.

    Next time you feel a guy is not for you. Stay away from him!

    In three to four weeks from now, you’ll be wondering why you even bothered. This will heal very quickly.

    Best wishes,
    Anne

  57. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Jen, I’m truly sorry to hear about your story. You seem to be totally in love with him.

    Sometimes traditional parents and family members make it difficult for someone to marry outside of their culture. Many times, people who dare venture out of this situation are disowned by their parents.

    I would blame this guy for answering your call, except that he was honest enough to level with you from the start.

    You chose to remain with him, thinking that you could change his mind. The only good that has evolved out of this, is that you now know that you cannot change someone else’s mind for them.

    This is an unfortunate situation, but I am sure that if you choose to call him again some time in the future, the same thing will happen again. You have to now pick up your life and move on. Maybe you were uncertain of the terms of this affair the first time you split, now you are not!

    Try the tips above as they really work. As a married woman, I can tell you that a vital part of any marriage is being able to accept one’s in-laws. Even, if you had married this man, you may not have lasted very long together, because his parents would’ve never accepted you. This is a shame and it is certainly their (and his) loss.

    Chemistry in a relationship can only count for so much. That has now been explored and expired from his point of view. As you know, a relationship is not one sided. He has his eyes on a girl and she isn’t you. Restore your self-esteem and believe that you’re worth loving just as much as you’re willing to give, and this will help you move on swiftly.

    It’s time to leave this behind, isn’t it?

  58. Tara Says:

    Dear Anne,
    thanx soo much for advice and support. I have changed my lifestyle now , i have again started going out doing things i love. I am making an effort on it.and i have confidence on myself that i wil get over it very soon!!its just still at times i feel a bit anxietic and low.
    and jus to say: he didnt have any plans of leaving the country before, its just some time back only he decided on that.
    But i undrstand your point and thanx for everyfng. will keep you updated with whats going on.
    thanx a ton!

  59. Tara Says:

    JEN,
    Hi jus went thru ur story, n jus to let you know i am an indian girl, n being an indian girl i can tell you it’s very rare that an indian man would marry a girl out of his culture. n secondly, parents also expect a daughter-in-law from their own culture, an its 1 in 20 that the boy would go against his parents wishes.
    and to tell u the psycho of indian boys, if he is born and brought up in india…trust me men from their who go abroad have a thinking that till they are in abroad they will have full time fun with gals.
    He is not for you.
    if u r a sensible girl , leave him for good, i undrstnd its difficult , but once u put in ur efforts it wont be long before u forget him.
    good luck!

  60. Jen Says:

    Ann,
    Thanks for your advice. Not only were our cultures different but he wasn’t treating me well anyway. I know I can get over him and find a much better guy.

  61. Jen Says:

    Tara,
    Yeah, you\’re not the only one who told me that. That\’s the thing I\’m really concerned about now is if I should continue dating indian guys just for that reason. I really like them and the culture but I\’m scared I might run into this again. The guy I dated is punjabi so I know that culture tends to be a little more strict but I don\’t know if I should be working on changing my type and not date indian guys anymore. I really want something serious with someone but not sure if I need to start looking else where

  62. Tara Says:

    Jen,
    i would advise to you ,to go for a guy of your own culture, trust me u cant fit in better newhere else except wiv a guy of your own culture. as u arent expected to change ur way of living etc. and u can be yourself.

    take care.

  63. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Jen, I have personal experience that two people from different so-called ‘cultures’ can live blissfully, happily together. They just have to both love and respect each other.

  64. Jen Says:

    Anne,
    Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I want to give up and am worried about going for a guy from another culture again but I’m ready to get back out there and try again. This time I will know how to clear the air to see if the culture aspect will be an issue in building the type of relationship I’m looking for. Thanks again Anne.

  65. ruby Says:

    hi anne,
    i just broke up with my boyfriend a week back. I am getting over him, but the thought that he might get back with his ex – gf (as they are still in contact, and he didnt even tell her about me)hurts me a bit, even though it has nothing to do with me. this feeling makes me feel really low.
    please help me!

  66. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Ruby,

    As you obviously already know, what your ex does no longer concerns you.

    What you do does not concern him either.

    You’re only feeling what is natural. If he had gone off with a new girl, you would’ve felt better about it.
    Him going off with his ex makes you feel that he was still in love with her all the time he was with you, and that the time you spent with him was wasted on someone who always had their mind on someone they never got over.

    You wil realise soon enough that you cannot blame yourself for his attitude. This only makes you unable to move on. Try the tips in the article and get away from the mind set in which you now sit.

    Your life is YOURS to live, not his to make miserable. If you allow him to make you feel low, he has won.

    It seems that this man was never yours (his heart belonged to someone else). Go out there and find someone who’ll love you like you want to be loved. If you feel you’re worth it, you’ll press forward until you have it. Not half of it – the whole thing!

  67. lily Says:

    hey
    i like this article, and it really does work, I’m doing all those things already and I can feel their effect on me day after day. Anyway, here’s my story.. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years about 2 months ago. We truly loved each other, and he treated me like a queen all along.. we rarely had any trouble, he’s such a great person and never did anything to hurt me. But I think we exhausted the relationship too quickly, we became too much like an old married couple even though we’re still 20!my feelings changed over time, and i had to end it, after many many times of trying to stay with him and improve it and pretend it’s all still good..
    Anywayyyy, people never see the side of the “dumper” as opposed to the dumpee, though i hate these terms coz it’s not as if u’r “dumping” a barrel of trash! so…it still does hurt when i think about him and about what could have been… and it’s taking me a lottt of hard work to get over it and accept that i’m never gonna be in love with him again the same way i used to…
    I know the healthy thing to do is to move on, especially that it was a conscious decision of mine to break up and stop trying… And I am moving on, and i’m feeling peaceful at times with the whole thing… I just wonder what would happen if like 5 years from now we get involved again and things do work out… mmm….
    enough drama! liked the article! and good luck to everybody!

  68. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Thanks for leaving your comment here Lily. You’re right, not many people think that the person who does the breaking-up suffers, but they do.

    You did the right thing by not holding on and becoming more and more miserable as things grew progressively worse. Many young women do this and it’s such a waste.

    Like I said in a previous post, (and as your story has demonstrated this) not all relationships are built to last. Some run their courses naturally and when that has happened, we must take the cue and walk away.

    The thing to remember is that there were reasons why you broke up. It may take you 5 years to forget those reasons, but that does not mean that they have disappeared, or that you would suddenly become compatible with him. An ex is an ex for a reason, a reason that does not go away with time. It’s not a good idea to re-visit and consume your stale vomit.

    Stick to your decision, and keep moving forward.
    Best wishes

  69. summer Says:

    i like this so much..

    all make sense..

    when it comes to loving a man..women ten to rely on feelings rather than brain..while feelings are not always reliable..and we get dpressed from eating up our feelings..

    i’m deeply heartbroken but i have decided to move on gracefully..
    my ex broke up with me with excuse that he’s too young to settle down..that he’s not into marriage and having kids..and that i was the best thing ever happened in his life but i deserved much better man..not a young unstable man like him..

    but less than 2 months post our break up i heard he married a woman whom he has known for only few days..

    can you imagine how i feel?
    he didnt only break my heart..he grabbed my heart out of my chest..put it in a blender and drank it as smothie..

    however i refuse to feel miserable over him so i’m moving on
    i find this advice very soothing and helpful..

    thank you so much..
    people who share their thoughts and help others feel better are so awesome

    love
    Summer

  70. Jen Says:

    Dear Anne,
    I’m back again. In regards to my Aug. 15th post I have some more things I need to work through. I made it a good month and a half of not contacting my ex before I fell through again. I was feeling bad for the way it ended and I contacted him asking him telling him I wish we could have ended on better terms and to see if he’d like to be friends. He wrote back later that afternoon and said he agreed and would like to meet up to talk that night. We met up and he talked about the last 3 years of the relationship. He said I was wrong in my assumption about his family and that at the beginning of our relationship he really wanted us to work out among other things we discussed. He also said he was thinking about stuff last week and wanted to call me. I guess I beat him to it though. He then told me that next week would be his last week here for work. I live in WA and he lives in CA but he is here temporarily on a project for work. I was touched by how he remembered certain things about our relationship and I noticed it was his birthday on mon (yesterday) I got the idea that since it was his bday and last week here I could take him out and do something nice as friends. Well after he dropped me off after our talk I texted him and said to call me if he wanted to hang out next week and got no response. I texted again last weekend and still no response. I called him after work yesterday wished him happy birthday and asked if he wanted to go out but he said he was just going to go to the gym with his friends and mentioned something about how he’d be busy wed as well. He didn’t even thank me for my nice gesture and started acting like a jerk again and said I was wrong for getting upset when he started up again after I thought we patched stuff up. I hung up and he called me later that night and I blew up at him telling him that it seemed he only wanted to be nice to me when I ignored him. Anne, to me it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t believe he was truly sorry b/c he wouldn’t have acted rude on the phone when I offered to take him out. Atleast he could have told me politley that he didn’t think it was a good idea for us to hang out if that’s how he felt. I think he was being a jerk to relay that to me instead coming out and being honest. I really feel like the apology was for himself so that he could get rid of his guilty conscience of what happened in the past and he really didn’t care that he hurt me. I also feel like he did this b/c I stopped paying attention to him and by him acting like a jerk he’ll regain my attention. I am just working on accepting that no matter what I do there will not be a good ending to this and that I need to find a way to really move on without thinking back and constantly try to patch stuff up.

  71. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Hi Jen,

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you sais this : ‘No matter what I do, there will not be a good end to this relationship … I need to find a way to really move on without thinking back and constanly try to patch stuff up.’

    I couldn’t have said this better myself.

    It’s not about an issue of culture, this man simply does not feel the same way about you, as you do for him.

    The moment you accept this, and stop thinking that you can show him that you can be good for him, the faster this fiasco will end.

    One day you’ll find someone who loves you the way you’re prepared to love them, and you’ll look back and think about what a fool you’ve been. Your self-esteem seems to be very low.

    Enroll in a class to learn something new. A new language, a skill, anything! Elevating your knowledge/skill will serve as a spring board to making you build up your confidence and esteem.

    Do this quickly and stop going back to feast on your own vomit.

    Hope you allow yourself to get past this.

  72. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Summer, I was away when you made your comment, and I missed it. Sorry about that.

    Thank you for leaving your comment here, I know that it will serve to help someone else.

    Anne

  73. rebecca Says:

    wow these 10 ways were really helpful! thanx

  74. Jamie Sad and lost Says:

    I am heart broken. I am the one who ended the 6 year relationship. I know I deserve someone who will be my partner in life. I still love him very much, he is my best friend. I trust him completely, but he just hasn’t been willing to be the man I know he can be so I have to move on, but it is sooo damn hard! I talk to him still every day. He knows me so well and I feel comfortable telling him how I feel. He hasn’t done me wrong, I almost wish he were a bad one so I could walk away.

    I want to know, is it possible to get over him and let go while we are still good friends? I can’t imagine not knowing him, but I can’t imagine him with someone else! I can however imagine me with someone else.

  75. jamie Sad and lost Says:

    Also… How long would you say is too soon to start dating?

  76. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    HI Jamie, the fact that you can see yourself with someone else says to me that you’re not in love this man anymore. However, you’re still selfish enough to want to hold onto his emotions.

    You do not want him, you’re not in love him, yet you do not want him to move on. What would be your reaction be if he had started dating again, but did not want you to?

    I’m not saying that you should give up your chance at romance and true love, but you said yourself that this is a good man, therefore, just as you ‘deserve someone who would be your partner in life,’ so does he.

    Remaining in constant contact is not a good recipe for getting on with your life at all. Neither of you will be able to start afresh while you’re still so close.

    Make a break. If the friendship is strong enough, pick it back up when you’ve both gotten over this failed relationship.

    About dating, there is no set time. Sometimes,rebound relationships help the healing, at other times, they don’t. It’s all up to the individuals and the relationships.

    Some people need longer to recover, not because of what happened to end the relationship, necessarily, but because of the time that particular individual requires to heal and move on.

    You know yourself best, you will know when you’re ready.

    In the mean time, let go. I have a feeling you’re keeping him on a short leash, not ONLY because you want his friendship, but because you feel that if you’re not there, he’ll meet someone else. Loving is about seeking the best for those we love. Let him go and find someone new, just like you know you want to do.

  77. Kim Says:

    Dear Anne,
    I have been madly in love with the same man for 6 years. We met freshman year of high school, and now we are 20. He recently just transferred colleges to where his best friends are and he’s kind of starting a new chapter in his life. Over this summer, he started pulling away a little bit and his family, who don’t think we should be so serious, encouraged him to date other people.

    We broke up in August, but for the past 2 months we will had been talking every day and our relationship with each other seemed better than it was than when we were together. We became even closer, but then all of a sudden it stopped. He got stressed with schoolwork and I have a million things on my plate, too. He stopped talkign to me and when I would ask him about it he would just say “we’re not bf/gf anymore so I’m not always going to talk to you” Therefore, I ended it completely. And he agreed with me when I said that we need to date other people to see if we’re right for each other

    It’s not like we havent dated other people. we did in high school, but we’ve been so madly in love for all of college that it seemed irrelevant that we needed to date other people, but now he’s pretty keen on it. He says he doesn’t wanna date other people for awhile, he just needs to think about stuff, and then eventually date others, and then maybe, hopefully we’ll figure out we’re the right ones for each other.

    We have both agreed that we hope we end up together. But if things can be obviously so great between us, then why do we have to go through the agony and jealousy of dating other people? I feel like I would go crazy if I saw him with another person, and he would too.

    Now, we’re not talking because we discovered we’re not going to move on if we keep talking. The sooner we stop talking, the sooner we can date other people and then see if we’re the right ones for each other. But I’m terrified that he won’t realize I’m the right one, even though I know I am. I’m 150% positive. We just work, somehow. We’ve been through so much together, and all I want is him back. I’m the one getting so much attention from other men and he’s not getting any — so why am I the one who only has eyes for him?

    I have a million friends wanting to love and support me, but I still feel so alone. I cry randomly and can’t perform regular tasks like studying, eating, sleeping normally. Everyone says give it time, but I feel like if I don’t talk to him, he’ll forget about me. He hasn’t discussed his emotions at all, I know how he feels about me but he isn’t opening up about how he’s been through all of this at all. I don’t know whether it’s intentional or not. Sometimes I feel like I don’t recognize him the past few weeks. My heart is in pieces and I don’t know what to do.

  78. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Kim,your relationship seems typical of the ones that peak early and waste away towards the end.

    As I’ve said before, not all relationships are built to last. No matter how good they are (like batteries) some will fade out naturally.

    In a relationship where parties were very young when they got together, it’s possible for them to grow out of each other. When people mature, their needs and aspirations change. If you’re no longer the same person you were 6 years ago (I know I am not), then it is understandable that you require different things from the relationships of which you’re a part.

    It is right for you to stop talking to him (at least for now) because this is the only way that you’ll both allow yourselves to move on.

    Take your friends up on their offered support and start going out with them. You’re young, and spending time with your girlfriends is what girls your age do. The boy you once knew has grown up into a man who wants things that your relationship can no longer give him. You’ve provided each other with companionship and love for 6 years. This is positive, not negative. Take it as such. Now you’re both better for it and will go on to make other people a good husband/wife, father/mother

    Though it may take you longer (than him) to realise this, you will soon enough, when the brunt of the pain has evaporated. YOur friends are right. Time heals the pain.

    You will meet a man soon enough who will leave you wondering how you ever thought that you couldn’t love again. This will happen, you’ll only believe me when it does.

    Take yourself out for a pedicure and treat yourself a little. Try the tips in the article. They really do work.

    All the best in moving on. It’s definitely what you need to do.
    Anne

  79. carol Says:

    Hi Ann,
    I ve just been broken up with by my boyfriend of 1.5 years. I thought he was the one and he never denied that I may be the one for him too. He broke up with me because he felt the urge to move on (he wanted to be single a while and I figure have a few meaningless less intense relationships) I realize that he is much more immature in what he wants/needs right now but it hurts so much because he says he loves me very much as a friend, is still incredibly attracted to me and wants to stay close friends. (I told him that I couldn t talk to him for a few months because I know that its healthier for me to get over him and hes is very supportive of that. ) The thing though is that I get really upset and nauseous thinking two things. One is that I wasn t worth it for him to grow up (and for his love for me to not have faded). The second thing is just thinking of him with other girls (though hes said that he doesn t plan on dating seriously for a while… but what if he does and I haven t yet and it hurts all over again!!) I just can t believe that its over, it was all lovey dovey then bam! he was fired, would be having to move away from me and then he brings up that he was having these feelings of moving on for a while…. males are dumb. I think that if this relationship was a few years later that he wouldn t be needing to sow his wild oats or whatever and we d still be together. Please let me know what you think.
    Take care,
    Carol

  80. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Carol,
    (There is a fault in the connection. You’ll see lots of / in the post that I did not put there. sorry)

    When you love someone, your heart yearns so much for them, that no matter what happens, you will fight to spend your last moment on earth with them. Is this true?

    Your ex had some ups and downs, so he decided that as things were changing, he’d better get rid of a few hanging bits in his life, move away, and start afresh. One of those hanging bits happened to be you.

    You said that he never denied that you MAY have been the one for him. Did he actually say ‘MAY?’ Clear your head of ‘feelings’ for a moment and think about this. What was the relationship like? Lovey dovey does not cut it in the real world. Anyone can be lovey dovey. What was his attitude towards you? What are his job prospects? What does he think of settling down? (Obviously not a lot). Is he someone you can see yourself happy with for the next 40 years? Would be make a good role model as a father?

    Is he still the one?

    I am perfectly aware that this is a very harsh reply to you. However, I think that I have to make you see that this is not a loss – in fact – it may even be a gain on your behalf. At least it was only a year and a half. How would you like to have wasted 6 years before you found out that he never REALLY thought that you were good enough for him?

    I think you know that you have to give up on this relationship. I’m not sure what you mean when you say that he’s attracted to you, BUT still just wants to stay close friends. If he’s said this to you, he’s setting himself up to get casual sex from you WITHOUT the usual ties of a relationship. If you’ve said this to yourself, you’re the one setting yourself up for this. Is this what you want? If not, break ties completely like you obviously know you should, and move on.

    As I’ve said many times before, not all relationships are made to last. Most of the relationships we will have in our lives – even with business partners, friendships, workmates, people we date – will be passing ones which fulfill their purpose at a certain time in our lives. We only hold on to a small percentage of the relationships we’ve had. This is precicely what makes them so priceless.

    I think you know that the one you had with your ex, wasn’t.

    I’m really not a rude person. I know it’s hard to believe from reading this post. I’m just trying to provide you with the wake-up call that you need.

    Anne

  81. Paige Says:

    Last night i was making out with one of my brothers best friends. I have liked him for a very long time. We stayed up casually talking until 6 in the morning. Soon to find out that he is dating another girl. He told me i was the rebound girl and he was just using me. What do i do?

  82. KC Says:

    Hi Anne,

    I think it’s great that you’re still replying to this post a year and a half later– many thanks.

    It seems that I’m older (32) and have been broken up for longer (7 months) than in some of these other comments, so I’m curious to know if your advice might be different.

    My problem is that getting over him has come in horrible waves. There was the initial shock of course, then times where we didn’t talk at all but I felt pretty good, then we did talk and it was great to hear from him (he’d say stuff like “You’re a very special part of my life, I don’t think I could ever be happy without you,” etc.), and now we’re not talking at all. I’ve learned that he’s still with the stupid girl he cheated on me with and dumped me for, and thinking of them together makes me feel like a piece of garbage. The holidays have exacerbated all these feelings because my mind races when I think that she could be at his house, celebrating his December birthday and laughing with his wonderful parents who have welcomed ME, not the stupid new replacement, into their home these past 3 Christmases. (And they live in Europe no less! Not an insignificant drive down the street…)

    I feel WORSE than when I did seven months ago, before learning about the cheating. Maybe I also hoped that by now he’d have come to his senses and begged for my forgiveness. ;) Ha. Now I just feel old and worthless and panicked about ever trusting ANYONE again- ever. I’d like to move on but I’m obviously too much of a mess to do that right now. How can I quiet my brain down and stop thinking about him all the time?

    Thanks for listening.

  83. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Paige,

    It’s only common sense. If he was your brother’s friend, I suspect that you would’ve known he was seeing someone. He’s had his fun, that was all that mattered to him.

    This is not a relationship, and never will be. I’m surprised you’re losing time over it. If you let this happen again, shame on you.

    Once could be called a stupid mistake. Pick up yourself, lick your scrapes and bruises, and walk away like a lady.

  84. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear KC,
    When I read your post, one thing was instantly clear. You have very low self-esteem. It puzzles me as to why this is so. You seem otherwise intelligent and independent.

    I wondered if his cheating on you could have caused this, but I think that it’s more deep-seated than that. Your obsession in wondering what he’s doing with his new girlfriend is hurting no one but you. The two of them are happy and in love, and what have you got?

    You’ve let this fester for far too long. The only thing that will help, is for you to work on you. Join a gym, learn a new language, join a book club, take up a new hobby – anything that will build up your confidence in who YOU are. The person you’ve clearly (but sadly) forgotten how to be.

    At 32, you’re not old. My sister is your age (and single). She is starting an exciting new career this year! She’s full of confidence and expectation. She’s just lost a stone, coloured her hair, and change her style. I’ve seen her grow from a sad young woman to a confident star.

    Your thirties should be the best part of your life. You know what you want, and have had enough experience to know what you don’t.

    In short, my answer on how to get over this man, is do nothing. Do nothing about him (or his girlfriend). Spend some effort on yourself.
    Make an appointment tomorrow with your hair dresser and get a style that you’ve never had before. After leaving her salon, search out a foreign languages class to join.

    Work bit by bit on yourself. Build your self-esteem, and your pain will take care of itself.

    What’s the point in hating your ex’s girlfriend? She may be the person who makes him happy now. So you did in the past. The past is gone – forever.

    Who are you? What do you like? What are your hobbies? Who are your friends? What makes you giggle? Find this person again. Afterall, you have to live with HER, 24-7

  85. DC Says:

    I would love to follow these steps. My relationship is a little different though. I have to work with my ex. I have to see him everyday and hear him talk about all the fun things he is doing. While I go sit miserably alone at home. I find myself praying for the weekends to get here so I can have a couple of days of not having to hear or see him. But all I want to do is call him and hang out with him.
    He keeps pulling me along. Telling me things like, well I need to make sure it will last for good before we go further. How will one know if one doesn’t just do it. He says he loves me and he knows he won’t get anyone better than me. He couldn’t ask for more. If he really feels like that then why doesn’t he move me back in and make it work. I”m so confused by his words. It’s like he will say whatever he needs to make sure I still love him but yet he won’t make any kind of commitment to me. We have been together for four years. It has been such an on again, off again, up and down, roller coaster ride. I hate feeling so sad and depressed. I’m still young, pretty, fun, outgoing and I sit at home and cry all the time. I hate it. I cry at work, I cry driving down the road, I cry at random times and sometimes I can’t stop it and sometimes I can tissue it and get it under control until I can get home and then here comes the rainfall.
    I’ve recently signed up to walk in a Marathon hoping that will keep me busy and distracted. But it doesn’t, all it makes me want to do is go to him and tell him look, look at me I can move on and have fun to. But that is a lie. I’m not having fun, I just want to be with him and make everything better.

  86. Cris Says:

    Hi Anne -

    Wow, you must be exhausted from those of us that have no clue of how to ‘get over it’!I have been reading through the earlier posts, trying to find someone who has gone through what I’m going through, to no avail other than the generic issues. I appreciate your work, and the advice I’m sure you’ll share w/ me. So here goes my story:

    Started dating my bf shortly after my divorce was final. I had worked w/ him for a while, so I knew him quite well, but we were both married and kept it professional. So I knew what I was getting into when we started dating… But it turned out that he was so much better than I could ever have thought. Wonderful father to his kids, a wonderful partner, and just the sweetest, most generous person I have ever met. We had a GREAT relationship, had a lot in common, were good to each other. The only issue was his guilt over not spending time w/ his kids. He was consumed with guilt when he spent time w/ me and my kids. He’d be miserable b/c he felt as though he was not being fair to his children (although he sees them more than most men, and does everything for them). He couldn’t ‘love’ me with his whole heart b/c he was afraid to get too close (my words, not necessarily his)b/c I think he knew he’d never be able to get over his guilt & a relationship w/ me just would not work b/c of my situation. We both agreed to go our separate ways after a while, and the split was definately amicable. But now, I’m just feeling horrible. I think he was perfect for me (and he’s said the same about me) and we were a great match. I feel so lonely now b/c he was my life for the past year, my only real friend. I work 60+ hours a week, have kids, working on my Master’s… so I don’t have time for ‘friends’, so I have no one to talk to. So I’m forced to work this alone. I just have a fear now of ever dating again. I don’t want to deal w/ it anymore, I don’t want my kids to get attached again, just to have it end. I don’t even have the desire to even THINK about anyone else – not that I think now is the time to think about it. Anyway, I’m just terribly sad over the loss of this man who I cannot say anything bad about (it’d be so much easier if he were a jerk), i feel so alone b/c I have no friends or family to talk to… I feel I should just consume myself w/ work to not think about it, but is that really healthy? Btw, I am following #1 and trying to work on the others… I guess ultimately my question is: How do I get over the ‘perfect’ man?

  87. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear DC,

    I can see that you’ve got a problem. Your work and your home are the places in which you spend most of your time. Having to make yourself go into your office day in, day out with him there, must be very difficult indeed. I can see why you’re so upset. It’s not a perfect situation.

    I know you must have thought about this and scrapped the idea, but I just have to ask. Isn’t there anyway you could swap shifts or office with someone else? Is a transfer out of the question?

    Like I said, this is probably not possible. After all you shouldn’t have to do that. However, if nothing else works, this may be your only choice. You can’t go on in your present state forever. What is more important to you, your state of mind or your job?

    You seem to be heading in the right direction, signing up for the marathon. Concentrate harder on this.

    Now to get to the problem. I don’t think that this man is having all the fun he’s letting on. I think that he’s making a lot of them up because he’s too immature to accept that the relationship has failed and he’s half to blame. You see, in making you think that he’s having a ball, is (in his mind) letting you know that his life is perfect and all the sadness that you’re feeling is because YOU were the one who was the failure (who caused the failure of the union). Not him. He’s the happy one, after all, ‘look, I’m still having all this fun.’

    Underneath, I’m sure he’s miserable too. No one can walk away after 4 years and not feel SOMETHING. However, this is obviously not a relationship that’s going to work. If after 4 years you can’t get it right, I have a feeling that the fifth year wouldn’t bring any promises.

    It will take time to heal. Four years is a long time to be with someone. Why did you two never marry? It seems as though you were never sure of each other. You lived together, but never made the commitment. I know that it’s not money, because my husband and I didn’t have any money for a wedding, and we got married anyway.

    Get on with your training and look at some of the steps I mentioned in the article. Working with him is always difficult. You HAVE to see him everyday and this is not the recipe for getting over him. I’m sure that if this wasn’t the case, you would be able to work on your pain a lot better.

    Take the week-end to sit down and write down all your options. Consider them carefully, then if you can, request to see your supervisor on Monday, to talk about what has happened and how you’re feeling. He or she may have a solution about the work thing, and would appreciate your honesty about your predicament.

  88. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Chris,

    Maybe for the first time in this column, I’m going to say that it may be a good idea to fight for this relationship. It’s okay for him to feel guilty about not spending time with his kids. The divorce was new and it’s natural for a good man to feel depressed about not seeing his kids as much as he used to.

    You didn’t say much of what ‘your situation’ meant. except for the fact that you were divorced with children. You’re both in the same situation, even though it was hard at first, this was only because it was a new thing.

    If you’re still friends, you probably still spend time with each other. Take it slowly this time, just being friends and work out how you both can spend enough time with your kids and still have a few minutes for each other.

    At the week-ends you can plan to take your kids out to the same places, so while they’re having fun, you could be with them and each other at the same time.

    I really don’t see why you say you’ve ‘lost’ this man. You said you had no time for friends, but isn’t he your friend? If you’re so perfect for each other, it would be a waste to throw this away, especially the friendship part of it.

    I suggest – unless this has gone too far to repair – a serious talk with him to suggest ways in which you might be able to keep in touch. You’re both mature and have your own separate responsibilities, but there is no good reason (based on what you’ve told me) to let this just go. While you’re taken up with other things, ’staying in touch’ might be all you can offer, but it’s still something.

    You shouldn’t have to pine for something you can have, if all it needs is a few tweaks here and there. Are you taking on so much (60 hour a week, masters etc) because you’re hiding from something else. Shouldn’t you slow down a bit. It seems to me that you have no life at all. Not having time for friends is a pretty serious thing. Your last (married) relationship was obviously not a good one, were you taking on all these things to get away from it? Do you still have to keep all these props?

    Let me know if there’s something here I’m missing.

  89. Cris Says:

    Thank you, Anne. I want to fight for this, but I’m not sure if anything different will come from it until he deals with his guilt and fears. We both know that you can’t make someone confront their issues, they do it in their own time and on their own terms. I guess maybe it does warrant a serious talk, as we both just decided it was just too hard and didn’t really talk it out. And he works as much, if not more than I, so there’s definately a trendous amount of stress… And yes, we BOTH work a lot mostly b/c of our positions within our respective companies (I changed jobs a few months back), but I do think part of it is to keep from thinking about other things. I wouldn’t and don’t want to lose his friendship, but if we’re calling it quits, I need to distance myself from him to get over it… then maybe we could be friends. I guess we’re both in the same boat with guilt and fear steering it, but neither of us know how to get out and move on. I’ve talked to him about counseling (for himself, not for the relationship) but I think he feels more safe keeping all the walls up and clinging to the guilt to keep everyone else out. Anyway,thank you for your insight – it definately helps to have an unbiased 3rd party to bring a different outlook to the situation.

  90. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi Chris,

    Thanks for replying. No one ever gives me any feedback (except for one other person) so it’s nice when it happens.

    You’re right about distancing yourself from him first, if breaking up is what you really have to do. You wouldn’t be able to get over the relationship without this much needed space.

    I’m still sorry that this is ending. It seems like such a waste. You both know that one cannot sustain a marriage (or a workable relationship) while working all those hours. It’s been tried, tested and failed – so no surprises there.

    I once wrote about being able to separate greif from guilt. Many people feel that they have to hold on to the guilt if they’re grieving (as you both are for your marriages). Letting go of guilt does not mean that you’re letting go of good memories. They will always be with you.

    I really do hope that you can sort this out, as it’s not a relationship that should go to waste if it was so good.

    Many times, (not all the time) people feel that it’s wrong to stay with the person you were with at the time of your divorce. It’s a mind thing. My father’s first wife’s condition to signing the divorce papers, was that he did not stay with my mother. This was not because she broke up their marriage, because they met years after the break-up, but because my mother gave him a child, something she could not do.

    I hope that this is all resolved peacefully. Try the tips in the article above, if breaking up is your only option. They do work. In your case, concentrate on your kids. The LAST THING you want to do, is do more than you’re doing right now. You are in danger of giving your kids the impression you’re too busy to love them. Our kids grow up so soon. Before you know it, they won’t need you anymore. You want to be there for them when they do. In adulthood, we remember the things our parents DIDN’T do with us. I know.

  91. DC Says:

    Thanks Anne. Our relationship is so difficult. I started seeing him six months after I started at the job where I\’m at. He was married and \”not happy\”. He wowed me with all his talk about never meeting anyone like me before, I was everything that he\’s ever dreamed of. I was coming out of a failed marriage so those little words made me feel better. I also built this sadness for him, I felt sorry for him somehow. Anyhow, he has two boys and I have a little girl. They are all close in age, the kids are very attached to each other, after all they have practically grown up together. It\’s like he\’s scared of being with someone, I think alot of it is because he was married for 13 years and he said I changed all of that. He said what happens if I get with you and some girl comes along and it happens again. He says he\’s just confused and scared. He\’s living his life and doesn\’t want to have to answer to anyone, but on the other hand he doesn\’t want to lose me. He doesn\’t want to see me go away. My job situation is so hard b/c I make good money there and I just can\’t leave yet. He and I had talked about me moving back in and me going to school full time, that way I could finish school and we wouldn\’t have to work together anymore. We both agreed this may help our situation. It\’s extrememly hard when everyone knows your business not all of it but most of it, which means you have to go through all your pain in front of an auidence. Well thanks for the pep talk I will try to get this resolved and put behind me. I\’m just really having an emotional tug-of-war and I needed some advice!

  92. Mellissa Says:

    My boyfriend and I split over a year ago and for the most part I’m okay. However every now and again I get longing feelings to call him or see him because I still miss him alot. How do you shake the lingering feelings once you’re over the initial heart ache over the relationship ending?

  93. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    DC, I wish you all the best with this. You sound like a strong person, which is a good thing, because it would take a strong person to get over this.

    Keep working at it, after deciding exactly what it is you want for yourself and little girl.

    Best wishes,
    Anne

  94. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Mellissa, you’ll probably never be able to shake the feeling of missing your ex if you don’t move on with your life. You will find love again, but you’ve got to be prepared to let go of the feelings of loss.

    It’s been a year, and I know you said you’re okay now, so be sure to stay that way and don’t call. It’s all natural to still feel a desire to get a peek at what you’re missing, but allow life to take hold of you and push you forward.

    Many relationships end at some point. Hang in there to find the one that’s perfect for you.

  95. Alex Says:

    I have suspisions that my girlfriend is still in contact with her ex. I know that he was her first everything and that she loved him alot and the only reason they broke up was cause he cheated on her which crushed her completely. We have been together now for a year and a half and she will randomly bring his name up in conversation or hide texts she receives on her phone. I love her and want to trust her and make this work. Am I being paranoid or is there something going on behind my back right in front of me?
    HELP!

  96. Mellissa Says:

    Thanks for the advice! I never would allow myself to call him again, however is there anything I can do to make myself stop thinking of him as often as I do? I have burnt pictures, gotten rid of notes and cards from him, I even gave the stuffed animals to my little cousins! But somehow there is still always something that makes his name pop up in my head. I don’t want him anymore, and I could definately do without these nagging little thoughts. Is there anything I can do? Or do I just have to keep on waitin it out?

  97. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi Alex, there is only one thing to do. Sit her down and talk about it. Let her know that she’s got a man in front of her who really cares about her, here. now.
    Tell her about your concerns and the way her attitude makes you feel. Ask her to put him in the past. Ask her to give her full attention to the man who loves her now.

  98. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Mellissa, here’s a little trick. Just try this until you don’t need it anymore. You shouldn’t have to do this forever.

    Whenever you think of his name, think of something that caused you a lot of pain in the past. It doesn’t necessarily have to be connected to him. It could be anything that hurt you so badly, that you still wince at the thought of it.
    Make sure you think of this as soon as you think of him. Say his name in your mind and think of this event a few times until the missing passes.

    When it rears its head again, do this again several times. Soon, his name will not signal something pleasant to your brain and it will give up thinking about it.

    Like I said, you don’t want to do this forever, because we should cherish the good memories in our lives, not seek to destroy them. Later when you’re all cured, you could look back on the good times you had together and see them as such. Good times make us happy. When the person leaves, they leave the memories of the good times with us. After some time, you will be able to separate the good times from the person you had them with.

    Please let me know how you get on. In the mean time, spend some time making someone else happy. Here are some suggestions to start you off.

    http://www.socyberty.com/Lifestyle-Choices/10-Fresh-Ways-to-Make-Someone-Else-Happy.443079

  99. Mellissa Says:

    Thank you so much for all of your help! I will definately try thinking of bad things when he enters my mind to try to link him with bad until like you said I stop think of him all together. Hopefully this works! I wanna move on not be stuck in the past because the past should stay exactly there in the past. Thanks again for the advice! and I will definately let you know if it’s working!

  100. Mellissa Says:

    I don’t know what to do. Yesterday you told me to think bad thoughts about my ex to associate him with painful things until I stopped thinking about him, and I started trying to do that. Until the phone call. Last night my cell rang and it was a number I didn’t know. I answered it and lucky me it was him. He said that he has been thinking about me alot and wants to get a coffee or something and talk. I am completely torn by this request. My heart screams YES! HE finally called and misses you too, but my head says don’t do it, you took forever to get over him don’t be an idiot. What should I do?

  101. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Mellissa, I appreciate how difficult this is for you, but don’t do it. Tell him thanks for thinking about you, but turn him down and be honest about why you’re doing it.

    Imagine all that pain you went through, all that hard work you put into getting over him, only to have to do it again.

    Don’t let him talk you into seeing him again. Why the sudden call though? What’s gone wrong in his life? Has he suddenly broken up with someone? That’s not really important though, you’ve got to protect your heart, even though it’s so hard to do. You’re strong, you can do it!

  102. Mellissa Says:

    That is exactly what I thought. As much as the part of me who loved him so much wants to see him again I don’t think I can live with putting myself through all that again. (I hardly made it through the first time) The main thing with this that gets me is the whole “what if” questions I’ll always have if I don’t go. I know he hasn’t been dating since we split but this came out of nowhere which makes me suspicious. I don’t wanna have to get overhim again but I don’t want to live with what if’s either. Men suck!

  103. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Mellissa, all the girls in your situation would be thinking the same thing you are at the moment. Your thoughts are perfectly natural, so I understand your confusion.

    Why do you have to live with, ‘what if?’ Ask him now, call him and ask him why he wants to meet. You’ve got a right to let him know you spent all this time getting over him, and don’t want to meet for coffee and getting back into the zone of will, you won’t you.

    Don’t allow him to play games with you, Mellissa. Those days are over. My advice is still not to go, but if you feel you have to, there shouldn’t be any what ifs? He should be straight with you. If he cannot be, and says something like, ‘Oh, I just want to get together, been missing you, you know. Just wanna see where this will lead, and have a drink for old times.’
    Run away as fast as you can. This will put you back right where you were before.

    If he says the opposite to the above, then you’re right and I’m wrong. I know you will judge this right.

  104. Mellissa Says:

    Once again thank you so much for your advice and support. I still don’t know if I am going to go, the whole situation makes me tense and nervous which to me says I’m over it enough to put him behind me but not over it enough to see him again. Reading what you wrote, you said alot of the things I was already thinking with the whole “Just a drink to catch up for old times sake” kinda thing and I definately am not ready to be just friends with him, if I ever will be. I think I’m gonna have to go with my head on this one and just forget about it. (Which is harder than I can tell you!!) but it’s been a little over a year and I think I worked too hard to get to the point I am in the slow and painful process of getting over him to just let him drag me back down into the heartache. Thanks again for helping me clear this all up, I think I know what I have to do! Your advice really helped with my decision. Thanks again!

  105. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    You’re welcome, Mellissa. I’m glad I could do something to help. You’re doing the hard work.

  106. Mariam Says:

    Hi Anne,

    What do you do if you can’t make your heart follow your head?
    This is a really long note. But I feel so tormented.

    I am 38. When I was 21, my senior year of college I met Ged. We had instant chemistry. We were too young and religious to pursue anything physically. But were best friends… I could stay up literally all night talking to him. Not too long after we met, I made a decision that he wasn’t the guy for me to marry. (I was religious and didn’t really date or believe in dating). I rejected him for purely physical reasons. He was short, dark, funny looking, had a unibrow, skinny, and didn’t dress very well. He didn’t fit the image of what I was looking for. (Tall, fair, handsome, etc)

    After college, I moved in with my parents who tried to introduce me to men in the community. I didn’t click with anyone. After 3 years, I realized that I wanted to find that same connection I had with Ged. So I called him up, admitted my mistake in letting him go, and asked if we could try again. He was flattered and asked for specifics about what I liked him. I poured out my heart. then he tells me he has a girlfriend and that he was happy.

    I found out that his girlfriend was 5 years older than him and not of the same religion. I was 25 now and figured this was his first girlfriend and he’d eventually break up so stayed in touch as friends. We emailed a lot. Long letters. I sent him care packages that he accepted. He just didn’t seem like a guy who could have been that happy. After all, how could he spend so much time emailing me (3 page emails few times a week). He was running his own company and would relay the stresses to me or just talk about fun stuff. After a year, I had to ask him again. Maybe now he was was interested. After all why would he stay in touch with me? Usually guys who are not interested are somewhat distant and don’t try to encourage anything.

    Another year later he broke up with his gf and of course called me. We lived in different states. So I saw him in person when I was on a business trip. It was magical. Just lots of talking about everything. He tried to kiss me but I pulled back. I’d never kissed a guy before (yes at 26!). But something didn’t feel right. He pulled back suddenly.

    A few days later he invited me to spend a weekend with him in Florida. I said no. He nudged me and I said yes. So I happily made plans. He called me a few hours before I was about to leave to tell me that he didn’t think it was a good idea anymore. I had already lied to my parents about who I was going with so said I was still coming. When I got to Florida he was civil but cold. So I rented a car and drove off by myself completely heartbroken.

    A few months later he sent me a short email to apologize. I gave him a piece of my mind and got no response. Eventually, we settled back into being friends. He also got back with his old gf. I still thought we were meant to be together. I moved to his city but other than a couple of dinners, he didn’t really pay attention to me.

    I eventually got married to someone else. Over the years, he’d email me once in a while to ask how things were. I could feel the old feelings there but they would fade after the short exchanges.

    By the oddest of coincidences, my company ended up doing business with his and I saw him in a conference room one day while walking to the bathroom. I hadn’t seen him in 6 years. I was freaked out and actually left to go home early. He recalled that I worked there and left me a voicemail. So I saw him the next day and we had a pleasant chat at my company’s cafeteria. I left feeling pretty good. I was happily married and I felt OK seeing him. Also I had just found out that I was pregnant. I had moved past him.

    My marriage had been pretty rough for 5 years. Not too long after the meeting with Ged, I miscarried. I was devastated and my husband totally unsympathetic. I had been wanting kids for years and he finally agreed. Now this. We also did not have a good sex life ( 5 times in 5 years… I am not kidding). I was really distraught. Ged had given me a book he had just written when we last met. I decided not to read it at the time because I was afraid of old feelings coming back. But now with the treatment by my husband, I decided to read it… all in one sitting. Of course the memories came flooding back. The book was actually a personal account about Ged’s spiritual experiences in the business world and was almost autobiographical covering the years after we graduated and were out of touch.

    Too make this long story short, Ged sent me an email asking me how I was and the whole thing unraveled. He still had feelings for me too. But he was with his gf. I was married. We had an affair. He told me he needed 6 months to break it off with his gf. I filed for divorce.

    Well, 6 months went by and nothing changed on his end so I ended it. I just couldn’t handle the uncertainty. I couldn’t handle going from the highest highs of being with him and talking to him to the lowest lows of not knowing if he would leave her.

    When I broke it off, I didn’t yell or scream. I emotionally told him to go back to her and make it work. I asked that he not contact me anymore. Well a month later he did message me. I thought he must want me but it was merely to start chatting again. He just wanted to be friends and nothing more. So I said that wasn’t good enough for me. No contact then I hear from him again that he’s coming to visit my company. He gets me to see him again. We have dinner and see a movie. But that’s it. Eventually I get angry with him telling his it’s wrong to hang out with the woman you cheated on your gf with. So silence again for months. Then he messages me again. Everytime I am overjoyed to hear from him but then realize the gf is still in the picture.

    I finally got smart and stopped responding. Every year or so, I get a “what’s new email”

    I know it sounds crazy, but I love this man. I just feel deeply in my heart that he is a good person. He was brought up in the same religion and values as I have. He’s with a woman who has never met his parents nor wants to, is somewhat unkempt according to mutual friends, and he’s cheated on her (once with me and once with someone else that he told me about). Plus they’ve been together for 14 years and never married and she doesn’t want kids and is 44 now. He’s fine not marrying her.

    I know he sounds terrible. I read this and I know how it sounds. He sounds like such a loser. I know that. But I KNOW at his core this isn’t him. He does have a heart. I know it. Also put aside the crappy way he treated me, he does wonderful charitable things for people and is such an inspiration to many people. It’s just that he’s been this way to his gf and I. The guy I knew in college is in there somewhere.

    If you could have seen how we talked and talked. He would listen. He always listened to me in a way that no one ever has. We actually didn’t have alot of physical encounters.. maybe 2 ever. The chemistry was there but most of my time with him had been talking. He has this bad side, but he has a warm site too. So here is what I am stuck on …

    1) Why does he still contact me?
    2) How can he be truly happy if he cheated?

    3)If he were really happy, then why not get married and have his gf meet his parents.

    4) Why am I 4 years later after the affair still thinking abt him? I think abt him when i first wake up, before i go to sleep, and all day. Something will happen in the day.. something small and I just want to tell him so badly. Because he was the only person who ever really listened to what i had to say and was interested and didn’t just nod or say OK. He engaged with me.

    5) At the very least, why can’t he just say sorry and ask if I want to be friends and just have the heart to heart with me …not pretend that nothing happened.

    6) I am an ivy-league educated woman who also has an MBA. So I know I am not a stupid person. But I have been acting stupid abt this guy for 14 years!

    7) How do I get over just missing him so much even as a friend. I’ve never been forced to cut someone out of my life. This is what is hardest. I just plain miss him. Maybe we could be friends. But he needs to say sorry or just acknowledge my pain.

    I have tried therapy but you get to the point where there just isn’t anything left to talk about.

    Any advice would be so appreciated.

    Mariam

  107. delilah Says:

    Hey Anne, I really really need your help so i hope you’re still checking this thing!

    Me and my ex dated for 3 months when we were 15, he broke it off because he wasn’t ready. i got a new boyf, life moved on, 2 years later he asks me back. Turns out we’ve both been thinking about eachother for the past 2 years, i always knew we were destined to get back together. We click so perfectly. I dumped my boyf of a year for him.

    we dated while we were 17 through to 18 for this past year. He dumped me 2 weeks ago because he realised he still isn’t ready for a relationship as intense as ours (yet he has said that he thinks we are both such intense people we are only going to be happy in an intense relationship – true). He says he still loves me, and he doesn’t want any other girls. and when he wants a relatoinship again ill be the one he asks (although he doesn’t expect me to wait for him).

    I understand he is an 18 year old guy, and i trust he doesnt want any other girls. the same thing happend at 15 and this year i found out he didn’t date anyone for those 2 years, and turned down girls who asked him out because he can’t be with anyone other then me, because it’s unfair on them.

    I love him so so much. He says he isnt IN love with me atm, but still loves me a lot and missses me but knows our relationship just wont work right now. he doesn’t know how long it will be until it will.

    I don’t know if i should cut of contact with him or not? I know everyone thinks i should, but i know me, and i know i will take him back if he asks. He is so perfect for me in every way, everything about us just clicks. SO it seems pointless to cut my best friend (him) out of my life until he wants to date me, when we both want to be friends.
    The friends thing works fine when we’ve hung out a few times. But I’m still crying myself to sleep everynight.

    I just need some words of wisdom. I’ve been going out with my friends (and i usualy have a good time – sometimes i just miss him too much though), i’ve been doing things i like, i’ve been distracting myself, but i’ve lost 3 kilos already, massivley lost my appitie, and just feel so sad all the time. i just want to get over him! but at the same time i can’t let my bestfriend go! i don’t want to feel romatically for him, but i want him in my life. :(

  108. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Mariam,
    Wow! That’s quite a story. When you were twenty-one, I think you made the right decision. Ged wasn’t the kind of person you wanted to spend your life with. At that time you felt you had choices and that you could do better. Face it, if he was so close to you, and fit the bill in everything else, his physical appearance wouldn’t have meant so much to you as to make you want to leave him. If a person is perfect for you, you don’t just leave them because they don’t look right. I’m saying this because of something else I will say later on. I think that you made yourself believe that this was your reason, AFTER, and not at the time of making the decision. There was something else you saw, something else that told you that there was lots lacking in this man, stuff you couldn’t live without.

    After moving back with parents who encouraged you to feel that you’ll be complete if you found someone to marry, it was only natural, after three years of looking for someone, that your thoughts would return to a time and a person who provided this ‘completeness’ in a sort of way. (I’m not blaming your parents for the way you felt.)

    So, you called him.

    Ged may be a good person, but at the time of his revelation (about his girlfriend) he proved that he was obviously not the faithful Christian you were. Yet, you didn’t let him go. Why not? He was obviously not going to make you happy if he did not share the fundamental beliefs which shaped who you were. Beliefs he himself, should’ve been keeping sacred. As an aside, I do understand a Christian’s abstinence from sex, but I don’t believe that kissing falls into the same category.

    Anyway, we move on. He then carries on (first of all) an emotional affair with you, while being with his girlfriend. Another thing that proves that he’s exactly the man you thought he was when you were twenty-one – not strong enough for you to feel safe in his ‘arms.’ Yet you do not let go. I wonder what’s going on in your life during this time. Are you still ‘looking’ for that person in your life? It is very hard for a Christian woman to find love in a world where men will do an about turn if you say that they cannot have sex. I’m wondering if you’re thinking that he’s the only man who will understand that part of you, and if you’re dating and getting on with your life. I suspect you’re doing the former.

    By a totally unrelated fate, you married a man who didn’t care much for your feelings, or for sex, something which you probably never completely enjoyed anyway. Sex had been the thing you mustn’t have for so long, that eventually it wasn’t as important to you as it was to other people you knew. Then you got married, and sex was something you had to ban yourself from expecting because the man you married, wasn’t too keen on it. Now sex had graduated from something you didn’t have, to something you could have, but not expect. Then you began to think that it was overrated anyway. After the thing with Ged, sex became something you shouldn’t allow yourself to enjoy too much, because the only person who really wanted to do it with you, shouldn’t do it with you.

    Then the time comes when your spiritual life is all messed up, divorces are not what faithful Christians do. You just want to go back to where it was all innocent and free, before all the stuff began to unravel. Meanwhile, Ged is still showing you that he cannot be faithful to a woman, by having a full-on relationship with you. He, the only person who understands how important your faith is to you, allows and encourages you to do this with him. And still, still he wouldn’t leave his girlfriend. If he loved you, Mariam, he would’ve not let the affair start. He would’ve considered the person he knew you are, and would’ve known how difficult it was for you to do what you were doing. He would’ve known that you were only doing it because you loved him. If he loved you back in the same way, he would’ve left her (he didn’t have to go through a divorce like you did) and married you – before the affair.
    That’s what the strong, faithful, spiritual man you think he is, would’ve done.

    The guy you know in college is somewhere, but that somewhere is only inside your heart. I have no doubt that you love him, but I also think that you love the time in which he was, the time when everything was less complicated and innocent. The time you wish you could go back to before life happened. Don’t feel like you have no choice now because you’re divorced, childless and older. He is not your only hope for happiness. He is certain to bring you lots of unhappiness even if you ever got together. Why? Because you’ve idolised him for so long, thinking that everything will be back to where they were, if you had him. If you ever have him, you’ll see how much he falls short of all your expectations. This will bring you nothing but total devastation, because it will affect how you view all the other hopeful things in life.

    It’s very unfortunate that life happened the way it did to you, Mariam, but Ged was the one who made it worse, not better. He’s not the cause of the problems, just the common denominator that exacerbated them. I think that he sounds like a happy guy. Why wouldn’t he be happy? He’s got a girlfriend that demands nothing from him, and doesn’t even want to meet his mum. Then he’s got you, a phone call away, plus maybe a few others who fulfil different needs.

    He can’t keep calling you if you change your phone number and do not tell him what it is. He cannot e-mail you if you block messages from his domain. You are enabling him to do what he’s doing. You’ve done so all your life. The perfection of the time you spent in college only exists in your memories. That time has been frozen, while real life and real people have changed beyond your recognition.

    Ged may have listened to you better than your husband did, and this is so unfortunate, but you haven’t known lots of men in that way, so you cannot compare one against one. There are lots of better men. Stop putting your life on hold. He will never ask you to marry him. He’s chickened out at every other opportunity.

    You are going to have to be very harsh with yourself and cut him out completely, even as a friend. His friendship is not good for you and your mind. It causes you too much pain. I know you said he listens, (but you could get a girlfriend or a male gay friend who would do this to) but the relationship sounds parasitic on his part.

    Ask yourself, other than in college when you knew you didn’t want him, has this man made you completely happy since?

    If he cannot make you happy as a friend or otherwise, why is he still in your life?

    Best,Anne

  109. Mariam Says:

    Anne,

    Thank you. I don’t have words to express my gratitude. You are an angel who touched my life. You really are.

    Your note made me cry…a good cry, the right kind of cry from seeing reality. It’s been so hard all these years. Incredibly hard to have such love in my heart for a person who doesn’t want it. For years I thought if he could just see me. If he could get to know me. I’m not the young, naive girl I was when he met me. I have interests, passions, and successes in my life. I’ve grown and matured. If he could only see the real me. But no matter what I did or said, I failed to impress him enough to think i was the one.

    One of the critical things that struck me in your message was that if he loved me, he wouldn’t have had that affair with me. I was a woman with high morals, I don’t drink, my husband was my first relationship .. he knew that. You’re right in that if he loved me, then would never have led me on in that way. I would never have gotten near him if I didn’t love him. I would never treat someone the way he did me. When I’ve rejected men I’ve always been kind but cautious to not lead them on.

    I think that I hang on Ged for hope. Hope is better than nothing at all. It’s hard to be face the reality of being alone. So I live with the fantasy that as long as he doesn’t get married and he still contacts me, then there’s still a chance we can grow old together. After all he’s the one staying in touch with me.

    I know this is a bad emotion, but I also am very jealous and angry. He didn’t treat me well. Yet he finds the love of his life at 25 and gets to be happy. Meanwhile, I date and date…. guys who either end up thinking I am too old or who are completely unstable. These are my choices. It doesn’t seem fair. I did everything as I was supposed to and yet I’m alone and he’s happy.

    I do understand what you’re saying. If you have any advice on how to deal with the jealousy and hanging on to a hope, I think I will be OK.

    Thank you for your kindness and for caring.

    Mariam

  110. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Delilah,
    How many times does this man have to shun you for you to believe that he does not really want you?
    You know how desperate love feels, right? The tightness in your heart, the iron bands on your stomach, the quickening of your pulse, the thought that you would die if you didn’t have this person there with you. Always . . . You’ve felt that, right?

    Well, if he loves you as he says he does, why does he want to stop being close to you? I’m sure you can figure this out. Him not loving you the way you want him to, is not a reflection on who you are. It’s just the way it is. I’m sure you didn’t love all the people who’ve loved you. It’s fine, it’s just the way of the world. You lose some, you win some. It is foolish to think that someone should love you just because you love them.

    I’m a very level headed person, but this situation has made me so angry. So he thinks that it is okay to have someone on the tip of a long string. Anytime you want their company, it’s fine to just pull the your end and they should come running. When you’ve had enough of them, it’s still fine to just tell them to walk off towards their end and disappear until they’re needed again.

    Can’t you see this is what he’s doing to you? How can you think that this is okay? Where is your self-confidence? Why are you leaving this decision of a possible relationship up to him? Aren’t you worth making that decision yourself? If this were me, he’d never see me again. He’d be pulling that string until this hand falls off, but I would’ve been long gone.

    He’s walking all over you and you’re letting him do it! You’re young, and if you don’t remember anything else I say, remember this. If this is how you start off your romantic life, you’re in big trouble for future relationships.

    You will let the man you marry walk all over you, your male bosses will trod on you, and all the men in your life will realise that you don’t value your decision as a woman. If you do not, why do they have to?

    I’m sure you can find other friends. You don’t need one who thinks that the world and the people in it, are his play things. If you want to get over him, use the tips in the article above. They really, truly work.

    Anne

  111. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Mariam,

    I’m sorry that my note made you cry, but I’m glad that I was able to offer some kind of perspective.

    I do not know why you seem to draw parallels between your contentment with life to Ged’s. This shouldn’t be so. It’s like saying that because you had a relationship with him fourteen years ago, your life should be the same as his. What about all the OTHER people you knew then, you don’t expect that your life should run parallel and equal to theirs, so why his?

    Life does different things to each of us. My best friend in school had the most fantastic childhood, while mine was filled with pain. Our lives crossed, but nothing about them were, or turned out to be the same.

    It’s inherent in women to seek to impress their exes, to show them that we’re doing well without them. However, it would be wrong for us to build our lives and passion around them. This is the same as living in the past. You will never be able to see all the ‘right’ guys passing your way if you’re so obsessive about one man. The one you shouldn’t have, and maybe the one who never REALLY wanted you in the first place.

    As an intelligent, educated, successful woman, you’ve handed over your right of self to Ged. You’ve made his acceptance the acid test to everything you are, and have achieved. You’re being unfair to yourself. Who is he, and what has he ever done for you, to merit this lofty position in your life? All he seems to have done is make you unhappy with who you were; gave you reason to step out of your strict morals, and down into his muck pile; and hurt your heart so badly that you’ve begun to doubt your own attractiveness to other suitable men.

    You wouldn’t marry a man who is obsessed with another woman, who drops everything when this person calls him out of the blue. You will avoid such a person. Maybe the reason relationships aren’t working out for you, is because the men can see that Ged will always have the high ranking position in your heart.

    Isn’t it time to cut him out of your life? You said that he is the one who keeps in touch. However, YOU ARE the one who waits for his calls. You are the one who runs to him when he needs you (someone) and you are the one who gives him your contact details every time you move. It’s easy to change your number and cut him off, but you’re not doing this. Why not? Why are you afraid to cut him loose?

    There is no advice to give to you Mariam. You are the one who’s got to flip that switch in your mind about this. When you’re ready to do so, you will free yourself and be able to see clearly. At the moment, you are not. He may be unmarried, but don’t you think he wants to be that way. If he’s never married, why do you think that you can make him want to take that step with someone (you) he’s put aside before?

    You are so intelligent, this is why I know that if you’re not seeing this, it’s because you’re not allowing yourself to. There is nothing to it. There is nothing I can say. This is all up to you. Once you’ve decided to cut those strings, you’ll burn all his letters, give his book to the charity shop (or add it to the pyre). You will also, put a block on e-mail messages coming from him, have a good cry, and bury this.

    If you’re not ready to do this, nothing I say, will help you to see sense. Nothing at all. A long time ago, just before I married my husband, I got together all my letters from a very intense and painful relationship I’d had. I had a funeral in my back garden, then I burned all the stuff. The next day, because I had nothing to go back to, (even if I wanted to) was the day I started to heal.

    You have a choice. Celebrate your sixtieth birthday with one candle on your cake, wondering why Ged didn’t call you that year, or put him behind you and walk away to live your life. YOUR life. I have a feeling that you have never done this.

    What is it going to be?

    Best wishes, Anne

  112. Mariam Says:

    Anne, Thank you for telling it as it is. I get it now. I needed someone to just tell it to me straight and not sugar coat reality. I agree with everything you said. If I want to live I have to just do this and I will. Your messages have had a profound effect on me. After a few days to reflect over this, I think I know why I have been doing this. I feel regret and anger at myself for wasting time and wasting my life. I just could not take the bull by the horns and create my own destiny. I have been waiting for someone else to do that for me.

    When I was in college, I was miserable. I did a BS and MS from MIT in electrical engineering thinking good degrees at a prestigious school would be my ticket to happiness. But I did not like what I was doing and I was too stubborn and had too much pride to say I made the wrong choice and I am going to try something else. Then there was the pressure to get married by 22. Every day i felt this enormous weight of not being married (yes even at 22 … I was supposed to like the first guy my parents found for me and did not. Eventually I caved in at 28 and felt this enormous monkey off my back). Then I spent years and years at jobs that I did not like because I could not leave the stability of a good paycheck and steady job. I would try to force myself to like the jobs but I was miserable but just kept trying to go through life brute-force. I wanted to learn music but I would get overwhelmed by job stress and getting married stress…. I could go on and on. I would not take time to find and explore other passions.

    My life for the last 20 years has been about not taking control of my life and not knowing how to do that. I am
    ashamed at the time I have wasted. So I held on to Ged as a way to erase those years. He was a tie to the beginning of my distress. All those years ago I wanted him so I could live his life and share in his success because he was following his dreams and making his life happen in a way that I could only dream of for myself. More recently, I wanted him again for those reasons but also to bridge the gap between then and now and somehow make all the years in between worthwhile because in the end I got him. Hard to explain but in a way I saw having us be together as a way to erase the pain of the past.

    I am ashamed of myself. I have to somehow get a grip. Now with the biologically clock ticking, a whole other set of stress present itself. Good men think I am too old. Somehow if I have to put my age and past mistakes aside. I have to learn to find passion and live and not worry about what will be. Deal with the loneliness in my romantic life and enjoy the company of the many friends I have been fortunate to find especially in the last few years. I wonder if I should shake it up and make some relatively speaking risky choices like taking a year off work or traveling or finding a less stressful job and getting time to find my passions.

    I was never like everyone else and I think that is why I did not like the guys my parents found. Many other girls would have followed their parents wishes. But I knew deep inside that it was not me so resisted. Many people would be very satisfied with the jobs I have but I knew it was not for me. I knew I was capable of being more than a contributor to someone else\’s dreams. I wanted more than what I was supposed to want. I wanted more than the same life that most of the other girls around me were living. I know this yet I have not been able to figure out what I want. Or I do but I am not patient enough or have enough faith to wait for it.

    At any rate, I am moving on from Ged. It is done finally. I will not spend any more energy on him. Thank you for shaking me up a bit and telling me what I needed to hear. Thank you for being a kind soul who reached out to me. If I can ever doing anything to repay the favor, please let me know. I have struggled with this for so long, so many years. But I can see clearly now thanks to you.

    Mariam
    Mariam

  113. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Miriam,

    It’s so great to see that you’ve come to a decision about this. You’re right. You’ve definitely got to take your life into your own hands.

    Travelling is excellent! There is so much you could do: plan to take a short music course at the Sorbonne in Paris. Spend time in the West End, London. I’ve got such fond memories of musicals seen there. You will meet men and women your age, who don’t think that life and happiness is hopeless just because they’ve hit thirty.

    I know a lot of people in Paris and even in Catholic Ireland (men and women) who’re still happily dating in their late thirties.

    I know that people generally get married earlier in Anerica, but it’s not the same here,travelling will show you that. It will make you more comfortable in, and with yourself.

    The thing that you MUST not do, Mariam, is tell Ged you’re leaving. This is YOUR acid test to yourself. You will want to badly. You will want him to know that you’re moving on, but seeking to do so, paradoxically will prove, that you’re still not willing to move on.

    Indifference is what you’re aiming for, where he’s concerned. Not hate – that takes too much out of a person, and shows that you still care. The moment you’ve done something that you enjoyed and only remember AFTERWARDS, that you did not want to tell him about that experience, is the turning point for you.

    You want more, so expect more and acheive more. Spend the money you’ve worked so hard for, on yourself. Take the time off and go. Maybe once you’ve gone, you’ll realise that you do not want to return, but you’ve got to give yourself that break. If you want to learn music, then do so. Become a student when you return from your travels and make a difference to you.

    Take the risk and leave the rest up to God! It’s about time you made a break for it. Repay me the favour by leaving me a message from Kerry, saying that you’re enjoying the cold, Irish rain and watching the sheep with their painted wool, roaming the hills of the Irish mountainside.

    Best wishes,
    Anne

  114. Nicole Says:

    Help, Anne!

    I met a guy, Alex, in college. Before we met, I didn’t believe in love at first site. But as soon as I saw him, I knew he was something special. No, it wasn’t a physical attraction, as he is not my ideal type, but it was something ~else~. We started dating immediately and it wasn’t long before he said I Love You, and I was happy to repeat those words back. We had several happy months together and talked about getting married.

    A few weeks after my birthday, he gave me a ring. Not a few days after that, he disappeared for a week. I couldn’t get a hold of him, his friends, or his family. Finally, he called, and informed me that he had been in a mental institution on suicide watch. He had attempted to take his own life, and due to his mental condition (of which I was totally unaware) he would be unable to sustain a relationship. Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated. I felt like my whole future would cease to exist, and I was especially worried about the direction of his life.

    I did what most people would recommend I should have done – I got rid of all photos of us, deleted his contact information, blocked his email address and instant messenger account, and got rid of all of his belongings. He said he wanted to be friends, but I said that would be impossible because I would just want him back. A few months after the incident, I called him up one last time to see if he was “better” and would consider getting back with me. He would not.

    In the 2 years since then, the only times I have seen him is when I ran into him about 3 times around town. Each time I turned and walked the other way quickly. I’ve had two other relationships with wonderful men, and even lived in another country for a while.

    But I still think about him. I still long for what we had, and still cry about it. I can’t watch a romantic movie, even romantic comedies, because they make my heart hurt. I ended my last relationship by telling him it wouldn’t be fair for me to date him because I’m in love with someone else. It seems like no one else is good enough. No one else is him.

    Just a few days ago I hunted around and found a way to contact him (found his YouTube account, of all things) and told him how I am still upset after 2 years. He replied, “when I did what I did I was only doing what I thought was best for myself at the time… It was actually a really rough time for me after you left… really rough… I would be up for hanging out some time if you feel like it… Maybe you’d let me take you out to lunch or something…
    feel free to call me or just email me back sometime… I don’t want there to be any hard feelings between us…”

    I don’t want to get back with him. I know we’re not right for each other after all. But the suddenness of the breakup never left me. It would be another thing if I saw the break up coming, if we just started growing out of each other and parted ways ourselves. But he might as well have died right then that day. I feel like he did die, but when I see him it’s like he only pretended to die and has been living a double life. I discovered he has a girlfriend now. That part really destroyed me. I thought he wasn’t mentally stable enough for a girlfriend?

    I don’t know why after 2 years I’m not over him. I’m tired of waiting for the next Mr. Right to come along. What should I do? Should I meet with him or not?

  115. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Nicole,

    My answer to your question about if you should meet up with Alex, may come as a surprise to you.

    I think that you should.

    You said that you do not want him, and even though I’m a bit worried that you’re not over him (if you were over him, this meeting would’ve had better results for you), I think that you wouldn’t be able to move on unless you do see him.

    This relationship ended abruptly, so it’s only natural that you feel the way you do. It’s the same way we feel about someone who’s died before we had a chance to say goodbye. The nature of the break-up (the attempted suicide) is also a very large part of the reason you feel the way you do.

    Maybe you ARE over him? Have you thought of this as a possibility? You just don’t feel that way as yet, because you need closure from that chapter in your life.

    I think that meeting him is very important. I also think that seeing him face to face will give you that strength to move on with the rest of your life. I suspect that you want to ask him why he wanted to harm himself, and you want to make sure it had nothing to do with you. Also, you may want to know why he didn’t choose you, when he realised he wanted a relationship.

    From what you’ve said about him, I’m sure that his issues had nothing at all to do with you. He felt he loved you at the time, but remember that he was desperate for affection and love at a very low period in his life. You provided that for a while. He realised (and fortunately for you, he did BEFORE you got married) that you were not right for each other. Now that he’s better, he’s ready for a relationship, just not with you.

    You can accept this, can’t you. The men in your life that you discarded, I’m sure they were good people (just like you’re a good person), you just weren’t ready to have a relationship with them at the time. In the same way, him not choosing you, has no bearing on who YOU are.

    Always remember, that not because you love someone, they HAVE to love you back. Love does not work like that. It doesn’t HAVE to be reciprocal. It’s great when it is, but there is no law that says it should be.

    Wait for the guy who would love you, and is stable enough to want to build a life with you and your children together.

    Meet Alex and get this closure you need. One thing that you should keep in mind is, if you’d married Alex and had kids with him, one day he could’ve snapped and killed himself, leaving you and the babies to pick up the pieces.

    People who try to take their lives once, need careful guidance and support to stop them wanting to try it again. That thought that raised its head once, hardly ever gets totally buried in 100% of depression sufferers. Would you be willing to care for a husband and kids as well as work etc? Maybe the day you thought your life took a turn for the worse, is the day it sharply banked a corner for the better.

    Blessings sometimes come covered up and disguised, this doesn’t mean we should neglect to count them.

    You’re young, life awaits you. Get your closure and walk away.

  116. Nicole Says:

    Thanks, Anne! I did go meet him! Before I read your response, actually…. Anyway, I feel a LOT better. There were some tense sexually charged moments (that did not come into fruition, thankfully!) and some nostalgia to get over, but now it finally feels like a normal break up from which I can move on. So, your recommendation was right on. He said he would consider getting us back together, and I rejected him. It felt good to be the one to do the rejecting. A year ago I would have been all over the chance.

    To be honest I don’t know why this new girl is interested in him. He’s on all kinds of meds, has a history of depression and suicide attempts, totaled his car because he was driving drunk, and has no job! If I met him for the first time now I wouldn’t give him the time of day!

  117. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Good for you, Nicole! It’s good that you’re seeing this objectively now.

    Anne

  118. Simone Says:

    Hi Anna,

    I got quite a bit of a problem….
    I think I am hooked on a friend, a married friend, who works with me, and I like to call him and joke with him. But I think it’s getting to be a habit and I know that it is because a need I want to fulfill that wants me to get his attention. When there are times I can’t talk to him, I feel sad and self pity because I am single and I don’t have a man of my own. I don’t know how to find one. I am a social person and I can’t find anyone at work or through friends, and I refuse to meet people through bars or the internet. It gets pretty lonely and sometimes it makes me cry because I just want to have some male company!

    I want to get rid of this married man from my mind once and for all and I don’t know how. I think it’s at the point now that he won’t joke with me anymore and I’m missing that, maybe because he’s busy but who knows? Now he’s like a drug, and I just want to let him be….he’s married and that’s it….and I just want to depend on God to help me find someone, but I get frustrated, because He is not really helping! I work long hours, but with the free time I get I do volunteer. I meet a lot of people, but I don’t meet guys….and it’s so frustrating, and I want to cry sometimes because it gets so lonely, that it hurts….

    Simone

  119. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Simone, in order to answer your question, I have to ask you one. Imagine for a moment that you were married to this man (the one you’re after). Now get a picture of the office flirt in your head, her smiles, her jokes, her too-short skirts. Got that?

    Now this woman is after that man – your husband. Sit down and write her a letter. What would you say to her?

    These are the words you have to read to yourself. You need a good talking to, and only YOU can do it convincingly. So go do it.

    Women often talk negatively about men’s behaviour. This one is trying to do right by his wife and family. Let him.

    Love comes when it wants to. Last night I went to an engagement party. The bride to be is thirty-seven and her future husband is forty. This is not the case of people putting off getting married. They only met five months ago and found love.

    Likewise, your time will come, don’t feel you have to trawl the ocean for men who already belong to your sisters (other women).

  120. Allison Says:

    Great Piece! May we never have another break up.

  121. Simone Says:

    Great, advice, thanks Anne! I definitely don’t want to be labelled the office flirt because that’s not my style. I just had that prblem of being hooked on the unattainable, because I can’t find the attainable….

  122. Mary Says:

    Thanks for a lovely piece.

  123. amanda Schafer Says:

    Yea i thing i did something wrong. My boyfriend dumped me then he asked me to get back together with him, so i did, then he cheated and i found out by him telling me he is dumping me because he found someone new and i became friend with that person he cheated on me with, but that tell i saw them together, thenafter they broke uup he asked me to date him and yet again i said yes and of course he dumped me not that long later. And then acouple months later he emailed me telling me that he loves me so much and he wants to get back together with me and this time i said NO because i know he just will dump me plus i found out he was dating someone and told him that and he asked me if i wanted to be his summer girlfriend because thats the only time we see each other and I said no and now he is emailing me all these lovey- dovey stuff and saying i still love you. I want to be friends with him because thats what we were before we started dating, but he won’t get that i oly want to be friends, plus when we started dating the last time he kept bothering me when we were going to kissing.

  124. Dawn Says:

    Do men ever hurt? I’m out of an 8.5 year relationship that was tainted from the beginning. My dr. put me on 40mgs. of Paxil to get through the divorce, then kept me on it to deal with the kids. Little did I realize that I wasn’t dealing or coping. In fact I embarked in an 8.5 year relationship with monumental mistakes and repurcussions. As I sit here and write, thoughts are racing through my head as to how stupid I sound. Last Nov. I came off of Paxil. I couldn’t believe what I saw. Needless to say the relationship ended the 1st of Feb.2009. The pain is excruciating. The relationship lingered so long that my adult children came to accept this man on my behalf. He is the only grandfather my little grandson knows. But he is a bad man and has a history of failed relationships. the sad thing is he admits it but is ok with it. He uses it as his excuse. I can’t believe what I have done. He is a plumber and uses his side business as his own dating service. This is how I met him…..

    I still love him, but I won’t go back to him. He is who he is. I cry but once in awhile I have a good day. I want to be loved and have promised myself that I will allow myself to heal completely so I can attract a complete man not just pieces of a man to fill the voids in my heart at the time. I will turn 53 tomorrow and I truly believe the best is yet to be. I know I can’t change anything about the last 8.5 years but I can change how the next 8.5 years will be.

    So as I go forward with tears in my eyes and my heat in my gut I will remember this will not kill me. I will just become a more confident, passionate woman.

  125. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Amanda, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re on the right track.

  126. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dawn, Dawn, you break my heart.

    You’ve tugged at my heart strings and I really, truly feel your pain. You don’t sound stupid at all. In fact, you sound very brave for sharing your story like that.

    At this phase of your life, you want to relax in a comfortable well-worn love that feels like a hot water bottle on cold nights. But you also want the flutter of excitement in your heart when you look at the man with whom you’ve shared your life. You don’t want to face what you’re going through. God willing, I know I don’t.

    I admire you for resolving to heal without going back to him. I wish you all the strength in the world to do this. I really do.

  127. Jen Says:

    Dear Anne,
    I had been dating this guy for the past 2 and a half months and decided to end it. During that time we got pretty close. My reasoning for ending it is that I wasn’t sure that it was the right time for us to be having any kind of dating relationship. He told me from the beginning that he is going through a divorce and is trying to uphold his business. Both of which were putting him under a lot of stress and that he’s not ready to be emotionally involved. I became concerned when we were sleeping in the same bed together almost every night and nothing physical was happening and I never felt like he wanted to be affectionate. The other problem is that while I was contemplating ending things I went out with another guy for dinner, nothing happened but I figured it would be a way for me to see what else is out there before I decided anything. I never told him about this but did mention the next day that I wanted to keep things open to see other people. During our breakup conversation I slipped and told him about the other guy. He was livid!! He said he is upset that I didn’t tell him before I went out with the other guy but after and his ex-wife’s dishonesty was what caused his divorce. Since then we had been fighting and he didn’t want to even talk about it! I apologized to him in an email and he txted back saying he accepted it but to not bring it up again. I am really regretting that I did this. Now that a month has passed since this I feel like if I had never gone out with that guy and had been more patient things could have worked. I told him I made a mistake but he wont forgive me. He hasn’t called or anything for the past 3 weeks. I left one last facebook message a few days ago and he responded. He said he is ok with hanging out with me again and said he changed his number and left me his new one. Just wondering if I should call him or wait for him to call me or even bother with it anymore. I don’t think he’d lie to me about anything since he was very much into finding someone who is honest but I can’t help but wonder if this is really his intention or if he’s going to continue to ignore me.

  128. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Jen, I would be surprised if this man has put any real feelings into the ‘relationship.’ First of all, it’s only been two and a half months. Secondly, you two seemed to have jumped into it head first without giving it much thought at all. You said that you were DATING, which I suspect means a casual relationship (in your mind. It was your word). Yet, you two were ‘sleeping in the same bed every night.’

    This set up seems to be the classic ‘rebound’ type situation. Both people are into it for some comfort just until they can stand on their own two feet. This type of relationship is not usually built to last, as both parties need it for selfish reasons.

    He wasn’t that into you to start with. When he found out that you went out to dinner with that other person, this just gave him the perfect reason to wean himself off the ‘thing’ you two had. That ‘thing’ could’ve been with anyone. It just happened to have been you. If what he says is true about his ex-wife, he will want nothing to do with you again. He’s not coming out of a relationship, just to get back into one with EXACTLY the same problems.

    Don’t blame yourself. You went off because you knew in your heart that this man was not into you. Give up now and walk away. Why are you wasting time on this? It seems like a very foolish thing to do.

    Added to all this, he’s got issues he needs to deal with before he can have a healthy relationship with anyone. This may take years.

  129. Becca Says:

    I’m young, but not to young to know I’m in love. About a month ago I went to my guy friends house, we always flirted but this time we flirted a lot and it went onto kissing etc. I fell for him and wanted a relationship, but he didn’t at that time. We both agreed to not be in an realationship untill the end of spring after A levels. I was happy with that at the time thinking I would get my way in the end. I want to know how he feels a month on, but its been so awkward between us we don’t talk like we used to, we are just both embarressed I think. Am I wasting my time waiting for him?

  130. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Becca, not many boys are embarrassed by a bit of kissing and flirting. If he’s keeping his distance it may be because he doesn’t want anything further to develop between the two of you.

    If he wanted to be with you, you would’ve known all about it by now. If you’re doing your A levels you’re about 17-18. A boy his age would more or less know what he wants. It was a sensible idea to wait to start a relationship after your exams. I have a feeling that you were the only one who kept to that promise.

    Is it possible that he’s seeing someone already?

    I cannot answer your question, but he can. Ask *him.*

  131. Jen Says:

    Dear Anne,
    I’m back, its Jen from the previous question. Obviously you were right about the divorcing guy. I spoke with him a bit more and it really opened my eyes that yes, it was a rebound. Now, setting all that aside what advice would you give someone who is ready to meet the right one? I am able to meet new guys but as in the instance above they are not quite relationship material. I always find some reason or another why it can’t happen or they do. I have been doing my best to be patient but I am ready to go out and find something. I am also starting from scratch every time, meaning they are all brand new and I will need time to get to know them. I am also somewhat new in my town as well I moved to Seattle from Southern California and have lived here for about a year now.

  132. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi,Jen.
    There are no hard and fast recipies for meeting the right guy or the right woman. In fact, sometimes we find it harder to meet that person when we’re actually looking for them.

    I’ve written quite a few articles on relationships. If you go to the very top of this article (the article, not the comments), you’ll see my name. Click on this and it will take you to a page that lists some of the relationship-type articles that I’ve written. There is one with advice on how to work ‘being single’ to your benefit, and another one one with rough guidelines on how to go about finding the man of your dreams.

    These articles will tell you what you seem to be after, better than this small space will allow. There are many more pieces, but I think these two are probably what you’re after.

  133. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Jen, RE: above response.

    One of the blogs I manage is all about relationships. It’s called The Relationship Supermarket and can be found here.
    http://anne-lyken-garner.blogspot.com/

  134. Jenney Says:

    hey Anne,
    My ex and I have a really complicated relationship. We started going out last summer and everything went well until school started again. We go to different schools and I hear about how he flirts with other girls and it really bothers me. Then in November he tried to break up with me but i didn’t want to accept and I kept holding on to him trying to bring our relationship back to life for 4 months. It was as if we were dating but we weren’t official. Then just a few days ago I found out apparently he has a new girlfriend. My heart aches so much… I’ve been so stressed out and just feeling really depressed. When i asked him about it he told me that the girl thinks that they’re dating when they aren’t. I found out that to keep myself from hurting by him again is just MOVE ON… but its so difficult. But the thing is I can’t cry, I want to cry because that’s when my body really lets me release all my suffering but for some reason I can’t cry, the tears wont come out! I have all these feelings trapped inside of me and I’m so stressed out by them. I feel this heavy load in my chest. I want to let it all out but the tears just don’t come down… What should I do?

  135. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Jenney, start by actually doing the tips provided in the article above. You said that you cannot cry, well, this might help.
    You know when your ex said that his new girlfriend thinks they’re dating but they’re not? Well, he was talking about YOU.

    He’s not into you anymore. Probably never really was. You provided some summer fun and distraction for him. Get over it now. This girl he’s with, he was probably with her even before you two met.

    Now go and have a good cry and move on with your young life!

  136. SP Says:

    Dear Anne

    My boyfriend broke up with me earlier this week after 9 months together. I’m finding it really difficult to cope, I keep wanting to call or text him in case he changes his mind. It doesn’t help that we have split up quite a few times in the past and after I have cried and asked for us to try and work things out we have always got back together pretty quickly.

    This time he’s saying its over for good, that we’ve tried to make it work too many times and failed. The thing that hurts the most is that I forgave him for so many things in the past (he was messaging other girls behind my back, he hit me once when he was drunk and he lied to me on several occasions). After all of those things I had difficulty trusting him but I knew that with time I would be able to regain a reasonable amount of trust back, but he expected it to come back over night. It finally came to a head a few nights ago when I used his laptop (with his permission) and noticed that he had changed his instant messaging picture from a picture of us to a picture of his car, and he had also taken it off of automatic sign in. As I still didn’t trust him fully I questioned why he would do that and he got really angry and told me he was fed up of my lack of trust and to get out of his house.

    I’ve tried talking to him since then but he just tells me to leave him alone, I’ve said I’m working on my trust issues as well as my low self esteem (my lack of self esteem really didn’t help the situation) but he said its not going to work. I asked him if he could change his phone number as I know it off by heart and I know I wouldn’t have the will power to not contact him whilst I still have his number in my head. He refused to change his phone number which makes me think he enjoys knowing the pain I’m in.

    I just feel so devastated because I gave so much to our relationship, I forgave him in situations that he would never have forgiven me for and he ended it over something relatively small compared to past issues we have got through. I would like to add he does have anger problems, he used to be hooked on drugs and is in a lot of debt, plus his father committed suicide a few years back in a terrible way.

    I know it has only been less than a week since we broke up but I honestly don’t want to go on without him, I gave so much to him and I don’t want this to be the end, I love him with all of my heart and just the night before he broke up with me he told me I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he never wants to lose me.

    I am such a mess at the moment I need some good advice!!

  137. Kate Smedley Says:

    I’ve read this article before but just reread it as I have recently ended a long-term live in relationship. It is incredibly hard but totally the right thing to do which keeps me going. Your advice is spot on, every single point will help anyone going through this. Thanks Anne and I hope everyone appreciates the considerable time you have taken to reply to all of these posts. You are a real star. Kate

  138. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Sp,

    You need to pick your head up off the floor, you’re wiping his feet with your hair.

    Why are you crying and asking him to take you back? You’ve got some serious issues, and none of them have anything to do with your ex. Before you read on here, I want you to re-read your post. Do you see what message this gives you about yourself?

    He has/had anger and drug problems, he hit you, he cheat on you, he lied to you then when he was tired of wiping his feet on you, he threw you out. Now, you’re asking him for the pleasure of doing it all over again.

    To be fair to him, why does he have to change his number? Why are you exempt from taking responsibility for your own actions when the rest of us are? Take your actions into your own hands and stop yourself from calling. What has happened to you to make you so weak and unable to see how valueless you’re making your life? It’s obviously time to choose to make that change. Whatever has happened in the past, it’s up to you to give it up and CHOOSE your own path. Believe me when I say that I know it’s possible.

    You said that you’ve given so much into the relationship. I’m sure you have, but many people have spent years giving and giving and in the end it still does not work out in their favour. At the moment you’ve only wasted nine months. Walk away now before that becomes nine years.

    Believe your ex when he says that he’s had enough. He does not have to love you just because you do him. This, sadly is not how love works. There is no reason why someone has to love you just because you feel something for him.

    I don’t know if you have, but please try the tips in the article above. Once you’ve done that, here is another one of my articles. This one offers advice on how to be happy and single. You don’t have to have a man to be whole. This is the advice you need and it’s all been put together in this article, so I won’t bother to repeat it all here.

    http://www.beyondjane.com/Relationships/Single-on-Valentines-Day-Work-It-to-Your-Advantage.519303

  139. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Thanks, Kate.

  140. SP Says:

    Dear Anne

    I appreciate the time you have taken to respond but I really think compared to other people you have responded to, you have been very harsh on me. It’s not about what I want to hear but you have made me feel even worse about what is happening than I did before. You have had such kind words to others but to me it feels like you do not appreciate what I am going through.

    I wrote to you as I felt like you could understand and emphasise with others in this awful situation, but in other cases you seem to be helpful where in my case you seem to be very cold and this does not seem like your usual response.

  141. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Sp,

    All of the comments have elements of firmness and encouragement. Not just yours. In yours however, I had to stress slightly on the former. There is a reason for this.

    I knew that you would have the response you do, because most of the previous posters were inclined to think (with even the tiniest part of what they described) that a bad relationship is one that you walk away from. Your comment indicated that you felt that this was a relationship you had to hold onto at all costs. Correct me if I’m wrong about this.

    I think that there was a slight misunderstanding also. You are not the only person to whom I gave a firm response. There were at least four others, who like you, needed to hear those things.

    I’m sorry if my response made you sad, but sadness was certainly not the emotion I was aiming for. I hoped that you would examine your thoughts with clarity and do something positive about your situation. I’m sorry that I could not then, and will not now, tell you what you want to hear. It would not be prudent for me to do so. You need to hear exactly the opposite of what you WANT to be told.

    Your relationship is not working, he’s not into you, he obviously does not love you (if what you said is true). Why do you want to punish yourself? Why do you want to be pacified and be told that everything is and will be okay? It will not be, if you keep treading on the same path you’re now on.

    The relationship is over. You’re coming out of it without a child. Be thankful for this. You said to me that your self esteem was low. You do not need for me to help you to make it lower. I refuse to do so by giving you advice on how to make this relationship work. I will not!

    I gave you what, in my humble opinion, will work for you. I also suspected (from your last post) that you did not even TRY the tips in the article above. Hence, I asked you to do so. Now I’m convinced that you did not try them. You do not want to ‘Ten Sure Ways To Get Over Him.’ You want me to give you ‘Ten Sure Ways to Make Him Love You.’ This is impossible. If someone claims to have advice on this, they’re lying to you.

    This is what I can offer you. Please accept it. Read and take up the tips offered above. When you’ve done that, please, please click on the other link. I have a good reason for giving you the link to this second article. I wrote it myself and I KNOW what I said in it. You asked me for my help, and this is my help. The article tells you how to be happy with YOURSELF as a single person. I cannot do anymore.

    People are not a group of ‘things.’ I have to give advice to individuals. You are an individual with specific needs. None of these needs will be met by your ex. And he IS your ex. None of these needs will be met by people wrapping you in wool and telling you it’s going to be alright. It can’t be, if you’re living with the ‘problem.’ You will never be happy with a man who does not love you, and whom you do not trust. If this sounds harsh, then I’m sorry, but it’s not meant to be. You need reality. I’m this person in cyberspace giving it to you for free. I’m not trying to be harsh. Reality is harsh, especially when you need the very thing you do not want.

    You *need* to walk away from the relationship. You do not want to. This is harsh, but it’s the truth. If you’re so unhappy with whom you are, you will never be able to make someone else happy. Both of you need to take a couple of years on your own to work on who you are.

  142. Bre Says:

    Dear Anne,

    My boyfriend and I dated for 6 months. The first four months were absolutely great. We both felt like we had found the person we were supposed to be with. Then, the holidays came and he met my family. The trip went awful. My parents had very strong opinions about him. Unfortunately, I let these opinions begin to effect our relationship. We slowly started to drift away from one another. It was so sad. This occured for about 2 months. Finally, he said that we were better off apart. We both come from different religious backgrounds, and this was one thing that bothered my family. I am so mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I know that things happen for a reason, but I am still struggling with this. I constantly think about how I messed things up. I haven’t talked to him, but I have emailed him an apology admitting where I went wrong in our relationship. I just did this a few days ago, and haven’t heard anything from him. My friends and mutual friends tell me not to talk to him, I just feel so guilty for everything that happend.

    Any advice would be great. Thanks!

  143. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Bre, I’m very sorry I missed this. I’ve been away recently catching up with some important deadlines.

    It’s sad, and I know that I should say that family shouldn’t choose your partner for you. I know that you expect me to say that it’s not them that will have to live with him (if you marry) but you.

    However, I’m afraid that it *is* very important for your family to like the person you’re with. Many times they can see beyond the romance (because they’re not emotionally involved) to other important features about the person about which you’re presently blind. Your parents know you very well, and they know the kind of person who will make you happy (they’ve been providing your needs and making you happy all your life. They’re now good at it).

    It is sad when we lose the person we think we want to spend our lives with, but I suspect that you’re still in school and this is maybe your first love. I know also that you’re feeling terrible at the moment. Maybe even desperately thinking that you’ll never be happy again. I daresay that you will meet someone else who will make you feel like this. Then when you break up, you’ll realise that this feeling of loss happens a lot in our lives. Every time it happens we feel as though we can’t possibly go on. Then we get over it and start over. Funnily enough, we never learn that with time the hurt will pass.

    I don’t know why you think you’ve messed things up. This seems to be about something totally separate from your parents’ dislike of him. Are you blaming this meeting for something else that went wrong even before it happened?

    Let this one go. Another (better) one will come along and hopefully this time, your parents will like him.

    It’s important to date someone that our family (at least) can stand. It makes for a smoother and more fulfilling relationship. It’s always easier, especially while you’re still living at home.

  144. Bre Says:

    Dear Anne,

    Thank you very much for your insight. You are right, I am young, but out of college. I haven’t, however, been in many serious relationships. I feel that I messed things up becasue I listend to my parents’ opinions rather than my own feelings. Prior to meeting my parents, things between the two of us were great. We both were so happy. We were talking about marriage in the summer. Now that it’s over I realize what has happend (me listening to my parents’ opinions) and it just makes me feel even worse about the situation.

    I find myself struggling to get through this probably because I realize what I have lost.

  145. Bre Says:

    I wasn’t sure if I answered you question on why I feel I messed things up. Ultimately, I feel this way becasue I listend to what my parents had to say and let it force a wedge between us, and I became very distant and cold, becasue I felt torn. I love my parents and him, and I just didn’t know what to do. Now that we aren’t together, and I have had time to reflect on the situation, I am aware of what I did to make things so bad.

  146. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Bre, naturally, any girl would feel devastated about a break up. You’re no different. Trying to find a reason for why your relationship failed is also natural.

    You’ve chosen to fixate on your parents meeting him (expressing an opinion which you followed). To be honest, if you were really meant for each other, this would not be the case. You listened to your parents maybe because you know they were right. Now you feel guilty for having held their impression above your feelings for him. You haven’t done a bad thing. It may take you years, but you will realise one day that you did the right thing. Take care that you do not blame your parents for this. It seems like you have a very good relationship with them, don’t let this come between you.

    Don’t blame yourself, either. Imagine if you had married him and he didn’t get along with your parents. What would’ve happened then?

  147. Jen Says:

    Dear Anne,
    I’ve been hanging out with this guy as friends for the past month and a half. He’s always really nice to me and really flirty. Always telling me I’m pretty etc… and is also respectful and mature. I did tell him that I just wanted to be friends from the beginning since at the time I had just broken up with someone. We usually hang out at this party every other weekend since his cousin is the DJ there. We spend most of the night together dancing with the exception of the few times I talked to other guys and got their numbers. I was open about it and he got jealous when I talked to anyone else. However, after spending some time with him and getting to know him better I discovered that we have a lot in common and really started enjoying his company and liked that he was so fun and easy to be around. I was definitely attracted to him. He’s also a personal trainer so I’ve also worked out with him a few times as well. I am really into fitness so I really like that we have this in common. The problem now is the last time we hung out at the party I noticed that he smoked some pot and I usually don’t date guys who do this. On our way home I asked him if this was something he does all the time and he said only with his friend but he’s not proud of it. I also mentioned that I liked him and want to get to know him better but this could be a concern for me. I thought about it that night and was glad I was honest with him but didn’t want to give up quite yet. It was nice out the next day so I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out and got no response. I called again the next day and he didn’t return the call. Finally, I texted one last time about 4 days ago and asked if he wanted to work out this week and he responded with…”Hey what’s up. I’ve been really busy this week. My schedule is hectic.” I still have not heard from him….what’s going on here? I am afraid that I may have scared him off by revealing my feelings. I have not contacted him since then. Is it safe to say I should move on from him, he seemed really into me in the beginning now just somewhat distant. I don’t know if I’m assuming too much here.

  148. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Jen,

    I don’t think you need my advice. You seem to be sensible enough to have worked it out.

    Jealous guy (not a good quality, even though some girls foolishly think it is) meets girl.
    Guy likes girl, girl likes guy.
    Guy smokes pot
    Girl does not.
    Girl is strong enough to voice her opinion.
    Guy goes cold.

    Look, he’s worked out that there’s no point dating you because you won’t fit into his partying lifestyle (some folk can’t party without drugs).
    He’s at least decent enough to NOT get involved, and you’re better off having gotten away without starting a relationship – only to find out *after* things got serious.

    Be proud of your stand, your fitness and your goals in life. You will find someone who shares them and who respects his body and mind as much as you do yours.
    One thing to remember is that if you get involved now, he will say to you three years from now, ‘You knew what you were getting into.’ You don’t want that thrown back in your face.

    Let him be.

  149. Bre Says:

    Thanks Anne. I think you are right. I am blaming myself for that very reason. It just makes me incredibly frustrated with myself. Some people say I should blame myself for my unhappiness, and I think it is for this reason that I am so upset. Thank you for saying I shouldn’t blame myself. I am a strong believer that God has a plan, and also that he won’t give anyone more than they can handle so I have to have faith that with each day it will get that much easier.

    Thank you for all of your advice. I am so glad that you have this article here, and that you still respond to people’s personal postings.

    Thank you!

  150. NaJ Says:

    Anne,

    I have read your comments and they have helped me tremendously. I fell in love with this man he was 36 I am 46 and there were “things” from the start that alarmed me about the start of our “relationship” and we talked about it. He assured me that he was ready, even when i questioned this and proceeded to ease my mind of these worries I had had. We started out as a long distance relationship as he was in the military but we much talking and planning I ended up taking a temp position in a town 2 hours from where he was, at his insistence. Things were great for a while, then he started becoming more and more distant. I questioned him on this and it always ended up in a wicked fight and him telling me I was pushing him. He wouldn’t communicate, would just say, “I just want to be”. I was confused, I had changed MY life for him and gave all of myself without really getting anything in return. As you can imagine it turned ugly, because I felt used and betrayed….especially when he took the cowards way out and ended it in a text message of all things. He refused to talk to me either on the phone or face to face. But would respond to my angry text messages telling me I knew the truth and I ruined it all. With the help of friends I have been able to pick up the pieces of my life and attempt to move on. I have been doing great, but recently I have felt myself sliding back. I have met a wonderful man recently and want to be able to be open to explore the possibilities there. I thought I had moved on and accepted the end of my previous relationship, but I think that this new person coming into my life has opened up something I am confused about. I don’t know what to do or how to shake this. I thought I was on the right road to mending and finding happiness but now i am scared and fearful of being hurt again. My ‘ex’ gave me nothing, has nothing to offer me and was never ready for a relationship with me. He loved me yes, but when things got very intense and I found a way into a place within him that he vowed to never let another woman, he bolted. I know deep in my heart how he felt…and i believe still feels for me. HOW can i let these feelings of “maybe” go and enjoy the new possibility that has come into my life?

  151. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi NaJ,

    I’ve been away, so sorry for the time it took me to answer. There should be no reason for you not to allow this new guy to be your rebound. Sometimes when we’re very hurt the only thing that helps us to move on is a rebound person.

    To be fair to him, let him know that you’re just out of a relationship that ended badly for you, and that you’re not looking for anything serious. This way, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing by him (and for yourself). He won’t expect much, so if you’re not giving your all, he will understand.

    It sounds like you’re not completely over your ex. You’re feeling bad because you made so many sacrifices for him. This is only natural. If he was the guy up the street whom you didn’t have to move for, whom you didn’t change your life for, the break-up wouldn’t have hurt so much. You’re counting your loss and all the time you spent changing so much for him – only to end up with nothing but a text message. You feel that at this point in your life, that he was your chance of happiness. He failed you, so this felt like he took away your chance of finally being fulfilled in a relationship. You’re also reeling because your instinct told you even BEFORE you got with him, that you were probably not doing the right thing. You ignored that wise voice inside your head, only to your own peril. YOu can’t believe you didn’t heed your own advice.

    This is all over now. It’s easy for me to say move on, but it’s not an easy thing to do.

    To answer your question of ‘How?’ Just let this new man be your rebound guy. Take it easy. YOu’re moving way tooooooo fast by thinking that he is a ‘new possibility.’ He’s just a date that will take your mind off your heartache until you’re strong enough to be ready for another relationship. Think like this, believe this, and you’ll be able to get over this in time.

    It’s never too late to find love. My aunt did it when she was 52.

  152. Cedrika Says:

    Hey my name is Cedrika and im going through a really hard time tryna stop thinkn about my ex. He has hurt me so many times i cant even count but, i always tried to ignore it or believe his lies because he was my 1st love. We have been together since 10th grade both of us are now 20 years old. Ive taken upon myself to give up on him because he has meet someone new. Out of all the tears ive cried and nights i spent paceing back and forth to try to understand, i just can\’t get through to him. Im hurtn so badly and right now im pregnant im due in june and with the baby, and him its just realy taken alot out of me. i dont wana b alone and i sure dont wana b without him but all i can do is try to move on, because love shouldnt hurt… thank u for whoever takes the time to read this, i jus felt like i needed to get it out one way or another….. take care

  153. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi Cedrika,

    There is one thing about your message that was very striking. You said that you ignored his bad treatment of you and believed his lies because he was your first love. I’m sorry, but I’ve tried hard to understand this, but couldn’t.

    Is it okay to let someone who don’t love you hurt you and lie to you just because he happened to be the person you loved first?

    I suppose you already know that you’ve wasted years of your precious, young life on this man who has obviously been very bad for you from the start. YOu’ve got to make up your mind and decide that you’re worth something.

    How on earth did you manage to spend all those years with this man who did not love you? You won’t be alone for long. You’ll soon have a baby to look after. Spend your energies there with this child and raise them to believe that they’re worth more, and to expect more in their lives.

    You’re right that love shouldn’t hurt. The pain you’re feeling is not love. It’s anger at yourself for staying with him until he abandoned you and your child, when you knew from the start that he would do it. You’re feeling let down and sore from putting yourself through unnecessary troubles for years.

    I don’t know why you’ve done so. I really can’t comment on that because I know nothing about you. Your situation has left me really baffled. Why would a young girl with a future and opportunities ahead of her spend so many years with a man who used her and hurt her?

    You have to look to the future, but I suspect you know this now. Don’t go back to him now because after committing a crime on yourself for staying so long, you are now going to commit an unforgivable abuse on your child by subjecting him/her to the life you’ve chosen to live with this man. Please do not do it.

  154. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Funkymonkey,

    You sound like you need to work on yourself a bit. Concentrate on you, or you’ll continue to attract a string of guys who treat you in this way! I’ve written an article that answers your question perfectly. What you should do can be found at this link. Just copy and paste it in your browser.

    http://www.beyondjane.com/Relationships/Single-on-Valentines-Day-Work-It-to-Your-Advantage.519303

    Remember that if you want an easy fix, this will not work. You’ve got to be prepared to put in some effort on your part.

  155. kellig21 Says:

    Hey, I am going through a really rough time right now as my long-distance boyfriend of 1 1/2 years just broke up last weekend. I am a sophomore in college and he is a junior in college. He was my first love and I truly gave my entire heart to him, always sending him packages, and constantly showing him my affection. He had undergone a tough time with depression, at the beginning of our relationship, and last summer we spent a lot of time together doing fun, non-alcoholic things such as going to the zoo or Saratoga. We were inseparable and hung out everyday. I knew his family and his friends and everything about him.

    This year at school things became more difficult. He had started to drink, and along with that came the common issues of going out. We had an issue with dancing with the opposite sex, where I gave up my own opinion that I did not feel comfortable with him doing so. However, rather than breaking up over the issue I decided if he was respectively dancing so he did not feel left out among his friends and it was ONLY because I was not there that it would be okay. However, this past semester has been the hardest. We have not gone one whole weekend without constantly fighting over something. Oftentimes I wanted to talk to him a lot, just because I missed him, and sometimes I would get jealous or upset… although here I go again blaming myself. It would not always be my fault but somehow the next morning I would ALWAYS apologize to ensure that we would be together. This has caused a mindset in me that I am always the wrong one.

    Halfway through the semester he decided he wanted more space from me and we took a week break… I then realized that this might be a good thing and accepted it again. We were fine for awhile and I did trust him although it was difficult as he went out around 5 nights during the week as opposed to my 1 night a week with my girlfriends. Finally, after weeks of fighting/not fighting… we came home from break and he again told me he needed more space and things were not working. I agreed they were not working and I sometimes needed reassurance of his love (basically, the little things). Afterwards he constantly told me I \”begged\” to stay with him however I truly believed that it could work and told him I wanted to try- however terrible sounding that is…

    For me this boy was my first true love, someone I gave everything to and someone that I really built my life around. He told me that he didn’t like when I made plans for the future-but isn’t that what gets us through in a LDR? He wanted to talk less and spend more time with our friends.. despite saying he loved me the whole time. This was hard for me, however I accepted it because I knew how much we cared about each other. However even when we fought I was always the first to call back, to hate going to sleep mad at one another. I couldn’t wait to talk to him after coming back from going out, when he would stay out until 3am. I would love to plan our next visits and just couldn’t wait to be with him. I know he loved to be with me but it was obvious that it was not as much as me.

    The final straw came last weekend. Whenever we are both drunk we have a tendency to treat each other terribly. Everytime that we each came to visit a fight would usually entail over a misspoken word or something or other. I personally did not drink as much until I started to date him, and I feel it was negatively affecting me as well. This weekend on Friday night we had went to a bar and were having a fun time. This girl who was friends with his brother was ontop of him (although she was ontop of everyone there too). I was fine with this until she touched his inner leg and he did not walk away. He acted as if this was no big deal and did not want to insult her but in reality he was insulting ME. The next day I felt stupid and apologized and we were fine for Saturday. Saturday night was the night I realized what I deserved. We had been having a fun night and were dancing all night until he went to the bathroom and I was waiting for him. I had been waiting for awhile when all of a sudden I turn around and he\’s dancing with these three other girls that he\’s not very good friends with…just him…no friends…i\’m here… He sees me and says hey what\’s up? I walk away in anger.. He doesn\’t think that there is anything wrong with being at a bar-me alone not knowing anyone and him dancing with girls. He drops me off at his house and then proceeds to go back down to the bar after his girlfriend had traveled 6 hours to see him. I get there and realize I do not have the key for his room so go back to the bar to find him telling another girl he has no idea where I was and that I got mad at him for a stupid reason-basically takling about me behind my back. It enraged me because he knew where his girlfriend was and what he could do to fix things. I got so upset and was going to stay at another friend\’s house but ended up jus tsleeping on teh couch. He could have apologized all night but instead I said no and that I was done. I knew I deserved better and I told him so. I never deserve to be walking along the streets of an unknown city alone.

    Now at this point I know that we are done. I know I deserve better, and I know one day he will realize what he lost. It\’s just so hard to look past the good times even though I have to. I keep blaming myself for maybe getting mad at things in the past or doing thigns that could have brought it to this point-although I realize that it couldn\’t have always been my fault. I just miss the little things and it really pains me that he does not miss me just as much after all that we have been through. I know that I need to move on and have been following all these techniques it just hurts me so much because of how much I cared about him. I have so many dreams that I need to focus on right now such as attending medical school. It’s just I always pictured him a part of my future even though he may have not towards the end. Also, most of my friends now have their own boyfriends and are constantly spending time with them.. I am of course super happy for them but now need to move back into that single stage. I also think that I need to start focusing on myself becuase I put him before everything and spent all my $ and time on him. I am also scared that I will never find someone that I am so in love with as him. In my eyes he was perfect, although I know that is far from true. Additionally, EVERYTHING in my life reminds me of him. How do I get past that? Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

  156. kellig21 Says:

    I forgot to add that after we broke up he was worried that he would come across in a bad light, so he put hurtful song lyrics in his info along the lines of I cared about you but not as much as you would like me too, you like me more than I like you, that i would always be whining on the phone, and not trusting him. It was not until my friend texted him saying if you ever cared about kelli how could you do that that he took them out. I also made the mistake of calling him where he was nice but also confused that I wanted to be friends now. In addition we had made summer plans to go to NC and run a triathlon together and now I am sad that this won’t take place- even though I am sure he is fine with it.

  157. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi, Kellig

    You sound like you know exactly what to do already. I wonder why you need my help.

    You already know that you don’t want to be with someone who brings out the worst in you.

    You already know that you become a drunk and agressive person with him around.

    You know that you cannot trust him. You believe that he is not yet ready for a long-term relationship. Why should he be? He’s very young and doesn’t have to become a responsible man as yet. He’s having fun, hanging out with a girlfriend who is afraid to give him the freedom he obviously want.

    You seem to be resigned to the fact that you two want different things. He wants a free, fun, loose relationship and you want a committed one.

    Of course you will feel like your heart has just been ripped out. That is to be expected. The person you spent all your energies on, focused on, obessed about is no longer there (not a healthy thing to do – but that’s another story). Part of you will feel empty because the object of your focus is gone.

    You really have no choice but to get on with normal things and wait for this wave to pass. It does. Trust me. It may take some time. Get your friends over (look at the article above these comments)and let them help you ride it.

    We’re not made to love just one person. You will love someone else, then another, then another. We’re like that. We’ve got endless capabilities to love. If we didn’t, mothers would only ever love their first born. No, it’s not different. We love with the same heart – the only one we’ve got – but we love big, strong and lots of times. Cheer up, life will get easier when you’re with someone you can trust and someone you find it easier to be with.

  158. Jhero Says:

    Hi Anne,

    I liked your article and was just hoping you could help. Long story short, I fell for a co-worker. I liked him the moment he came in to interview with us (I did the interview – talk about conflict of interests!).

    Well he got the job and it turns out that on top of being extremely sexy, he was charming, funny and smart. We had a lot in common in terms of interests and I found that out when we started to become closer friends, about a year we started working together. Before that, we were just friendly co-workers who flirted (we are both flirts by nature) but he totally kept his distance from me for a while.

    Anyway, he would always give mixed signals during the time started to become closer friends. Its like that Kelly Clarkson song when she says, “Here’s the thing, we started out friends. It was cool but it was all pretend..” meaning that while we were friends, there did seem to be chemistry between the two of us and we were trying to impress each other. He got my number, finally, said he would call me that weekend but never did. Thats the best way to sum up how he was while we were friends – unreliable. I mean, when a guy likes you, its supposed to be obvious, right? There aren’t supposed to be mixed signals, right? But there was and for the 4 months or so that we started to become closer friends, i felt like he was constantly pulling me in than pushing me back. First off, i knew he was hiding the fact that he still saw his ex-girlfriend and second of all, he’d always text me and act like he wanted to meet up with me while we were both out in the city, but I always felt that he never followed through and it was mostly me just trying to make it happen (side note- i NEVER texted him first, just always replied to his texts to meet up. But then he would either “pass out” or “not be able to make it where I was” – you know, complete BS). I hope you see the trend – it just always seemed like he liked me, was interested and then BAM would pull the rug out from under me and I’d be wondering why I could be so stupid to fall for it again.

    I made peace with the fact that we were only going to be friends. Then a funny thing started happening – we DID start to hang out and he started becoming sweet, attentive – everything I had dreamed of. It would be a drink here after work, a lunch during the week … something definitely started to blossom. But up to this point it was always strictly platonic. The attraction that i felt was obvious on both ends was like the elephant in the room – we never talked about it.

    Ok so finally he tells me one day that he likes me but doesn’t want to, “rush into things.” We ended up dating for about a month and a half until he ended things. I mean, before we started dating we had actually been (in my opinion) close friends. And he turned into a prince charming during that time, or at least thats how i remember him. But I think i know why he ended things – i don’t think he was ready for something serious (he basically told me that) but i had liked him for so long and was finally “getting what i wanted” that i think I was pushing him towards it. I wasn’t trying to do that, mind you. But I would call him out when he would act unreliable like he did when we were just friends (for example, he’d say he’d call me the next day and then wait until 10PM to do so-i just think that is disrespectful). I never asked him to be exclusive but I did tell him that i only wanted to continue seeing him if he had the right intentions. I explained to him that I was fine taking things slow like he said (we would hang out once a week, sometimes twice) but that I didn’t want to be in this unless he had intentions to see if this could be something more like boyfriend/girlfriend down the line. Basically, i didn’t want to play the “he’s just not that into you” game and was trying to make it clear that if he was unsure about me that it would be best to remain friends. He assured me this wasn’t the case and it was only becuase he was hesitant to comitting to someone with so many life decisions in the air (he wanted to go back to school for a masters, for example) that made him want to take things slow and also becuase of past hard breakups.

    Anyway, things started to get weird after a “discussion” we had after one night that he said he was going to call me but never did. The discussion started out the way others before had, “listen, you said you were going to call but its 11PM now and we both have work tomorrow. Either you don’t respect me or aren’t into me. If that is the case, let me know, and we’ll end this now.” Well during this phone conversation he said that he did like me but was confused, blah blah had told him mom about me and everything. Anyway, i thought the convo ended well (we both agreed to just take it one day at a time) but lo and behold, the next week he was completely distant and then he ended things the next week. He never gave me a clear reason but I knew it was because i had pushed him away with my questions and expectations (again, i wasn’t trying to. I just didn’t want to waste my time with him if he knew, in the end, that he wasn’t that into me. I guess i didn’t buy into his excuses about school and about fearing getting hurt again. But i know I should have just kept my mouth shut.)

    Well here I am 3 months later and still not over him. I know why I am not over him – i don’t want to let go. I still hope, STUPID as it sounds, that he really DOES want me/love me and just is trying to stay away. Dammit, even as I type that i know its not true that he feels that way but its like my heart refuses to give up hope. The thing is that he wasn’t even that great of a person (though very funny, smart, and exciting to be around) but the physical attraction was so intense that it was something i hadn’t experienced before and i’m 24. Its like the sun shines out of his a$$. To me, when he enters a room, its like he glows. He is SO charismatic, so charming, so beautiful. And when he does show kindness and compassion, its perfection. Did I mention that i see him EVERYDAY AT WORK becuase not only does he sit 20 feet from me, we hang out in the same group of office friends. I also have to see him now during some weekends because our work group likes to get together sometimes.

    I’ve balled the last two times i’ve seen him outside work. I can’t grasp the fact that he doesn’t want me anymore. I can’t handle seeing him look at me without passion in his eyes. I can’t accept that he told me, when we first started dating (and when he ended things) that i was “the most interesting person he had ever met” and yet he doesn’t seem particularly bothered whether me and him are friends again. I want to believe SO BADLY that this will pass, that I’ll get over him, that some other man who is 100% better than him and better for me is out there, but I can’t. My heart refuses to give up hope. So i do stupid things like make sure I go to work looking gorgeous, seem really happy and upbeat around him like I’ve moved on. But I don’t think I’m fooling anyone – I’m gaga for this guy and he could give a sh*t less.

    Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. And your story – about your marriage – gives me hope… Sorry this was so long, btw!

  159. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi, Jhero,
    I can’t help thinking that at first your ex was attracted to the position of authority you held over him. Either that or he was concerned that not showing any interest at all in you (who obviously doted on him) may have been bad for his job.

    Maybe he *did* grow to like you as time went by, and after he was no longer seeing his girlfriend (the one he told you was his ex). It seems as though he tried his very best not get with you originally, but always fixed it in such a way that you held onto a hope that it *could* happen. This is not a very kind thing to do to anyone, let alone your ‘friend.’

    If you like someone you want to spend as much time as possible with them. You would do anything, even sneak out and put yourself in danger just to see them. No one has to be told this, yet, men and women claim to be interested in someone but only wish to see them or talk to them twice a week. I think that it’s empty hope that makes people believe this. We all know how you feel when you’re really interested in someone.

    What word do you use when you’re not really interested in something that someone expects you to like? Do you say it’s awesome, pretty, outstanding, exciting, hilarious, cool? No, you say it’s ‘interesting.’ I’m surprised that you let him get away with calling you ‘interesting.’

    Listen, you’ve had your fun and so has he. If he really likes you it will show, if he doesn’t this will be obvious as well. Reading your post, I can guess which one you KNOW to be true and which one you HOPE to be true. You have a choice. Either live in hope, or accept what you know.

    He sounds like a really nice person, and a funny guy. You said he wasn’t all that, but you still desperately want him, so I see something that doesn’t add up there. Either he’s a great guy or he isn’t, right? Either that or you’re just physically attracted to a man who’s mediocre in your eyes. That says more about you than it does about him.

    Find out what you want from yourself. Do you want to hang around playing second fiddle to a guy who’ll pick you up and put you down when the feeling takes his fancy, or do you want to move on and get over this mistake you’ve made. We all make them, you know.

  160. Abby Says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me after nine months. We are both 22 and in our last year of Uni. He said that he does not want to be in a serious relationship a the moment and is enjoying being single. we were very happy together, he was lovely to me and we never even fought so i just feel like this is not a good enough reason for us to break up and this is why it is so hard to get over. I would like to be with him in the future so am tempted to stay in contact with him so we can remain close and that there is always the posiblity of getting back together. Is this a bad idea?

  161. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Yes, Abby, It’s a terrible idea. Instead of cheating behind your back and treating you badly, he has been honest with you and told you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
    If you’ve ever respected him, respect his decision and leave him alone.

    Not everyone who are together are meant to spend eternity with each other. Accept this. You’ve had a pleasant relationship, not many people are so lucky.

  162. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    HI AD,
    Yours is such a sad story. It’s one that I’ve heard before too. Working together after a break-up is one of the worst ways to get over it. Years ago, long before I was married, I had to do this very thing.

    It takes a while, but you get over it. I know from personal experience. There is nothing you can *do.* You just have to wait for the right amount of time to pass. In my case, I tried not to talk to him at all and kept away from the places I knew he would be. If I saw him in the corridor, I waited until he was gone – just little things to keep my sanity. Before very long everything slipped back into place. He was seeing another girl from the office whose desk was right next to mine. Truthfully, it didn’t bother me and I was really glad that it was her who was putting up with him and not me. She and I became friends and when he started lying to her and making her cry during work, I did tell her to leave him. She didn’t listen though.

    Isn’t it odd that people who choose to describe themselves as ‘open minded’ are the most closed minded people there are? They are so scared to pick ideals for themselves that they claim to embrace everything and all things. As human beings we have to choose, we cannot embrace and believe everything. Being an atheist is far from being open minded.

    You sound like you’ve made your decision and good for you. All I want to do is to encourage you to hang in there and stick by it. You know what you want, and it’s to be happy and valued in a relationship. True love makes us act decently towards the person we love, we need NO training for this. Him talking about you behind your back is really appalling.

    Stick with it and work on yourself. I have an article about being happy in your single state. If you click on my name at the top of this page it will take you to it.

  163. Cindi Says:

    Dear Anne,

    This past March my boyfriend left me. We were together for 4 1/2 years and we had a really good relationship.We communicated very well with each other and he was always very respectful towards me and very loving towards my children. Always very supportive and trusting of whatever I wanted to do. We have known each other for about 9 years, he is a very nice person, a very good man. I love this man with all of my heart, he is my world.

    He started to become short tempered recently (not with me) but with others and has been very negative. He came home one day from work and was very irritable and he asked me how much money we had in the bank and I told him. He gave me some cash out of his pocket, which was not unusual, and said not to touch the money in the account. Several minutes later he said that he was going out after work. This was not the norm, but not totally unusual. He would usually ask me to join him. He got up for work the next day, kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me and left. …He didn’t come home that night or call. He showed up at noon the next day and said he was moving out and he left.

    He stayed at a friends, I am not really sure which one, so I had no contact with him. I would never call or go to his job. I was frantic. I was afraid to cause a scene. My teen was in a rehabilitation program for 90 days and the events leading up to this were very stressful for both of us. He left a week before she returned home. But, he went to all of the counseling sessions and the family meeting while she was in there. I was under the impression that everything was going to be okay and we were going to work on things with my daughter. Her behavior was his excuse for leaving. After he was gone he had other excuses, as well. It seemed whatever he could think of. Nothing directly related to us. I eventually broke down and went to his work and asked him about working things out. I told him that I loved him and he wouldn’t say anything. He told me he loved me and still does til this day, but not on that day. I asked him if he was with someone else and he said, yes. I was devastated. I told him I hated him and he got angry and got out of my car and left. I have tried not contacting him but he will always find reasons to call me. He may need help with bills or whatever. He called to wish me a happy birthday and told me that he loved me. I called him the next day and told him that I loved him and he asked me why??? He said, not like it’s a bad thing, he just wanted to know why I loved him. I told him that it was a stupid question. I said nothing more about it and before ending the call, he told me he loved me. He is living with this woman and they are arguing already. He always gets angry if my name gets brought up and if they argue, somehow the subject always ends up being about him and I. This is according to his girlfriend. She also tells me that she doesn’t think that he is over me. But, she stays with him. They argued over sex one night and she actually emailed me to see if he came to my house. I have talked to him about getting back together and he says to ride it out with him??? He has a lease now where his is and the lease is in his name where I am. He gave me a car and the title is still in his name he is procrastinating putting it in my name. There are ties keeping me to him and financially we cannot be together right now, as he has the responsibility of the other home. I know but the other woman. He says, it is like she is not even there. They do not get along…blah..blah..blah As I said she emails me. She does not trust him and does not like his temper and is concerned about his feelings for me, but yet stays with him. I truly love this man and I really honestly, deep in my heart believes that he loves me. He is very confused. Help. I am really confused.

  164. Cindi Says:

    Dear Anne~

    As I read back on what I have written, I ask myself what I am doing. You must really have walked in my shoes to understand the depth of the emotion and feelings involved in our relationship. We loved each other very much.We adored each other and there was a mutual respect and understanding. We finished each others sentences and if he was thinking he wanted pizza for dinner I would have ordered it that very same day.Things like that. We enjoyed the same things, he would make me laugh until I cried. We had so much fun together. I can’t believe this has happened!!! I say loved because I am not totally positive of his feelings, either is he, at this point. He was very tearful and felt badly for the break and told me he loved me during the whole split (moving out his things). This man showed me he loved me everyday that we were together. There was never a doubt in my mind how he felt about me. Until now. I can’t imagine that our feelings or his I should say, would change that drastically, overnight. The idea of mid life crisis has occurred to me. I am not sure of anything except I want him in my life. I feel that a part of me is missing. He is very unhappy and has been since he left. I know I can’t help him but I want to so badly. He is hurting and he knows that I am hurt but he thinks that there is nothing that he can do to fix it. I am sorry to go on. It is so complicated and if you knew us personally, it would change your perception of things. I know how they may appear. All of our friends know that we belong together and do not understand what is going on with him either. He told everyone how he felt about me, all of the time. None of us saw this coming……..

    Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to give your advice. I am so sad. I don’t know what to do.

  165. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Cindi,
    Your story is so sad. As a matter of fact, I do know how you feel. I was once engaged to a man who I was sure loved me more than anything else in the world. Our love was unique and special. Then he left with no explanation. Sometimes people like to keep their reasons to themselves because if they tried to explain what was going on inside, their reasons would make no sense to anyone else. Life paths take different turns and we can’t always understand why our loved ones don’t want to be with us anymore. Loving someone is not always enough to make them stay. Success and direction are equally important to most men and a lot of us women too.

    I’m now married to my soul mate. If the other guy hadn’t left, my chance of true love would’ve been gone forever.

    The first thing that went through my mind was that this man may be having a nervous breakdown. I had an aunt who had one and she did some very strange things.

    With the limited information I have, I can only say that he needs time to work out what he wants. He obviously has come to a phase in his life where you and the kids are just not enough fulfilment. He seems to be seeking happiness but has certainly gone about it the wrong way. Another woman was a big mistake, and I’m sure he knows that by now.

    I’m assuming that your children aren’t his as well. This can be a problem sometimes when a person has to act in a parental capacity for a child who’s having serious issues. After a while it’s easy to say, ‘What am I doing this for. This is not my problem.’ I work with some troubled teens and I can tell you that I think this all the time. It takes a lot of strength to see situations like this through. Maybe he also feels helpless because the child may not want to accept him as a possible source of comfort and healing. There certainly isn’t one specific thing, but an accumulation of different situations that ebbed away at him for years.

    For the time being, perhaps it’s a good thing he’s not there. From a professional capacity I can tell you that she needs all the stability she can possibly have at the moment if she’s going to recover fully.

    Is he younger than you are? There may be a story behind this if he is.

    Moving on, he’s obviously torn between his feelings for you and the life he wants to live. I think that while he loves you, he feels that the things he’s envisioned for his future cannot be attained if he stays with you and your children. This is tearing him apart on the inside. He has a difficult decision to make. Does he come back and wade it out, or does he stay away, live without you and attempt to achieve the things he really wants for his life. He has to find a way to marry up the two. I think he’s finding it hard to do so.

    The best thing you can do if you want to possibly have him back is to give him the space he needs away from you. I’m not saying that things will be perfect should he return. You may never be able to trust him again or you may decide in the future to give up on him. Regardless of what happens, your only chance of him returning is to hold the forth back at your home and have no influence in how he makes up his mind.

    If he does return and you decide to get back together, the relationship should be stronger on his behalf. He will realise that he cannot live without you and will have in mind the decision that he’s made without any influence on your part.

    Regardless of what happens. Here is a situation that needs hours of talking. You will have to find out what he wants in his life that he feels he can’t have while being with you. You will have to talk about how he will cope with your daughter being back home. Did he not expect for her to return? Was she supposed to be moving out? You will also have to talk about this other woman. How long had she been in his life? He couldn’t have turned up overnight and taken her to his place. He would’ve had to make these plans with her. There are so many issues to work out. Take a few weeks to take stock of what YOU want. Remember that in all this YOU have a say in what happens too.

  166. Cindi Says:

    Anne~~

    Thank you for your quick reply. J is only 3 and a half years younger than I. He also has children that I have parented with him, who would like to continue a relationship with me. For some reason, he will not let them. I don’t know if it is because of the OW or what??? My relationship with his kids has not always been easy for me and he knows that. His daughter and I had a terrible time, at one point. I didn’t leave him. We worked through it and now the kids and I are great!!! When he left he said that they would be able to visit. Our daughters have a good relationship and would like to see each other, as well. This is so very confusing for all of us!! I have decided to tell him that it is his decision to make and I will not try to contact him. This is very hard for me. I know he is hurting. He made this decision while in an emotional turmoil and now he cannot easily undo it and I am really not sure that he wants to. I don’t know if he thinks I am going to sit around and wait while he is with another woman. If he does then he is sadly mistaken. I will be brokenhearted definitely but I will not look like a fool. I wish that I could do something to make this all go away…

    Thank you….

  167. nicole Says:

    i am 18 going on 19 on Sunday and i have been with this boy for 3 years in June. people been telling me that hes been cheating on me and a lot of other things but i never seem to listen. lately hes been acting really different.we speak a lot daily but suddenly hes always hard to reach. he always say hes with his friends but when i speak to his friends they always tell me he was never with them. ive started to accuse him lately and getting really obsessive. my mom think that i should leave him alone but i don’t know what to do. he always denies every thing. there was one time i caught a text from a girl in his phone and i called her and she said he been trying to get with her for months but he denied every thing with her calling her crazy. i don’t know if i could break up with him he use to be so good to me. made me think i was his all his world. i just don’t know what to do.or even if i should follow these steps and leave him alone.

  168. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Cindi, you can. If what you want to do is get over him, you can follow the tips in the article above. Failing that, you can put your life and the life of your kids on hold, and wait for this man to decide if he wants you or not.

  169. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi, Nicole,
    You were with this boy since you were 15. By the time you’re 21 you will have found that your needs will have changed. Your goals may be different and what you need from a partner will certainly NOT be the same as when you were 15.

    In other words, you’ll grow up and find that you’re over the boy you fancied when you were a teenager. On the other hand, that boy will realise that he’s over you. For you, life is kind and it’s happening earlier. Sadly, the boy in question is not a decent one. He’s messing you around instead of breaking it off.

    I know that at 19 it feels as if you know all that you will ever know. (I was once 19) But trust me, life throws you so many curves that you soon realise there’s a lot more to life than teenage adventures.

    It’s so obvious this guy does not love you (anymore). Do you want to spend another 2 years being trampled on or do you want to raise your head above the dirt and prove to yourself that you’ve got worth!

    You can and will do it! This will make you stronger.

  170. Suzy Says:

    Dear Anne,

    Thank you so much for your very speedy reply. You have given me a lot to consider and think about.

    I have suspected erectile dysfunction could be one of the explanations to his behavior. I guess that is why I have given him all the space he may need while still leaving the door slightly ajar.

    While I don’t want to give up on him completely I also do not want to accept being a diversion, playing second fiddle or just to be left to sit on the side lines. I am confident that he knows who I am, what I have to offer and how I feel, I have never held anything back from him and he always respected and enjoyed that. I miss him, the void is huge. I valued our friendship but there’s no getting around the fact that we did go to the next level and I was eager to explore that option and he seemed genuinely happy with it also until it came time for the do over. Right now, honestly, I’m not ready to go back to “just friends” and obviously, he is not either.

    Although he has initiated some limited communication – it’s always public and always with a push/pull element. He has called when he knew I wouldn’t answer the phone, he seeks me out to talk to publicly but hasn’t made any attempt privately and he invites me into his facebook friends but has not communicated specifically with me in that forum. It’s two steps forward and one step back.

    Given our history of friendship and the fact that he is not trying to capitalize on some of the benefits he enjoyed during our friendship I don’t see him as a typical user/jerk. But I can’t help but feel demoted. I was his friend, confidant and go to girl and now his actions have made it clear that he does not want to go back to the way we were – he doesn’t want to share his work with me, he doesn’t want to talk on the phone, he doesn’t want to email, he doesn’t want to cook steak dinners, he doesn’t want me to do him any favors or gather his mail or for me to have the inside track on anything. That is the part that is so confusing to me – he let me in totally before and now I am being held at arms length.

    I know that he’s lonely – I have taken the time to get to know him in this past year and I know that he is reaching out to someone/anyone. He posts status updates on twitter and facebook but receives no visible comments or feedback. Watching him get no feedback, is the hardest thing in the world, it breaks my heart. But at the same time, I don’t want to be someone/anyone, I want him to miss ME and seek me out on purpose not just to fill a void. Part of me thinks I need to be off his radar – in order to be missed I need to be missing – but part of me doesn’t want him to feel I abandoned him. The flip side of the facebook thing is that he gets to be privy to what I am up to and I’m not sure I want to cut him off from that. But should I?

    I am nobody’s doormat and nobody’s fool – I can only meet him halfway – so I did go ahead and send him a private message through facebook asking him if he had gotten any more information in regards to the job lead I gave him that he had called and thanked me for. I also told him that not having contact with him stunk. He replied immediately but with just the info nothing personal.

    Although I can empathize there is no way for me to understand penile dysfunction and how it psychologically effects a man. He’s basically left me with no choice but to live my life as though he will not be a part of it because the only information he has given me thus far is that he threw me over for an exgf. I am certain he knows that I did not believe that excuse and that I have seen that he is single in facebook. His profile also shows that he is looking for friendship, dating, a relationship, and networking. He knows I see that – is he letting me know that he wants those things just not with me? Is he blaming me? Is all this push/pull meant to make sure I feel completely rejected? If so, it’s an awful lot of trouble to prove a point when I have accepted and cooperated with not having contact.

    I love him, I miss him, I feel sorry that this happened to us, I feel heartbroken if he is grappling with his pride, I cannot stand the idea that he may be frustrated, lonely or unhappy….

    Luckily, I get to carry with me all the awesome things he has said and done for me and the specialness and sweetness of that one night. The one thing that helps to keep the hope alive is that he has to carry all those things with him to.

    Suzy

  171. Candy Says:

    Dear Anne,
    I have been dating Anthony for over a year now. We were set up by a good friend of ours. It started off pretty casual in the beginning. I just started my own business and he had gotten out of a pretty long relationship. For me, having time for a relationship was an issue and for him, recovering from a break-up. Also, I knew he was seeing another woman too.
    After a few months we both realized that this could be IT. I made time for him from my schedule. He seemed 100%/completely into me. He even made jokes like”you should marry me”. Being cute of course. Neither one of us had been married because we take marriage seriously.(at least, thats what I thought)
    I bet you are wondering what happened to the other woman? = )
    I come to find out that the other woman he was seeing happened to be married. Not only was she married but a good friend of his. I meet her and her husband at a party Anthony threw. After finding this out, I had a hard time respecting and trusting him. How could I fall in the love with someone who could do this? I felt disgusted with him and her. I wasnt shy in telling him how I felt either. I was outright mean. We started fighting a lot and couldnt seem to trust each other.
    We spent a few months apart at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. However we managed to talk on the phone once or twice in those months. I feel like we have damaged the relationship with ugly words and mistrust.
    I know my fault was over reacting and causing arguements about the infidelity. After alot of over analyzing, I realized that everyone has a past and I love him. I am in a place to forgive him and get over it however I fear he has giving up on us.
    I feel like I\’m in a deseparate position wanted him and wondering why I ever reacted the way I did. I miss him everday and hope I didnt ruin everything. Please help!! I will practice your advice daily!! you have the best advice = )
    Sincerely,
    Candy

  172. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Candy, the distrust and disgust you felt when you found out what this man had done was your inherent reaction. It was the right way to feel as a decent, trusting person.

    Why then would you back step and doubt what is truly natural for you to feel? I don’t think you overreacted at all.

    The fact that he does not want to proceed with the relationship says something, not about you, but about his intentions towards a life alongside you.

    Maybe your outburst made him realise that you were seriously into a committed relationship with him. Maybe it led him to realise that you were reading much too much into your monogamous relationship. It could be that he saw this as a good escape route. If you said things about fidelity that he had no intentions of honouring, maybe he took the kinder way out and left you alone.

    Listen, if he really is in love with you, a long talk with him should clear things up. YOu found out such an awful thing about him and you’re prepared to forgive him. Why? Simply because you love him. If he loves you just the same, he would forgive the things you said to him because to him, this would be better than having to live without you.

    Have another chat with him. ~Find out where things stand and where they’re going. My guess is that he’s scared of the type of committed relationship he had no idea you wanted (until you spilled your guts).

  173. Candy Says:

    Dear Anne,
    Thank you so much I needed this!

  174. meg Says:

    Hi, I really need some help, Im finding it so hard to move on and get over this, it feels like my world is over, and part of me wishes it was over. I split up with my boyfriend nearly a month ago. We had been together for 3.5 years. I thought we were happy, he was always telling me how he loved me and how much he cared about me, I just dont understand it.

    I thought we were even happy up until the end,we had a flat and everything seemed perfect, I never saw it coming.Things were really stressful at the time we were both doing our final exams for our degree, I was stressed and vey focussed on working for the grade I needed, maybe I was blind to see what was happening, maybe if I had been less wrapped up in my work I would have noticed something wrong. Throughout the relationship he wold do anything for me, I was capable of looking after myself but hetold me he wated to be needed! So I let him do what he wanted, he would cook for me and do whatever I needed, even whilst doing the finals he said he would do anything I needed. He said he wanted me to do well and be successful. He even wanted to fill in my job application to make sure I did it. Then 2 days later he left me. I feel like that all the work I put in to my studies meant I lost everything else.

    It had been my brthday a few days earlier, he had bought me a lovely necklace, a card which told me how much he loved me, ook me out for an expensive meal and we had fun. That weeend we went back to my home for a meal with my family for my birthday and he was fine, maybe a little distant but no big change, he sat through the meal that my parents paid for and I thought he had enjoyed it. The next day he said he had to go and visit somebody for the day and would be back for dinner. But he never came back. At the time he should have returned I got a text from him saying that he coldnt do this anymore and he thought I was an amazing girl, but it was over. He turned his phone off and I coulnt get hold of him. I was devestated, I broke down and my family were left to pick up the pieces, they were all upset, they thought he was so genuine and unlike him, they had all been taken in, but no more than me. He said this was the best time, so I had family there and because it was the end of our degree.

    It turns out he hadnt gone to visit anybody, instead he had gone and cleaned all of his stuff from the flat we shared and gone back home to live wih his mum. I couldnt sleep or eat or do anything. I got an email from him the next day saying that he thought he couldnt make me happy anymore, he said hat this was a new chapter in our lives that we needed to do alone. He said he had run out of money so can’t give me what I deserve. His mum also didnt talk o me much and his family were a bit strange, his dad had cheated on his mum a number of times and they had eventually split up, so he said there were problems with me and his family that would never be resolved (even though I didnt care and just loved him and wanted him). He also said he felt we had less of a seperate social life nd he didnt want that. He said he still cares for me and wants to be friends but he cant give me the life I want and he wished me every success in life.

    I emailed back with questions but he didnt answer them, so I got the train there and turned up at his work. He talked to me andI told him all I wanted was him and that I was happy and I was the judge of that. He said he was sorry and realised he had been a coward, but he had just stopped loving me, he had been planning it for about a month. He said he needed time and to sort out his head and that he would still see me as a friend. So I left him, to have timeto think, only contacting to talk aout bills.

    I spoke to him last night on the phone, he was quite chatty and asking how I was and stuff and he seemed ok,I asked him if he wanted to meet up, but he said he was busy at the moment and maybe in a few weeks. Although I got the impression it was an excuse, so I asked him if he wanted to see me at all and he said yes. He said we can still be in contact but just not like before.

    I asked him what e was going to do in future, he said he didnt know and was looking for a job near his home, but at the moment was just doing a temporary job to get some money.

    I just dont now what to do, I cry every sngle day and hope that he will want me back. I dont know what I did to make him stop loving me, maybe it was something I didnt do. How could he have been planning it for all that time? How could he just walk out after the good times we had together? Why did he do it? There are so many questions going round in my head that hurt me so much, each night I dream about him? I just want to stop feeling like this and beating myself up. People keep telling me that he did a bad thing and I should be anry at him, but I cant be, I just love him an want him so much. We had plans for this summer and now they are all gone and all I have is to sit at home doing nothing but being unhappy. My friends are all busy and I just dont know what to do. My family have been very supportive, but they work so are out all day and must gt fed up with me. I just dont know what to do, I’ve even thought that it would be better if I ws dead, at least my pain would stop. I need some help, this hurts so much and I just think i’m going to be alone forever, I put everything into that relationship, it was my world, we talked about kids and he had even said last year that when we finished our degrees we would get engaged. Its all gone now. IT hurts seeing couples out and in love and friends who have boyfriends. What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here?

    Please could you give me some advice, I really need it. Thank you.

  175. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Meg,

    I have a feeling you didn’t try any of the things mentioned in the article?

    Your ex, contrary to what others have said, did *not* do a bad thing. He planned the split carefully, he made sure you had a support system, he did all he could to help you on the run- up to the split. He helped you with your studies, did your application form and was super nice to you.

    What would you say if he stayed with you and cheated on you? Years from now you will look back and be thankful to have had such a relationship at such a young age. Many people have to wait until they’re thirty to find such a committed, wonderful relationship. You’ve had already had one.

    Yes, I know it ended, and so be it. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. If I had to choose a relationship that fizzled out, I’d rather have a good one than a terrible one.

    People fall in and out of love. It was nothing you did or didn’t do. It was good while it lasted. I’m sure you had childhood friends who were your very best friends in the whole world. You grew up, you changed, needed different things, and those friends became obsolete. Not hated, just not needed anymore.

    Your ex seems to be a wonderful person. He cares for you, but just doesn’t love you anymore. Sad as this may be, it’s the truth and he’s been totally honest with you. Of course it will hurt. Of course it will take time to get over. Read the article above and try the advice.

    Your friends are busy? This is a good thing, is it not? Drag yourself out there and tag along with them. This is an excellent way to spend time with other people.

    I’m not going to say that you should try to get back with your ex. I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep seeing each other on a social level until you’re totally over him. It may take you a while.

    Just remember that not because he left you it means that he did not once love you. Cherish this love and this relationship in your heart (they are perfect for good memories)like you would a perfect holiday, but let them go now.

  176. lizabeth Says:

    Hi Anne
    Your article was the first thing I clicked on after typing ‘help get over him’ into Google, and I’m so impressed with your answers to people and your willingness to offer what sounds like really good advice. I know some of this is going to sound kind of self-absorbed, given that kids are involved, but I need to get to a place where I can be alright, so that I can help others if needed.
    I’m feeling so lost and confused and alone and angry right now. I can’t seem to stop crying; my story is incredibly complicated, and I only have one person I can talk to about it. (And she’s been great, but I’d like to get some advice or insight from someone less close to me.)
    I’ve been alone for almost 10 years, (up until recently), and for the most part I’ve been alright with that. I’m a fairly solitary kind of person, and while I’ve had several boyfriends in the past, there was only one that I was truly intimate with.

    Four years ago my sister fell in love and had a child with someone. About 8 months after the child was born, this man convinced his brother to move to our country (for alot of reasons, some of them medical). About 9 months after that, this man (call him B) convinced his brother and my sister to get married, so that his brother (call him L) could immigrate to this country. L lived with B and sis, in his own room, helping out around the house and so forth. B and Sis and her 3kids were the core family unit.
    I was attracted to L from the minute I met him, and I believe the feeling was mutual – we were very flirty and at-ease with each other. But obviously I had some doubts about what kind of a relationship, if any, we could have. About 6 months after L and Sis married, L and I finally became involved. We were cautious, slow, but everything felt so right – even when we were arguing it was fun and easy and stimulating. This man is legally married, but not, I believed, married in his heart. Sis still shared a bed/life/finances etc. with B.
    After a couple of months L and I became intimate with each other (only the 2nd person I’ve done this with!- not that he knows that…). It only happened the once, and after, through online chats and emails, he asked me how I felt.
    Meanwhile I’m also having a conversation with my sis, in which she indicates that there is a possiblity that something is going on between her and L. (her husband, not her partner/father of her child) But she is very vague and refuses to answer my questions, I told her about myself and L, and asked if she could please just tell me what’s going on, and she replies that I will have to ask L…(ok so my sis can be a little annoying at times!)

    Back to L: I told him how I felt about it (glad we did it/no regret) and what I felt for him (fondness/attraction/interest, etc.) and what I wanted (ideally, to keep exploring our mutual interest – I realize that we couldn’t have had any kind of public relationship given his marital status, and we don’t know each other that well; I want to continue to get to know him better.)

    well… He writes back that he thanks me for my honesty, and he wants to take the time to reply with the same level of attention. Two days later B (sis’s partner, L’s brother) leaves my sister. Turns out they have been hiding the fact that B is an addict/con artist. So everything is now chaotic on the home front, but L is still messaging me that he wants to/will tell me how he feels…he does this several times. Then he phones me and says he is worried about his email (as sis is now suing for custody of the little one), but he feels basically the same as I do, and he really wants to talk to me in person about it.

    A week later, I go to visit for the weekend; I’m planning to go see a friend I haven’t seen in years; and my sis informs me that L is sleeping in her room now, and that they are planning to move the whole family back to his home country as soon as possible. He doesn’t say anything to me AT ALL!! I couldn’t even enjoy seeing my old school friend (who is a guy) because I was so upset. As soon as I could I left, then I wrote L a somewhat angry/hurt letter. My bff encourages me to send it, as in the past I normally let guys go without trying to find out what wrong at all.
    To my surprise, he emails me again as soon as he gets the letter to let me know he wants to answer it. Next day? Same thing, he doesn’t have time…Next day? He answers it; he basically says that since he and sis are married, what goes on between them is none of my business. But he was really hurt by my going out to see this old friend, since he thought I was interested in the friend. (I have no idea why he would think this, I never said anything to that effect – my only thought is that my sis may have told him that I was once involved with said friend – but that was years ago!!) That he would always be respectful of me and my feelings. I am so confused!! His being hurt would indicate that he has feelings for me, but he’s now sleeping in sis’s bed, and… argh! I replied back that he still hadn’t told me how he felt, and that as sis was my family I had every right to be concerned about her, and that not warning me ahead of time about him being with my sister was not respectful of my feelings.

    He emailed me back again, saying he couldn’t answer all my questions right now, (they are busy with court-related things and moving), but he did say how much he enjoyed my company, that we would always be close friends no matter what, and that he still wanted to have that chat with me about how he feels… So what is going on here?
    I don’t know how to process all this, how to move through or past it. I don’t even know if that’s what he wants, or if he wants me to still be with him. I just feel so lost right now.

    But he and sis are now trying to present the picture of family happiness, mostly I think to ensure that she gets custody of her child. But now B (child’s father) has sued for custody as well, so they can no longer go back to L’s home country. I was dealing with this by holding to the idea that they’d be gone soon, and whether or not sis and L are actually together in a romantic sense, I wouldn’t have to see it. But now they can’t leave the country…. and i can’t exactly cut ties with all 3 kids. So how do I deal with this? I can’t not see him, I still have strong feelings for him, he keeps on indicating that he does for me also, and yet he seems to be with my sis!
    And my sis has yet to apologize, or even acknowledge that I might be finding this painful.
    I just feel so devastated. I can’t stop crying. Tomorrow is father’s day, I’m supposed to go with my parents to visit them – how can i, when I can barely keep it together? (And no, my parents know nothing about mine and L’s involvement)

    Help!! Thanks.

  177. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Hi, Lizabeth,

    L feigning anger at you seeing your friend is a way of trying to project the guilt he feels onto you. He obviously doesn’t want to bear it all on his own. This can only mean one thing, he feels guilty for having played you.

    He’s having a good life. He lives in a home and doesn’t have to substantially contribute anything financially. He’s bored. There is a woman – no two women.

    Maybe he cared for you, but now he and your sister are a family. It’s sad that you had to be involved, but the reality of the situation is that legally (and now emotionally) they’re one, and you’re the outsider. Any interference on your part would be most unwelcome and would seem as an intrusion.

    I seriously doubt that anyone planned it the way it happened. I think that this is just a nasty co-incidence with you in the firing line. You present your sister as a very unfeeling person. It seems as though she is bent on having L. He is after all, her husband – at least on paper.

    Have a talk with your sister and see where she wants things to go. She and you will have to make that decision, as L doesn’t seem to have a mind of his own. At the moment L seems to be seaweed, drifting to whomever shows an interest in him. He does not seem to have any feelings of his own.
    His brother made him come to the country.
    He let himself be convinced to get married.
    He went with you when you beckoned.
    He went with your sister when she called.
    He’s now been convinced to go back to a country he once left for good.

    At the moment he does not know what to say to you about how he feels, no wonder he’s taking so long. He doesn’t know what he wants. This is not the person you want to spend your life with. He will wake up one morning in the future and realise that he has a better opportunity beckoning to him. When that happens, he will be carried by the waves and drift over there too.

    The same goes for your sister’s chances with him. I have a feeling that you’ll be picking up the pieces in the future when he drops her for something better.

  178. Lizabeth Says:

    Hi Anne,

    Thanks for writing back so soon. Your insights are very helpful! It makes sense to me now why L might have been acting angry about my seeing my friend. And you’re right that he doesn’t seem to know what he wants (there are other aspects of his life where he seems to be indecisive too, now that you mention it!), and that isn’t the kind of person I’d want to spend my life with.

    What do I do in the meantime though? I mean I still have some feelings for him, and to have to watch he and my sister together is just so painful. And because of the kids, I can’t exactly avoid them altogether.

    As for talking to my sister, and her being unfeeling… well. I have tried to talk to her about this, numerous times. Her responses range from vague to flippant to circular – she asks me what L has said, instead of just answering herself. I love her dearly, but have come to accept that she is often very self-oriented, and at times manipulative. She encouraged my involvement with L, and now seems to be pretending nothing ever happened. She came with me when I went to see that old school friend, and she spent the whole evening talking about L, as if he had been her husband in spirit all along. (When she’s just broken up with her actual partner a few weeks earlier.) Even though she knows how I feel about him, and how involved we were, she’s upset that I’m not happy for her.
    I honestly don’t even know what to say to her anymore.

  179. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    You have to give time, time.

  180. D.E. Boone Says:

    Great advice. Remember, the best way to get over someone is by getting on with your life, and living it well. Keep in mind time heals all wounds.

  181. Lori Says:

    I have almost read all of the stories and responses. And I still cant find where my story fits. I just broke up with my bf of almost 3 years. 2 yrs 10 months to be exact. It was 3 weeks ago. We had a wonderful life together. Both had great jobs, laughed all the time with eachother, were eachothers best friends. We fell in love very quickly. We dated and two weeks later bought a dog and two weeks after that we moved intogether. We had been friends and hanging out with eachother for months before always fighting off our feelings. We were blissfully happy. His grandmother died very suddenly about a year and a half ago. After that he closed up. About 2 weeks after her death he decided to end our relationship. I moved out and back home and was devestated. After about a month of talking and trying to work things out he begged me to move back in and try again. I did. We continued on for another year and a half. Normal relationship issues ensued. Laundry and house cleaning and work stresses. We were always able to let it go and laugh about it. He bought his parents business a year ago yesterday. Once he was the soul owner he became very withdrawn. He was always working and I was always hearing from his mother that this was how life would be. We made sure to try to counter act this and spend our weekends together. We went away in april on our first big vacation to cruise the caribbean. It was the most amazing vacation I have ever been on. I fell in love with him ten times over. When we got home he pulled me into his arms and told me he fell in love with me all over again. On the vacation we visited a jeweler where he asked him to see loose diamonds and price them out. He told me that our next vacation would be our honeymoon. In June his cousin gradutated from college. His parents thru the party for her at there house. On the same day his other cousins wife went into labor (the two cousins are brother and sister) No one from his family would go to the hospital for this big event. They were too busy with the graduation party to care. The wife of his cousin is my best friend. She had an awful and complcated pregnancy and had asked me to be there when she went into labor. I was there. His family was very cold and mean to me when I showed up later at the party. My BF began drinking beyond his limits and flirting with a friend of his cousins…when I mentioned it to him he laughed and said he only loves me that she was the one flirting. I mentioned this to him mom and told her I felt as if the cousin was doing this on purpose throwing her after my bf. She talked to the cousin and said this was true. I left the party to go home. I left alone as his family thought it was funny he was so drunk and I shouldnt take away from his fun.
    The next day I got a call from his mother telling me he had kissed this girl and I should leave him. She was the only one to see it. That I should also have it out with the cousin as well. I fell into this trap and yelled at his cousin who in turn turned the whole family against me. My bf stood by my side and would not speak to his family. His mother called to tell me that she would make sure we didnt last and that I never saw my dog again.
    My BF went away during this to a planned golf trip. He called me every day to tell me he loved and missed me. When he got home all he wanted was to hold me and relax. Two days later he broke up with me. Coincidentially he was now speaking to his mother again. Since the break up he has become someone I dont recognize. He goes out all weekend and parties till all hours of the night. He is mean to me and tells me he never loved or cared for me. When I pick up the dog to visit he hugs me and holds me tight and tells me he misses me his best friend. And in the same breath that he doesnt want this anymore.
    Last night I told him I couldnt do this. I couldnt talk to him anymore it was killing me bc he was out buying girls drinks and dancing the night away with thema nd I was home waiting for the pain to stop waiting for him to love me again. He told me he wasnt happy that he didnt like those girls. I said it doesnt matter I cant talk to you anymore. He changed instantly into someone I dont know, saying mean things etc.
    Now I havent talked to him and I keep wondering when he will miss me…what is going on with him.
    Any insight at all would help. This is a man I planned a life with. We had names for our children plans for our wedding and dreams we shared togehter…I dont know how to move on or how to understand this in him.

  182. Lori429 Says:

    I have almost read all of the stories and responses. And I still cant find where my story fits. I just broke up with my bf of almost 3 years. 2 yrs 10 months to be exact. It was 3 weeks ago. We had a wonderful life together. Both had great jobs, laughed all the time with eachother, were eachothers best friends. We fell in love very quickly. We dated and two weeks later bought a dog and two weeks after that we moved intogether. We had been friends and hanging out with eachother for months before always fighting off our feelings. We were blissfully happy. His grandmother died very suddenly about a year and a half ago. After that he closed up. About 2 weeks after her death he decided to end our relationship. I moved out and back home and was devestated. After about a month of talking and trying to work things out he begged me to move back in and try again. I did. We continued on for another year and a half. Normal relationship issues ensued. Laundry and house cleaning and work stresses. We were always able to let it go and laugh about it. He bought his parents business a year ago yesterday. Once he was the soul owner he became very withdrawn. He was always working and I was always hearing from his mother that this was how life would be. We made sure to try to counter act this and spend our weekends together. We went away in april on our first big vacation to cruise the caribbean. It was the most amazing vacation I have ever been on. I fell in love with him ten times over. When we got home he pulled me into his arms and told me he fell in love with me all over again. On the vacation we visited a jeweler where he asked him to see loose diamonds and price them out. He told me that our next vacation would be our honeymoon. In June his cousin gradutated from college. His parents thru the party for her at there house. On the same day his other cousins wife went into labor (the two cousins are brother and sister) No one from his family would go to the hospital for this big event. They were too busy with the graduation party to care. The wife of his cousin is my best friend. She had an awful and complcated pregnancy and had asked me to be there when she went into labor. I was there. His family was very cold and mean to me when I showed up later at the party. My BF began drinking beyond his limits and flirting with a friend of his cousins…when I mentioned it to him he laughed and said he only loves me that she was the one flirting. I mentioned this to him mom and told her I felt as if the cousin was doing this on purpose throwing her after my bf. She talked to the cousin and said this was true. I left the party to go home. I left alone as his family thought it was funny he was so drunk and I shouldnt take away from his fun.
    The next day I got a call from his mother telling me he had kissed this girl and I should leave him. She was the only one to see it. That I should also have it out with the cousin as well. I fell into this trap and yelled at his cousin who in turn turned the whole family against me. My bf stood by my side and would not speak to his family. His mother called to tell me that she would make sure we didnt last and that I never saw my dog again.
    My BF went away during this to a planned golf trip. He called me every day to tell me he loved and missed me. When he got home all he wanted was to hold me and relax. Two days later he broke up with me. Coincidentially he was now speaking to his mother again. Since the break up he has become someone I dont recognize. He goes out all weekend and parties till all hours of the night. He is mean to me and tells me he never loved or cared for me. When I pick up the dog to visit he hugs me and holds me tight and tells me he misses me his best friend. And in the same breath that he doesnt want this anymore.
    Last night I told him I couldnt do this. I couldnt talk to him anymore it was killing me bc he was out buying girls drinks and dancing the night away with thema nd I was home waiting for the pain to stop waiting for him to love me again. He told me he wasnt happy that he didnt like those girls. I said it doesnt matter I cant talk to you anymore. He changed instantly into someone I dont know, saying mean things etc.
    Now I havent talked to him and I keep wondering when he will miss me…what is going on with him.
    Any insight at all would help. This is a man I planned a life with. We had names for our children plans for our wedding and dreams we shared togehter…I dont know how to move on or how to understand this in him.

  183. jasmine Says:

    am tearing apart…i love him so desparatlt n everyday i read articles just like this one to get over him…but i cant do so..am still calling him everyday begging him always telling him that i love him…n he says nothing ..he only tells me that am so blue n a dull person and that\’s not who i am…he treats me badly…its the first time for me to take abt it to any person…..am crying right now…i hate luv

  184. Samantha Says:

    I finished with my ex about 3 weeks ago. it hasnt been going well for a while and i was ready to end it. I have just found out he has been seeing someone else already, which made me have second thoughts about ending it. He is moving on and although i should do the same, am finding it hard. Reading this has given me a clearer head and helped alot.

    Thank you xx

  185. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Lori, for some reason, I didn’t get your comment in my newsfeed and was actually surprised to find it here today. Sorry about the delay.

    Your ex seems to be the kind of person who can’t stand on his own without his parents’ blessings. It’s good for him to want to be close to his parents, but not being able to make a clean break on his own (with you) shows that he’s not willing to be independent just quite yet.

    His mother obviously has plans for him to find someone (better) than you. Instead of encouraging you to forgive him after the alleged kiss, she told you to break up with him. I know some mothers who would hide something like this from the girlfriend because she didn’t want it to cause friction between the couple (I’m not saying that hiding this is the right thing to do, I’m just illustrating what a mother might do in order to save her son’s relationship – if she wanted to).

    He’s sadly caught in the middle. The fact of the matter is that you’re with someone who loves you but who’s torn between his feelings for you and his loyalty to his parents (mother). This is not a bad thing. It shows that he’s a loyal, faithful man who values ties and relationships. But where does this leave you?

    Here are your choices: 1.You wait for him to choose between you and them. In this scenario, you will always be unhappy even after marriage and kids because a man who’s from such a close knit family will miss them terribly and will blame you for his unhappiness.
    2. You try to get his mother to love you. But you can only be the person you are, and not the woman she has in mind for him – a person who does not exist in reality.
    3. You cut your losses and move on like he has. You’ve got to either take custody of the dog or give them custody of him/her. It will be hard, I know, but I have a feeling that you’re visiting the dog because you know that you’ll see your ex too.

    It’s a difficult situation to be in. It’s more difficult because the parties who’re actually involved in the relationship want to be with each other. Things always get blown out of proportion when multiple people get so tightly involved. You have to think of the future when your kids are visiting the grandparents and you’re nervous because you know they’ll come home with stories about you which are not true. It’s actually good that you have this decision to make now and not ten years in the future.

  186. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Jasmine,

    It’s your ex you hate and NOT love. Maybe as time goes by you will begin to hate him less. Your heart is protecting itself and is trying to heal. This is why you feel as though you hate him right now.

    When you start hating him less, this is when you’ll be getting over him.

    Do not project these negative feelings on love. Love has done you no harm and has not treated you badly.

    Whatever this guy has done, it’s him and him alone who’s responsible. See this clearly before you start seeing someone else because you do not want to take the left over pain into a new relationship. This will be a certain recipe for failure.

  187. Lori Says:

    Anne
    Thank you for the advice. Things just keep getting worse by the day. When I sit and think and remove my feelings from this situation I see all the flaws that are right in front of me. However I still love him. I love him alot. I just feel more and more everday like this situation is just hopeless. He constantly is now telling me that he never loved me at all and he is just outright ignoring me. I didnt get a choice with the dog, he had kept him and no longer allows me to see him? I just do not understand how this man that I see now is the man I used to love. It seems like two very different people. I know his mother keeps telling him that he is doing the right thing and there is someone out there better, but why? How could she want this for her son? I cant imagine that I was so blind that I missed the signs that we were actually unhappy? Two days before he broke up with me he told me I was the only person that he even wanted around. And then this? I just am so far beyond confused. He is hurting me more and more everyday with the things he says! He tells me now that from day one he knew we didnt have any passion?!!! And I asked him why then would he continue for 3 years knowing this and he didnt answer. Im so lost. I want to be able to not hurt anymore bc of him. I want to have the strengh to move on, but I really do still love him. Am I in a hopeless situation?

  188. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Lorri, you alone can say when you’ve been hurt enough. At the moment you’re causing yourself extra hurt on top of the pain the break-up has caused. No one is saying that the break-up pain will be easy to bear, afterall, this is exactly what the article above is about.

    Nevertheless, you’re evidently seeing this man every day (for what reason – I really do not know). Every day, he’s piling on more and more pain and every day you’re crawling back for more. ‘Hurt me more.’ Is what this says to him.

    When you’ve been hurt enough you will say, ‘That’s it! That’s enough.’ Then and only then you’ll let him go and start healing. You know that the more you hang on is the worse it will be, yet you continue to do so…

    Follow the steps in the article and say these words: It’s really over between …… and me. I’m going to let him go and get on with my life.’

    Wash away your hurt with tears, get off your knees and learn to walk again.

  189. Victoria Says:

    Hi Anne,

    Im really hurting over a guy I met over a year ago.I know, crazy..I met him when I was dealing with ptsd. He approached me and he, but I was still so upset and getting flashbacks that I wasn’t that nice- He told me straight out I was rude, difficult, intolerant(that on wasn’t true) argumentative. I couldn’t say at the time I was having flashbacks, but to be honest I have been a bit like that when I was dealing with ptsd. The idea that in some circumstances we meet ourselves halfway up the hill makes sense
    needless to say, I didn’t like the way he spoke to me(he sounded really annoyed) and I was still very cautious about men. This guy is a friend of someone I knwo very well, but I haven’t spoken to her about it.
    I saw him again and he said that his sister was the same (as described above) and that he thought her husband should pull her in. He was lovely the second time I saw him, gentler, but I was still hurt and upset and thinking that I wasn’t ready to date, but t the time couldn’t say anything.
    All in all not great timing. I emailed him later on explaining I was sorry if I had been all the above but that it had been a really hard time etc..He just didn’t reply.

    I guess I still hurt. I felt touched when I met him, but also I know I wasn’t ready at all. But I still hurt. Mostly because it is confusing. Was I wrong to be upset he go angry with me? I feel bad for messing up, but really I couldn’t help the ptsd symptoms, and was putting on such a brave face at the time to get through the day, which I explained to him

    I haven’t met anyone else, and not sure how I feel. Friends have said if I met someone right, it wouldn’t matter what I had been through, but thats not the point.

    I feel bad I couldn’t be myself at the time, I feel bad he got upset with me. I feel bad I could have hurt him, and i feel bad he ignored my emails to explain.

    I don’t know whether to let go, move on, or hold some false or maybe not false hope. I am confused and really hurt about this.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    Thank you

  190. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Victoria,

    It’s very clear from the tone of your letter that you’re not completely over the post traumatic stress disorder.

    You asked for my thoughts and here they are:
    My suggestion to you is to keep getting help until you’re completely healed. Don’t spend your energies focusing on anyone else at the moment. Concentrate on getting yourself better then you’ll be thoroughly ready for a relationship.

    Chances are that even if you get this guy now, you may still lose him in the future. In my opinion it’s better to talk to him then rather than grab hold of him now when you’re not ready. You really don’t want to run the risk of losing and hurting him and ruin any chance you may have had.

    If it’s to be, it still will be in the future. I wish you all the best as you heal and get better.

  191. Perla Says:

    I have read nearly all the comments too. Most of us seem to be in a similar situation.
    I am feeling devastated at the moment. Although I know I have no right to be. I am writing this in tears. I am just wondering if a therapist can really help me. I have come to a conclusion that I won’t be able to do it myself. I tried.
    I was an aupair in england. I met this guy in 2006 in a night club. I was 26 years old and he was 29. We dated 5 months. It was so wonderful, I had never had such feeling. I had butterflies in my tummy everytime we met. I was having some problems with the family I was living with and decided to leave them, I was gonna find another family as I wasn’t allowed to do any other job beacuse of the visa I got. So I said to him I needed to go back to my own country find the family on the internet while I am there and spend some time with my own family and have a summer holiday. He told me not to go and bear to that family. But I had to go, I promised him I was going to come back. He had fear I wasn’t. (He told me about his previous relationship that he was so in love with another foreign girl, he even moved to her country got a job there and everything but she dumped him and he said he suffered from it a lot and didn’t want to do the same mistake again and said he didn’t want to get hurt again. I was so sure he was the one for me and I knew I would never hurt him.)The last day I saw him he seemed he was so in love with me he was extremely nice to me.
    It was the second week in my country I didn’t get a reply to my text message. When I saw him on msn he said he decided to finish our relationship and didn’t believe I was coming back. I told him I missed him and said he didn’t miss me. A few weeks after I came back to the country to the same family, the mother asked me to give them a second chance because the kids missed me. When I returned the next day we saw each other in town, we talked he was nice but I felt a bit distance he was trying to put between us. He deleted me on msn list.I was so upset, my friends told me to write him a long letter how I felt, because it was killing me. In his reply I found out he met someone else already! He didn’t want to mess things up with her. He was also saying he had never been a person that met with ex’s and he said he learnt from his lessons and told me to do so. You can imagine how I felt then. I thought I was only a rebound relationship for him. We bumped into each other time to time in town and always having a friendly chat which wasn’t doing any good to me. I was pretending I was happy. I tried to move on too. I had a really nice male friend then. My friend said he had feelings for me, I actually liked him too before that guy I met in the club and I thought it might help to get over the depression I was having. Things were going well with him, but I was feeling down time to time as I got to see him in town. At christmas my new boyfriend’s family invited me. I wanted to split up with him cos I knew I wasn’t over my previous boyfriend. He asked me to give him a chance for christmas. It was a wonderful time I had with him and his family for a week. They lived another town. When I returned to my town people that knew me, said they could see a change on me, I was smiling now. It would be a new year and new page in my life. One night I got a text message from ”him”!! He was wondering if I was still here , he didn’t see me in a while and asked if we could have a coffee together. I wanted to say no but I couldn’t. We went to the cinema together, he said he could stay friends with me. I had 5 months left on my visa. I knew being friends with him would hurt me more but I accepted, I would go back to my country for good and never see him again. We met 3 or 4 times and everytime we met he said he wasn’t thinking to leave his new girlfriend but he was trying to kiss me everytime and I knew all he wanted was to sleep with me. I slept with him anyway. (By the way he was my first, I was 26 then.) I thought I didn’t have anything to lose as I was leaving in a week time. Although it hurt a lot to think that I was sharing him with someone else. After that last one I didn’t tell him I was going. I went. He emailed me a lot and seemed upset when he found it out. I had a long year without any decrease of the love I had for him, crying in bed at nights. I had a new life, new job. I was seeing him on msn so rarely. One day in my country I met a guy who looked just like him, he was italian too. Everything about him was incredibly same to the one I loved at first, as I got to know him I saw the differences. First time I realised I wasn’t thinking him any more. I was happy I was uffering. But my new relationship didn’t last long either, he went back to Italy. I was back in depression. Then suddenly something happened, that guy that I spent the xmas with came to visit me in my country.He was so nice, he met my parents, he proposed me. I accepted and we got married last summer. I love him, he is the most wonderful man I ever met.I thought I was finally happy again. It didn’t last long. When the man I can’t forget about heard I got married he contacted me he was devastated. He told me how he felt and how he regret about things on an email, he said he never believed I was gonna come back here and live here. He was so mean and upsetting in our previous conversations on mns before. I couldn’t believe it. I just bursted into tears. We wasted a big love we had I thought. I knew we ment for each other. He nearly begged to see me one more time. He was emaling me, stalking me on msn. I was married now and it was so wrong but finally I couldn’t resist. I felt terrible when I came back home. Since then I cry so often. I realised secretly I knew I was going to see him and I did and everything is over. I felt like I lost the reason of living my life. I realised I lived to see him one more time. We met 3 months ago and since then we were having nice time on msn, he was sending me naughty messages. I have recently decided to end this, because it is obviously not fair on my dearest husband. I have been feeling guilty. But today that msn I can’t take my mind off suddenly changed he did it before I did. He ended everything. He said it was wrong, he loved his girlfriend etc. he said I was playing games with him, he was in a fantasy world before but he woke up after we met. He has done this to me 3 times now. He has always been selfish, everytime I did a little step about getting over him, he appared back in my life. I am feeling so week and lonely. I can’t talk to anyone cos I have no right to, I am married. I love my husband, he is world to me but why am I not happy? I am just dying slowly inside. That man was the reason of my life. Thinking of him being another woman and starting a new family is killing me. I can’t find a reason to be happy about now. Is there any way out?

  192. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    If the man you said was the love of your life loved you as much as you think he does, he would not have done this to you.

    First off, he encouraged you to cheat on your husband knowing full well that it was the wrong thing to do and that you would feel bad about it. This is not love. People who love you want you to be happy even if it means giving you to someone else.

    Secondly, this is not only his fault. You are also to blame. You put your husband’s health in danger by sleeping with this man who you know is unsafe (he has at least 1 other partner).

    Pull yourself together and forget this man. There is no future with you and him. You’re feeling guilt. This is what’s making you feel so bad. You’re on msn with him, then you go to bed and lie next to the man who truly loves you. The one who moved countries for you. I don’t have to tell you that he’s the one suffering in all this.

    Move on! You’re wasting years of your life. You will be devastated if your husband leaves as he is the person who will give you the life and love you desire.

    We all feel butterflies. They fly away, but what remains is loyalty, self-respect and committment. You said that you love your husband. Prove it! You’re now grown-up. You know the right decision to make.

    Cut all ties and stay off msn for a week. Banish him from every address or any link you have. Do it now and when you’re finished, shed some tears for your dear husband.

    I know this is harsh, but this is the wake-up call you need.

  193. gemma Says:

    hi

    its been 18 months since i broke from my ex boyf of 8 years. he had lied and betrayed me and maybe cheated ( he has never admitted but there were always rumours and in my heart i think he had ) and i just wanted happy – i ended up sleeping with a female friend for 3 weeks and telling him weeks before we were due to move abroad to set up our own business.
    he ended us and we still went abroad and ran the business – it was a difficult 6 months and we argued but managed it and came home to uk and i moved in with my female ‘friend’ within 2 weeks i knew i had made the biggest mistake of my life and moved out and stayed with friends for 2 months before finding my own place. i also went out of my way to win him back – i love him i always have but he wasnt interested. over xma and new year i really made an effort to show him i wanted him but he wasnt interested so i said on NYE thats enough and decided to try and get over him. i then met a wonderful man in jan and started datin him – my ex found out and begged me back and i said no – he only wanted me now i have moved on. me and the new guy last 4 months but it showed me what a trusting relationship should be.
    when my 4 month relationship ended my ex of 8 years got in touch to see if im ok and we stayed in touch – he went back abroad to carry on the business ( which i gave all to him ) and i went to see him and all the feelings are still there but so are his lies – he still lies and they are normally about things he doesnt need to lie about. he tells me he loves me and will marry me one day. i am besotted with him i really am and i think i cheated on him because he wasnt making me happy and this girl listened and understood me – he didnt – he also wont talk about this and says im disgusting because i have had a relationship with a girl.

    he says when he gets back in 3 months time we should meet up etc and see what happens – i see pics of him enjoyin himself workin abroad and it breaks my heart – i cant stop lookin at his facebook daily to see what girls he is friends with etc… im goin insane.

    im miserable and depressed. i love him i really do but i dont know if he would make me happy this time ? i think maybe we have both grown up and it will then i think well he didnt before so he wont again?

    im lonely i havent many friends – im very down about my looks which my friends just laugh at as im a model so they assume im joking but i really am not happy with my looks or just being me.
    i turn 30 this year and whilst all my friends are settlin , marryin , havin babies – i am renting , im skint and im alone.

    please help me – i feel i cant move on – at least not until he gets back in 3 months –

    ;(

  194. gemma Says:

    me again – he has just texted me ‘ i must admit they are pretty amazing – x ur amazing too x

    it wasnt for me – felt like i had been kicked in stomach

  195. gemma Says:

    me again – he has just texted me \\\\\\\’ i must admit they are pretty amazing – x ur amazing too x

    it wasnt for me – felt like i had been kicked in stomach

  196. Diane Says:

    Thank you for the suggestions Anne. I very much appreciate you taking the time to comment on my situation.

    I wonder if you would be so kind as to delete my initial post – as I said, I have never done this before and feel a little wary about having my personal situation out here for all to read.

    Thanks again :)
    Diane

  197. Yulianna Says:

    Hello Anne, I’m heart broken, my boyfriend of 2 years had moved out of state this past April, we have been a perfect match for each other. Whoever knew us were amaized by how we get each other in everything. I’m a divoreced mother of a 4 year old boy that my ex absolutely adores and vise versa… last night i tried to call him at 12am his time and he didnt answer, so i figured he was asleep, but it was wierd thet he didnt text me or called me to wish me goood night ( he does every single night and mornin), i tried to call again at 2am his time (we do that sometimes) and there was an answer, not the kind i wanted to hear or ever imagined….. he meant to decline my call and mistaked the buttons answering it, i heard him having sex with another girl…. i texted him that i know there is someone there and i cannot believe he did this. I didnt sleep all night i was throwing up and I’m not in a good place right now. he called me this morning at about 4.30am and asked me what the text is all about, i told him what i heard, he didnt deny it and told me that he is sorry and it was the firs time ever. i guess my concern is that i would never find a man like him, he always treated me and my son like queen and king, never said no to any wish of ours. I’m trying my best not to call him or text him (he did many times), but my birth day is coming up next week and he got the tickets to come visit me in a week… do you think i should give him another chance? we really almost never fight, we know each other so well and we are each others best fried. do you think its wise if i dont contact him for about 5 days to make him really think about how he hurt me and then maybe make that call?

    Thank you

  198. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Gemma, sometimes my comments don’t show up until afterwards, it seems. I had no idea that yours were there and am so sorry I didn’t reply (I didn’t see them). Please write again if your situation is still the same.

    Anne

  199. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Yulianna,

    Didn’t you realise that the first part of him getting away was when he moved out of state? Sure, it was for a job or something else, but part of it was about getting away from the routine of the life he had with you.

    I have a feeling that you will take him back no matter what I say. You want to punish him but you feel as though this is your last chance at finding happiness for yourself and your child. It’s not, but you believe it is. Besides, you don’t want your son to have to get used to another man in your life. You want him to have security.

    I don’t know if you believe this was a one night stand or if it had been going on for some time. There is no way to find this out but to ask him. Couldn’t he wait just one more week to see you? He can’t claim loneliness for this one because the two of you talk on the phone. To me this is something more than just a one night stand because of these factors.

    You obviously want to give him a chance to prove how sorry he is. Feeling sorry about cheating means that he’s a good person. It doesn’t mean he still wants to be with you.

    I suggest you get to the bottom of this. Does he still want to be with you or not. I wouldn’t talk about the ‘incident.’ I’d want to know why it happened. I suspect you’re going to find out something unpleasant if he’s totally frank.

    Men cheat for different reasons depending on what sort of person they are. Only very few men cheat because they have no regard for women. Your partner doesn’t seem to fall into this category. His cheating seems to be about how he feels about his present relationship.

  200. Andra Says:

    hi!

    I am a 43 year old divorced woman, who had been dating exclusively a 43 year old man for almost 10 months. Yes, i am going to say the same thing almost everyone else said: he was perfect for me, and i for him. I’ve been around the block a bit and know what i want in a man and what i wont accept. We are both professionals, i have 2 kids, he has 1. We got to know each other well and had a fantastic communicative giving relationship. we did things as a “family”, we had our thanksgiving (last year) together and he went to my family reunion this year. I bragged about how wonderful he was and how much i loved him. here’s the problem:
    he just broke up with me, 3 weeks ago. he stopped all communication (we were constant emailers and texters) and told me he couldn’t handle me and everything else that was going on in his life. he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, then he couldn’t get into the reserves because of that. the military was his fall back for extra money and security. his job is not that secure. then his student loans came due and they garnished his check. I tried to tell him we could work thru it together, anything is possible if we work as a team, that i didn’t want to lose him, etc….but he wouldn’t hear me. he just let everything go. a beautiful, loving relationship down the drain. Please help me understand. I just KNEW he was the one. we are (were) compatible in every way. I am so sad, hurt and frustrated. I am trying to follow all the advice, but the pain is so new, so fresh, i can’t keep it out of my head.

  201. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Andra,

    I once had a relationship like that way before I was married. In fact, he was the one who said that we were made for each other and he could never live his life without me.

    Then he lost his job. Not long after, he said he couldn’t see me anymore.

    It sounds like your guy was happy until everything came crashing down around his ears. He felt he had to leave that failed life or fall to pieces totally.

    Unfortunately, you were part of that life. It’s difficult for many men to piece together individual parts of a whole and think in a multi-faceted way. Women would probably moan about the job, get depressed about our health, worry about the loans and the children, but hold onto the relationship. Many men even walk out on their children when their lives are not working in the way they envisioned it.

    I know that this brings you no consolation. Your hurt is still real. However, if you look at it from the prospective of him leaving his old life behind (you included), you may feel better about the fact that he didn’t just stop loving you.

    At this point you have to head somewhere. That place is onwards and upwards. Your utmost responsibility is your kids. Shower your love on them, get out and get active with them and it will become easier to bear. It’s the summer, so if you can afford it treat yourself and kids to a mini break (a long week-end) somewhere special. This may mean staying with relatives in another state or booking a cheap motel.

    You need a different outlook and environment just for a few days to crack the rut. As long as it’s cracked, it will start to break and fall off you bits at a time.

  202. Andra Says:

    hi Anne,

    …I just don’t understand, though, how a person can just leave a whole way of life behind….it just makes no sense to me how a man could leave a great woman, someone who they said made their life complete, who said that i was the bright spot in everything and who enjoyed every aspect of our relationship….it’s one of those things where i can’t rectify it in my own head, and that makes it that much harder for me to deal with. I’ve accepted that its over, but being the type of person i am, i like to try and understand things and i need a reason. he never gave me a reason. just that he had to come to terms with his life and God’s will for it. well guess what, Anne? he had told me some months ago that God wanted us to be together! Aint that the straw that broke the camel’s back?
    Anne, I am not having a problem getting over it. I’m sad, I miss him….but my main problem is “WHY COULDN’T HE TRY TO MAKE IT WORK”? did i have a man that just didn’t want to put the effort in? was it so much pressure that he just dropped everything? and what do you do when you let everything go?

    thank you for listening. he was everything i wanted. I am sometimes afraid i’ll never find another man like him. but my kids come first, and i’ll be concentrating on them.

    good luck to everyone going thru what i am going thru.

    Andra

  203. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Andra,

    I totally understand. Way back when, I felt exactly the same way. The problem is that *he* does not know why he’s dropped everything. How can he make you understand when he’s so confused himself?

    You know we’ve heard about things over which we have no control? This is one of them. It’s difficult to come to terms with something for which you’ve not been given closure. You just have to accept that it was a great relationship and you were happy while it lasted. You brought each other love, companionship, and happiness. Hold this in your heart and cherish it because I have a feeling you’ll never understand why he left.

    At 43, you’re still young. In today’s age that’s a 30. You will find love and then you’ll wonder why it took you so long. Hang in there. If he couldn’t share his pain with you, he doesn’t deserve the heartache you’re putting yourself through trying to figure him out.

  204. carmel Says:

    i appreciate all the advise but im just not strong enough to do this i just dont have it in me, i just feel ill all the time and thers nothing ican do about it… its over and between us so its all over for me… its just to hard

  205. Andra Says:

    Carmel,
    please know that it will get better….Anne is very true with everything she’s said, and yes it is hard, and yes you feel sick and lonely and hurt and devastated. I know cause i still feel that way, but time does help. don’t give up, you’re probably younger than i am and haven’t experienced all the wonderful things in life that are out there and something will come along and bring you out of your funk. Trust me and everyone else who read your post and is saying the same thing.

  206. loserchaos Says:

    Hi Anne,

    We were married for less than a year and we have a 9 month olf baby girl. He left us because he can’t handle the pressure and stress of being a family guy. He said this is not the way he wants to live. We’ve been separated for four months now and we text from time to time but only because he still needs to give child support and we only talk about finances. How will i ever get over him if we have a baby together and communication cannot be completely cut off? I will be moving in to a new flat next month and i am planning not to let him visit our baby inside my place but rather he will have to meet the nanny and the baby at some neutral place, say the mall. He objected with this setup and he said he wanted to visit the baby inside our residence. I still love him but i am trying my best not to show it anymore. I am cold when i reply to his texts and i do not look at him at all if he comes and visit his daughter to our current place. How can i get over him if i cannot banish him from my life completely? We don’t have divorce in my country so i am stuck with him for life as his wife even if we’re separated.

  207. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Loserchaos,

    How terribly awful for you. Not only is he a coward, he’s a coward who has no heart at all.

    He obviously knows how hard it is for you to look after a baby on your own then have to deal with him in and out of your life. Seek legal advice on this. As long as you have custody of the child (the child lives with you full time), and you’re allowing him to see her, I think that *you* can say how these visitations are made – not him.

    I wouldn’t pretend to know the laws of the area in which you live, but I think that you could be protected against his constant violation of your privacy. Seek free legal advice from the family court in your area. They can help you kick him out of your life for good.

  208. Andra Says:

    Anne,

    i don’t know who all else is having the same problems as I am, but i find myself having trouble late at night….thoughts popping into my head of the good times and that makes me so miserable. My kids are gone on a 2 week visitation with their father/grandparents, so the house is quiet and lonely. i am keeping busy, but talking about it helps me feel better thru this forum. Also, having you respond helps me deal and see things in another light. please give me so comforting words to help get me thru this time.

  209. Loserchaos Says:

    Thanks Anne.
    I already had my lawyer draft the child support and visitation contract.
    Yes, he is a very selfish guy.You have no idea how he verbally abused me before he left that i even went to a therapist just so i can get a grip on things. He once said that he doesnt want to have anything to do with me. He doesnt care about our marriage and he has a lot of things he wants to do with his life. This wasn’t my choice either. He got me knocked up and we got married. He told me that i ruined his life. How is this even possible? Anyway, i profusely begged him to stay but he was decided to leave. He said our baby’s gonna be fine, he’ll give financial support anyway.
    I am a working mom so can you believe the stress i have to go through. Juggling between home and work and now this emotional stress. He obviously didn’t give me any credit. It was always him who is stressed, pressured,etc. I don’t even pressure him financially because being a working parent myself, we split all the bills half-half.
    I don’t know what i got myself into really. I am just thankful that i have this wonderful daughter who keeps me strong and smiling each day.
    I don’t get him. He said he doesnt want to have anything to do with me but recently he has been asking the nanny some questions. I don’t know if he’s stalking or what but he seems to know that i have not been going to work lately ( i took some vacation leave to rest). He asked the nanny why i havent been going to work.
    I am really tired emotionally and physically. You have no idea what it feels like to be abandoned by your husband when you still have a very very young baby. All dreams came crashing down and you suddenly feel all alone.And you feel really bad for your daughter cuz she will grow up without a father.
    I hope there are better things to come.

  210. loserchaos Says:

    Hi Anne,
    I would like to quote one of your previous replies and this could not be more true.

    “I once had a relationship like that way before I was married. In fact, he was the one who said that we were made for each other and he could never live his life without me.

    Then he lost his job. Not long after, he said he couldn’t see me anymore.

    It sounds like your guy was happy until everything came crashing down around his ears. He felt he had to leave that failed life or fall to pieces totally.

    Unfortunately, you were part of that life. It’s difficult for many men to piece together individual parts of a whole and think in a multi-faceted way. Women would probably moan about the job, get depressed about our health, worry about the loans and the children, but hold onto the relationship. Many men even walk out on their children when their lives are not working in the way they envisioned it.”

    Same thing happened to me. He said this is not the kind of life he wants and dreams to live so he left. There are no room for marital problems and pressures for him apparently. It has to be all bliss.

  211. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    LC, it doesn’t do you any good for me to say that this will make you stronger and more prepared for your next relationship (you’ll be able to read the ‘loser’ signs). I’ll say it anyway because it’s true.

    Maybe your ex is asking questions because even though he doesn’t want the family thing, he still *does* want to control what you do. Don’t allow him to do this. You have to fight for your personal freedom. You’re entitled to at least this. You seem to be a very strong person holding on when many would’ve given up. Good on you for doing that. Let your daughter’s smiles continue to be the propeller behind your reasons for hanging on.

    It was unfortunate that you had to get married to this man. Things like that aren’t reversible. The only thing you can do now is look to the future. I know you said there was no divorce in your country. I don’t know how you’ll get around that, but I’m sure there is a way.

  212. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Andra, remembering the good times is a good sign even if it makes you miserable.

    It’s a sign that your mind is ready to move on. It’s trying to keep a record of the good times of the relationship to store this for future reference.

    You will cherish the relationship as you move on. This will only be a good thing because it will mean peace and acceptance in your heart. You don’t want to live in bitterness and pain like a lot of people do after they’ve ended a relationship, do you? It’s not good for the soul.

    The misery will get easier as time goes on.

  213. yuliana Says:

    Anne, its Yuliana again… i know its been a while since you wrote back to answer my question, but i must say that i did not take him back, as a matter of fact i have not spoken to him since the 19th when he called to wish me a happy birthday. I told him that i could never forgive him and that we should move on…. one more thing, he did not move away from our relationship, i know that for a fact! we were crazy in love and had an amazing relationship with almost no fights and problems. He is a very successful bussinessman and his work was the forcing him to relocate, and after he settled in i was going to move out there as well. I believe that the reason he cheated was just a physical need and nothing more than that. He knows he lost a great person and he is in pain. but to all tha women out there i just want to say that time heals everything, just wait and see the good things in life will come…. love should not hurt or be hard to handle, it should be natural.

  214. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    KC,

    I’m not really sure of what you want from all this.

    My first thought was to advice you to get some tests done to sort out your physical health situation, and I’m glad to see that you’ve made plans to do so. It’s not normal to suffer with yeast infections so often and for so long. You may need specialist care in that regard.

    In reference to your relationship, it seems that both parties have issues in their own private lives to tend to. Your ex has sadly got far too much on his plate at the moment it seems. When you take his frame of mind and history of depression into consideration, it makes sense that maybe you should both put this on hold and get these things straightened out first.

    Once you’ve spent the time needed to work the other things through, the state of the relationship and what needs to be done (on both sides) will become clearer.

    I think that for you, this may be a point of settling down and taking stock. I think that a break from the relationship (the intimate part, at least) will be good for both of you. Why don’t you have a talk with him about this with a view to meeting again in about 3 months’ time to see what you both want. I suspect the last thing you both need is angst in your lives.

    The thing is, you can’t turn back the clock. I’m guessing here, but maybe your drunken outburst wasn’t the first of its kind? If it wasn’t, then the relationship may not be as good for you as you *need* it to be.

  215. KC Says:

    Thanks for the advice Anne.

    I see what you’re saying but my drunken outburst was the first of it’s kind, completely out of the blue and I will never understand why it happened, nor will I ever get over the shame and pain that I caused him.

    I would love to talk to him but I am trying my hardest not to text or phone him. When he ended the relationship he said that it was final so the suggestion of speaking to him in a month or three months time would not be acceptable to him.

    I guess that I’m really hoping that over time he will make contact, and then I’d know for sure how he feels about me. I just feel so rejected and hurt that he doesn’t want my support or me in his life anymore, but you’re right there is so much angst at the moment it is not doing either of us any good.

  216. KC Says:

    Hi Anne,

    Sorry for writing again. I saw my ex last night as I needed to collect the rest of my stuff from his house. It was extremely difficult, but we both said how natural we feel when we are together.

    We talked for a couple of hours and he said that he had missed me, cared for me deeply and would always love me. When I asked if we could resume the relationship and he said he doesn’t want to go backwards and only wants to move forwards.

    I explained that I am finding it very difficult to move on because I know the extent of his feelings for me. He has not met anyone new, has not got back with his ex girlfriend and does love me but the pain and worry that I caused him that night when I did all those awful things has eaten away at him and has left him feeling numb inside.

    He explained that after his disastrous marriage he built a brick wall around him to protect his feelings and emotions and did not start to remove those bricks until I came into his life. He was married very young, at the age of 19 and in their naivety it was just something they both thought should be done; the next step on the ladder of life. He had never asked anyone to live with him and the idea of asking me made him very excited and hopeful for the future. He said he saw us continuing to do all the lovely things that we did when we were together, making a home together (his home used to be just a house to him, but he said it was starting to become a home with me in his life) and even moving abroad together when we were older.

    So, my actions that night have destroyed all his dreams (and mine) and he can’t see a future for us anymore. He has rebuilt the wall around him. I am feeling so much guilt and pain – the pain of losing him and the pain of knowing my drunken actions made him think that he could lose his family, his everything. The burden of this guilt is too much to bear. I have lost everything that I believed in and feel empty and dead inside.

    He is managing to move on and it hurts. Why can’t I? If he didn’t love me anymore I could understand, but I think that if you love someone you work through the bad times and fight for what you believe in.

    I think about him constantly. I miss looking into his eyes and talking to him, the things we shared together, or just being with him. I don’t know how I can move forward or how to find the strength to get through this.

  217. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear KC,

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you said towards the end of your message, ‘if you love someone you work through the bad times.’ Of course it’s stupid to stay with someone who continues to let you down, but if someone got drunk once and made a fool of themself, you would forgive them.

    If that mistake is bigger (cheating, abuse etc) one would be expected to run off without taking a second look back. One drunken night though, is easy to forgive in my book. This is the reason I first thought that you had not revealed the entire story.

    You’ve maintained that this was just one night. If this is true, then I’m sad to say that I think this man was waiting for a reason to walk out and you gave him one. There is no other explanation. If you tried to strangle him or slept with someone else, I can understand his turnaround. However, for being a bit inconsiderate and drunk, you shouldn’t be punished in this way.

    The bottom line is this. Either you’re not letting on all that happened, or that this man was waiting for you to slip up so that he could leave. Regardless of which of the two it is, you have no alternative but to move on with your life as well.

    Please see the advice and tips given in the article above, and do them. They really do work. After that, here is another you should read. http://beyondjane.com/relationships/single-work-it-to-your-advantage/
    It will help you to move on with your own life. That time seems to have come for you.

  218. sasha aleen Says:

    hi jane. my ex and i were best friends before we got into a relationship… i was madly in love with him and was devastated when the relationship didn’t work out. we said that we would remain as best friends but i still love him. he already has moved on to a new girl and every time i see them together my heart sinks. i keep wondering how it was so easy for him to move on and fall so madly in love with this new girl even though its only been 5 months since we broke up. i love him so much and i don’t know wat to do.

  219. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Sasha,

    You’re both young. As I’ve said lots of times before, not all relationships are built to, or supposed to last. If they did, we’ll all still be with our very first, arrogant, silly first boyfriends, right?

    This one has run its course. Be sensible and move on like your ex has. After the relationship he’s now in has run *its* course, he’ll be moving on again. That’s youth, that’s life, that’s young relationships. It’s what they’re all like.

    You’ll get over him. Use the tips in the article above. In life, we can love many people at different times. We keep on changing, so we keep on needing and wanting different things in relationships. A year from now you’ll need something else from a relationship other than what your ex could’ve provided.

  220. Liz Says:

    Hi Anne, It’s obvious from the posts here that you’ve helped a lot of people. You must have a kind heart to do this without asking for anything back. I hate to trouble you but I have to ask.

    I’m 39 and recently was engaged to be married. I had previously been married for 7 years. Finding a man, having a family just seems to be slipping away from me. I met someone this year that I fell very hard for. I loved him dearly. I could talk to him forever and never get tired. He was the most interesting, fascinating man I ever met.

    I come from a traditional background. So we never had a physical relationship. It was always very honorable. It also means that we don’t date for a lengthy period before making a commitment.

    About 2 months in, I started to notice little things that upset me. As an example, he didn’t call me for several days after I made a cross country trip to see him. I asked him why. He wouldn’t apologize about it. Refused to say “i’m sorry” and instead was defensive and said I should assume that I’m understood. When I said I felt like he didn’t care, he said that was like putting a knife is his heart as he was a sensitive guy. I just needed some verbal acknowledgement to know I was understood.

    I don’t want to elaborate on every example. There are probably half a dozen more. Nothing terrible but little things that made me feel like he didn’t care about my feelings. I knew in my gut that something wasn’t feeling right. The last night we ever spoke, we had debate about sharing religious knowledge with others of our faith. I was cautioning him to be careful as I knew my friends probably wouldn’t appreciate it. The discussion lasted 30 or 40 minutes. He was clearly frustrated said he was tired and was going to bed.

    I decided not to call him because I really needed him to call me. But it was my turn to call him.I was also packing my apartment and moving to be with him. I just needed to know that he cared about me. He never called and I finally broke down and did.

    He didn’t reply and I called his family as I was concerned if he was OK. I received the email that I attached below. I was devastated by the cold tone. After which, I sent him an email to express my feelings. I told him I was hurt and why. It wasn’t just this last incident. I didn’t explicity say it was over but I said I deserved better. He never replied back and the break up was sort of implicit.

    In my heart of hearts, I wanted him to fight for me and try. I wanted him to care that he hurt me. But he didn’t
    We never spoke again. I really need closure. I know it’s over but I still love him so very much. I just wanted some compassion from him. I emailed him to say I wanted to talk and he said our combination caused friction and we want different things. It’s not true though. I wanted what he wanted. I just needed him to have some empathy and look at things from perspective.

    I was hurt so badly from this. I was traveling all over the place to see him. I worried and prayed for him through health issues. I learned to cook his favorite things so I could greet him from work. I supported him through life issues that he was tackling. There was much more.

    I can’t accept that he’s a jerk. There was so much about him that was kind. I don’t know if he knew what he wanted. Even if we’re not made for each other. I just need some acknowledgement of my pain to move on.

    Is it OK to ask for an apology or just some acknowledgement from him? He doesn’t know half of what I’ve gone through to care for him and the pain afterwards. Could a man like that have changed and if so, should I have not sent my email to him telling him my feelings that I deserved better? He definitely had to change for me to marry him. But I wonder if I didn’t give him a chance to.

    Liz

    ———————————————————————

    I am fine. Just busy and confused. Busy with work and therapy and confused on the 8 days lapse. No need to confuse my family – a poor choice of action in my estimation, surely I can take a few days to sort out my thoughts as well, I don’t want be perceived as lecturing anymore.

    Beyond the unpleasantness, I find this an opportunity to assess the underlying issue(s), obviously there are some. From my perspective, I want to be comfortable with what I am potentially getting into and based on recent interactions, at this point, it feels different from my previous assessment.

  221. Anne Lyken-Garner Says:

    Dear Liz,

    Boy, he’s cold.

    I understand the situation as I’m also a Christian. Sadly, being a Christian sometimes is not enough. A lot of Christian guys think that women should be thankful to have them because they’re the good guys. This is, unfortunately not so. They can lock their emotions in and be really cold and unfeeling. They’re so caught up in practising their faith (which is a good thing), that they take it for granted that this is enough for a woman’s devotion.

    I once had a relationship like that (before I was married). Up to that point, he was the love of my life and I felt I couldn’t live without him. We got engaged, but there were cracks in the relationship. I started noticing things I knew would make me unhappy once we were married, but I pushed them aside because I was in love.

    In hindsight, this was so unlike me and totally stupid. (Thankfully I came to my senses before we married). Whatever is making you unhappy while you’re engaged will make you twice as unhappy when you’re stuck in a relationship you can’t get out of (marriage). As a Christian, getting divorced is the last thing you want to happen. Were you to marry this man, you were pre-destined for a second divorce. I’m sure you can see that now.

    To answer your question, you were perfectly in your right to ask for what you needed from him. He should expect you to. That’s how couples are meant to support each other.

    There is one thing he’s right about; you two want different things from a relationship. He wants a Christian wife to stand by his side, be subjected to him and support him in public. This will give him a chance to become a church leader, a respected brother, and a chance to have the perfect nuclear family of his choice, under his jurisdiction.

    You want a romantic relationship. You want love, happiness and most of all, you want carefree joy (not worldly) and fun. He thinks that’s flimsy and not traditional or firm enough. You’re both obviously intelligent people. He seems to think that you’re inferior to him either in class, age, education or something else I can’t put my finger on. Why is this so, I wonder?

    In my opinion, he won’t change with you. In his eyes you’re already inferior, not worth the change in him (if there is going to be one). You have to accept that even jerks have their good side. No one is a complete jerk, especially a guy who’s lived a good life of faith. However, this kind of jerk is the worst kind because of the self-righteousness involved. They can’t see their faults because in their eyes, the woman who gets them gets a perfect deal.

    A friend of mine met her soul mate when she was 41. She married him and now has two kids. She’s blissfully happy and her kids are great to be around. Meeting a good person like this is worth the wait. I know you’d rather have 30 years of bliss with a great man, than 10 years of unhappiness with someone you felt you had to have because time was running out.

    He doesn’t care about your suffering. Leave him alone with his ego and his ‘assessments.’ Who ‘assesses’ feelings, love, romance and joy? Is this a business partnership?

  222. Liz Says:

    Thank you Anne. I know you are right.

    I guess it’s infuriating that he wasted my time. He reached out to me online (dating site). He wanted an “ambitious educated career girl” “someone who would go to the gym with him”. No mention of religion. When I met him the first time I saw this interest in religion and I thought it was fantastic, I like this.. I like someone with strong morals and not trying to sleep with me.

    The interest in religion for him started 3 years ago as a way for him to deal with his first divorce. (That’s what his father told my father when our families met.)

    Do people who become religious change so quickly? From moderate to more extreme?

    I guess I am taking this personally. Like I had no value, I was nothing special. He made me feel so low… I felt like nothing. It really hurts so much because I loved him. I wasn’t asking for much. …. all I wanted was a little compassion.

    Religion is great by me. I can’t comprehend how someone who wants to emulate Christ wouldn’t care about someone’s suffering. He also misled me with a false profile. I really don’t get it. I just wish I could make him see the paradox. Isn’t OK to want him to see that? How can you be religious and hurt people at the same time? If someone like him realized he was hurting people wouldn’t that make them think about changing. To truly be a good, pious person, doesn’t that mean looking inside yourself and improving and not having an ego?

    Sorry, it’s so confusing because I know many pious people and they are the most peaceful, gentle caring people.

    Liz

  223. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Liz, you’re right in all that you said about Christian men. 90%
    of the Christian men I know are exactly as you described. There are a few duds though, and I think you may have found one. The bible says that like you can identify a tree from its fruit, (and some of them never produce any, in which case they get chopped down) you can know a person by their fruit. What does this man’s produce say about his heart?

    Each person is an individual, so of course it’s possible for a few people to quickly advance from moderate to extreme. This is especially true if the *heart* has not been fully converted. True Christianity is not about outer rituals. It comes from the heart and naturally permeates the person inside and out. But of course you know this. It’s easy to spot this transformation. Faith has to be about belief. Faith shouldn’t be used as an avenue through which your life could be made easier or less complicated.

    This man is indeed a puzzle. He should care about hurting you (or anyone). He should want to change, but it seems he’s coated his heart with frost. You have a right to ask why, but don’t expect the other person to honour that right. Sometimes we never get closure from the ‘other person.’ We just have to decide to lay things to rest in our own hearts and move on.

    Things like this can eat away at us if we let them. You have a right to be happy. The good thing is that *you* can honour this right by allowing yourself to let go and heal. It may be the only closure you ever get, unfortunately.

  224. Liz Says:

    Thank you Anne, Just one last thing. Where do you put the love that you have for someone? Where does it go? I have it all here and I don’t know what do with it. Will it go away and will I ever not love him anymore?

    Liz

  225. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Liz, the love you have for him (like the pain you feel over losing him) is yours. *You* choose what to do with them. Love in your heart does not go away when the person leaves because that would mean we would stop loving someone when they die. However, love builds up, pain tears down. After a while when the pain goes away you’ll find that you can give that wonderful love to someone else. I can’t say if you’ll stop loving him. It’s not my place.

    Love stays with you and you’re free to give it to someone else. You see, this is why it’s possible to fall in love more than once. This is also why we can love all our kids totally. If the love we feel for a person belonged to that person, it would mean that after loving our first child totally, we wouldn’t have any left for subsequent children.

    I wish you a speedy closure with this.

    Anne

  226. doncella Says:

    i think your advice is very helpful, but it still is hard to move on sometimes. i was dating my best friend. we only dated for about 2 months than i was confused b/c i had feelings for someone else. we went on a break and i really tried fixing things with him to make it all work. i even cut the other guy off completely. i kept calling him for month and he would not answer. one day he called me and i told him he always been dere for me and i cared about him a lot and i made a mistake, and all of sudeen a guy that said loved me like no one before said got over me so fast. he did say he still cared about me and wanted to be friends but right now he did not see himself with me. i was devistated. i can not believe he got over it so fast. i told him i did not want to speak to him ever again. he just apologized. now its been 2-3 months our friendship is ruined. i just keep missing the times we were friends and we were there for each other. he changed his number and did not send it to me and than told my best friend he would call me.. but than i changed my number b/c i think i am still too hurt to talk to him? should i ignore him compltely? i don’t know i cant believe he just left me , all i did was be honest. i seem ot have bad luck with guys all the time leaving me and it just hurts a lot . i feel like i won’t find anyone regardless people are alwasy going to be like yes you will but i feel this horrible pain in my chest and i can’t explain it?

    what can i do? please help

  227. doncella Says:

    he also calls my friend to ask her how i am doing, and i feel like he does nto care anymoe after we been friends for so long .! it just hurts that to know you can\’t trust anyone. we always promised to be there for each other and that went out the window. we had arguments before as friends and we could not stay mad at each other for so long, this time its taking a long time. im scared to talk to him i have so much resentment in me.

  228. Anna Says:

    Not sure if anyone can help, but here goes. We dated for a year. As with any relationship we had our ups and our downs. Most of the time instead of talking out disagreements we would just end things, always in a very mature fashion like over the phone. We always ended up getting back together because we love eachother and realized we were being ridiculous. We would talk about how we need to communicate more. This happened 3 times. 3 times in a year may seem excessive, but honestly we never fought. The times we did, we broke up. Now realizing that how we went about the break up and the fashion we did it in was immature we would have another go at it. Always ending with me restating what I wanted what I needed for him to do to make me happy. Never really accepting any blame, never admitting that I could be wrong, that I could be doing something more for the relationship. Well we broke up for a forth time and although I immediatly had second thoughts, I thought this time I need to really think about. I needed to really determine why and if I wanted to be with him. Well 3 weeks and still feeling worse and worse about my decision, I finally talked to him. I mean we had been making idle chit chat over the last 3 weeks, but nothing of substance. So we had our talk I poured my heart out admitting my mistakes. He appreciates all of that but tells me it shouldn’t have taken this to realize that. He has had 3 weeks to convince himself that this is for the best. He doesn’t want to try anymore and I feel utterly broken. He still wants to be there for me, if I ever need to talk…Wants to be friends, wants to hug me and hold my hand and apologize, but can’t trust or believe that this time will be different. Now I know I shouldn’t look to the past, I shouldn’t regret things but it is easier said then done. I feel like a fool, I feel regret…why didnt I say something right away, but if I had I would have had the time to realize what I would be losing, I wouldn’t be able to truly realize the mistakes I was making, or how much I really cared about him. I needed that time to see what mattered most. What I really loved about him, what really made me want to be with him. Should I be mad? How do I get over someone I just realized means the world to me? Is it silly to think that maybe one day we will get back together?

  229. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Anna,

    It sounds like you have a volatile relationship. You’re up, then you’re down, in, then you’re out.

    Love is not a cure all. You may love someone, but if that person brings out the worst in you and makes you unhappy is it worth it?

    As I said before, not all relationships are made to last. Don’t feel like you can’t move on and look for love elsewhere. It’s strange that you want so much to be in a relationship that brings tormoil and unrest to your life. Why do you want this so badly? Are you thriving on the unhappiness this relationship provides for you?

    It’s your call. Live like this until you’re too soiled, hurt and bitter to care for anyone or anything else, or move on and start living your life again. What’s it going to be?

  230. Supposed to get over you Says:

    So it’s monday morning…I have to be up for work in an hour and 40 minutes but I’m not asleep yet. I just found out he is talking to someone when I just moved out 2 days ago. I’m sitting here looking up things on the internet trying to find things to try and make me feel better like how to get over him and not care. We were engaged. I know this is probably the best but it’s so hard to see that now He had alot of baggage like 2 kids and an ex wife which I have neither (husband) I mean and it was very difficult for me to deal with. I just don’t think I was strong enough for something like that I have always said I would never be with someone with baggage, I know it’s not a bad thing just something I can’t deal with. He treated me like a queen and was a great guy it’s just something we both had to decide on to finally realize I’d never be truly happy with him. He also could not have kids which he was going to fix with a reversal but that isn’t 100 percent. I feel like I could lose my job I want to be alone but I know that won’t help and the last thing I want to do is start talking to a guy, i just don’t know how he can. I wish I wouldn’t have found out. I just feel a mess right now. I’m only 25 and I know this is probably not the last time I’ll feel this hurt but I’m lost right now. I wish I could sleep this is just so hard. Does anyone have anything that can help me!?!?

  231. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear STGOY,

    The hurt you feel now is only natural. You’ve just broken up with someone you loved. Of course you have to expect some measure of pain, right?

    This is not unusual or out-of-place with what the rest of us would feel given the same circumstances. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to heal.

    You know he was not right for you. You did the right, sane thing. Pat yourself on the back for it. Most importantly, give yourself time.

    Follow the tips in the article above. They really do help. You’re sensible to understand that this is probably not the last time you’ll feel this way. This is practice. Practice hurts, but it always makes you a more sound, stronger player in the end.

  232. confuzed1 Says:

    what if we broke up cuz of another person (my mom) and we had been together 3 yrs, he was my best friend, more than my BF. I tried getting over him but after 3 weeks of trying to make my mother happy, we both want to give it a try again b/c the relationship never failed, but I ended it b/c mother found out i was not a virgin. We are both 19. I ‘m afraid in the future i’ll wonder what if. Should i continue on the break up process, should we get back together.

  233. Jane Says:

    My boyfriend James and i have been going out for over a year. I’ve cheated on him a couple times but he always took me back. But i suddenly decided to end it with him a few weeks ago because i felt the need to be single. I was doing okay the first week, until one of my friends told me how he was doing: miserable. She told me that James was really hurt and really missed me. That was when James and i decided to finally talk. We both missed each other and knew that we wanted to be together. So instead of getting back together, we chose to be in an open relationship where we can see other people but still be together, in order to find our connection and trust again. However, last weekend we got into a huge fight and he just left me crying to go see another girl. He didn’t return any of my calls or texts all weekend until Sunday night. I told him how much i missed him and was sorry for causing the fight. But all he could say was “I don’t care. I gave you time to think, so give me mine now.”
    I left it at that, but when i went to go visit him today after hearing that he was sick, he treated me like crap and didn’t care that I made the effort to bring him food to help him get better faster. He told me to give up trying because we are done for good and that there is another girl he might go out with. I had to leave because i was so hurt after hearing that, but deep down in my heart I still want him.

    Should I make the effort to try and get him back again or just give it up and move on? I feel like this time I can do be so much better to him but I don’t know if it will be worth everything.

  234. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Jane,
    Co-dependence is not a reason to be together. You two clearly do not love each other. You should obviously move on.

    You don’t want him, yet you don’t want him to be with anyone else. You want other men, but selfishly, you want this man to need you and pine for you. When he’s pining you’re happy. When he’s not and he seems not to need you, you’re unhappy.

    Him on the other hand, lacks self-esteem. He’s willing to be with a woman who treats him like a doormat. He agrees to be in an open relationship, just because he can’t see how he’s worth being loved for who he is.

    This relationship is heading no where. Both of you need to work on yourselves, your self image, your self-esteem, your ability to love, and get those things right BEFORE bringing upset to more people’s lives.

  235. Just-Dont Know? Says:

    Hi Anne,

    I just recently broke up with my FIRst love. We both agreed that it was in our best interest and want to stay friends. But i feel every time i see him that there is still a future and i cant fully get over him. I also don’t know how to act now. I’ve tried not to text him or call him but when i do that we loose all form of contact. I feel like the only time we talk is when i make the enunciative. I want to see him still and still have that form of friendship but am i being to available and to assertive. If so how do i still keep a friendship between us in a normal non attached way?

  236. tess Says:

    Hi Ann, i really hope you can help. I am 23, and my boyfriend broke up with me just 2 days ago. We were together for 1.5 years, and i met him at a time in my life when i was so ridiculously happy. After a few failed relationships i went abroad to work in greece for 4 months over the summer, and literally the day i came home to england i met him. It was like destiny, fate. He was the boy from the wrong side of the tracks and i was the girl to make it all better. We moved in together straight away and literally spend the first 6 months rolling around together laughing, and generally making eachother so happy. We’d always say how we couldnt believe this had happened to us, we had finally met the one. Inexplicably, after about a year together, he told me he wanted to to away travelling to Thailand for 2 and a half months, even though we had a flat together and shared responsibilites. It was very difficult for me, but he explained that it wasnt about me in anyway, he still loved me as much as the day he met me, but that he had to get out and do something for himself. As much as i understood this, it also killed me. So i accepted it, and gave him my blessing to go, in the hope that it would be enough for him, and when he came back he would realise just how much he missed me. Unfortunately, as much as i tried to pretend it was all ok, it clearly wasnt, and in the next 4 or 5 months, things became strained. Probably because i couldnt understand properly how he could leave me… us. I had offered to come with him, but he turned it down, still saying he loved me all the time. i noticed i was trying to be more for him, make him realise i was enough for him. Before he’d get in from work i would make such an effort, just wanting him to notice. – and i tried everything for us to stay close, to be us, but in me trying so hard to be enough for him, i lost sight of myself, and just 2 days ago he said the passion had died, and he had fallen out of love with me. He said that he wasnt the man he was when we first met,the man i had fallen head over heels so deeply for. And when someone tells you the passion is gone, and the love isnt there, there is literally nothing you can do – my only option is to move on but i cannot get my head around it, we were meant forever, it was something i never doubted. We always talked about our future as if it was a definate – and now i feel like my world has been shattered underneath me. When will this get better? i havent contacted him, but all i want ALL the time is him. Im scared that im not going to do this – and that something that was meant to be has died. Please tell me this will get easier. All i can thing of is the amazing, amazing times we shared.

  237. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear JDK,

    The answer is, you don’t.

    Do the things in the article above because they really do, and have worked for several people.

    Break contact. He wants to. Years from now you may be able to form a friendship. Now is certainly not the time. It’s not going to happen.

  238. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Tess,

    It does get easier. I know this from personal experience as well as professional.

    You’ve clearly got a good, clever, sensible head on your shoulders. I can read this from the way you’ve expressed yourself.

    You’ll make it. You know the score. You understand there is nothing you can do.

    Make it easier on yourself by accepting that not all relationships are built to last. The good thing about yours is that it made you extremely happy. Many people have temporary relationships (those not built to last) which make them bitter, abused, hurt, destroyed. Yours gave you joy. This is good thing.

    Build on this and know that someday you’ll meet someone else who will make you happy and will run the entire course with you. Later on you can look back on this time with pride, knowing that it was good while it lasted. Hold on to the good times, eventually try to release the pain. Time *does* heal.

  239. Liz Says:

    Dear Anne,
    I was with someone for 6 months…and although this is much shorter than most people, I felt closer to this guy than I did with my ex of 2 years. We spent a lot of time together and he told me he loved me… We were supposed to go home for Christmas together…and told his friends how he bought me this beautiful necklace for Christmas.. and was saving money for an engagement ring.. We broke up on Friday and I was completely blind sided by it… We talked on Saturday and I asked for another chance but he said no… and that his mind was made up… Then I talked to him Monday when I saw him and pulled him aside… and by the end of the conversation we were talking like normal again and laughing and such… He even asked if it would be too ackward for a hug…and then we hugged… I didn’t try to contact him yesterday at all… I was actually trying my best to work on getting over him…and then at 5pm he texted me about how he won a raffle and one of the things he got was a stressball with my clinics number on it… we ended up talking in his room for 1-2 hours… he said he broke up with me because he doesn’t know what he really wants and just wants to be single right now… It’s not another girl (this I’m a 100% positive about) He told me that he thinks he only loves me as a friend now, but did love me… By the ned of the conversation and when he was leaving…I asked if their was ever another chance in the future…and he said it’s quite a possibility…but I’m not going to say yes or no because I don’t know what the future holds…and then we hugged for like a minute…and he was like rubbing my back at the same time…my friend said that’s a sign that he feels uncomfortable…but I didn’t think it was…
    I do want to get over him…but I’m having a real hard time.. I keep wondering if eventually he’ll come back to me…can you help me?

  240. priscilla Says:

    this is some what helpful :)
    i just broke up with my boyfriend
    after more then 3years of being together.
    its so tough and heartbreaking but just like
    everyother women i have to get over this big step
    and except the fact that we are no longer together :-/

    thanks for this article <33

  241. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Thank you, Priscilla. It’s nice to know that my work is appreciated.

  242. angie Says:

    how do get over him if you work with him?

  243. berlizw Says:

    hie anne,i have a big problem and im afraid if i dont get it together i will lose everything that iv worked so hard to build.i am happily married,and have been for the past 3yrs withno kids.befor i met my hubby i dated this guy in college for 3and a half years.i was very serious abt this guy and at first he was very crazy about me too until our second year,he started cheating on me with other girls in the same college and started treating me like dirt.i stayed with him and forgave him thinking that he will change and i was so scared to let go because i was concerned about what people where goin to say and the fear of being by myself.this guy treated me really bad anne i couldnt even start writting all the things he did to me just to kill myself esteem.it got worse in the third year to a point that he beat me up one time when i asked him about his cheating,but again i forgave him.he was now drinking ,something that he had never done before.one day i sat down and thot about my life and what i was goin thru.i decided enough was enough i told him it was over.he came to me begging and crying saying he loved me and would stop cheating coz he did not want to loose me.i almost gave in bt my pride couldnt let me ,i refused to go back.i met my current hubby six months later.he is a good man,he treats me good and loves me dearly i couldnt be happier.me and my hubby left our home country and came to live in australia and all has been good,i did not think or contact my ex even once.last month i descovered from a frend i used to work with that my ex got married.thats when all problems started.i became so sad and jelous about the whole thing i dont know why.its like as if im rewinding my past and i feel as tho he has betrayed me or cheated on me.i feel so much hate for his new wife bt i dnt know her.i know i dnt want him back but i dnt understand why im feeling like this.i think about his marriage constantly and each time i think about it i become so stressed out and sick.when i think of the fact that he loves someone else to a point of marrying them hurts me deeply coz he never wanted to marry me.im asking myself too many questions of why he put me through hell back then after dating me for all those years yet i heard that he married this new gal in less than 1yrs of meeting her.when i heard the news i texted him saying congradulations which was mistake number 1 now i know.iv tried to erase his number from my memoy bt it doesnt want to go away i know it by head up to nw.when i sent the text his wife replyed it pretending to b him and old me to get lost n never text again.i got so angry i made amistake again and sent him really nasty texts cursing him but he never replyed and i felt like a fool.2weeks later i called his freind coz i wanted to hear if he got my sms and his friend told me hw stressed out he was about them.he is the one who told me that he wasnt the one who sent them bt his wife.i called him to apologise for my mistake and he accepted my apology bt told me tht his wife didnt want me to text him or call him.during the call he started flirting with me told me tht he misses me at times and started talking about our good old days.i ended up giving him my number and told him to call me once in a while behind his wifes back.i feel like a total fool anne.because of my insecurity about his marriage iv been busy digging information about his wife from friends who work with him ,i dnt know what i want to archive with this mayb im hoping to hear that maybe things are not goin well bt unfortunatly they are so much in love but its me who is miserable.and this is stressing me more.pliz anne hw do i get this guy out of my mind for good help pliz

  244. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Dear Berlizw,
    I see you do have a problem.

    One man hates you, he beats you up, cheats on you and treats you like dirt. You’re dead set on him.

    The other man loves you, cares about you and treats you properly. You’re forsaking him to be with your misery.

    I have to be honest with you and tell you that I can’t help you. It’s clear that for some reason, you enjoy being miserable and miss the hardship when you’re life is going smoothly.

    My advice is to get therapy. You need someone to help you find the source of your love for unhappiness and help you to release the hold it has on you. You know that trouble, pain and danger lurks where this man is. You seek it out and force even him to be nasty to you. There has to be a reason why you hang onto this bondage and your situation is beyond ‘bad relationship.’ It’s progressed to a lot more than just relationship issues and I’m afraid that’s all I’m qualified to deal with. I’m sorry.

    One thing I must point out is that your ‘troubles’ as you called them, has nothing to do with your ex. You were rid of him for good. This is all your doing now. Please arrange to see someone to help you.

  245. berlizw Says:

    thanx for yo responce Anne i will get help and will keep u posted on my progress.uv made me realise a lot by this responce.this for real is all my doing,u know what just by pouring out my emotions on this site helped me a lot.i have never told anyone what im goin through and letting it out relieved such a heavy load on my shoulders.and the fact that u responded shows u r here for us.i understand i need to get help on the core of the matter.thanks a lot

  246. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    You’re welcome, Berlizw,

    Please keep me updated with what happens. I really wish you all the best in this. Love the person who wants to make you happy. He deserves all of you.

  247. Katie Says:

    hi, i found this fairly helpful, but as i wasnt actualy dating the guy, i just loved him with all my heart, and he broke it, some of it wasnt helpful..but im about to go and make my list, and ive done all of the other things relevant, and i think the list is an excellent idea, thankyou :) / :(

  248. Gwen Says:

    I really hope this helps. I got so closely involved with someone for almost two years. Weve been seperated for months but instead of moving on, I’ve just suffered in my own puddle of mud. I think I’m finally ready to just let go and it seems like these steps could help. I guess it just depends on the person. But I have high hopes that I can get over him. Hopefully one day we can learn to be friends, I could’nt imagine my life without him. But I know I’m too broken up right now for a friendship. He has so much control over me. Jeez, I’m going on like a baby. Lol. Thanks for the advice though!

  249. Kate Says:

    Dear Anne,
    I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago. I the meantime we called and saw each other occasionally. 2 weeks ago I told him we should stop all contact as we weren´t in a real relationship anymore. The main reason we broke up was because of our age difference; I am 25, he is 46. It wasn’t so much of a problem in our daily life; we laughed about the same things, talked on the same level. The age difference wasn’t that noticeable in that sense. However, we had very different ideas about the future. After 2 years of being in a relationship I felt the need for talking about stuff like marriage, and children, but he didn’t at all. Whenever I would bring such a topic up he got all nervous, told me he wasn’t ready to talk about those things, and that I was pressuring him. I gave him 6 months to make up his mind, and still he told me he wasn’t ready to talk about these things. I would have understood for him not to be ready to start a family right away, but he didn’t even want to discuss it. I was afraid that if someone at age 46 doesn’t know what he wants in his life, probably never will. I broke it up as I need to be with someone who shares the same ideas about a future together, and at least is not afraid to talk about these things. The problem is, I miss him so much! It’s so difficult not to call or see him. I broke up purely because the circumstances were too difficult, not because I stopped loving him. I am afraid that someday I will regret my decision, and it will be too late to reverse it. Our love was very real and pure, despite our age difference. I really never felt something for anyone the way if felt for him. Did I make a mistake letting him go? Thanks so much Anne! Reading your advice to other writers does make me feel better. Kate

  250. ashily Says:

    this was real helpfull thx i had a bad break up and i could nvere get overe it. It was hard but when i got on this it helped me and now im overe it so thx a lot

  251. Leah Bell-langford Says:

    dear Anne,
    I had been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years when we broke up, it was my first real relationship, it started when I was 14 and I’m almost 18 now, I feel like I’ve spent such a massive amount of my life with him that we should be together forever. All I can remember are the good times I’ve spent with him, I even lost my virginity to him and this is one of the things that hurts most, I always thought we’d be together forever………. I hadn’t really seen the end of our relationship coming, we were quite happy, we’d had our ups and downs like everyone and I guess towards the end there had been more arguments but everytime I asked about it he put them down to stress as we’re sitting our A levels and choosing universities. We went on a break through the exams to try to focus but we ended up meeting a few times to talk and usually ended up sleeping together, it made me think we were still in love and it was just a rough patch, but then at the end of the break, he decided out of the blue that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and said it was because we were always arguing. He told me we should break up for a month and come back to it with fresh heads. The only problem is, it’s now only kust been 3 weeks, I’m still distraught and he’s found a new girlfriend already! Yet he still tells me he’s undecided and he still has feelings for me, which is leaving me with the feeling of being in limbo, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t understand how he can have a new girlfriend so soon, she’s the complete antithesis of any girl he’s been with before and I’m confused. I love him so much it’s all consuming, I know I could find someone else but I don’t want to. I want him back. But now my family and friends all hate him and say that I really need to stay away from him. He keeps talking to me and I can’t ignore him, but now his new girlfriend is sending me abusive threatening texts and bullying me and he’s refusing to believe it’s her. I really don’t know what to do, please help?
    Thank you
    Leah

  252. Kirst Says:

    I have been in a 3year relationship since i was 15 and im now 18.
    i am completely in love with this guy,thinking about a life without him is completely and utterly heart wrenching!i have it all planned,actually WE have it all planned but we argue and i feel like any day now he might just give up and walk away

    i dont want him too but sometimes i feel its to serious when im this young,but then i dont know how to be single plus i dont wanna be alone!

    help me what should i do?:(

  253. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Leah, I’ve said before in one of my comments that too many women are handing their responsibility of the relationship over to the man.
    Why is your ex responsible for the decision of getting back together with you or not? Why are you waiting for him to make up his mind about the direction your life should take from here on out?
    You’re intelligent. There is nothing wrong with your mind, brain, heart. You’re capable of saying, ‘This is enough.’
    Is this the way you want to live your entire life? Arguing with a man who is clearly not right for you. Breaking up and making up with a man who no longer loves you.
    Having to put yourself through tests to see if you’ve caught ‘anything’ off his other sexual partners.
    He’s already left you. He doesn’t want to hurt you by saying so. Someone needs to tell you so I’m doing that.
    He’s not a bad guy. He just wants to leave now. Let him before it gets nasty.
    Try the points given in the article above. Lots of people have benefited from them.

  254. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    Kirst, you’re not alone.
    I’m guessing you have friends and family. Spend time with them as I said in the article above.

    The answer is yes. At 14 you were far too young to make a decision of spending the rest of your life with someone. You will change. He will change. Then what? You will need different things from a partner than what he can give to you and vice versa. Don’t make it unpleasant for each other.
    I’m guessing that 3 years down the line these changes have already happened.

    Read the article above and try the suggestions. They really work. In the mean time, concentrate on your studies and the other things in life that will adversely affect your future.
    Some day will come when you’ll realise that what you feel now does not compare to the love you will experience in the future.

  255. Monica Says:

    I was seeing a man for many years and accidentally got pregnant in October. He ended it immediatly. I didn’t understand so did some investigating and found out he had been seeing someone else while seeing me. In fact he became engaged to be married a year ago but continued to see me. This information is a real shock. I am having difficulty getting over this since I know I will need to see this man for the next 18 years. His fiancé just found out about me but she decided to marry him anyway since the wedding is in 3 weeks. Help me please.

  256. Christine Says:

    I did it all wrong, and now I dont know where to turn. When my ex and I broke up (in October) I was devastated! My heart literally broken. However, I wanted so badly to keep him in my life that I tried to “play it cool”. I guess you could say that we are best friends now. He is closer to me then ever before … we spend almost every day together. He gets along with my family and my friends, and I seriously have more fun hanging with him than with anyone else. The love I have for him has only strengthened. I feel very stuck ….

    There is a whole long back story to us as there is with any relationship. He is foreign, from the Middle East, and has had a terrible childhood. “I am his family”, “I mean more to him than anyone”, “he loves me so much”. I cant just stop hanging out with him now. I’m afraid if I tell him this, not only will it hurt him, but then he’ll pull away. I feel right now that I NEED him in my life. I am so torn and so confused and so upset. I really just dont know where to turn. Is there anything I can do?

  257. me19 Says:

    its been 5 months and I’VE TRIED ALL OF THE ABOVE and still i cant get over him. i cry every night,he’s on my mind constantly,i don’t know what to do….
    and the worst thing is…i have someone now and i love him and all but i just cant get over the ex!!! :(

  258. cari Says:

    Hello Anne,

    I just finished reading your article and many of the above responses and I am really thankful that I came across this page. It has helped me so much.

    My situation is this: For almost two years now, I have been in a relationship with a slightly older man (he is 30, I am 24). We got off to a rocky start because we moved in together much too quickly (he gave me a key to his place on our 2nd date), and of course this lead to friction and problems. 8 months into the relationship, I got my own apartment and started to attend college. We broke up briefly during this period (for about a week) as we both thought the distance and suddenly not living together would negatively affect our relationship.

    This could not have been further from the truth, as our relationship flourished in our newfound personal space. I should elaborate: I believe truly that he has an undiagnosed mental condition, probably OCD. I am by no means considered a messy person, but most of our arguments stemmed from the cleanliness of the apartment when we were living together; for example, even when I had cleaned the place during the daytime, he would come home and clean for an additional 4 hours. I would wrack my brain trying to think of every possible thing to clean before he got home, because I knew he’d find something amiss. For this reason, living apart really really helped the situation a lot.

    Things went pretty well with their usual ups and downs until January of this year. The cleanliness thing fell into the background; every time he visited I made sure the place was spotless, and made sure not to make any messes at his condo. He broke it off suddenly, stating that we had “no future” because we weren’t living together, and he couldn’t see us living together again.

    Bear in mind, he is almost 31 years old and I am only his second girlfriend. His first girlfriend dated him for nearly 7 years before they moved in together, and ended up falling apart for the same OCD-type reasons as we are having trouble with.

    I told him I am willing to work through the problems; I bought several books on relationships and related subjects and went through them with him. Our romance was rekindled because he said he would never be able to find someone as willing as I am to work through his problems. We were even talking about getting married, and had looked at lots of rings together. He is a very sweet guy, but certainly not easy to live with. I have always tried to be very mild-mannered and understanding with him, but his temper tends to be very short, and we go through “hot and cold” periods where he is short and upset with me for no discernible reason; usually I just weather through these periods.

    Now, the reason I’m writing this post is that I became very ill several nights ago, when we were currently in one of our “off” periods. He came to my aid completely on his own; I didn’t ask for anything. He brought me presents, candy, treats and litter for my cats, medicine, anything you can think of. He stayed by my side while I was ill, holding my hand, telling me that he loved me, and I was all the while confessing exactly how I felt to him. We fell asleep like that holding hands, and the next morning he arose and went to work.

    I got a text message later that day from him stating that his “heart is not in it.” He said that there was no way he could see us continuing our relationship unless he “somehow got” his heart back into the relationship. Of course, I was devastated. I am devastated every time something like this happens between us. More than anything, I am very confused. I am not sure why his actions and his words would be so mismatched like this. There is no other woman involved, I’m sure, as we went through a period where we revealed all our passwords and phone records to one another.

    The only insight into this that I can offer is that he often suffers from “buyer’s remorse,” which means that once he ordered a product from the internet, canceled the order later that day, called the company several hours later to try to reinstate the order but was told that it was too late, and when the product by chance did arrive in the mail a week later, he had by that time decided he didn’t want it anyway and mailed it back for a refund.

    I feel that this is what is happening to our relationship, and I’m not sure what to do. I definitely feel that there is a “connection” there, as every time we break up he has an awfully hard time and cries just as much as I do.

    There is so much difficulty to work with here, what are my next steps? Currently, I’m keeping out of contact with him. I think it’s best to let him have his space.

    Do you think this is the last I’ll hear from him? It has completely crushed me.

    Thanks so much!
    Cari

  259. cari Says:

    Hello Anne,

    I just finished reading your article and many of the above responses and I am really thankful that I came across this page. It has helped me so much.

    My situation is this: For almost two years now, I have been in a relationship with a slightly older man (he is 30, I am 24). We got off to a rocky start because we moved in together much too quickly (he gave me a key to his place on our 2nd date), and of course this lead to friction and problems. 8 months into the relationship, I got my own apartment and started to attend college. We broke up briefly during this period (for about a week) as we both thought the distance and suddenly not living together would negatively affect our relationship.

    This could not have been further from the truth, as our relationship flourished in our newfound personal space. I should elaborate: I believe truly that he has an undiagnosed mental condition, probably OCD. I am by no means considered a messy person, but most of our arguments stemmed from the cleanliness of the apartment when we were living together; for example, even when I had cleaned the place during the daytime, he would come home and clean for an additional 4 hours. I would wrack my brain trying to think of every possible thing to clean before he got home, because I knew he’d find something amiss. For this reason, living apart really really helped the situation a lot.

    Things went pretty well with their usual ups and downs until January of this year. The cleanliness thing fell into the background; every time he visited I made sure the place was spotless, and made sure not to make any messes at his condo. He broke it off suddenly, stating that we had “no future” because we weren’t living together, and he couldn’t see us living together again.

    Bear in mind, he is almost 31 years old and I am only his second girlfriend. His first girlfriend dated him for nearly 7 years before they moved in together, and ended up falling apart for the same OCD-type reasons as we are having trouble with.

    I told him I am willing to work through the problems; I bought several books on relationships and related subjects and went through them with him. Our romance was rekindled because he said he would never be able to find someone as willing as I am to work through his problems. We were even talking about getting married, and had looked at lots of rings together. He is a very sweet guy, but certainly not easy to live with. I have always tried to be very mild-mannered and understanding with him, but his temper tends to be very short, and we go through “hot and cold” periods where he is short and upset with me for no discernible reason; usually I just weather through these periods.

    Now, the reason I’m writing this post is that I became very ill several nights ago, when we were currently in one of our “off” periods. He came to my aid completely on his own; I didn’t ask for anything. He brought me presents, candy, treats and litter for my cats, medicine, anything you can think of. He stayed by my side while I was ill, holding my hand, telling me that he loved me, and I was all the while confessing exactly how I felt to him. We fell asleep like that holding hands, and the next morning he arose and went to work.

    I got a text message later that day from him stating that his “heart is not in it.” He said that there was no way he could see us continuing our relationship unless he “somehow got” his heart back into the relationship. Of course, I was devastated. I am devastated every time something like this happens between us. More than anything, I am very confused. I am not sure why his actions and his words would be so mismatched like this. There is no other woman involved, I’m sure, as we went through a period where we revealed all our passwords and phone records to one another.

    The only insight into this that I can offer is that he often suffers from “buyer’s remorse,” which means that once he ordered a product from the internet, canceled the order later that day, called the company several hours later to try to reinstate the order but was told that it was too late, and when the product by chance did arrive in the mail a week later, he had by that time decided he didn’t want it anyway and mailed it back for a refund.

    I feel that this is what is happening to our relationship, and I’m not sure what to do. I definitely feel that there is a “connection” there, as every time we break up he has an awfully hard time and cries just as much as I do.

    There is so much difficulty to work with here, what are my next steps? Currently, I’m keeping out of contact with him. I think it’s best to let him have his space.

    Do you think this is the last I’ll hear from him? It has completely crushed me.

    Thanks so much!
    Cari

  260. cari Says:

    Hello Anne,

    I just finished reading your article and many of the above responses and I am really thankful that I came across this page. It has helped me so much.

    My situation is this: For almost two years now, I have been in a relationship with a slightly older man (he is 30, I am 24). We got off to a rocky start because we moved in together much too quickly (he gave me a key to his place on our 2nd date), and of course this lead to friction and problems. 8 months into the relationship, I got my own apartment and started to attend college. We broke up briefly during this period (for about a week) as we both thought the distance and suddenly not living together would negatively affect our relationship.

    This could not have been further from the truth, as our relationship flourished in our newfound personal space. I should elaborate: I believe truly that he has an undiagnosed mental condition, probably OCD. I am by no means considered a messy person, but most of our arguments stemmed from the cleanliness of the apartment when we were living together; for example, even when I had cleaned the place during the daytime, he would come home and clean for an additional 4 hours. I would wrack my brain trying to think of every possible thing to clean before he got home, because I knew he\’d find something amiss. For this reason, living apart really really helped the situation a lot.

    Things went pretty well with their usual ups and downs until January of this year. The cleanliness thing fell into the background; every time he visited I made sure the place was spotless, and made sure not to make any messes at his condo. He broke it off suddenly, stating that we had \”no future\” because we weren\’t living together, and he couldn\’t see us living together again.

    Bear in mind, he is almost 31 years old and I am only his second girlfriend. His first girlfriend dated him for nearly 7 years before they moved in together, and ended up falling apart for the same OCD-type reasons as we are having trouble with.

    I told him I am willing to work through the problems; I bought several books on relationships and related subjects and went through them with him. Our romance was rekindled because he said he would never be able to find someone as willing as I am to work through his problems. We were even talking about getting married, and had looked at lots of rings together. He is a very sweet guy, but certainly not easy to live with. I have always tried to be very mild-mannered and understanding with him, but his temper tends to be very short, and we go through \”hot and cold\” periods where he is short and upset with me for no discernible reason; usually I just weather through these periods.

    Now, the reason I\’m writing this post is that I became very ill several nights ago, when we were currently in one of our \”off\” periods. He came to my aid completely on his own; I didn\’t ask for anything. He brought me presents, candy, treats and litter for my cats, medicine, anything you can think of. He stayed by my side while I was ill, holding my hand, telling me that he loved me, and I was all the while confessing exactly how I felt to him. We fell asleep like that holding hands, and the next morning he arose and went to work.

    I got a text message later that day from him stating that his \”heart is not in it.\” He said that there was no way he could see us continuing our relationship unless he \”somehow got\” his heart back into the relationship. Of course, I was devastated. I am devastated every time something like this happens between us. More than anything, I am very confused. I am not sure why his actions and his words would be so mismatched like this. There is no other woman involved, I\’m sure, as we went through a period where we revealed all our passwords and phone records to one another.

    The only insight into this that I can offer is that he often suffers from \”buyer\’s remorse,\” which means that once he ordered a product from the internet, canceled the order later that day, called the company several hours later to try to reinstate the order but was told that it was too late, and when the product by chance did arrive in the mail a week later, he had by that time decided he didn\’t want it anyway and mailed it back for a refund.

    I feel that this is what is happening to our relationship, and I\’m not sure what to do. I definitely feel that there is a \”connection\” there, as every time we break up he has an awfully hard time and cries just as much as I do.

    There is so much difficulty to work with here, what are my next steps? Currently, I\’m keeping out of contact with him. I think it\’s best to let him have his space.

    Do you think this is the last I\’ll hear from him? It has completely crushed me.

    Thanks so much!
    Cari

  261. cari Says:

    oh my gosh, so sorry for the triple post!

  262. Tasha Says:

    Hi i’m an 18 year old girl trying to get over an 8 month long relationship about 3 weeks now. i know you’re thinking that i’m too young to be in love but everything was so real… it was the best 8 months i ever had. we did everything together, every single thing. although he lived an hour away from me he used to take every chance to come see me, even if it was for 5 mins. he was the perfect guy, said all the right things at all the right times, there was not one time when i needed him and he wasn’t there for me, whenever i was in trouble he gave up everything to make sure i was ok, always made me feel better whenever i was in the shallowest of moods, whatever i was doing he was doing at the same time, we went to sleep at the same time and slept together every night over the phone, he’s extremely hot (a model even) but always put me 1st although i’m not pretty at all and i’m out of his league, he loved me for who i am. he never let anybody say anything bad about me. he was never afraid to show the world how much he loved me… so i gave up my world for him. he used to get jealous if i even waved to my old friends in front of him. i stopped talking to all my guy friends, even my best guy friend. i moved away from the rest of the world, grew apart from all my friends. everything was about us. my whole world revolved around him. but we always argued about petty things. i thought that he was being unreasonable for asking me to stop talking to every single boy, even my neighbour that i grew up with. he said he wanted me all for himself. he was always insecure about me although i never lied to him. i was so true to him and did everything i could have to make him happy. i was so sure about him… i was sure that we were going to get married because we believed that we were truly in love so i lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me. i promised myself ever since that i would only lose it when i was going to get married. sigh. then he was admitted in a psychiatric hospital to treat depression. when he came out the arguments kept getting worse… until one day when we argued he went out with a girl who he used to like who had a crush on him too. then everything went downhill. i always realised he lies a lot even for the slightest things. he tried changing for me when we got together because he said he grew up lying his entire life, so everytime i would feel that he was lying about something simple i let the doubt slip my mind for the sake of trust because i believed he was really trying for me. but now he’s lying about bigger things and he doesn’t care about hurting me anymore. we always argued an broke up and went back with each other by the end of the day but when i realised it really was over this time i was devastated, he said he couldn’t be with me again because of my past and that i wasn’t the girl for him. i admit i had a bad “teenagehood” from around 15yrs. i had about 10 boyfriends in 2 yrs. i was mentally unstable and was suffering from depression and was confused and i was just trying to fit in. i did intimate stuff with a couple of them, everything except sex. i thought it was ok to do things like that as long as i wasn’t having sex. i thought guys only wanted experienced girls. i had no one to tell me any better but after a while i realised that wasn’t the kind of life i wanted and i changed and was single for a year until i met him. now he’s telling me my past affects him too much because he saved everything for me, i was his 1st kiss, his 1st everything, and that it kills him whenever he sees any of my exes if he goes anywhere. now he’s doing everything he can to hurt me. he’s flirting with girls who like him on facebook and he’s going out with them and he says at least he’s not doing anything with them. he says he wants to put me in his shoes and do things with other girls and see how it feels. he has changed completely in three weeks. but everytime we meet it’s like if we’r still together. i’m so confused. he says he needs some time alone and he can never love another girl but my past affects him too much right now. he puts everyone else before me now and he says he doesn’t love me as much as he used to. last week we wer talking like normal, like if we were still together and all of a sudden he put me on hold and was talkin to someone else for hours and never called me back. i got so angry i picked up a razor an cut so deep by mistake that i ended up gettin 3 stitches. i’m very soft and sensitive and suicidal and i still suffer from depression. but that night he came and stayed whole night in the hospital with me. he cried an kept asking me why i did those things in the past. i’m so confused. one minute he’s treating me like shit and next minute he’s doing things to pull me back to him. he’s more pushing me away though. sigh. all my friends and my parents keep telling me to move on but it’s so hard. i don’t know if i should wait on him and i can’t bare this kind of pain of him putting everyone else before me. i don’t know what to do. i can’t stop calling him every night to try to work things out when all it ends up in is him criticizing me. i don’t want to move on because those 8 months were so special to me and i don’t want to go through those things with anyone else. i feel like no one understands me. sigh. can u please help? i’m sorry about the long post but i have final exams in two days and i can’t concentrate and no one seems to be making me feel any better and i really need help fast :(

  263. Tasha Says:

    Hi i’m an 18 year old girl trying to get over an 8 month long relationship about 3 weeks now. i know you’re thinking that i’m too young to be in love but everything was so real and so perfect… it was the best 8 months i ever had. we did everything together, every single thing. although he lived an hour away from me he used to take every chance to come see me, even if it was for 5 mins. he was the perfect guy, said all the right things at all the right times, there was not one time when i needed him and he wasn’t there for me, whenever i was in trouble he gave up everything to make sure i was ok, always made me feel better whenever i was in the shallowest of moods, whatever i was doing he was doing at the same time, we went to sleep at the same time and slept together every night over the phone, he’s extremely hot (a model even) but always put me 1st although i’m not pretty at all and i’m out of his league, he loved me for who i am. he never let anybody say anything bad about me. he was never afraid to show the world how much he loved me… so i gave up my world for him. he used to get jealous if i even waved to my old friends in front of him. i stopped talking to all my guy friends, even my best guy friend. i moved away from the rest of the world, grew apart from all my friends. everything was about us. my whole world revolved around him. but we always argued about petty things. i thought that he was being unreasonable for asking me to stop talking to every single boy, even my neighbour that i grew up with. he said he wanted me all for himself. he was always insecure about me although i never lied to him. i was so true to him and did everything i could have to make him happy. i was so sure about him… i trusted him with my life and told him everything. i was so sure that we were going to get married because we believed that we were truly in love so i lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me. i promised myself ever since that i would only lose it when i was going to get married. sigh. then he was admitted in a psychiatric hospital to treat depression. when he came out the arguments kept getting worse… until one day when we argued he went out with a girl who he used to like who had a crush on him too. then everything went downhill. i always realised he lies a lot even for the slightest things. he tried changing for me when we got together because he said he grew up lying his entire life, so everytime i would feel that he was lying about something simple i let the doubt slip my mind for the sake of trust because i believed he was really trying for me. but now he’s lying about bigger things and he doesn’t care about hurting me anymore. we always argued an broke up and went back with each other by the end of the day but when i realised it really was over this time i was devastated, he said he couldn’t be with me again because of my past and that i wasn’t the girl for him and he was looking to see if there’s a better girl out there. i admit i had a bad “teenagehood” from around 15yrs. i had about 10 boyfriends in 2 yrs. i was mentally unstable and was suffering from depression and was confused and i was just trying to fit in. i did intimate stuff with a couple of them, everything except sex. i thought it was ok to do things like that as long as i wasn’t having sex. i thought guys only wanted experienced girls. i had no one to tell me any better but after a while i realised that wasn’t the kind of life i wanted and i changed and was single for a year until i met him. now he’s telling me my past affects him too much because he saved everything for me, i was his 1st kiss, his 1st everything, and that it kills him whenever he sees any of my exes if he goes anywhere. now he’s doing everything he can to hurt me. he’s flirting with girls who like him on facebook and he’s going out with them and he says at least he’s not doing anything with them. he says he wants to put me in his shoes and do things with other girls and see how it feels. he has changed completely in three weeks. but everytime we meet it’s like if we’re still together. i’m so confused. he says he needs some time alone and he can never love another girl but my past affects him too much right now. he puts everyone else before me now and he says he doesn’t love me as much as he used to. last week we were talking like normal, like if we were still together and all of a sudden he put me on hold and was talking to someone else for hours and never called me back. i got so angry i picked up a razor an cut so deep by mistake that i ended up gettin 3 stitches. i’m very soft and sensitive and suicidal and i still suffer from depression. but that night he came and stayed whole night in the hospital with me. he cried an kept asking me why i did those things in the past. i’m so confused. one minute he’s treating me like shit and next minute he’s doing things to pull me back to him. he’s more pushing me away though. sigh. all my friends and my parents keep telling me to move on but it’s so hard. i don’t know if i should wait on him and i can’t bare this kind of pain of him putting everyone else before me. he’s supposed to love me for who i am and not who i was but he says i dont understand how much it affects him. i don’t know what to do. i can’t stop calling him every night to try to work things out when all it ends up in is him criticizing me. i don’t want to move on because those 8 months were so special to me and i don’t want to go through those things with anyone else. it’s so hard for me to adjust when i gave up so much for him thinking we’d always be together. i feel like no one understands me. sigh. can u please help? i’m sorry about the long post but i have final exams in two days and i can’t concentrate and no one seems to be making me feel any better and i really need help fast :(

  264. Tasha Says:

    Hi i\’m an 18 year old girl trying to get over an 8 month long relationship about 3 weeks now. i know you\’re thinking that i\’m too young to be in love but everything was so real and so perfect… it was the best 8 months i ever had. we did everything together, every single thing. although he lived an hour away from me he used to take every chance to come see me, even if it was for 5 mins. he was the perfect guy, said all the right things at all the right times, there was not one time when i needed him and he wasn\’t there for me, whenever i was in trouble he gave up everything to make sure i was ok, always made me feel better whenever i was in the shallowest of moods, whatever i was doing he was doing at the same time, we went to sleep at the same time and slept together every night over the phone, he\’s extremely hot (a model even) but always put me 1st although i\’m not pretty at all and i\’m out of his league, he loved me for who i am. he never let anybody say anything bad about me. he was never afraid to show the world how much he loved me… so i gave up my world for him. he used to get jealous if i even waved to my old friends in front of him. i stopped talking to all my guy friends, even my best guy friend. i moved away from the rest of the world, grew apart from all my friends. everything was about us. my whole world revolved around him. but we always argued about petty things. i thought that he was being unreasonable for asking me to stop talking to every single boy, even my neighbour that i grew up with. he said he wanted me all for himself. he was always insecure about me although i never lied to him. i was so true to him and did everything i could have to make him happy. i was so sure about him… i trusted him with my life and told him everything. i was so sure that we were going to get married because we believed that we were truly in love so i lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me. i promised myself ever since that i would only lose it when i was going to get married. sigh. then he was admitted in a psychiatric hospital to treat depression. when he came out the arguments kept getting worse… until one day when we argued he went out with a girl who he used to like who had a crush on him too. then everything went downhill. i always realised he lies a lot even for the slightest things. he tried changing for me when we got together because he said he grew up lying his entire life, so everytime i would feel that he was lying about something simple i let the doubt slip my mind for the sake of trust because i believed he was really trying for me. but now he\’s lying about bigger things and he doesn\’t care about hurting me anymore. we always argued an broke up and went back with each other by the end of the day but when i realised it really was over this time i was devastated, he said he couldn\’t be with me again because of my past and that i wasn\’t the girl for him and he was looking to see if there\’s a better girl out there. i admit i had a bad \”teenagehood\” from around 15yrs. i had about 10 boyfriends in 2 yrs. i was mentally unstable and was suffering from depression and was confused and i was just trying to fit in. i did intimate stuff with a couple of them, everything except sex. i thought it was ok to do things like that as long as i wasn\’t having sex. i thought guys only wanted experienced girls. i had no one to tell me any better but after a while i realised that wasn\’t the kind of life i wanted and i changed and was single for a year until i met him. now he\’s telling me my past affects him too much because he saved everything for me, i was his 1st kiss, his 1st everything, and that it kills him whenever he sees any of my exes if he goes anywhere. now he\’s doing everything he can to hurt me. he\’s flirting with girls who like him on facebook and he\’s going out with them and he says at least he\’s not doing anything with them. he says he wants to put me in his shoes and do things with other girls and see how it feels. he has changed completely in three weeks. but everytime we meet it\’s like if we\’re still together. i\’m so confused. he says he needs some time alone and he can never love another girl but my past affects him too much right now. he puts everyone else before me now and he says he doesn\’t love me as much as he used to. last week we were talking like normal, like if we were still together and all of a sudden he put me on hold and was talking to someone else for hours and never called me back. i got so angry i picked up a razor an cut so deep by mistake that i ended up gettin 3 stitches. i\’m very soft and sensitive and suicidal and i still suffer from depression. but that night he came and stayed whole night in the hospital with me. he cried an kept asking me why i did those things in the past. i\’m so confused. one minute he\’s treating me like shit and next minute he\’s doing things to pull me back to him. he\’s more pushing me away though. sigh. all my friends and my parents keep telling me to move on but it\’s so hard. i don\’t know if i should wait on him and i can\’t bare this kind of pain of him putting everyone else before me. he\’s supposed to love me for who i am and not who i was but he says i dont understand how much it affects him. i don\’t know what to do. i can\’t stop calling him every night to try to work things out when all it ends up in is him criticizing me. i don\’t want to move on because those 8 months were so special to me and i don\’t want to go through those things with anyone else. it\’s so hard for me to adjust when i gave up so much for him thinking we\’d always be together. i feel like no one understands me. sigh. can u please help? i\’m sorry about the long post but i have final exams in two days and i can\’t concentrate and no one seems to be making me feel any better and i really need help fast :(

  265. Tash Says:

    well the 1st two. i made some changes in the last one. sorry.

  266. Subliminal messages Says:

    Getting over him is sensitive issue as to find Sexy Subliminal messages in Disney movies.

  267. makay Says:

    okay i guess i shoulda looked at this b4 i screwed my life up. i moped for weeks and weeks until i was all cried out then i jumped at the first few guys who asked me out. okay so it was more like sex then i ended up dating someone. i really shouldnt have rushed into it since im not over him yet (still). he told me he loves me :O. i have no idea how to tell him i dont think i love him. i cant be mean and yet the only way to get rid of him is if i just come out and say “im sorry i dont love you. you were a rebound” im not mean and i would kill myself trying to do that. i cant pretend i love him if i dont but i cant be mean and tell him i dont. im so lost. i know people dont give advice on this thing but im just saying i shouldve read this before i screwed my life up.

  268. Andra Says:

    this is Andra…you can read my post on this site….
    i just wanted to let everyone know it does get easier. I loved my bf so much. He was the only one for me. I couldn\’t imagine not having him in my life….yada, yada, yada. we broke up Last July 10th…..by his decision. it has taken me this long to really see that he was not worth all the love i had for him. He hasn\’t talked emailed, texted or anything. Ladies, do yourselves a favor. follow these tips and get yourself together. you may be alone for a while, but don\’t fret. I would rather give my love to someone who deserves it than try and make something work. Love should make you happy. Men should show you they love you. no one should have to play games and lose themselves to please anyone. It hurts….I know. but it DOES get easier.

  269. kristen mitchell Says:

    okay so me and my boyfriend just broke up and i cant take it anymore my friends dont care i cant tell my family im cutting myself i still love him and we broke up like 4 months ago i want to die please help me please i cant take it.

  270. Kirishiki Says:

    :(

  271. Aurora D. Says:

    I can’t get over him…hes my neighbor, my best friend, my first kiss, and his presence is everywhere…I’ve tried everything but nothing works…

  272. ann jane Says:

    i dont no what to do, its been 9mouths and i am still broken,
    when i drink i cry over him, evey day i think of him, i wish i knew how i miss him more than enything he was my world and now my world is gone, its true what they say about a broken heart ur cant be meded i have tryd to see other people but there not \”him\” i cant even bring my self to say his name witout a tear in my eye or a bleed in my heart…..

  273. Charlie Says:

    Hi Anne,

    I really hope you’re reading this. I am in a long term relationship with someone I really love, so much that I am just too scared to leave him. Because I don’t know how I will cope going it alone again.

    His not a bad person, but we just don’t get along anymore and want different things, I feel I would be happier on my own. I get so upset thinking about moving on but need to for my own good. I just need some help/words of wisdom.

  274. Confused Says:

    Hi Anne,

    Your advice to everyone is amazing.

    I’ll try to breif….

    I’m just writing to you to make some sense of my break-up and try to get some closer I guess.

    I have been going out with a guy for almost 4 years. He was my first serious relationship and the first person I truly opened up to. Towards the end of our relationship things started to get strained this was due to job loss and other life situations, I lost my confidence and became very closed. Anyway he broke up with me. After speaking with him about it he felt like I wouldn’t open up to him and he now found it difficult to speak to me about things without me getting upset so he confided in a college friend. I should point out this friend is a girl and one day he felt like he felt something for her so he broke up with me coz he didnt feel honest if he felt like that about someone else.
    Anyway we discussed things and in the mean time I got a new job and started to feel more positive so we got back together a month later. He said he never was with the girl nor did he ever really like her it was just that he was able to get on with her like he used to with me ( he is still friends with her and I have met her breifly) anyway things went great for a few months. He finished college and went away for the weekend with his college friends (I was asked to go but declined because i would have felt awkward for the weekend even though i had met this girl before & some of his other friends that were also going but only once). Anyway 2 weeks later i noticed he was texting & phoning girls he had met down there (he had told me about them and everything) I spoke to him about it and said that it made me uncomforatable for him to be speaking with single girls he had just met & that really he shouldn’t have their numbers in the first place. He tried to show me the messages and that it was innocent (i do believe it was from his side anyway) he did say he would stop but we were arguing and he said he was so confused about his life at the moment, (he missed out on college when he was younger & recently returned as a mature student and is now unsure of where his career or life is going) and didnt know what he wanted anymore, whether it be out partying meeting new people (and girls) or being with me. At this point may I add I never ever stopped him having a social life nor did he stop me, I did trust him but after him getting close to another girl and then chatting (be it innocent) to girls he had just met made me feel un-easy. I asked did he want me and he didn’t know. He said we don’t have anything in common anymore, he is very social and as I get older I want to go out less, he has never had a problem with me going with him on nights out but sometimes I would feel it would be awkward, he loves meeting new people and I used to but sometimes it scares me now, I have gone out with his new friends and had great fun and said id def do it again, but just doesnt seem to be enough, maybe nothing ever will. He was very upset (as was I) but i felt I had to leave. I couldn’t sit around and wait for him to wake up one morning and realise he didn’t want me or worse still cheat on me!

    Maybe I am to unrealistic but I wanted him to fight for me to show me he loved me, he hurt me badly breaking up the first time and I guess I needed more from him now to show he cared.

    I havent spoken with him since (which has been very very hard), I have avoided places where he might be and I have gotten rid of things that reminded me of him and booked a girly weekend away.

    I guess Im just not sure if I made the right decision or not, what if he does love me but as he says he’s just very messed up and doesnt know what he wants or maybe he was just upset coz he does still care about me and hated that I was the one leaving this time. I do think he might be selfish about it and was cowardly, but Im very confused at the moment and don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be shown how much he loves me (like he used to) but maybe Im just being to harsh on him when he’s going through a tough time. Or then again maybe I jsut cant accept that he doesnt love me anymore.

    Sorry about the long post, I hope you or anyone can offer me some words of wisdom as this is a tough thing to deal with (as Im sure all your readers know to well)

    Thank you in advance :)

  275. Confused Says:

    Hi Anne,

    Your advice to everyone is amazing.

    I will try to breif….

    Im just writing to you to make some sense of my break-up and try to get some closer I guess.

    I have been going out with a guy for almost 4 years. He was my first serious relationship and the first person I truly opened up to. Towards the end of our relationship things started to get strained this was due to job loss and other life situations, I lost my confidence and became very closed. Anyway he broke up with me. After speaking with him about it he felt like I wouldn\’t open up to him and he now found it difficult to speak to me about things without me getting upset so he confided in a college friend. I should point out this friend is a girl and one day he felt like he felt something for her so he broke up with me coz he didnt feel honest if he felt like that about someone else.
    Anyway we discussed things and in the mean time I got a new job and started to feel more positive so we got back together a month later. He said he never was with the girl nor did he ever really like her it was just that he was able to get on with her like he used to with me ( he is still friends with her and I have met her breifly) anyway things went great for a few months. He finished college and went away for the weekend with his college friends (I was asked to go but declined because i would have felt awkward for the weekend even though i had met this girl before & some of his other friends that were also going but only once). Anyway 2 weeks later i noticed he was texting & phoning girls he had met down there (he had told me about them and everything) I spoke to him about it and said that it made me uncomforatable for him to be speaking with single girls he had just met & that really he shouldn\’t have their numbers in the first place. He tried to show me the messages and that it was innocent (i do believe it was from his side anyway) he did say he would stop but we were arguing and he said he was so confused about his life at the moment, (he missed out on college when he was younger & recently returned as a mature student and is now unsure of where his career or life is going) and didnt know what he wanted anymore, whether it be out partying meeting new people (and girls) or being with me. At this point may I add I never ever stopped him having a social life nor did he stop me, I did trust him but after him getting close to another girl and then chatting (be it innocent) to girls he had just met made me feel un-easy. I asked did he want me and he didn\’t know. He said we don\’t have anything in common anymore, he is very social and as I get older I want to go out less, he has never had a problem with me going with him on nights out but sometimes I would feel it would be awkward, he loves meeting new people and I used to but sometimes it scares me now, I have gone out with his new friends and had great fun and said id def do it again, but just doesnt seem to be enough, maybe nothing ever will. He was very upset (as was I) but i felt I had to leave. I couldnt sit around and wait for him to wake up one morning and realise he didnt want me or worse still cheat on me!

    Maybe I am to unrealistic but I wanted him to fight for me to show me he loved me, he hurt me badly breaking up the first time and I guess I needed more from him now to show he cared.

    I havent spoken with him since (which has been very very hard), I have avoided places where he might be and I have gotten rid of things that reminded me of him and booked a girly weekend away.

    I guess Im just not sure if I made the right decision or not, what if he does love me but as he says hes just very messed up and doesnt know what he wants or maybe he was just upset coz he does still care about me and hated that I was the one leaving this time. I do think he might be selfish about it and was cowardly, but Im very confused at the moment and don\’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be shown how much he loves me (like he used to) but maybe Im just being to harsh on him when hes going through a tough time. Or then again maybe I jsut cant accept that he doesnt love me anymore.

    Sorry about the long post, I hope you or anyone can offer me some words of wisdom as this is a tough thing to deal with (as Im sure all your readers know to well)

    Thank you in advance

  276. Confused :-Z Says:

    Hi Anne,

    Your advice to everyone is amazing.

    I will try to breif….

    Im just writing to you to make some sense of my break-up and try to get some closer I guess.

    I have been going out with a guy for almost 4 years. He was my first serious relationship and the first person I truly opened up to. Towards the end of our relationship things started to get strained this was due to job loss and other life situations, I lost my confidence and became very closed. Anyway he broke up with me. After speaking with him about it he felt like I wouldnt open up to him and he now found it difficult to speak to me about things without me getting upset so he confided in a college friend. I should point out this friend is a girl and one day he felt like he felt something for her so he broke up with me coz he didnt feel honest if he felt like that about someone else.

    Anyway we discussed things and in the mean time I got a new job and started to feel more positive so we got back together a month later. He said he never was with the girl nor did he ever really like her it was just that he was able to get on with her like he used to with me ( he is still friends with her and I have met her breifly) anyway things went great for a few months. He finished college and went away for the weekend with his college friends (I was asked to go but declined because i would have felt awkward for the weekend even though i had met this girl before & some of his other friends that were also going but only once). Anyway 2 weeks later i noticed he was texting & phoning girls he had met down there (he had told me about them and everything) I spoke to him about it and said that it made me uncomforatable for him to be speaking with single girls he had just met & that really he shouldnt have their numbers in the first place. He tried to show me the messages and that it was innocent (i do believe it was from his side anyway) he did say he would stop but we were arguing and he said he was so confused about his life at the moment, (he missed out on college when he was younger & recently returned as a mature student and is now unsure of where his career or life is going) and didnt know what he wanted anymore, whether it be out partying meeting new people (and girls) or being with me. At this point may I add I never ever stopped him having a social life nor did he stop me, I did trust him but after him getting close to another girl and then chatting (be it innocent) to girls he had just met made me feel un-easy. I asked did he want me and he didnt know. He said we dont have anything in common anymore, he is very social and as I get older I want to go out less, he has never had a problem with me going with him on nights out but sometimes I would feel it would be awkward, he loves meeting new people and I used to but sometimes it scares me now, I have gone out with his new friends and had great fun and said id def do it again, but just doesnt seem to be enough, maybe nothing ever will. He was very upset (as was I) but i felt I had to leave. I couldnt sit around and wait for him to wake up one morning and realise he didnt want me or worse still cheat on me!

    Maybe I am to unrealistic but I wanted him to fight for me to show me he loved me, he hurt me badly breaking up the first time and I guess I needed more from him now to show he cared.

    I havent spoken with him since (which has been very very hard), I have avoided places where he might be and I have gotten rid of things that reminded me of him and booked a girly weekend away.

    I guess Im just not sure if I made the right decision or not, what if he does love me but as he says hes just very messed up and doesnt know what he wants or maybe he was just upset coz he does still care about me and hated that I was the one leaving this time. I do think he might be selfish about it and was cowardly, but Im very confused at the moment and dont know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be shown how much he loves me (like he used to) but maybe Im just being to harsh on him when hes going through a tough time. Or then again maybe I jsut cant accept that he doesnt love me anymore and its really over.

    Sorry about the long post, I hope you or anyone can offer me some words of wisdom as this is a tough thing to deal with (as Im sure all your readers know to well)

    Thank you in advance

  277. Confused :-Z Says:

    Hi Anne,

    Your advice to everyone is amazing.

    I will try to breif….

    Im just writing to you to make some sense of my breakup and try to get some closer I guess.

    I have been going out with a guy for almost 4 years. He was my first serious relationship and the first person I truly opened up to. Towards the end of our relationship things started to get strained this was due to job loss and other life situations, I lost my confidence and became very closed. Anyway he broke up with me. After speaking with him about it he felt like I wouldnt open up to him and he now found it difficult to speak to me about things without me getting upset so he confided in a college friend. I should point out this friend is a girl and one day he felt like he felt something for her so he broke up with me coz he didnt feel honest if he felt like that about someone else.

    Anyway we discussed things and in the mean time I got a new job and started to feel more positive so we got back together a month later. He said he never was with the girl nor did he ever really like her it was just that he was able to get on with her like he used to with me ( he is still friends with her and I have met her breifly) anyway things went great for a few months. He finished college and went away for the weekend with his college friends (I was asked to go but declined because i would have felt awkward for the weekend even though i had met this girl before & some of his other friends that were also going but only once). Anyway 2 weeks later i noticed he was texting & phoning girls he had met down there (he had told me about them and everything) I spoke to him about it and said that it made me uncomforatable for him to be speaking with single girls he had just met & that really he shouldnt have their numbers in the first place. He tried to show me the messages and that it was innocent (i do believe it was from his side anyway) he did say he would stop but we were arguing and he said he was so confused about his life at the moment, (he missed out on college when he was younger & recently returned as a mature student and is now unsure of where his career or life is going) and didnt know what he wanted anymore, whether it be out partying meeting new people (and girls) or being with me. At this point may I add I never ever stopped him having a social life nor did he stop me, I did trust him but after him getting close to another girl and then chatting (be it innocent) to girls he had just met made me feel un-easy. I asked did he want me and he didnt know. He said we dont have anything in common anymore, he is very social and as I get older I want to go out less, he has never had a problem with me going with him on nights out but sometimes I would feel it would be awkward, he loves meeting new people and I used to but sometimes it scares me now, I have gone out with his new friends and had great fun and said id def do it again, but just doesnt seem to be enough, maybe nothing ever will. He was very upset (as was I) but i felt I had to leave. I couldnt sit around and wait for him to wake up one morning and realise he didnt want me or worse still cheat on me!

    Maybe I am to unrealistic but I wanted him to fight for me to show me he loved me, he hurt me badly breaking up the first time and I guess I needed more from him now to show he cared.

    I havent spoken with him since (which has been very very hard), I have avoided places where he might be and I have gotten rid of things that reminded me of him and booked a girly weekend away.

    I guess Im just not sure if I made the right decision or not, what if he does love me but as he says hes just very messed up and doesnt know what he wants or maybe he was just upset coz he does still care about me and hated that I was the one leaving this time. I do think he might be selfish about it and was cowardly, but Im very confused at the moment and dont know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be shown how much he loves me (like he used to) but maybe Im just being to harsh on him when hes going through a tough time. Or then again maybe I jsut cant accept that he doesnt love me anymore and its really over.

    Sorry about the long post, I hope you or anyone can offer me some words of wisdom as this is a tough thing to deal with (as Im sure all your readers know to well)

    Thank you in advance

  278. tanya Says:

    I think you made an absolutely right decision!
    Wait and watch and if he doesnt come by soon..then accept its over!
    keep ur self occupied meanwhile ..!

  279. Sharon Says:

    I was with my ex husband for 27 years. He left me over 3 years ago and we are now divorced. I was totally broken had no family support as I had moved with my ex to the other side of the world. My best friend was a man I worked with I felt no attraction to him even though I knew he did to me. After being seperated from my ex husband for a year and having 2 what I could call rebound relationships my friend asked if I would consider a relationship with him. I went against my better judgement and decided to give it ago. He was one of my best friends and had seen all the hurt I had experienced on the break up of my marrage and my trust in him was total. I fell deeply in love with him but as a friend he was wounderful as a partner he was awful cold and uncaring. I made excuses for his behaviour and his lack of caring as a partner. A week ago I stoped making excuses and realised just how bad he treats me. I feel boken not only have I lost the man I love but someone who was my best friend too. I know I have to let go but it doesnt get any easier if its 27 years or 2 years its hard and my self esteem is at an all time low. Only this time my friend isnt there for me as he is the one who has broken my heart. I work for the same company as this man and have to face him. Inside I dread him coming back to work. He is on leave for a few weeks. But I know there is no way I can avoid seeing him. I so want to be cool and not make a fool of myself but inside I am panicking.

  280. Sarah Says:

    Dear Anne,

    My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 yrs ago, however we just stopped being intimate about 3 months ago. When have children together and I just dont want he in my life. He has a new gf his been seeing for maybe 3 months now (see the connect there) and she’s already living with him. Im hurt and bitter at everything that has happened with him cheating on me and now with this new girl. I just want to get over all of it but Im holding on to something. What do I do, its been so long?

  281. Glory Days Says:

    Thank you. I am going through a terrible break up of a very unhealthy relationship. He won’t let me go fully and I will post my story in the future. I know I need to just cut ties but it is so painful when I keep hearing I love you. The fear of a FINAL goodbye is so painful. I almost can’t accept it as necessary but must. Thank you for your posts, they are truly helpful.

  282. terri Says:

    HI
    Im drowning………….. and its all my own fault.I have been going out with my fiance since i was 16 im now 26. this year started feeling restless and dissatisfied with our relationship. In our group of friends their was this guy who i’ve liked for a really long time. Something happened between us and it carried on for about a month. I fell inlove with him, ive never cheated on my fiance before this. i cant stop thinking about him in fact i made an utter fool of myself over him. His now seeing another girl,which i can handle but he has started flirting with my best friend. They clearly like each other and its KILLING me.They flirt and laugh and touch each other. She makes as if theirs nothing going on. Im starting to hate her. Will this pain never end. I see him all the time in social situations. I need help urgently i feel like someone has shredded my heart

  283. Jackie Says:

    Hi Anne,
    This site looks amazing and you’re really kind and helpful for replying to everyone. Here’s my story. I’ll try and keep it brief:

    I started dating my first love when we were just 16. We had one break in between but we ended up going out for just over 4 years. We have been broken up 2 years now.

    Problem – I can’t move on. I’ve lost my identity so much to him, sometimes I actually feel like I am him :S (not sure how normal that is?!).

    Anyway, so yeah I think it was maybe more of a difference in personalities. He was so reserved, soft, gentle and quiet. And whilst I can be quiet and would certainly describe myself as introverted, for me it’s more a case of just being shy, rather than simply quiet. Basically the relationship became boring.

    Because I then was the more outgoing of the two of us, I would try and inject some passion into the relationship and maybe said some things which in hindsight were not very kind. Still, nothing. It got to the point where I had, had enough and ended it altogether. The problem is I can’t let go. I keep wondering whether I was too harsh on him (I had some anxiety issues at the time). I wonder whether I projected my own insecurities onto him?

    I think also, because I was so controlling in the relationship (though not completley my fault), part of me still believes that if I send just one more email in a nicely worded way, he may come back to me?

    Any advice here would be much appreciated. I’m really a good person and I feel so guilty and regretful over this relationship. I’m not sure how I can move on when I still feel like there’s a chance (despite him saying no!). Argh lol!

    Thank you!!!

  284. cecilie Says:

    I guess this is about the 100th time that I ‘ left’ him…I can’ t really leave him, because he is married… it has been going on now for about ten years, I am 34 now, 35 in March…I weent to som CBT therapy, and the man didn’ tactually want to help me, he said that it was obvious that I WANTED to be number two in my mans life..who hasn’ t gotten divorced because of their daughter…he says (we are in Italy, not that it makes a difference) I am heart broken as so many other times – I don’ t have freind slefft because I let them go one by one – so I didn’ t have to come up with silly excuses for sitting and waiting around for somebody who never came/comes – and now it is over again, my brain really wants it to be over – I really want a loving husband and kids- but my heart…I can’ t control – I feel so weak, I have no more streght left.. I feel I spent it all on waiting on him. I did leave him once for 2 years – I was told that I would pass – I didn’ t and when I couldn’ t stand it with ìout him in my life anylonger I went back….I have changed city a couple of time too – but I always came back – what do I do, I oray to the lord to give me my strenght back to give myself back but I feel so lost and I feel that there is no way out I wish so badly that somebody could help me

  285. Amanda Says:

    Hi Anne,

    I have read a lot of your stories and I have high hopes that you can help me with mine. I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years with this 20 year old boy. I am 21 but we started dating when I was 18 and he was 17. Our first year together was fantastic there were no rules, no expectations, no name calling, no abuse of any kind. Our second year of being together, he slowly became overly jealous and controlling. Making me delete people from my facebook and phone, change my phone number, not hang out with certain people, not wear certain things, and a whole mess of other issues. It got so bad that I had eventually given up on everything but him and now I rely completely on him. We fight all the time because he says its different with boys than girls and manipulates my mind to think that what he does is alright but that it wouldn’t be if it were me. We are constantly breaking up but getting back together because I think we are used to each other and the relationship. He is the one and only person I have ever trusted this much… I trust him with my life and I am afraid to let go of this because I am afraid that I won’t ever trust anyone like this ever again. He recently started calling me names and faulting me for having a past and now every time we fight he brings up the past and verbally abuses me…sometimes even physically hurts me. He makes it seem like I’m crazy to all of his friends but makes sure he knows where I am every second of every minute of every day. I have been 21 since March and he wouldn’t let me go to the bars until he was 21 so I have had to wait for him. He turns 21 next weekend and he is already talking about the bar scene and I am afraid for what’s going to happen. I have tried sticking to my “guns” so to speak in that I have tried staying broken up with this person, but I am not as strong and independent as I used to be before I met him and I don’t know how to become that person again. We now have the same group of friends so he will be where I would be if we do break up for good which is extremely hard because I always fall back into his spell and forgive him for the stupid things he has done to me. I need some serious help but don’t know where to start because I haven’t had the power to let go of him yet. Please help me

  286. cristal Says:

    your ads on this page are so annoying, for this reason, i won’t come back…the ads kept interrupting my reading…ugh!

  287. Simone Says:

    Hi Anne, I have read some of your stuff, and you’ve obviously got great advice, and I need some. I have a history of bad relationships with men, always picking losers. Then, one night I met this guy at a friends party, it wasn’t love at first sight or anything, but he seemed really nice. We met up again and after a few more “dates’, I found myself really falling for him. I thought we had a great relationship, we had heaps in common, the sex was awesome, and we never had an argument. We had been talking of moving in, even having a second look at a house we were interested in. That was on a sunday, then from completely out of the blue, he dumped me. I was totally blindsided, it was only a 5 and a 1/2 month relationship, but we never even had an argument. I have taken it badly, I don’t understand what went wrong. I thought we would be together forever, not that I told him that, I did try not to freak him out. I have great friends and family, but they are just not the same. I’ve pretty much had a complete breakdown – resulting in a hospital admission, which is so shameful. How do you make it stop? He said he didn’t think his feelings for me had grown as he thought they should, and he doesn’t understand it either, as we were/are so compatible. I feel I don’t want to go on without him, but what if he decides he’s made a huge mistake. It’s all that’s keeping me going, and that’s only just. The Dr thinks I have been suffering from depression throughout the whole relationship, do I tell him? Help

  288. Simplylee Says:

    Hi,

    I have been searching the internet for something to just make me feel better…some words of wisdom…something i already know but i needed to hear from someone else i guess…most of these posts involve women who were actually in relationships…the differerence with me is that I fell in love with someone whom I was seeing and yes sleeping with casually….he works with me..I never told him this…because i know he does not feel the same way based on his actions…he doesnt treat me like someone he is willing to move forward with…i guess thats my fault becuase i turned out wanting something more than just a physical relationship…i want to get over him..i want to move forward and be in a real relationship with someone who is clearly not afraid to do the same…99% of my mind body and soul feels like i could do it and move forward but its that 1% that is holding me back..because im still thinking what if?…..I feel like he is holding me by my hair and pulling me back everytime..i wanted to change jobs but its not that easy..i have stopped calling him or going out with him…i even told him that i didnt want anything to do with him…god i just wish i cud just go to sleep and wake up just forgetting that he ever existed…i wish there was someway i could just erase every single memory of him from my mind…i actually wish he could get married or have kids with someone so it could just hit me that we would never be together…i have never loved anyone the way i love this man….but i need to be free…i feel trapped and lost and every waking day i literally have to snap myself out of thinking about him…he enters my mind unconsciously and just lingers….i feel a tightening in my chest and tears come to my eyes everytime i get a memory or something that reminds me of him…my fist clenches and my eyes close just for a moment..and then there is that lingering wish or prayer that it will all be over and i would be alright…..i keep holding on to the hope that time willl heal me…i just feel like im running out of it….

  289. Mansa Says:

    Hey Anne,
    I just got out of a relationship with this guy hus bin my best frnd for an year and a half..and we went out for a couple’a mnths..bt things srted going downhill and all we did was bicker and cry and oh yeah..cry a lot..
    finally, i dumped him and i thot tht was the end to it..tht was two months ago..
    but every five to six days, either he calls up or i do..we jst cnt seem to do without each other..yet m the one who keeps sayng ‘ i love you and i want you back’ while all he can say is ‘i dont know’..he duznt wanna let go..yet he says he duznt knw if he luvs me still..we have had a kinda freakky relationship i wud say..we’ve bin together practically every second apart from the time meant for sleeping..and even den we wud wake up in the middle of the nyt and txt each other..but all we do now is yell and scream..but once the storm’s done..we go all sappy and sorry..i love him..and i cant..cant..cant let go..ever,.
    i might add tht none of my friends approve of him..and life’s bin hellish cause i went against them..he takes drugs..fags..drinks..has a gang tht go beat up people..bt still i believe he’s the good guy..the best thing tht cud ever happen to me..he makes me laugh..we know each other lyk no one else..and the thot of being away frm him for even an hour kills me..i keep going to his hangouts..and we see each other..and we go all ‘i missed u, hon’..

    i cant help it..and its killng me..
    its nt tht he;’s nt a great guy..he is..tho everyone hates him
    what shud i do??

  290. Lisa Says:

    Dear Anne

    I’m in so much pain. I left my boyfriend of six and a half years, as it wasn’t a good relationship. I ran off with a musician. He’s 26 and I’m 33. He was so romantic and we fell madly in love, like never before, it was magical. He was so handsome and everyone loved him. I became a part of his family, moved in with them and a part of his social circle. We’d dance around the room together, laugh all the time, love the same music, go on country walks, festivals. An artist and a musician. We wanted a gypsy wedding, to travel. He wrote songs for me, I painted for him. We had tantric sex. I opened my soul. We were so passionate. I hung around with his band and made backdrops, drum skins … I made such an effort. All the girls loved him but I didn’t mind, as we were together. Then the partying started to take its toll on me and I settled. He began to spend more and more time away from me and I started to get very depressed in bed. He showed no support and began resenting me fro ruining his time. I found his facebook page open and he’d asked a ‘friend’ to his Christmas party. A pretty young girl. I went mad. He was talking to exes behind my back. I got worse and worse. On fireworks night, he said he wanted out. I got so upset and went to town while he had a fire with all his mates at his house. I was very drunk and asked him to collect me. In the car, he was shouting at me so much for being pathetic, that I opened the car door, as it was moving and fell into the road, then he accidently ran over my leg (he’d had a bottle of whiskey). I had to go to hospital.

    We got back together at Christmas. He promised me it would all be ok and that he loved me. I had to move to London, Which is an hour away from where he lived. He said he resented me for that. It was my dream to do an Art Masters and I had gotten into the best London school. This was always my plan. He said he didn’t want a part time girlfriend and he wanted someone to slot into his life, although I had done that and he still pushed me away.

    Over Christmas my Dad went into hospital and Ross blamed me for ruining his time. He continued to party and put everyone before me. I tried to communicate. New Years Eve morning, he packed all my stuff, and his mum drove me back to my dads in London. He didn’t talk anything through with me. I couldn’t contact him for 7 months. I couldn’t see any men as I’d lost my love.

    Then came the phone call. He said he loved me and wanted us to be together, he couldn’t be without me. I was very cautious and met him. He was crying. It took a while for us to be together properly again. I found out he’d slept with that girl, who’s message I’d seen on Facebook. In our bed, kicked me out then went out with her. That didn’t work out and he had another girlfriend. Who he also introduced to the family and stayed in our room. He said he couldn’t be with anyone else as he could only think of me. So how could he have unprotected sex with them? He was going to move to London, got a job to be with me, when it came to it, he changed his mind and said to me ‘Brighton or nothing’. He was also hanging out with this ex in his crowd and expected me to be brave and see his gigs with her there. I couldn’t do it. Dance beside her to our songs? She had replaced me when we were apart and went to all those gigs.

    When we are in a room alone, its fine, a hideaway. When anything else comes into it, it’s all his way or nothing. He’s dumped me 9 times throughout. It’s so hot and cold that I don’t know where I am. I started to self-harm. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve been in counselling. It’s 5 months down the line and I’ve tried everything. He says that he needs to focus on his life but still loves me. He says I need to just accept that he will never move for me, he will hang out with the ex, he won’t always be there for me when I need him and life doesn’t stop for me. He said when my behaviour is more stable, we could move on. How can I be stable when it’s all been so unstable? He won’t talk about anything he’s done wrong and justifies it all.

    During those 7 months, I had a nervous breakdown for 3 of them. I was in bed and nurses had to come everyday. I’d call out his name sobbing, couldn’t eat. He expected all of the wrongs in our relationship to be sorted out immediately. When he wanted to move on so quickly and ignore it all, my feelings were totally pushed aside. Both times we’ve been together, he’s wonderful for about 4 months, then it switches. He thinks it’s all the rest of his life that he’s sacrificing by being with me for some weekends. He needs to be loved by his band, so many followers, massive family, martial arts … there’s no room for me at all and he wonders why I get upset. He can’t be alone ever. He devotes everything to me passionately, then drops me and I wait until the coldness has gone.
    It’s Christmas and he’s off again, cold, just like last year. I feel so alone and I’m obsessing why?

    Please help. It’s such a cycle and I’m in constant limbo.

  291. Lisa Says:

    Dear Anne

    I’m in so much pain. I left my boyfriend of six and a half years, as it wasn’t a good relationship. I ran off with a musician. He’s 26 and I’m 33. He was so romantic and we fell madly in love, like never before, it was magical. He was so handsome and everyone loved him. I became a part of his family, moved in with them and a part of his social circle. We’d dance around the room together, laugh all the time, love the same music, go on country walks, festivals. An artist and a musician. We wanted a gypsy wedding, to travel. He wrote songs for me, I painted for him. We had tantric sex. I opened my soul. We were so passionate. I hung around with his band and made backdrops, drum skins … I made such an effort. All the girls loved him but I didn’t mind, as we were together. Then the partying started to take its toll on me and I settled. He began to spend more and more time away from me and I started to get very depressed in bed. He showed no support and began resenting me fro ruining his time. I found his facebook page open and he’d asked a ‘friend’ to his Christmas party. A pretty young girl. I went mad. He was talking to exes behind my back. I got worse and worse. On fireworks night, he said he wanted out. I got so upset and went to town while he had a fire with all his mates at his house. I was very drunk and asked him to collect me. In the car, he was shouting at me so much for being pathetic, that I opened the car door, as it was moving and fell into the road, then he accidently ran over my leg (he\’d had a bottle of whiskey). I had to go to hospital.

    We got back together at Christmas. He promised me it would all be ok and that he loved me. I had to move to London, Which is an hour away from where he lived. He said he resented me for that. It was my dream to do an Art Masters and I had gotten into the best London school. This was always my plan. He said he didn’t want a part time girlfriend and he wanted someone to slot into his life, although I had done that and he still pushed me away.

    Over Christmas my Dad went into hospital and Ross blamed me for ruining his time. He continued to party and put everyone before me. I tried to communicate. New Years Eve morning, he packed all my stuff, and his mum drove me back to my dads in London. He didn’t talk anything through with me. I couldn’t contact him for 7 months. I couldn’t see any men as I’d lost my love.

    Then came the phone call. He said he loved me and wanted us to be together, he couldn’t be without me. I was very cautious and met him. He was crying. It took a while for us to be together properly again. I found out he’d slept with that girl, who’s message I’d seen on Facebook. In our bed, kicked me out then went out with her. That didn’t work out and he had another girlfriend. Who he also introduced to the family and stayed in our room. He said he couldn’t be with anyone else as he could only think of me. So how could he have unprotected sex with them? He was going to move to London, got a job to be with me, when it came to it, he changed his mind and said to me ‘Brighton or nothing’. He was also hanging out with this ex in his crowd and expected me to be brave and see his gigs with her there. I couldn’t do it. Dance beside her to our songs? She had replaced me when we were apart and went to all those gigs.

    When we are in a room alone, its fine, a hideaway. When anything else comes into it, it’s all his way or nothing. He’s dumped me 9 times throughout. It’s so hot and cold that I don’t know where I am. I started to self-harm. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve been in counselling. It’s 5 months down the line and I’ve tried everything. He says that he needs to focus on his life but still loves me. He says I need to just accept that he will never move for me, he will hang out with the ex, he won’t always be there for me when I need him and life doesn’t stop for me. He said when my behaviour is more stable, we could move on. How can I be stable when it’s all been so unstable? He won’t talk about anything he’s done wrong and justifies it all.

    During those 7 months, I had a nervous breakdown for 3 of them. I was in bed and nurses had to come everyday. I’d call out his name sobbing, couldn’t eat. He expected all of the wrongs in our relationship to be sorted out immediately. When he wanted to move on so quickly and ignore it all, my feelings were totally pushed aside. Both times we’ve been together, he’s wonderful for about 4 months, then it switches. He thinks it’s all the rest of his life that he’s sacrificing by being with me for some weekends. He needs to be loved by his band, so many followers, massive family, martial arts … there’s no room for me at all and he wonders why I get upset. He can’t be alone ever. He devotes everything to me passionately, then drops me and I wait until the coldness has gone.
    It’s Christmas and he’s off again, cold, just like last year. I feel so alone and I’m obsessing why?

    Please help. It’s such a cycle and I’m in constant limbo.

  292. ternofski Says:

    Dear Anne

    I’m in so much pain. I left my boyfriend of six and a half years, as it wasn’t a good relationship. I ran off with a musician. He’s 26 and I’m 33. He was so romantic and we fell madly in love, like never before, it was magical. He was so handsome and everyone loved him. I became a part of his family, moved in with them and a part of his social circle. We’d dance around the room together, laugh all the time, love the same music, go on country walks, festivals. An artist and a musician. We wanted a gypsy wedding, to travel. He wrote songs for me, I painted for him. We had tantric sex. I opened my soul. We were so passionate. I hung around with his band and made backdrops, drum skins … I made such an effort. All the girls loved him but I didn’t mind, as we were together. Then the partying started to take its toll on me and I settled. He began to spend more and more time away from me and I started to get very depressed in bed. He showed no support and began resenting me fro ruining his time. I found his facebook page open and he’d asked a ‘friend’ to his Christmas party. A pretty young girl. I went mad. He was talking to exes behind my back. I got worse and worse. On fireworks night, he said he wanted out. I got so upset and went to town while he had a fire with all his mates at his house. I was very drunk and asked him to collect me. In the car, he was shouting at me so much for being pathetic, that I opened the car door, as it was moving and fell into the road, then he accidently ran over my leg (he\\\’d had a bottle of whiskey). I had to go to hospital.

    We got back together at Christmas. He promised me it would all be ok and that he loved me. I had to move to London, Which is an hour away from where he lived. He said he resented me for that. It was my dream to do an Art Masters and I had gotten into the best London school. This was always my plan. He said he didn’t want a part time girlfriend and he wanted someone to slot into his life, although I had done that and he still pushed me away.

    Over Christmas my Dad went into hospital and Ross blamed me for ruining his time. He continued to party and put everyone before me. I tried to communicate. New Years Eve morning, he packed all my stuff, and his mum drove me back to my dads in London. He didn’t talk anything through with me. I couldn’t contact him for 7 months. I couldn’t see any men as I’d lost my love.

    Then came the phone call. He said he loved me and wanted us to be together, he couldn’t be without me. I was very cautious and met him. He was crying. It took a while for us to be together properly again. I found out he’d slept with that girl, who’s message I’d seen on Facebook. In our bed, kicked me out then went out with her. That didn’t work out and he had another girlfriend. Who he also introduced to the family and stayed in our room. He said he couldn’t be with anyone else as he could only think of me. So how could he have unprotected sex with them? He was going to move to London, got a job to be with me, when it came to it, he changed his mind and said to me ‘Brighton or nothing’. He was also hanging out with this ex in his crowd and expected me to be brave and see his gigs with her there. I couldn’t do it. Dance beside her to our songs? She had replaced me when we were apart and went to all those gigs.

    When we are in a room alone, its fine, a hideaway. When anything else comes into it, it’s all his way or nothing. He’s dumped me 9 times throughout. It’s so hot and cold that I don’t know where I am. I started to self-harm. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve been in counselling. It’s 5 months down the line and I’ve tried everything. He says that he needs to focus on his life but still loves me. He says I need to just accept that he will never move for me, he will hang out with the ex, he won’t always be there for me when I need him and life doesn’t stop for me. He said when my behaviour is more stable, we could move on. How can I be stable when it’s all been so unstable? He won’t talk about anything he’s done wrong and justifies it all.

    During those 7 months, I had a nervous breakdown for 3 of them. I was in bed and nurses had to come everyday. I’d call out his name sobbing, couldn’t eat. He expected all of the wrongs in our relationship to be sorted out immediately. When he wanted to move on so quickly and ignore it all, my feelings were totally pushed aside. Both times we’ve been together, he’s wonderful for about 4 months, then it switches. He thinks it’s all the rest of his life that he’s sacrificing by being with me for some weekends. He needs to be loved by his band, so many followers, massive family, martial arts … there’s no room for me at all and he wonders why I get upset. He can’t be alone ever. He devotes everything to me passionately, then drops me and I wait until the coldness has gone.
    It’s Christmas and he’s off again, cold, just like last year. I feel so alone and I’m obsessing why?

    Please help. It’s such a cycle and I’m in constant limbo.

  293. Victoria Says:

    He walked out of my life, and he broke my heart, and I hate him with every fiber of my being. I still think of him, and I hate it. I hate him, and I am just waiting for the day when I can stop thinking about him. I am moving on. I have started working out again, and I am trying to do things that make me happy, but still I am filled with so much hatred for him, and it has changed me.

  294. lisa Says:

    It does change you Victoria. You hate them but you also long for them, even though they treated you so badly. He said that he’d only see me if I got CBT therapy. I’m already in counselling. He doesn’t realise that I behave so upset because of his treatment.
    We can do things to make us happy but I feel that everything seems empty. There are so many questions left unanswered. How can they love you and leave so easily? How comes we can try so hard and work at it and they don’t see it? I hate him so much, I wish he’d feel this same pain but he continues to live life to the full. We are left behind in a state. It’s really not fair.

  295. Victoria Says:

    Lisa, in my situation, I have decided that my ex didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about him.

    He treated me with kindness–we got on quite well, and he treated me well. I thought he knew me. I thought I knew him. I thought he understood me, and that I understood him. I thought we were connected. I thought we were friends.

    I think he left me because he felt like he could find someone who he thinks is “better.”

    We cried in each others arms, and he did everything “right.” Meaning, he was honest with me about his feelings. He told me in person. He was kind, and he even asked me to keep in touch…wished me well, blah, blah, blah, and he said he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.

    I hate him because I think I may have been falling in love with him, and he did a complete 180 in the mist of it all. I honestly did not realize how much I cared for him until he told me he was leaving me, and it just broke my heart, and I have never had my heart broken like this before….

    And because I care for him, I only want the best for him, so I let him go…. We parted as friends. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do in my life.

    I haven’t contacted him, and I won’t. I feel like if he thinks that he can find someone who he thinks is better for him than he has the right to do that, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling the pain of being dumped. At the end of the day, he dumped me, and he hasn’t contacted me, and I thought he would at least wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, or a Happy New Year, or something, but he hasn’t.

    Like you said, why is it so easy for them to walk away?
    I guess it just is…maybe because they don’t care. I don’t know either…. All I know is, if my ex wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas he would have, so I guess he didn’t care, and I can’t make him care, and I don’t want to make him care. I don’t want somebody who doesn’t want me. I want a man who is just as crazy in love with me as I am with him, and so I hate all of these feelings that I am having. I hate that I have to move on. I hate that even if he came back to me, it would never work because I don’t want to be with someone who left me because he thought he could find someone who he thinks is better.

    I hate how hard it is to move on. I hate that it takes all of this time, and I just want the feelings to go away, and I have too much respect and love for myself to allow another individual to have power over me. But he will still have power over me until I can figure out how to move on. I hate it!!!!

    But, doing things that make me happy is working somewhat. I am starting to remember some of the things that used to really make me happy, and I think I was being lazy when I looked to him to make me happy. I think I need to make myself happy–sometimes I just don’t know how, so I am trying to learn.

    I wish you the strength of your higher power in your journey, and I pray that we both will get there.

  296. Sera Says:

    My ex and I had been dating for 3 1/2 years and were very happy. We adored and doted on each other and for the first time, I didn’t question his love for me; I knew it. He even admitted to planning on proposing in the next two years and even posted on Facebook to a friend that he planned on marrying me in the near future. However, I am his first serious girlfriend and first love, and when a new attractive girl came into his friendship circle, he began to question how things would be like with her. The thing is, he’s young (18) and has never experienced the dating game, and this is the major source of the issue. As of now, we’ve decided to take a break, “postponed until further notice”, to take time for both of us to grow up a bit and see if we can do it better sometime in the future. Based on this, do you think it’s possible to have a good relationship in the future? I still love him dearly, and he says that he just can’t break himself away and misses me and can’t get me out of his head, but he knows that he has to get this out of his system. He says that he’d really like to see us back together in the future after he’s gotten over this and that “not having me makes him want me back, but this should be good for us. like a recharge.” He said that the romance didn’t die, things just got stale. I’d love to believe this, but it also seems like he wants to play the field but just doesn’t want to lose his sense of security that he has with me and is just telling me these things to keep me on the back burner. As much as I love him, I don’t deserve to be 2nd best. I’d love to have a future with him after he grows up some, but he’s changed so much from his usual adoring self that I’m scared he won’t feel as strongly. I keep reminding myself that if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, and if not, then that just means there’s someone better to be found. I know this, but it’s hard to convince my heart to stop pinning over what we had; I have never been treated this well before by any guy, so I guess I’m terrified that I’ll never have that again.

  297. personwithlongname1357 Says:

    Anne

    my boyfriend and i went out for many months and then out of the blue dumps me for no reason. i didnt understand and went the whole day in a trance thinking about us. he was exactly my type and told me everyday he loved me and we’d be together forever. today i asked him if there would be a chance if he would go out with me again because he was being super nice to me still and giving me intense stares like he did when we were going out but he said no to my offer and gave me the old “its not you its me” line. he said i was amazingly pretty and so nice but he never finished the sentence why. this bothers me and i still want him back. please please please help me!!!

  298. sara Says:

    This is probably the most selfish of situations, but I don’t know how to move on. I was with my first boyfriend, my best friend, for nearly five years. He was amazing in so many ways but I really felt that we had become just friends. I ended it. I then met someone new, who I am still with. He is brilliant, he makes me feel so special and loved, yet makes me laugh all the time. The problem is I still find myself thinking about me ex all the time and I cry and cry.. Feel sick at the thought of him moving on. I know its over and it’s all my fault but I can’t forget about him. It feels like it was just yesterday. He hates me for hurting him the way I did, which I totally deserve. I want to be strong enough to let him move on and let my new boyfriend completely in, but I don’t know how to let go.. It’s ruining everything.. I feel so guilty, so sad, I can’t sleep or eat.. Its such a mess.

    What can I do?

  299. Lau Says:

    I’ve never done this before, but I have hit rock bottom and I think what have I got to lose….

    I was with my bf 11 months and had so many good times together. we went on holiday together and i felt that no matter what happened he would always be there for me.

    During christmas, we had some bad times, things were going on in my family life, nan was ill, work was stressful and he had problems at home too. So when things got too hard for him, he decided to push me away. Instead of being understanding, I fought for him to talk to me, which pushed him away even more.

    I said things that i wish i hadnt, he said that i’ve hurt him more than i’ll ever know. I wish i would have realised when i had him, just want he meant to me, as now i live with the guilt everyday.

    I wake up everyday and it hits me again, he’s gone. I have no appetite, i lye awake everynight thinking about him and all i want is just one more chance. i feel like i can’t go on, that i just want to curl up and die to take the horrible pain away.

    He refuses to talk to me at all, said that he’s tried enough but we’ve never broken up or even had space away from each other before.

    I’ve tried meeting friends, going out and having fun, but it never works. Everyday i just make it through the hours, to curl up and hide in my duvet again away from everyone.

    We work in the same building and the thought of him downstairs carrying on with his life just hurts even more. He wont tell me if he has feelings anymore, if he still loves me, just says that I nned to move on.

    everyone has told me to move on with my life, to get over it he’s just some guy, but i have never felt so low… i cant get away from the horrible feeling inside that is niggling away :(

    my friends and family are annoyed with me now, its been 4 weeks and my life has stopped.

    i’ve tried and everything and would absolutley anything for just one more chance to be with him again.

    i’ve tried your tips and nothing works….. please please help

  300. Julie Says:

    To Lau,

    Hi, I really feel for you and it happened to me, my guy works at my work and we went out with each other for 18months, he told me he loved me everyday and we saw each other everday at lunch time. Then the rat stopped talking to me for no reason and I discovered he had another girl who he goes out with at lunch times. This has been the hardest thing in my life but you will get over it in time, it won\’t happen over night but it does get better. Rise above it, move on and let him see that you have a life too. Yes it does hurt but if he\’s not that into you anymore then you can not make him want you. Why go with someone when they don\’t care about you. I could snap my fingers at my bloke now and he would coming running but for sex only and have no respect for me tomorrow, so don\’t go down this route, I tried it once thinking I was going to get him back but it just made me more depressed when I seen him having fun with his girlfriend. Look in the mirror and say to yourself, how dare this man distroy me, start to get a life and keep on fighting that feeling, it will get better. Stay strong

  301. Mbali Says:

    Very good practical advise!! thank you

  302. somebody you don't know... Says:

    wish i could get over him but i can’t..it’s my fault :( and being alone makes things worse because he’s always on my mind..he was truly amazing, never going to find somebody like him again and he loved me..he did, but i ruined everything.

  303. sara Says:

    i know wha you mean i have destroyed my marrage 8 years ago as i was suffering from PND i pushed him away and treated him badly over the past 8 years i have got better but now hes come back and engaged but seeing him made me realise what i lost everyday is a struggle as i have to see him every week at least as we have a son i have never been able to hold a relationship down because i wanted to find him again i wrecked everything and its onlt going to get worse

  304. lara Says:

    Hey Anne,

    I come from Belgium, so my English is not that good, but I hope you’ll understand what I want to say/ ask … what I’m going to tell is actually very selfish.

    the person I loved also was my best friend. we were making fun and staying up all night to talk and philosophize and laugh our lungs out. we had the same thoughts and expectations of life so we fit perfect together.. at first it was blind affection and passion. But then he became a true friend who was also a lover. We know each other more then we know ourselves.

    We were together for almost two years and he actually did not do anything wrong in our relationship (or not that much, instead of flirting with other girls, I became very suspicious of). But in that time I couldn’t handle the fact a person loved me, I didn’t realize that I could really loose him. I was selfish and I hurt him a lot because I couldn’t think rational. we just felt into the same pattern over and over again. until one day I did something very cruel, I now regret. we have not talked for six months. I felt like I lived to survive. I drank, ate, laughed with friends. but I didn’t felt sadness or happiness. I just lived. Then I realized I never ever loved someone like I loved him. He was a nice person and I wanted to spent my life with him. I changed and I contacted him. After a while we did things together, we said we loved each other, it was just like in the good old days but without fighting. However, we both knew we weren’t together because that wasn’t possible.

    A few days ago he went on holiday. I did not heard from him for six days, he was ignoring me and I knew there was something going on. When he was home again I saw his face and knew immediately what was going on. He said he had flirt with some girl and they ended up in the bedroom, he said he wasn’t in love with her. It hurt more when he said he didn’t love me anymore. He was very rough and just laughed when I wanted to talk about it. Now he said he still wants to be friends. but I cannot be with him without loving him. what do I have to do? Do I have to say we still can be friends with the risk that I’ll get hurt a thousand times. Or do I have to say I don’t want to see him anymore and my life turns into live to survive again. I know, in both cases, I’ll always be hoping for something that won’t come. Oh, I sometimes wish I can go back in time just to change some things.

  305. lara Says:

    Because be honest: a true friend is hard to find and cannot be replaced.

  306. Caro Says:

    Hey Anne. I’m writing to you because right now i’m going through a horribl break-up. I’m only 21, but hav been with my ex for 4 1/2 years. It has been a wonderful relationship and we were each others first everything. There has been some complications because we both thought that we wer very young, once he broke up because he wanted to b himself and independent because he was so young. But I kept on fighting for him and after a month, the frst time we saw each other, we got back together. 4 months ago I went travelling, and i wanted a break while i was there because i wanted to be myself completely. He accepted it and we were both sure that we would get back together some day. But, a short time before i got home he wrote a very short message saying that he was now sur that he didn’t want a relationship ever again, that his feeling werent the same and it was over forever. A week before he wrot m that his felings hadn’t changed, and that he could see us together some day. I was so confused, and he couldn’t really xplain it, he sais that i must have misread or that it just ment that I would always be special to him. Now,a month after, he hasn’t changed his mind. I’m so devestated and I just want him back in my life. He is now travelling for a month, and im having a really hard time, not writing to him. I have done it a couple of times, trying to change his mind. I just don’t understand how he could change so fast and why he is acting so cold, like he doesn’t care. He was so loving towards me in our relationship and we were both sure that we were soulmates. Help me!

  307. Sophia Says:

    already gone… i know i have to accept that to trully move on but its so difficult, they say time heals everything its been 5 months now and things only get worse, its rather hard if you dont any friends to help you on the process, ive dated him for 7 years, i lost myself in him \”WE/YOU replaced the I\” , i had friends, goals was a happy person but he was a total mess, so with time i started to invest all my time on him, by the time i realize i stop going out, didnt care for nothing as long as im with him..and now …that he is okay, got new friends a job that he loves he just doesnt care anymore, i feel used and betrayed , already sleeping with another woman but saying things like \”you will be the only woman i will ever love, someday..\” . I know that he doesnt deserve me and i hate myself for even thinking about him, but i cant control it, i was so strong and independent and now i fell like my life is over even if im only 21 years old i just cant seem to get over him, i spent my entire life since i was 14 with a guy that i never knew how can this be possible? hiting the gym,writing listen to music, studying working im even taking piano lessons for god sake, but still im always checking his facebook like a crazy ex, i dont know who am i anymore , only drugs can help me avoid emotions (and i was a type of person that never smoke). I have guys hiting on me but i feel disgusted cuz i imagine him being with her doing the same things. Im in a really bad place now, a stranger to myself. i just hope im lucky as you are and meet a nice guy that can really break this wall im building

  308. Katie Says:

    Myex broke up with me 4 months ago. The reason he gave me was that he was busy at work. A few weeks ago, he emailed me asking what is new with me and saying that he wants to be friends.(He also mentioned that he is less busy at work now.)

    I replied, telling him what is new in my life. He responded to that email and I in turn responded to his. Now it has been 2 weeks and he hasn’t written back. I was wondering what this means. Does he really want to be friends? Why is it that he suddenly contacted me, but now is taking a while to write back?

  309. Lady N Says:

    Very good advice listed above. I was recently involved with someone i knew and was infatuated with since highschool. He really had a hold on me for some odd reason. He didnt have a job, he had no money, car or house of his own. He had 5 kids frm previous relationships and for some reason i looked all that over. Shortly after i started sensing that he was using me. Here i am very successful, ambitious and taking care of myself and everything around me. I made the mistake of taking him bk for a second time after we had broke up before. Clearly things did not change and he showed me in more ways that he didnt care about me the way i did for him. For us to be in a relationship, it seemed as though we were on separate pages. It hurt the first time to let him go, but this time seemed not to be so bad. Dnt knw whether it was because i expected or anticipated this would happen. To make the long story short im over him and have moved on with my life. Definitely no STRIKEOUTS here!! ;-) )

  310. ezra dreadras Says:

    man i just broke up with my man.. he broke up with me over a text…like about a month ago.. what i cannot understand is why when i ran into him he acted as if we were still together.. and it was really crazy???????????

  311. linzey Says:

    Dear Anne.
    I have been with so many guys I know what it feels like to just get yout heart broken just by puppylove. lets start from the beginning, this boy liked me in the sixth grade, I didnt like him at all. I thought he was annoying and rude he ended up beingmy bestfriend.. .he wanted to be with me so bad he tried EVERYTHIG && I just didnt.see him more then a friend. time flew by an when we were 8th graders he started talking to all the “preppy kids” and stopped talking to me. when I was just a sophmore i was getting over one of my exes he was friends with my ex so if course I tried talking to him so I could get closer to,my wx because I wanted him back. He helped me through soo,much, soon enough after time passed by I was prettu sure sure of myself that I liked him. I told him and of course he played hard to get I just kept trying. Soon enough we were attached to eachother e were bestfriends all over again. weve been through so,much stuff together, he was my highschool sweetheart, we just recently broke up, im 18 now an hes almost 19 we were together for almost 3years. We were together 24/7 all day. We would fight an break up an get back together but no,natter what happened we alwaus ended up back in eachothers arms. I havent mintioned this part yet and sometimes I wish I didnt have to.,in the beginning when he was playinf mind games with me I ended up almost havong sex with this kid that was obsessed with me this gurl that was supposed to be my friend went behind my back and told him, I didnt tell her the guy that was obsessed with me did and what pissed me off the most was that I wanted to be the one that told him. Ever since that nothing was ever the same. We tried so hard to fix tjings we never gave up on eachother. we were together for a whole year after it he started hitting me all tge time I had bruises everywhere his parents knew and we were going to get counsiling but never did cause things got better now were over its been three days hes ignored me its almost my birthday and he just texted me 8minutes im going to ignore him just because he told me I would have the best 18h birthday everan were not together so now im going to have the worsti feel like things will get better for me because of all the support ppl have given me but im still lost can you please help

  312. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    When I first read your comment, I thought you were going to say you were in your 30s. I had no idea you were so young and so experienced.

    What’s happened in your life? Why have you got so little self-confidence? You hate yourself and don’t think you have any value whatsoever. Men paying attention to you give you some sort of temporary contentment. However, as soon as they look away, you go falling once again.

    If you carry on like this you’ll be 25, with several kids, and on the street. You said nothing about your education at all. School was categorized by which boy you were ‘going out’ with. Why is this so?

    Have you got plans for the future? Are you going to college? What do you envision for the rest of your life? Where will you work?

    You see, these are all very important questions which have nothing to do with boys. Boys shouldn’t make you who you are. You don’t even seem to love any of them. You just want to be in a relationship of some kind, just to pretend you’re not alone.

    This is hard to say and hard for you to take in. I know this. The trouble you have has nothing to do with any of these boys. It’s all about you. Take a break from all men, relationships, sex, crushes etc.

    Take at least 6 months off to consider your life and what you want to get out of it. I have no advice for the problem you’ve outlined above. You’ll see all this clearly when you remove yourself from the vicious circle of, men, men, men, and start concentrating on you and building yourself up. What are you doing with someone who’s hitting you at your age?

    Visit me at my blog and let me know how your time out works for you.

  313. Linzey Says:

    Im going to school, I graduate in december. Im going to start college in january. BUt you know wht your so right. I used to do really bad in school only worried about being loved and not being alone I hated being alone. Its just so hard , yhis is just so hard I feel lost. I dont know what I want to do when im older im thinking about being a nerse but I JUST FEEL TOO STUPID, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT MY FIRST STEP WOULD BE. MY MOTHER HAD 8kids. Atyershe raised the first 5 she pretty much gave up on all the rest. Shes still here but shes bipolaR all or a sudden and acts really weird… I never really had anything to guide me in life, not that im using that as an excuse im just saying I messed up in school, only cared tohave a boyfriend my parents never made me go to school, I WASNT TAGHT MUCH BESIDES WHT I DID LEARN IN SCHOOL AN EVERYTHING ELSE I TAUGHT MYSELF. im barley starting to find myself, who I am in life an what I want out of it

  314. Anne Lyken Garner Says:

    I understand what you’re saying. I had sort of a similar background. My parents dumped me with a grandmother who hated me.

    Anyway, that said. Success will be sweeter for you when you make it on your own – with God’s help. Have you got an aunt, a teacher, a nana or an older person you can trust? Lean on that person for some guidance.

    I suggest asking your school nurse to have yourself checked for bipolar or dyslexia. She should do it if you say you have concerns about either or both of these. If she doesn’t, ask your doctor. They have a responsibility to help you.

    If you know about this early, you’ll get the help you need. The boy-thing may be a signal that something is not quite right. My son is dyslexic and I can see some typical dyslexic traits in the way you write. I’m surprised no one bothered to check before.

    Please follow up and let me know how you get on with the school nurse. You can achieve anything you wish. Lots of very successful people are bipolar or dyslexic. Your future will be what you make it. Then you can raise your family differently from the way your mum did.

    If you carry on this way you’ll be worse off than she is, then your kids will be in a terrible position. You certainly don’t want to perpetuate this type of thing.

  315. A loving Spirit Says:

    Dear Anne,
    Ive read through all the post, looking for a situation similar to mine. Im going through what I think is the most devastating heartbreak of all times, coz my heart is ripping into tiny little bits inside of me.
    I have had my own share of heartbreaks, rejection and all sort of emotional eish. I withdrew for a whole year from relationships to work on my esteem and overcoming the anxiety and panic attack I usually suffer whenever I feel like I am being rejected. I moved over to the U.S from Africa, started dating this guy whom I thought was the best thing that happened to me. I bragged about him to all my friends and family. I said, he was Gods way or rewarding me for all the brokeness i had to live through in my childhood. However, all through the 10months I dated him, up until the break up, my gut feeling was that the was some other girl he was messing with. Though each time I asked, he will say- she was his ex girlfriend but they still do business together being the reason why they still communicated. I put up with this excuse for 10months and finally I checked his phone and saw a message that sounded just too romantic for an ex/biz partner relationship. When I saw the message, he told me a story of how, the girls family wants him to marry her, and are trying to give him some evil portion just to make sure he marries her, and they both have some financial commitments and he is taking one step at a time to break up with the girl. Sounded to me, like a proper explanation to soothe the pain then, or the sudden realization that the so called beautiful might have been a lie all along. The next day, I called the lady, had a chat with her- took the bullets in my chest-i realised they had been dating since 2008 (3yrs). I was so shocked to even find out from our discussion that there were several things he had lied to me about. Same line he used in telling the girl how special she was to him, he told me too. At that point in time, not knowing wat was true anymore, I opened up to the girl and told her all my ex boyfriend had said concerning the charm, and how he didnt want to marry her. Dear Anne, to cut the long story short, my ex boyfriend went to see the other woman, she confronted him, he called me infront of her and told me never to contact him ever and he wasnt ready for the games I was playing. He blamed me for betraying his trust and telling the lady all he had told me. I cried and thought the fault was mine, for telling the lady what he had said. I begged him, told him I was sorry, felt like i was loosing him- How could all the love he once professed just disappear all of a sudden? We met up, I cried, apologized, told him I was dealing with so much I couldnt imagine going on without me, he said we could never ever get back together- not even a friendship. He really didnt even admit the lies or cheating. Just said, he was sorry for anything he had done to me.
    The fear of rejection all over again. I gave this relationship my all, for 10months I loved him without holding back. Through all the rambling and the long story, I need your help, coz I feel so devastated and want to move on. I shouldnt be begging, but there I was begging him to stay with me, even after he cheated. Please Help.

  316. A loving Spirit Says:

    I left out the fact that, the other woman told me, that she caught him in bed with another woman in July and that I was the 5th girl calling her to find out if she had anything to do with him. Its hard to reconcile the guy I thought he was, to what is brutally unfolding before my eyes now. He told me to move on, I got to my lowest point begging for him to stay with me, but he said never in this life time. And the other lady sent me a text telling me they had made up their relationship.whew!!!!! Heartbreaking aint it??

  317. ysa Says:

    i find your blog interesting and i used some of your advise. my experience is a lttle bit complicated at least for me. I met this guy online and chatted and texted for 6 months. we agreed to meet up and have sex. He was my first time, and he is my first so-called boyfriend, i never had any relationship before him actually. we spend two days together and I loved being with him. though there are traits i really dont like about him. we separate ways knowing that he has to get back to his real girlfriend . 2 weeks later i felt guilty about doing it and i was left hanging because i dont know what was our “relationship” all about? do you think i love the guy even if it was my first time to see him? why is he not flushed totally out of my system? its been 2 months since that happened to me.

  318. miss rkd Says:

    Dear Anne

    You are truly amazing i sense such gratitude from the rest of the women who have seeked your advice. However, i would like to know if there is any other way of contacting you maybe an email address etc. It is desperately needed.

    thanking you
    rkd

  319. toney Says:

    toney

    The love of my life dumped me a while ago and I could not get back into any shape mentally. I love him so much I could not think, eat, talk, or walk without the ache in my heart and the thoughts in my head that were about him and the guilt I feel at cheating on him. I so wish that I could have changed the clock back and never to have experienced the raw lesson of adultery. He was so angry when he found out. Yes quite right. I am guilty. I did not think of an outcome. Ayelala shrine has helped me so much. Firstly to move the big breaks in my heart and to see all things differently. Then to ease my way through a different door in my head. He made me realize my self respect and understand the reason I have done such a thing to hurt my husband.I now believe in the powers of Ayelala shrine as my husband has said we could work things out. Thank you ayelalashrine@gmail.com thank you very much

  320. Jy Says:

    O.K

    Can someone please, please help me. I had ai4 1/2 year relationship with who i guess was the love of my life. I have a child with a disability from a prior relationship and he was there for us but we never moved in together & the relationship was getting more & more emotionally abusive. The reason was that he was commencing a relationship with the next door neighbour who had been my friend for 7 years. Its a year down the track & I am still not over this, I have seen a counsellor, commenced study & tried what I can to make myself ok. But the betrayal & the way the relationship ended still cuts deep & the friends I had with him & her don’t want to know me. I cannot move & she wont so I feel like I am going around in circles-any advice would be appreciated I feel so stuck & so worthless. I am in my mid 40’s and do not feel there is anything or anyone for me

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  322. solie Says:

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  324. Amanda Says:

    Hello, my boyfriend and i have been together for four years and i asked him if he wanted his break from me becaus he wanted one a year ago but i was scared and couldn’t do it. His response was that he does’t know what he wants but he’s happy. So i don’t know if i should just tell him lets do a break and see if that will help him figure out what he wants? Im lost.

  325. YvetteGH Says:

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  326. Hollie Says:

    All of this advice is easier said than done…& will never help you clear your mind of the memories you had with the person… unfortunately, your mind will never escape those thoughts :(

  327. ISABELLA Says:

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  328. mellisa Says:

    My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you ultimate spell.you are truly talented and gifted.Email:ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man.ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com

  329. mary Says:

    “I was just so confused and my attempts were all going down the drain. I was giving up all the hope of getting my “Mr. Perfect” back into my life, until i found Priest Andrew who helped me out. He helped me make the perfect plan and there I was lying in the arms of the man I always wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Trust me it’s a miracle of how it all happened. Moreover, it just happened all so quickly after I had a spell cast by him. Before that it was months and months, and I was tired at trying to rekindle the spark with my old flame. in case you ever want to get your ex back, or you desire to have someone, priestandrew91@yahoo.com is were you can get help. Mary

  330. Ela Says:

    I am more than sorry for ever doubting you. I should have know you possess true powers when you accepted my case. I am now a believer of what you do and that there are powers we normal humans can not understand. Thank you for bringing my husband back to me. if you desire help contact this real spell caster on Templeofloveandmoney@gmail.com

  331. Talbott Says:

    I told Dr,jaja about my problem and told him needed a spell to get my ex back. He assured me he could help me, so i did all the necessary things he asked me to and i made payment for the spells. He told me he would come back to me in 7 days. i waited and on the 7th day, behold i saw him Crying, begging for forgiveness. Dr,jaja contant e-mail is jaja12demonsspell@gmail.com or Email:jaja12demonsspell@gmail.com

    Talbott

  332. robbie Says:

    “My case and friends was so different, but the goal was the same- to get our ex back. Well we were not sure if spell might suit any of us, but behold! It did! priestandrew91@yahoo.com worked wonderfully for me and her, and now we are swooning in love with our ex lovers again” – Robbie

  333. jssttripler Says:

    I like to read it …. Great effort by the author, really appreciative work..
    I hope every one in future will adopt your information,, Keep it and share more..
    Thanks..

  334. Vera Says:

    There is this great spell caster on the internet i just met through a friends description and he have just helped me to get back my lover i am so glad that i met with him he is just on the internet to help people and i am among those he have helped and i am telling you to also go and get hold of your own solution as he shall soon be living the internet he said he was sent on a mission to the internet to come and help people and to make those who are at a cross road be back to life just meet him with your problems and consider it a solution. His email is: Ancientspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  335. Carlos Says:

    Its’s so much positive energy around me again. I haven’t felt like this for months, maybe years. And now when they broke up and she calling me to get back together and all..WOW I am so happy for what agbalaxy@gmail.com has done for me. Carlos

  336. nelilo Says:

    what will i have done if not for ultimate spell.i want to say thank you very much for the time you took with me in helping me to get my ex back who break up with me 5 months ago because we have a little misunderstanding and i was in need to get him back which i met this spell caster online who cast a love spell for me which i use in getting back my ex and now we are about to get married.i am so happy ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com is the only answer to all your problems you can contact him only him can help.

  337. cheney Says:

    My name is cheney from uk. I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR.EGOGO he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is egogotemple@yahoo.com

  338. Carl Says:

    I was heartbroken that my husband moved in with another woman so I had a spell to bring him back home and stop the affair he had with her. In just 2days he left her and went to live at the motel. He called to say so and get news of the kids. The discussion was pleasant, as if he was changing to become the man I knew when we got married. It was exactly as you said…. Now he’s back home and is absolutely crazy about me. I am so thrilled by this spell that I cant find the right words to say how I feel right now. All I can decently say is that you changed my life and saved the most important thing in my life: my family, way to contact my savior is wiseindividualspell@gmail.com.

  339. mrs jennifer Says:

    My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Dr. opingo spell.you are truly talented and gifted. Email: alterofcandletemple@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man………..mrs jennifer

  340. John Says:

    My Name is John. I will love to share my testimony to all my friends because i never believe i will have my girlfriend back. When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her Facebook and she changed her Facebook status.when i went to her to her place of work she told her friends she never want to see me.I tried all i could do to have her back with me but all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to meet my aunt.I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how she embarrass me in her place of work,he told me he is going to help me but don’t believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him,he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back home the following day and i called him when i got home,he said he is busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 3 days that is Thursday. My girlfriend called me at exactly 10:35am on Thursday and apologies for all she had done, she said she never knew what she’s doing she promised not to do that again.It was like am hallucinating when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my girlfriend called me on phone apologies. Am posting this to the forum for everybody that is interested in meeting the man for help this is his email address :Ancientijebudespelltemple@gmail.com All i have to say is THANK YOU DOCTOR

  341. Natalia Says:

    He told me to stay calm and let the spell do it’s work, which indeed it did. Not even 3-4 days later, Wells called me and asked me out for a drink. He apologized to me and sincerely begged me for forgiveness and to give him another chance. I loved this man so much, I could not say no. He now treats me like a princess better than before if I may add. Dr. Ogun made a believer out of me. I wrote to him and apologized for my rudeness and lack of trust and patience. He also explained to me that magic is not like a push-button kind of thing. It sometimes takes longer than anticipated but it always works and he was right. You may also need help in your love life and i recommend him as he is a great spell caster. Contact him via: Templeofloveandmoney@gmail.com

  342. missu Says:

    my name is missu and I am happy that wiseindividualspell@gmail.com help me bring my boyfriend back, my boyfriend has started loving me again and he has promise to get married to me and have kids with me, he said he love me and he will never go close to any woman accept me and promise to get married to me next week.

  343. Lisa Says:

    Hey Anne.. This is Lisa here. I read many of your above comments. Its really encouraging to some extent. I got married and ofcourse it was an arrange marriage. I loved him to the bottom of my heart and left my priorities or him. He too loved me undoubtedly, but somewhere in his love was conditions. He wanted me to agree for each and every thing as per his wish. If he was angry on something, he wont speak out and clear th things, he will completely stop talking to me for 3-4 days. I accepted the things the way those were. But he had complaints with everything. He blamed me on things based on the assumptions of his mind which were never a fact. Now we separated legally. Its been six months, but my somewhere still I am lost in that phase of life. I have lost all confidence courage and positivity. I feel scared to move on. I feel i cannot trust anyone in future.

  344. joan Says:

    Hello readers,
    my name is Joan i want to testify about a great spell caster that help me cast a spell that bring my ex boyfriend back to without collecting any money from me. I broke up with my ex with just little misunderstanding hoping we will get back shortly,but things was growing worser until i contacted Dr Okoase who help me with his historical powers to bring him back, without charging me any money, i have never believed in a spell caster until i come across Dr Okoase. Well it will be of great sin if i should go out from here without dropping the contact of this great spell caster,in case you need the help of this great spell caster you can contact him through his email: templeofgreatspell@gmail.com
    once you contact him all your problems will be over,once again i say very big thanks to you sir for helping me to recover my ex back, and please sir keep your good work cause people need your helping hand in their lives.

  345. Brenda Says:

    Believe it or not, there are certain text messages that can have him thinking about you. Michael Fiore explains it really well with a cartoon (It’s actually impressive). Here’s the link: http://www.TheTextCartoon.com

  346. joy philip Says:

    THE GREAT POWERFUL SPELL CASTER THAT BRING BACK MY EX BOYFRIEND.
    I just wanted to say thank you prophet amed for all you have done for me.
    He is back now. That very powerful spell to STOP THE DIVORCE – and get my ex boyfriend back.
    My name is Joy Philip, from Canada. I never believed in love
    spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa
    march this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is PROPHET DR AMED
    he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone,
    lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or
    luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to
    marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because
    our
    relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was
    against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster,
    i
    told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At
    first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try.
    And
    in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend(now husband) called me by
    himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with
    his
    mother and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I
    didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my
    boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now
    and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job
    and
    our lives became much better.in case you are in any situation you can contact
    prophet at his email solutionhome39yahoo.com or his personal cell +2347053375151
    Thank you for all your help prophet.

  347. jamesmoon Says:

    I live in united state, Two years ago i married a lady called saline, we had two children together, we were very happy to be husband and wife, so when i travel on business trip to Brazil, i spent 1 years in Brazil due to my kind of business, i and my wife talked on phone all the time, we chat on the Internet, i never knew that my wife had started cheating on me by going out with her old school friend called mark, i never knew something was going wrong till i came back from my trip, then i and My wife started having problems, she goes out and come back late at night, she changed in a strange way that i could not endure, i tried to do everything to please her but it got worst, so one day she left the house and never came back, i tried reaching her but no way i could reach her, i never knew she traveled with her new lover which was mark, i wanted her so much because of the children she left for me and because i loved her so much too, because of the heart break she put me into, i went into search of a real magic spell caster I was scammed twice by a spell caster, but I never relented in my search because I want a happy life with my wife, so one morning i saw testimony about a spell caster prophet harry, so i contacted him and to my greatest surprise this prophetharry@ymail.com made life manful for me again, my wife came back to me, i took her back and I am now settled with my wife by the magic power of prophet harry spell .
    James moon’

  348. vanessia Says:

    When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones. I found alteroffiretemple@gmail.com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m so glad I did and trusted him. He performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell. After 3days, the man I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again. Thank you

  349. okakagbe Says:

    *You have reached a Place where you can have a fast acting Love Spell cast
    by a real spell caster within 24 Hours!*

    If you want a very experienced *real authentic White Witch* to cast a
    powerful Spell for love for you, then you’ve come to the right place. An
    experienced Witch will have a wide knowledge of Magic Spells and how to
    cast them for the best results. An experienced Witch will know which Love
    Spell will suit your specific situation and be happy and confident to cast
    for you.

    Whatever your current love situation I’m sure I can help. I am expert at
    complex cases, love triangles, attracting a true soul mate, getting
    attention from someone special and gaining back an ex. I can cast a Reunite
    Spell, Soul Mate Spell, Complex Case Love Spells or any other Love Spell
    you may need.

    Casting Magic Love Spells and making love potions has been going on for
    centuries. We all want to love and be loved so it is understandable to do
    everything in ones power to make this happen.

    But the course of true love seldom runs smoothly and no
    matter how we try finding someone special and keeping them loving, faithful
    and committed can have its problems. That’s where a Love Spell comes in. If
    you have done everything within your power it might be time to place your
    trust in casting a Love Spell.

    I can cast for you a *Love Spell* as soon as possible that could really
    help with your current love situation. I am very experienced at casting
    Love Spells with great results.
    Email him @ ACOGBESPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM

  350. Josh Says:

    Dr. Ogun, I couldn’t wait to update you on what has happened. I requested the absolute good luck money spell be cast only last Thursday. Over the weekend I found $100.00 laying on the ground outside my apartment, purchased a lotto ticket and won $10,000 from that and won a new car from a sweepstakes! To top it off, I went into work on Monday and got the promotion I had been wanting! I could not believe how fast your spells work. You are the best in the world i will tell the world about your greatness contact him via email: Templeofloveandmoney@gmail.com

  351. Efe Says:

    This message is pass out to my viewer out there that i have been in love with Adriano and he is in love with another lady.I went to him and express my feeling to him but he turn me down not until i meet the powerful spell caster who casted a love spell on him and now he love me with all his life and cannot do without me for an hour.Thanks to ogogospelloraclee@gmail.com for is spiritual spell.

  352. Jessica ruiz Says:

    My name is Jessica Ruiz from Florida I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine Lucy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr Shiva. I email Dr Shiva the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Shiva for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is: hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too.

  353. sophia Says:

    I have moved into a new apartment with my family recently. I always have goose bumps & hear strange noises during the night. My friend recommended me a paranormal investigation services team but it’s too expensive. Having no other alternative, I found your website & it is so cheap compared to others. Few days after you had cast your spell for me, those unwanted goosebumps & strange noises vanished until today. You should have increase your fees.you can also contact him in any kind of problem you are facing his contact is churchofproblemsolvedchurch@yahoo.com

  354. susan Says:

    LOVE SPELL

    This powerful White magic love spell is tailored to bring your lover back in your arms permanently and with no delay. I use the best spell casting techniques to make your lover come home. This spell is customized to your situation and deals specifically with the barriers that have risen between you and your ex-partner. One by one, all obstacles will be removed until your lover realizes that leaving you was a mistake and desire nothing but coming back into your arms.you can also contact him in is email
    address /dr.kokotemple@gmail.com

  355. vera williams Says:

    I have been praying for years hopeing to have a better financial life but nothing seems to happen. 8months ago out of curiosity, I bought your Lottery Spell & I won! Even though I didn’t hit the Jackpot but this is the first time in my life I did it.thanks to this man that cast a spell for which i
    use in palying this lottery and i won i am grateful god bless you.if you need him for assinstance you can contact him in his email adderss/churchofproblemsolvedchurch@yahoo.com

  356. evenly zero Says:

    thanks to this man how sovle all my problem in just 3days he is really a great man and a real spell caster he helped me bring back ex boyfriend who left me over 12mouths ago he is a great man you can contact him email /dodogodssolution@yahoo.com/posted by evenly zero

  357. Mary Says:

    he bring my boyfriend back

    i am Mary and i want to thank Dr.rivers for bringing back my ex boyfriend, we broke up for more than 8 month and he told me that he will never want to see me in his life again. i love him so much to the extend that i could not think of deating any man again, i was confused and depress due to the love i had for him.i did everything i could do to have him come back to me but all went in vain. so i decided to contact a spell caster, i did not believe in spell casting i just want to try it may be it would work out for me. i contacted dr rivers for help,and he told me that he have to cast a love spell on him, i told him to do it. after 5 days my boyfriend called me and started to apologize for leaving me and also he told me that he still love me. i was very happy and i thank dr rivers for helping get back my ex back to my hands. his spell is the greatest of all over the world, it was the love spell he cast on my ex that make him come back to me. all you ladies who want back their ex back i want you to contact Dr.rivers for the return of your ex boyfriend and also your ex girlfriend he can also cast any kind of spell you want him to cast for you. his contact email is dr.rivershebalisthome@gmail.com just try him and their will be a solution to your case.

  358. Joannie Says:

    What a bunch of spam-type crap here at the end of the comments!

  359. Donald Simon Says:

    I now have my dream house and my right job which i asked you to help me with ancientijebudespelltemple@gmail.com, your powerful job Spell has changed my life and that’s why all my friends cant stop asking me how i managed to get to a better life. Dr Ijebu i thank you so much,i will always praise your gods name Donald Simon

  360. Joy Bruno Says:

    It’s unbelievable how fortunate I feel after finding your website. For the past 6 months, I have been so depressed after losing my fiancé to another woman. My money situation worsened so much that I thought I’d have to file for bankruptcy. I had a huge amount of debt and I didn’t know what to do. Out of complete and total desperation, I contacted many of those so-called individuals who promised powerful magic, witchcraft or black magic. None of them worked and none were as wonderful, affectionate and warm as mojo has been. He is definitely different from the others and I felt immediate hope and strength from hearing about the promises he had to offer. He carries an air of purity and divine strength that is as pure as fresh snow on the ground. I requested mojo’s most powerful spells and I was relieved right away that I had someone to solve my problems for me. His spells worked wonders and I am now back with my fiancé and my money troubles resolved itself after winning the lottery. mojo, I have no idea what I would have done without you being there to help me out his email is mojospiritualtemple@yahoo.com

  361. Mrs. Monica Roland Says:

    fell apart. I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones. I found alteroffiretemple@gmail.com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m so glad I did and trusted him. He performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell. After 3days, the man I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again. Thank you

  362. suzan Says:

    fell apart. I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones. I found alteroffiretemple@gmail.com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m so glad I did and trusted him. He performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell. After 3days, the man I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again. Thank you

  363. vanessia Says:

    Hello,
    i understand all what you have said, this temple has be existing for many years ago and i have be doing this work for the past 37 years and i specialize on bringing ex back to there love one

  364. Lenascuwhu Says:

    “I have a very hard case and you were my last hope… I had wasted loads of money with other spell casters but never had results… I decided to use your most powerful spell and it is the best investment I have ever made. Your powers are real and you can consider me as a friend for life, thanks to mukumukushrine@gmail.com.

  365. gorgeamani Says:

    My girlfriend recently ended a 2 year relationship a few weeks ago. She said she wanted more time to do her own thing and not have to worry about being with someone. To me that meant she was looking for other people. But now shes saying shed rather not hook up with random guys, but i want to thanks to prophetharry@ymail.com from the bottom of my heart. after i received a love spell form prophet after some days my girlfriend realize that it was a mistake for living me for another guy. I happy now that things are better since prophet harry cast the spell to my girlfriend back.
    gorge

  366. shamuspiritualtemple@gamil.com Says:

    my testimony goes to DR stone spell temple,me and my ex breakup 5 months ago and she told me that she dont love me any more and went to be with another guy.i was still in love with her and need her back i try to get her back but all my effort was in vail until i reach out to the internet for help and i saw a testimony of a spell caster,i decided to give it a tryand i contacted him and tell him my problem.He cast a love spell for me and guarantee me of three days that my ex will come back to me and to my greatest suprise my ex come back to me and beg for forgiveness and promise never to live me again,i am so happy my ex is back to me again,thank you ultimate spell for reuniting me and my ex back together again.if you need him to help you Email shamuspiritualtemple@gamil.com

  367. miss mercy Says:

    dodogodssolution@yahoo.com my thanks to you for a great works

    When I married my husband I was already pregnant and so I didn’t have a job. He had a really good job though so I was able to stay home and take care of our son when it was born. When we had our second child we moved to a bigger house, but then strange things started to happen. Things would fly off the walls and doors would slam at night. Our oldest son talked about seeing figures and hearing voices. We consulted a medium and they said the house was haunted. After living there about a year more with only minor occurrences we moved out. That was when the bad luck started to happen. Everything started to fail, with my husband’s job, our money and our luck in general. I went back to the same medium and they told me that a spirit had followed me and placed a curse upon me for disturbing it and not being respectful in the previous house. He tried to remove it but was unable. The misfortune kept going on and getting more severe as I tried to search out someone to break the curse. But when I found Dr.dodogods spell he finally did it. Things started turning around almost immediately after he cast the spell and have been great from there! This was really a miracle for us, thank you Dr.dodogods spell from the bottom of my heart!
    Posted by. miss mercy

  368. Stephanie Says:

    Hello dr,kokotemple. I recieved an order from you a couple of months ago. I would just like to thank you very much as both talismans have really helped me. I had ordered the Mystique Talisman and the Spirit Calling Talisman which have both been very effective. I will be in touch within the next few weeks to order some more items from you. Meantime once gain many thanks to you and your special powers.his email address is dr,kokotemple@gmail.com

  369. miss joy Says:

    miss joy

    Dr.kokotemple, and friends, I wanted to give you an update on my situation. On Feb 14, 2006 I requested a binding love spell be cast on my boyfriend. His eyes roamed to any woman that passed us and it made me feel horrible. I am happy to report that a week after I requested the spell he proposed to me. We have been married for a year now, are expecting our first child in Nov. 2009 and he no longer has eyes for any other woman. I was greatly impressed with the fast results and the personal attention I was shown during the casting and beyond.he is real a good spell caster email dr.kokotemple@gmail.com

  370. BEST Says:

    I want to start first by saying a big “thank you” to shiva! There are a bunch of nuts out there just trying to make a fast buck, but you are legitimate! I prayed before I went online that God would send me exactly where I needed to go to find help for my problems in the love department, and I mean I went STRAIGHT to your site and felt it was the place I needed to be. I’m forever grateful! Mojo is of God, and his gifts come from God, not some evil or ego-centered place. Of that I am certain, and my love problems have already started to improve. Thank you thank you hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com!!! Best

  371. Wilfred Says:

    I and my girlfriend brokeup just because i could not tolerate seeing her hanging out with guys that she claims to have nothing with but call them just mere friends.
    I could not take it anymore because i love her so much and though am jealous seeing other guys around her, i need her to understand that and respect that as well. But reverse was the case. she told me she was tired and could not continue, she complains that i dont trust her so how sure our relationship would lead to marriage.
    I was so devastated and could not lose my love just for my selfish reasons. so i found this spell lady online who then did a love spell to bring her back and made our relationship more closer than ever and even more happier. The spell lady did help my life, my job because i could not focus on anything, and even brought my lover back in to my life.
    The spell lady email is priestessifaa@yahoo.com, her spell is more powerful than i can ever imagine.

  372. michell Says:

    My testimony all thank to DR.MAGBU i was in love with a girl named Nicki i was in deeply in love with her i have tried my best to get her, on till i meant this man named Dr Magbu i explained eventing thing to him, he told me that my problem is solve but i ask him how is that possible, he told me that i should not worry again that my problem is over than he cast a spell on her to come back to me to my surprise she come back to me in 4 days after the spell has been cast. She is in love with me so i am very happy she is back to me thank you can contact him if you need your ex back EMAIL:reunitingexspell@gmail.com RE UNITING EX SPELL TEMPLE IS REALLY GREAT michell

  373. Kell Says:

    Regards to this spell lady call Priestess Ifaa she is so awesome. She told me that my boyfriend would have a hard time being away from me when he moved away 2weeks ago. She also told me that he would be back, there would be a celebration and that he would be living with me. 2days I received a call from him saying that he was coming back and that he wants to stay with me!! That is so incredible! priestess Ifaa is great. She tells it how it is, she is truthful and honest and it would be worth anyone’s time to contact her just as i did through her email on priestessifaa@yahoo.com. It was one of the best choices that I ever made and I will continue to appreciatel her. She has given me a great deal of peace of mind during this very long 2 weeks. Thanks Priestess

  374. Manyalido Says:

    I have a fantastic news about the spell cast in wiseindividualspell@gmail.com: it is working, only 3dayss after he started it all. Never in my life have I thought magic would work so fast. My man is acting completely different now and we are making love everyday (last weekend, we did it 8 times in total!). Now I can say that your spells work! Thank you a million times!

  375. Deby Says:

    Dr Charles is a powerful man that bring back my husband our love is stronger than ever and my family is happy …Dr Charles don’t forget about you he always keep in touch make sure all is well after a stress full time with a woman turning my husband away from me. Dr Charles is to thanks for the smile on my face and his wonderful work . If you need his help, contact him via his email address. drcharlesspelltemple@gmail.com……………….deby

  376. stella Says:

    hello every one my name is Stella and i have been married for 4years and i have a break up with my husband 3months ago and i was worried and so confuse because i love him so much. i was really going too depressed and a friend directed me to this spell caster Dr. Okaka and i made all my problems known to him and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he was appealing that i come back to the house. i have never in my life believe in spell and but now it have just helped me and i am now so happy. Thanks to him and if you also want to have your lover back to yourself then his email is edenokunspelltemple@gmail.com

  377. rita Says:

    Hello everyone I have just met with this priest of the Ishvara Temple and I finally find out that he is really a truthful spell caster and so powerful and he is the most powerful spell caster that I have ever met. I wish I have met him before. and my husband have just come back to me and every thing happened just the way he had said it I am so happy that I have met with him and now I have my husband back to my self. If you all that are here have not tried him you just have to do so and get your heart desires fulfilled. Stop been doubting I have tested him and I am now a fulfilled woman to my husband and we are so happy to be together once again. You can reach this spell caster if you need help at ishvaratemple@yahoo.com

  378. prophet baba Ahmed Sheriff Says:

    I am prophet baba Ahmed Sheriff, i welcome you all to my world and temple of solution i want to assure you that what so ever you contacted me for will come to pass for you with the powers of our ancestors. i want to let you know that i am here to help you in any problem you might be facing, i have been in the field of helping people for over 55years now, i want to let you know that i have helped solving over 7000 peoples problems in different countries and they have never stopped calling me to thank me for the good work i have done for them my good work has spread to so many countries why is because they have seen my good work and they helped me spread it all over to the whole world. I want to let you know that the moment you contact me just consider all your problems solved because i know that once i commence on your spell work you are going to testify to the whole world here is my email address contact me with it (expertspellcaster@gmail.com).Are you passing through any of these problems,

    DO YOU NEED YOUR EX BACK VERY FAST

    DON YOU WANT YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU AS NEVER LIKE BEFORE

    ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM A LONG TIME SICKNESS

    ARE YOU FACING FINANCIAL PROBLEMS

    ARE YOU SEEKING FOR A GOOD JOB

    DO YOU WANT TO BECOME A HOUSE OWNER

    ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A FIRST CLASS GRADE

    DO YOU WANT TO COME OUT FIRST IN YOUR EXAMS

    ARE YOU A STAR AND YOU WANT TO BE SO POPULAR TO THE WHOLE WORLD

    DO YOU WANT TO BE RICH

    DO YOU WANT YOUR BUSINESS TO KEEP MOVING

    DO YOU HAVE A COMPANY OF ANY KIND AND YOU WANT IT TO EXPAND

    DO YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE TO KEEP TO YOUR WORLD

    ARE YOU FACING ANY MARITAL PROBLEMS

    ARE YOU FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO GET PREGNANT FOR YOUR HUSBAND

    ARE YOU EXPERIENCING MISCARRIAGES ANY TIME YOU TAKE IN

    DO YOU WANT TO COMPETE IN ANY LOTTERY GAME

    ARE YOU FACING HARDSHIP

    HAVE YOU BEEN THREATENED BY SOMEONE

    DO YOU WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN ANY THING YOU LAY YOUR HANDS ON

    IS YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER BEHAVING STRANGELY

    ARE YOU FACING WITCH CRAFT MANIPULATIONS

    DO YOU WANT TO CAST A STRONG LOVE SPELL ON YOUR GIRL OR BOY FRIEND

    DO YOU HAVE ANY RELATION THAT IS ABNORMAL

    DO YOU NEED MAGIC POWERS TO DO ANY THING YOU WANT

    ARE YOU FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO CHOOSE A LIFE PARTNER

    DO YOU WANT YOUR PARENTS TO BE PROUD OF YOU

    DO YOU NEED A PROTECTION SPELL

    IS YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE SEEKING FOR A DIVORCE

    ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM ANY VIRUS DISEASES

    HAS ANY ONE TAKEN YOUR MONEY FROM YOU AND YOU WANT IT BACK VERY FAST

    ARE YOU EXPERIENCING FAILURE AND DISAPPOINTMENT IN ANY THING YOU DO.(ECT)

    If you are facing any of these problems all you just need do is to contact via email (expertspellcaster@gmail.com) and it will be handle with full force and with my oracle and ancestors beside me i want to make you testify just the same way other people did that i have helped. Do not die in pain and silence email me so that your problems will be solved by me with full speed.I want welcome you again to my spell temple.If you have any problem that you want my help for just email me and immediately it will be solved. Here is my email address (expertspellcaster@gmail.com)

  379. vick Says:

    I contacted Dr. odudu about my Fiance. We were engaged for two years, and dated for three. Everything in the relationship was great. One day, out of the clear blue, he tells me to put the wedding plans on hold. I suspected that he was getting nervous, possibly getting cold feet because the wedding was coming up in the next few months. Few days pass by, I found out that his ex got into the picture and was trying to ruin our relationship. When speaking with Dr. odudu, he told me I was compatible for a spell. Soon after, he helped us reunite. Contact him via oduduspell@gmail.com

  380. miss Jessica Busch Says:

    I am miss Jessica Busch from South Africa, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Dario Busch, i love him so much we have been married for 6 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Anal, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don’t know what to do until I met my friend Mrs Luis and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr.Ancient a spell caster,who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Mrs Luis ask me to contact Dr.Ancient I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by Three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After Three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr.Ancient on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact ancientbeninshrine@gmail.com. He is the best spell caster

  381. roeth Says:

    when my husband first leave me to fallow another girl, i want to meany spell caster to help cast a spell so that my husband we come back to me,they all made away with my money.until i men a grate caster name prophet osula.when i meant him i told all my problem and he told me that he will cast a spell for me,that after seven days that my husband we be back to me. I did not beloved him because of what other spell caster have don to me, after three days the spell was being cast,my husband that have left me for long call me to tell me that he still love me,that he love to come back to me.EMAIL.ayelalashrine@gmail.com roeth

  382. Vicky Says:

    HELLO to my friends out there i am testifying about the good work of a man who help me it has been hell from the day my husband left me i am a woman with two kids my problem stated when the father of my kids travel i never help he was living but as at two weeks i did not set my eye on my husband i try calling but he was not taken my call some week he call me telling me that he has found love some where easy at first i never take to be serous but day after he came to the house to pick his things that was the time i notice that things is going bad i help he will come back but things was going bad day by day i needed to talk to someone about it so i went to his friend but there was no help so i give it up on him month later i met on the the internet a spell caster i never believe on this but i needed my men back so i gave the spell caster my problem at first i never trusted him so i was just doing it for doing sake but after three day my husband called me telling me that he his coming home i still do not believe but as at the six day the father to my kids came to the house asking me to for give him the spell work to said to my self from that day i was happy with my family thanks to the Sango Spell Temple he his a great man you need to try him you can as well to tell him your problem so that he can be of help to you his content email is this :Sangospelltemple@gmail.com indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again

  383. mimi Says:

    my name is mimi I am from USA i have been married to my husband for the past 6years, just 2months ago he left me for another woman. then I meet this powerful spell caster from Africa. I never believed he could help me but as a result of my frustration I decided to give him a trail. it only took me three days and my husband came begging since then he has been under my control and I am the only woman he now sees. you can contact this spell caster Sangospelltemple@gmial.com he could save your marriage too

  384. Prophet Osagieduwa Says:

    My Name is Marry

    My testimony of Prophet Osagieduwa love spell caster how my boyfriend came back to me.

    I Have never believer in love spell until i met this world’s top spell caster.
    He is really powerful and could help cast spell to bring back once’s gone,lost
    misbehaving lover and money spell or spell for a good job or whatever your problem
    is. I am a living testimony the man i wanted to marry left me a week before our
    wedding and my life was upside down because our relationship has been on for 3 years.
    I really love him, but his mother was against us and she had no good paying job. So
    when i met the spell caster, I told him what happened and explain the situations of
    things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful but,i just gave him
    a try and in 7 days when i returned to USA, my boyfriend (now husband) called me
    by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mum
    and family and he got a new job interview so we got marriage.
    I don’t believe it the spell caster asked me for my name and my husbands name
    and that is all i wanted him to do. well we are married now and we are expecting the
    our baby,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became better. In case anyone
    needs the spell caster for help this is the email address

    Email:spiritualprophtictemple@gmail.com
    Phone Number:+2348159046213 you can call him anytime
    Name:Prophet Osagieduwa

  385. marla Says:

    I appreciate all you have done for myself and my family. My name is harry and after contacting so many fake spell casters that only played with my heart you´d got what I wanted: my family back. Your sincere kindness and thoughtfulness inspires me. You have touched my heart deeply and I will forever be grateful that you got rid of all the negative influences that surrounded my wife and I. Now we are back and my son is very happy again, with his parents together… Thanks ANTOGAI antogaispelltemple@gmail.com all my gratefulness

  386. sharon Says:

    my name is Sharon form USA? I want to thank the great Dr Suman for the help he have helped me for helping me to get back my husband back…I never believe that he could so be true because I thought it was a joke but now I know how powerful called Dr Suman his…He helped me to bring back my husband within 24hours my husband Mr JOHN JAY who left me for another old woman started begging me to forgive him after the Dr Suman have helped me to caste the spell.if you have any problem make sure you contact him he can help you.email him through his email address Ohmensumutemple@gmail.com

  387. sharon Says:

    my name is Sharon form USA? I want to thank the great Dr Suman for the help he have helped me for helping me to get back my husband back…I never believe that he could so be true because I thought it was a joke but now I know how powerful called Dr Suman his…He helped me to bring back my husband within 24hours my husband Mr JOHN JAY who left me for another old woman started begging me to forgive him after the Dr suman have helped me to caste the spell.if you have any problem make sure you contact him he can help you.email him through his email address Ohmensumutemple@gmail.com

  388. Beatrice Says:

    I want to thank Dr Onolunosen Ighomenguanor once again..
    i never knew people still have powers and make things happen in a twinkle of an eyes.My name is Beatrice i’m from USA. my husband Todd Hardy left me for another girl five months ago ever since then my life have been filled with pains, sorrow and heart break because he was my first love and the father of my children. A friend of mine told me he saw some testimonies of this great spell caster that he can bring back my lover within some few days. I laugh it over and said I am not interested but because my friend was so concerned about me she consulted the great spell caster on my behalf and to my greatest surprise after four days my husband called me for the very first time since five months that he is missing me badly and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. I still can’t believe it, because its just too real to be true. Thank you Dr Onolunosen Ighomenguanor for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf,and for any one who might need the help of this prophet you can contact him via his email okijashrine@ymail.com.A

  389. Australia Says:

    Am from Australia, but i reside in “USA” i came in contact with a spell casters who cast a spell for me to get back my lover back. i have been scammed thousands of dollars by some fake spell casters, i needed my lover back so desperately because of the lone that have echo my heart. until i was referred to meet a spell caster on-line on this address by a friend who has once felt their powers “templeoflove1@gmail.com”. i visit the spell caster with little or no faith because of the previous and terrible experience i have had. they then cast the spell it worked after 2days just the way he said it would be. I am glad with all gratitude that i now have my lover back to my life with his help. he is so real with no doubt. why not see for yourself if in such worries. again on templeoflove1@gmail.com

  390. krotov Says:

    Thanks once again the great Dr samura I am faith krotov I want to share my testimony to every one here about what this great man did for me I was married for more than six years now know child with this, my heart has been trouble so I don’t know what to do. And I have gone from one place to another still I did not found the solution of my problem on till one day in my office when a friend of mine came for a visit so I have been hiding this for every body not to share this problem to any one so when I see the situation on ground now my husband is about getting another woman, I try my best to share this with a friend so she advise me to contact this great man for a spell cast so I was not my self of telling her my problem so I ask her what we it take me? She said it we not take much time just three days it we be done then I look up and down were we I start from now? She insist for me to try him the I ask her for his contact she gave me his number and his email address his number +2347030410643 and here is the email SAMURATELLERSPELL100@GMAIL.COM so I called him first before I email him to know if his the write person so he cast the spell and am so happy with my husband with two kids with this, the man is great and his spell casting is real thanks to my friend may God almighty bless you all from faith krotov

  391. Audra Says:

    I want to share this testimony about a spell caster. I contacted abalabatemple@gmail.com about my Fiance. We were engaged for two years, and dated for three. Everything in the relationship was great. One day, out of the clear blue, he tells me to put the wedding plans on hold. I suspected that he was getting nervous, possibly getting cold feet because the wedding was coming up in the next few months. Few days pass by, I found out that his ex got into the picture and was trying to ruin our relationship. When speaking with Dr Abalaba, he told me I was compatible for a spell. Soon after, he helped us reunite. ……………….Audra

  392. joanna Says:

    I met this spell through a friends description and he told me that he help him to get his wife back when another man took her from him and then i decided to try him out and i discover that he is the best and he is very powerful and just yesterday my husband whom i thought will never come back to me came and said to me that he was sorry for leaving me. i now so happy that my desire have been fulfilled. thank to the Dr.Wala of the wildernessofspirit@gmail.com he is so powerful.

  393. Jenni Says:

    When I married my husband I was already pregnant and so I didn’t have a job. He had a really good job though so I was able to stay home and take care of our son when it was born. When we had our second child we moved to a bigger house, but then strange things started to happen. Things would fly off the walls and doors would slam at night. Our oldest son talked about seeing figures and hearing voices. We consulted a medium and they said the house was haunted. After living there about a year more with only minor occurrences we moved out. That was when the bad luck started to happen. Everything started to fail, with my husband’s job, our money and our luck in general. I went back to the same medium and they told me that a spirit had followed me and placed a curse upon me for disturbing it and not being respectful in the previous house. He tried to remove it but was unable. The misfortune kept going on and getting more severe as I tried to search out someone to break the curse. But when I found Dr Sango he finally did it. Things started turning around almost immediately after he cast the spell and have been great from there! This was really a miracle for us, thank you Dr Sang spell temple spell from the bottom of my heart!CONTACT THIS EMAIL:Sangospelltemple@gmail.com.CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR, HE IS A SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS


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