The World’s Best Job?

When family members and friends insisted on telling me ‘your life will change so much when you have a baby’, I didn’t realise that they would be so smug about it afterwards when I admitted they were right.  Boy, were they right.  Even today, and especially in the first few weeks after giving birth to my first child, Jessica, in November last year, I am in what can only be described as the ‘Twilight Zone’; only just maintaining a vice-like grip on reality, napping in the day and rising at night for the ‘milk run’ or a trip to the loo should I have drank too many cups of tea the night before. 

Albeit quite worried at first that my mothering skills would leave little to be desired, the real dilemma for me was straightening out my seemingly muddled work history; I was convinced that I needed to get my career, a career, on track, so that when Jessica was older she’d have a good example of what a working mother should be.  I had every intention of returning part-time to my job in computer aided design after nine months, not harbouring a desire to be a stay-at-home mum.  So much so was my belief that I had to keep my brain ticking over and reduce the risk of losing my skills, that I bought training manuals related to my work and practically chained my husband to the computer every night so that he could install the latest design packages for me to practice on.  I did not want to waste a single spare moment; relaxing – what’s that?

Now, at this time, most mothers would probably be contemplating what nappies to buy or what toys were more educational and provided more learning opportunities.  Not me.  I spent almost every waking hour, in-between nappy changes and feeding, going back over the choices I have made in the past, and contemplating yet another fulfilling and rewarding career that would help secure my family’s future.  To look at my academic record, you’d be forgiven for thinking that education didn’t agree with me; I did exceedingly well in secondary school, only to follow it with two short-lived attempts at further education in art and design at sixth form and college.  At the time, family members and friends of a same age were already out there in the big, wide world of work and I felt compelled to follow suit, no matter how much I wanted to sit in a classroom and paint all day. 

This choice seems to have set me off on the road of indecision; in the coming years, I would be an Interior Design Assistant (first job, and poorly paid), Gift Shop Supervisor (mind-numbing), Editorial Assistant for a leading listings magazine (exciting out-of-hours lifestyle) and until recently, a CAD Technician for a building company (another ‘skill’ feather in my cap).  And let’s not forget my qualifying as a Gym Instructor and Dance Teacher, all within two years.  I have lost count of how many home study courses I have enrolled on with a genuine desire to learn (e.g. psychology, interior design, biology), and how many I have actually completed.  My knowledge of a wide range of careers often leads to remarks like ‘you should become a Careers Advisor’.  It was only until recently that I realised that the reason for all this dabbling in so many areas is that my interest is piqued by almost everything, rather that just one or two ‘passions’.  Sometimes I look back and cringe at it all, all the time and money spent flitting from one pursuit to another with the fear of it being frowned upon by all and sundry.  Then, I have a moment of clarity where I think ‘I am an experienced, knowledgeable and interesting person with lots of stories to tell’.

Up until about a week ago, I was intent on taking more distance learning courses to complete a degree, possibly aiming to train as a teacher.  Teaching will address the whole indecision problem, I told myself, as I’ll get to teach a bit of everything and my interest will never diminish.  My current experience of working as a primary Teaching Assistant would help me to really pull some top grades out of the bag (yes, that’s another job title to add to the list – my old job was no longer secure for all manner of reasons, so I had to look for interesting work and fast).  But then I had a change of heart.  Why am I doing this? I asked myself.  What am I trying to prove?  There was a time when I thought I would be the only person in my family to have gone to university, and make my parents proud.  The desire to have those further qualifications to get on in life took over so completely, that one day I just stopped, took one look at my daughter playing quietly by herself, and in that split second decided to give up pursuing that ‘perfect’ career, and concentrate on the most important job I have had to date – being a mother.

So now the plan is to take one day at a time and just immerse myself in my daughter’s world.  This means instead of sitting on the computer for the majority of the day and researching courses and job options while she entertains herself, I play silly games with her, read her books and steadily hold onto her chubby little hands as we practice walking around the living room together.  To see her gorgeous, big blue-green eyes sparkle with laughter when she looks up at me, proud of her first shaky steps…..well, I cannot put that feeling into words.  I could gush on and on about this, the desire to sweep your child up for a squishy cuddle when they do something as minute as blow a raspberry, but that is not my aim.  My aim is to let every woman out there who has found themselves in my position know that they are not alone.  And I’ve concluded that I am not a failure, to myself, my family, and especially not to my daughter.  When she is old enough to finally pay attention to what I tell her, I will regale her with stories about my rich, eventful life, where I have met so many wonderful people and collected a wealth of life-shaping experiences. 

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had carried on along the one path, following just one interest.  I wonder if I would have my daughter now, or if I would be so highly driven at work that I would have put off becoming a mother.  I used to say to my husband, as I justified taking another course or career change: ‘I just want to do something for myself, otherwise I feel I’m wasting my life.  My greatest achievement is giving birth to Jess’.  A few months ago, I would stubbornly stick by this statement.  Now, while the latter claim is most certainly true, the former couldn’t be more wrong.  I’ve lived my life as fully as I can on the means available to me; now is my time to really shine as a mother and make the most of these precious years of my child’s life that I will never be able to relive. 

I can always set up my own dance school/children’s art club/freelance writing business when Jessica starts school.

Joanne Ward