Panic Attacks

March 5, 2013 by Charel Hulon  
Published in Lifestyle

Pain in the nerves, pain in the curves. You feel dizzy though you’re not falling. You feel awkward though look ok. You feel like a survivor but your desert island is nowhere to be found. Everything’s in your inner being yet everything is real.

This article doesn’t aim at making a general description of the signs and symptoms of this type of anxiety manisfestation. The author just wants to share her personal experience and feelings on this increasingly significant phenomenon.

It all started when I had to face a dillema. I had to leave my the man who is now my ex-husband but would not go back to my parents’ place. I was too ashamed to head back to a place I had been dreading during all my adolescence. I had been a notorious rebel, criticizing parents and other adults as much as I deemed right. Today I am nearing 30 and I’m still unsure whether I had been perfectly wrong in doing so. The attacks were ignited by the fact that I would not sleep with my husband anymore. In fact I could not sleep, fearing that he would try to rape me. He was furious as he could not accept the sex deprivation. I started to drink the bottles of whisky of the wedding feast that were still unconsumed. I drank 2 glasses a day. That did not make me an alcoholic but it did make the husband wild. He had had a father who drunk heavily and was kind of traumatized by the bottle. He, himself drank very very little and only under the exceptional circumstances where it would be grossly impolite to refuse a drink. Well to sum up, I stopped having sex, started drinking alone and was planning to leave him but couldn’t figure out where to go.

One perfect Monday morning, I just couldn’t get up to catch the bus for work. I have a job as primary school teacher on a small island in the Indian Ocean. I complained of feeling dizzy, maybe a flu or two. At first the husband even happened to be compassionate, phoning the school where I work to notify my absence. Then I started to sense that things were quite upside down. I seemed away- my stare was blank, I could sleep all day, I didn’t make much effort to respond to his queries about my state of health. The days off were piling up… One, two, three, four… without any medical certificate. I was doomed. I looked doomed, but he wouldn’t accept it. But I have to explain why I was planning to leave him… Else I would appear as a most hellish monster.

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