No Sex Please, We’re Celibate

When most people think about celibacy, images of nuns, spinsters and unattractive women who – despite trying – just can’t get a bloke come to mind. But, in reality, female celibacy spans a much broader spectrum. In fact, many women are actually choosing to be celibate. And they’re not nuns, or spinsters or unattractive in any way. They’re women just like you…

For self-proclaimed celibate Laura Haywood*, celibacy is the best option. “At first, I missed sex,” she says. “Sex is more-ish; the more you have, the more you want. But when you get used to not having it, you don’t miss it. Sex can add a lot of clutter to your life. You’ve got to find room for another person and that can be inhibiting.”

With her relaxed manner and friendly expression, you’d be forgiven for being surprised that Laura, 27, is a man-free zone. But she’s been that way for six years, ever since her last (and only) serious relationship went sour. “The relationship started to deteriorate when he had an affair. I ended the relationship. I’d put all my trust in this guy and he’d abused it. Afterwards, I became very depressed… I became convinced that if we’d kept our relationship platonic, I wouldn’t have felt so cheated.”

She says she’s not being celibate to spite that particular man; she just believes that getting sexually involved with a man is too much bother. To Laura, celibacy is a much more desirable option.

“It wasn’t easy at first,” she admits. “I really missed the closeness. Of course, a friend or relative can always give you a cuddle but it’s not the same.”

Thirty-one-year-old Justine Arnold*, agrees. She’s been celibate since 1998. “I was married for five years and when John my husband died in a road accident, I realised it was the companionship – not the sex – I missed most.”

Like many celibate women, Justine directed her energies into doing other things. “For instance, I love reading in bed. When I was married, I’d just be getting to an interesting bit in my book and John would want to have sex. Now, if I want to read a whole book in one night, no-one would give a hoot! I’ve read a lot of books in the last ten years!”

Laura has also discovered that her interests have diversified since she’s been celibate. “When you’re in a sexual relationship, you obviously have more of an interest in sex and spend a lot of time reading magazine articles like as How To Give Your Man 10 Orgasms A Night, when you could be doing something much more interesting, like learning to play the piano!

When I was involved in a relationship, I spent more time thinking about The Relationship than doing other things I enjoyed. I found myself thinking about my body and worrying about how I looked, but I’m much less tunnel-visioned now.”

Even though Laura believes her choice of lifestyle is her own business, she does encounter problems on an everyday basis. “I know a lot of people think I’m odd. They think I don’t like men, but just because I’m not having sex, doesn’t make me a man-hater. I’m not all bitter and twisted like some people imagine me to be.”

Psycho-sexual physician and maker of the controversial Lovers’ Guide videos Dr Andrew Stanway says: “Everyone has sexual outlets and they should not be made to feel bad about what they choose… People who make a positive decision to give up sex and fill the void with something else can be very happy.”

Laura is happy, but admits that, although she likes men, she doesn’t go out of her way to attract them. “I don’t want to get into a situation where I might be found desirable. I’m quite matey with men, but I behave in quite a brusque way. I’m not very feminine and my shoes are always of the comfortable variety!” she jokes.

Society is very sex-orientated – that’s something Laura has become increasingly aware of. It would seem that people – men and women – are threatened by her choice to be celibate. “I don’t know why,” she laughs. “I don’t feel threatened by the fact that they’re not celibate. With some women, there’s a feeling of a sort of one-upwomanship – they make a big deal out of the fact that they’ve got a man and I haven’t. But when I show them that I’m not actually bothered about having a man, they become very stand-offish. Men look down at celibate women, although celibate men don’t get half as much hassle. People think men who’re celibate are celibate because they’ve chosen to be, but that women are never celibate through choice – that women are celibate because they can’t get a man.”

Well-meaning friends are always trying to match-make on her behalf. “But no matter how nice they are about it, they always make you feel like a freak. Just because you’re celibate and don’t have a man on your arm, people see you as a three-headed monster!”

Justine has experienced the same problem. “Friends don’t seem to understand that I’m happy being celibate. Some women need a man by their side and constant sex. I don’t. You won’t see me on Blind Date, that’s for sure!”

Writer Sally Cline points out that the decision to become celibate these days is a very brave one. “Fifty years ago, it took courage for a single woman to admit that she was enjoying an active sexual life,” she says. “Today, it takes courage for her to admit she’s not.”

She explains how becoming celibate changed her life in a most beneficial way. “I had an extraordinary, somewhat alarming sense of personal space,” she says. “I was not servicing anyone… I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted.”

From the age of 20, Sally had lived with one partner after another and, although this gave her emotional security, she claims it made her dependent on her partner and upon sex itself. She argues that sexual partnership can leave a woman feeling more like a possession than an equal.

In her provocative book, Women, Celibacy And Passion, Cline discusses her own feelings about celibacy, and interviews women who have made a positive decision to become celibate. She also speaks to women who had celibacy thrust upon them but who gradually learned to welcome it as a new, previously unconsidered way of life.

“Being celibate was never something I wanted to do – or even thought about doing,” Justine explains, “but because I decided that I couldn’t love another man after my husband died, and because there’s no way I could have sex with a man I didn’t love, it just turned out that way.”

She knows now that celibacy is the only way of life for her. “I’ll be celibate for the rest of my life – I’m absolutely positive about that.”

Laura, too, believes that she’ll stay celibate for the rest of her life, although she remains philosophical about it. “I never say never,” she smiles. “I mean, some super-man might appear in my office tomorrow lunchtime, throw me to the carpet, and I’ll say “yes please” but I don’t want that to happen and I’m actually actively avoiding situations where something like that might happen. So it’s very unlikely.”

Someone once asked Laura, if it was the end of the world and the four-minute warning siren had gone off, who would she most want to have sex with? “I said “no-one. In my final four minutes, I”d much rather have a glass of wine and listen to some music, thanks very much.’ Sex just isn’t a priority.”

* Names have been changed