Love is Masochism

April 29, 2010 by Amy Kalvig  
Published in Issues

From a woman’s perspective… I am a 42-year-old woman with no desire to be in a relationship.

Love is Masochism

From a woman’s perspective… This sounds vaguely familiar. I talked about this earlier in the semester, with regard to my situation, and why I am a 42-year-old woman with no desire to be in a relationship.

For me, the inherent problem with love is that it involves a complete release of emotions that I’m not capable of releasing. It’s not that I’m not willing, rather, I truly believe I’m not able to express them. That makes me cold to most people.

***As a parent, I am completely in love with my daughter, but, that is a unique love that only a parent could comprehend. It is nothing like the love between two adults who are sexually, emotionally, physically, whatever.***

For a very long time, I’ve realized that I harbor a coldness about myself when it comes to relationships with men. What is terrifying about this, is that I am an incredible actress. There are very few people who really know me, and only one man who does… did. I can act like I care… I can act like I’m giddy or silly or stupid, as Mike put it, but, that’s not love. It’s acting. Often, I find myself acting one way around one person, and completely different around another person. Neither know me, really. I just don’t allow them to get that close to me.

As I do with my family, I build that proverbial wall around my heart and disallow anyone to penetrate it. I act as if I care, but, in all actuality, I don’t. Sometimes, I act so well that I almost fool myself into believing that I could be falling in love, but, when all is said and done, and I’m able to walk away, unscathed, I didn’t.

I get over relationships quickly, and never look back. I don’t spend weeks, months, years, whining about them, or crying about them. I don’t understand how people can do that to themselves. Love is masochism. I’ve yet to experience anything related to love that isn’t masochism.

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