How Did the Hair Get There?

It would be so much easier if I didn’t have any hair.  Life would be so less complicated.  The hair on my head is thinning out, disappearing down the drain with each passing year.  I have curly hair, what friends with straight hair wish for, what I want is straight hair.  My hair goes through what I call the “pubic hair” phase as summer approaches.  Just as my hair starts to look like shit, the salon calls to confirm my 5 week appointment.  I swear they sit behind the counter there saying, “Let’s see, Kelly Melang has an appointment coming up.  Hit the Melang button so her hair looks like shit and she won’t cancel the appointment.  There, now call to confirm.”

I believe my hair is traveling to different places on my body.  It leaves my head and starts traveling downward until some of it finds my chin.  I call these my “Billy goat” hairs, they are not soft and light, they are black and thick and if too much time goes by they grow long enough to curl on my chinny chin chin.  When I found my first one, I ran and grabbed a tweezers and pulled it out thinking it was some type of aberration, not going to happen again.  Then the next time I take good look at my chin, there are two there, how did they procreate? 

“Mom?  Is that a splinter under your chin?”

“What?”  My hand searches as I look in the car mirror.  Oh!  There it is, “Why yes it is, let me get my tweezers.”

Hey, I’m not going to tell him that his Mom is rapidly turning into the bearded lady, let him think it’s a splinter.  I keep a pair of tweezers in my purse, another pair in my car, several all around the house.  This keeps me from obsessing when I find a hair and spending the rest of my day trying to pull it out with my fingernails, pulling until either it comes out or my finger nails hurt so much I have to go find the tweezers.  My husband once asked what I was doing as I sat in the car, a serious look on my face, almost grabbing that hair then realizing I’d missed!  There is pure joy though, when you actually pull the hair out with just your fingers.

The hair from my chin then moves down my body to rest around my boobs!  When did that happen?  Am I really developing into a man?  I won’t tell you the lengths I’ve got to get rid of these just remember that waxing really does hurt on the legs!!  I have to make sure the bathroom doors is locked because getting caught with tweezers in hand could be a very embarrassing situation.

The ones that I pull out from there now move further down to my belly.  Perhaps they’ve always been there and now that I’ve covered up the belly for the rest of my adult life these big black hairs stand out against my vampire white skin!  These are easy to pull because they are coarse and long, easily done in the shower.

All this hair in places that I don’t want it.  I travel further down and another aberration-a gray hair down there, and I’m not talking about my toes!  Gray?  My husband thinks he’s hilarious when he says that it’s because it’s getting old and needs more exercise (wink wink).  If I pull it out does it reproduce like the hairs on my chin?  How are the hairs on my chin black and curly and down there it’s gray? Maybe it’s moving up rather than moving down?

Finally I move down to the hair on my toes.  My running partner talked me into my first pedicure and as I watched the technician massage my foot to my horror there’s big black hair now growing on my toes!  The next time I shave my legs, I decide to shave my toes.  Cuts on your toes hurt more than cuts on your legs, maybe the skin is thinner there.

I could purchase all kinds of kits, and razors to get rid of this unwanted hair.  I’ll just tell everyone that I’m adopting the European model and let the hair grow where it may, I bet I could get a sweet job at the local circus as it comes to town.