Cruel fashion trends

Esp. to somebody like me who has a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.79 (the ideal is 0.70). In other words, I have no defined waist, which is not conducive to the current belted silhouette of the runways, editorials, and yes, mass-produced fashion. I saw this coming way back in Spring ‘06 when waist-cinching wide belts were the straws that broke the low-rise camel’s back (low-rise was already on its way out but the Big Belt Boom clinched it). The waistlines were climbing upward then and this process was expedited by the popularity of the skinny jean a.k.a cigarette pant a.k.a stovepipe jean. Which is another unlikely darling of the trend-obsessed. Who would have thought that a pair of pants as universally unflattering as The Skinny Jean would take such a hold? There’s a reason why GAP chose Audrey Hepburn to headline their skinny jean campaign (aside from the obvious shameless cashing in on the nostalgia evoked by such an adored icon and etc.). Who else but a 5′7.5″ 103-pound woman could do the skinny jean justice? I am seeing way too many girls even in this unfashionable backwoods town who have bravely taken this craze (craze is right) by the horns and are unknowingly getting gored by it. It is the same self-delusion that drives a beautiful woman with long hair to cut it all off in an effort to prove that she is beautiful with any hair-length (remember that feminist movie that came out 2-3 years ago, I forget the title, and all of the actresses in the movie — Maggie Gyllenhall, Kirsten Dunst, Julia Stiles — hacked their hair off in these horrible butch cuts in what was apparently supposed to be a unified act of defiant feminism or some shit like that — my best friend at the time and me called it “the Revenge of the Bull Dyke Hair Cuts”….they all seemed so angry with that butched hair…and I would be too! I think they realized the second the hair hit the floor that their beauty was not enough to transcend a bull-dyke haircut, after all) — but I’m seriously digressing.

The principle behind thinking you’re pretty enough to pull off The Bull Dyke and skinny enough to pull off The Skinny Jean is the same. Delusions grandeur. I give props to the women out there who have enough courage to expose every excess pound with this trend….if you have even a few pounds of flub it will show, and even if you are thin, it will highlight your trouble area….we *all* have them….even the ultra thin have one part of their body where the greatest proportion of adipose fat tissue is concentrated.

Ads would have the average American woman believing that the waist-as-focal-point theme in this season and the next, is accessible. It’s not. The average American woman is said to be a size 12, right? So tell me how a size-12 waist will be flattered by a big bulky belt? Or high-waisted skintight pants? Even the most clever marketing can’t refute the mathematical logic of waist-to-hip measurements. A woman who is zaftig but having the ideal hourglass figure will meet the “In” requirement of a cinched-in (0.70) waist but will battle with the wide hips charateristic of her body type which *will* be highlighted unforgivingly by the presence of the wide belt…. See, you’d have to have a miniscule WAIST and HIP WIDTH to execute this season’s standout looks successfully.

In spite of my ranting, I have both skinny jeans and wide belts in my closet, but I don’t wear them (in public) and won’t wear them until I meet the emaciated weight required of them (which I am far from right now) and fuck me running, I may never get to wear them because by the time I get down to an “acceptable” weight, the jeans and belts will be out of season. Which shouldn’t be a factor in a town where fashion cycles lag behind by about 6 seasons.