Motherhood Can Test Friendships

“Mommy, why can’t Jessica come over to play?” my three year-old daughter asked me one recent afternoon.

“Because she has naughty behavior when she plays here, so her mom says she’s not allowed to come over anymore.” How else can I explain to a preschooler that my friend’s daughter destroyed our house so badly the last time she was over for a play date that it ended up destroying my friendship with the mother as well?

Every mother is different, and there are so many styles of parenting. Some of these styles match your own values closely, which makes forging a friendship easier with those who share your own ideals. But what happens when a longtime friend, one you have had since before the birth of your own children, has a parenting style so radically different from yours that play dates become disasters?

My former friend, Michelle (names changed), has a very relaxed attitude, which influenced her style of parenting. It was difficult for me to watch her daughter jump on my furniture and run around my house with food. I always had to clean up after the little girl for hours after she left. Her mother never said a word. When Jessica emptied half a bottle of liquid hand soap onto my bathroom door, there was no consequence for her actions. I politely asked Michelle if she would at least supervise her daughter in my bathroom so it wouldn’t happen again. She said she would, but the next time they were over for a play date it was the final straw. Her daughter threw water all over my daughter’s bedroom walls, and tried to pour hot water from the bathroom tap onto my daughter. I decided that I had had enough. When I tried to confront my friend about her child’s lack of discipline, she dismissed it as “the artist” in her daughter. Our friendship rapidly deteriorated from there.

If two friends are polar opposites when it comes to raising children and continue to socialize without it affecting their friendship, a balance has to be struck. The most important thing to remember is that your way is not the only right way. Be open-minded to other mothers’ values and ideals for the upbringing of their little ones. Perhaps you could even benefit from a new perspective on the challenges of raising children. Try not to preach to another mother about what you think is right and wrong. If you are on the receiving end of criticism, try not to take it to heart too much, but consider what the mother is telling you. If it is a safety concern, it may actually be helpful to listen.

At the end of the day, all mothers have their own individual way of raising their children. While you cannot change it, if there is no concern for the children’s safety, you might be better off letting it go. If a balance can’t be struck, perhaps socializing without the kids is best if you’d like your friendship to continue.