December 14, 2008 by pipiluv  
Published in Motherhood

One Patient’s Perspective.

Playtime for little girls is often the time they carry Baby dolls around in blankets, pretending to be “Mommy”. As a little girl, I was no different. I could easily picture myself becoming a Mother when I grew up. Some pictures become realities and some realities become pictures we never pictured in our minds as children.

I still recall the day I finally got my chance to hold my Baby nephew, Matthew, who was only a few weeks old. I had been longing for that moment since he was born and finally, I caught my chance. I still remember the look on my Sister’s face as I walked into her Kitchen carrying Matthew in my arms. He had been crying from where I had awakened him, just so I could pick him up and hold him.

Now, in my arms, he was quietly looking around, as I carried him in to where she was at, heating up his bottles and formula. Well, needless to say, her every nerve was on edge at the sight of her newborn son being carried by her Baby Sister, who was only four years old, herself. Yet, from that moment on, I was convinced to one day become a Mother, myself. Sometimes convinced certainties are mere disguises of truer certainties. Yet, Baby love had touched my heart and life forever changing it.

Menstruation Issues

Being a girl has rights of passages into Adulthood and one such passage is when a girl begins her menstruation. My Mother had several talks with me regarding the issue of menstruating, but none of her fair speeches prepared me for my own. The day began as any other day, with the Sun shining outside and birds whistling in the treetops outside our home in Eastern Kentucky. Still, for some reason, I found myself feeling rather anxious and a little sick to my stomach.

As the day progressed, I noticed a few drops of blood. I was almost twelve years old and since my Mom had given her fair amount of speeches regarding this right of passage, I basically knew what was happening, but for me, it felt rather strange. I noticed the bleeding wasn’t just flowing in a normal fashion. Soon, there were these clots, at first, only a few small ones, then larger ones began to pass forth. It was at this point, I brought it to my Mom’s attention.

She immediately became concerned herself, but decided to wait and see if it cleared up on it’s own. Well, it didn’t and soon she had me sitting in our Family Physician’s office visiting my Doctor. He performed a CBC, which is a simple blood count test to determine the level of blood in my system, since I was clearly losing incredible amounts of blood. Needless to say, after a few weeks of this and my body growing increasingly weaker by the day, it was determined I needed to have a procedure called a D&C, where they would go into my uterus and scrape out some tissue for a biopsy. My Mother had certainly never prepared me for that with all her fair speeches and I was one scared little twelve year old girl, as I laid on the examining table.

Finally, the Gynecologist performing the D&C procedure determined it was in my best interest as the patient, to be placed under anesthetic and have the procedure done.The procedure was performed and my menstruation returned to a normal healthy flow.I was placed on Iron supplements to rebuild my Iron, since I was deficient.

Yet, thank God, my life had been spared thanks to the procedure.

Married Life

When my husband and I were first married we had decided we would wait to start our family. Yet, after only one month into our marriage, my husband determined he wanted children. We discussed all the major issues of what it would mean to us as a couple to have a baby. My heart was excited at the possible prospects of actually holding in my arms, for the very first time, my own precious newborn Baby. That dream was soon shattered as month after month passed with no conception. Our friends and family made suggestions and recommendations, which we tried to no avail.It became apparent that something was wrong.Knowing my past medical history, I was convinced it was my fault somehow.Sure enough, it was determined I was anemic and Iron deficient, requiring Iron Supplements.

After taking the Iron supplements and still no conception, further tests were performed bothon myself as well as my husband.All the tests came back indicating everything was fine with my husband, but things weren’t so finewith me. The Gynecologists couldn’t determine what the issue was, but for some reason my bodywas turning on it’s own self and after treating several bouts of severe infection in me, they were almostconvinced I might have Cancer. Instead, the tests indicated another severe infection, which they treated with strong antibiotics.

I was growing tired of trying and having my hopes crushed time and time again.So, when the Gynecologist recommended Fertility medicine to me and my husband,I was willing to give it a try.I kept a journal of how often and what time of day my husband and I had sexual relations.This was to give the Gynecologist a more detailed look into our relations as a married couple, so as to be able to make appropriate suggestions/recommendations.

Clearly the frequency of our relations prove to be irrelevant and no cause for concern. After even more testing and having cysts to rupture on me , nearly taking my life when one whichwas attached to the back of my uterus ruptured suddenly, I was just ready to get well, myself. As much love and desire for a baby that my heart held within it, I couldn’t bare the excruciating painany longer. Funny, though, sometimes what we think will come easy doesn’t.

The road to recovery was paved with great sorrow, as my body turned on itself.I started wasting and losing large amounts of blood, but I refused to return to the Doctor out of myfear of suffering even more pain than I had already been in. I felt it was useless to return to the Doctors and have them examining me again and again.Yet, as days continued to pass and no let up of the blood loss and my body growing weaker, it became apparent I had no other choice. This lasted for a period of six months before I finally relented to go back one more time and let them examine me again.

This time I was examined by a woman physician who informed me that she had no clear ideahow I was even walking around for my CBC had dropped to six and if it had been just one digit lowerI would have required hospitalization. She determined from her examination of me that day in her office, that from the appearance of my uterus itself, I had lost several pregnancies. She explained to me how that when a woman’s blood count is lower than eleven , she may be able to conceive, but the likelihood of that conception being able to develop further would be very unlikely.

As I left her office that day, I did so in tears.All I could imagine was all those little babies I would never get to hold here in this life.Gone and even sadder still was the fact, I had not even been aware of their presence.Though I had tried so hard to get help to prevent such tragedies from occurring, they had occurred anyways.No words can describe that emptiness one feels upon the realization of such facts.

The Fertility drugs proved to be even less effective even in regulating my cycles.So, heartbroken, but recovering, I made a decision that wasn’t an easy one and thatwas to discontinue the Fertility drugs and leave it all in God’s hands completely.To stop trying so hard but to relax and enjoy my husband and my life God had given me, if I could.I went on birth control instead for regulating my cycles and soon my cycles were normal for the first time in a long time.I made dietary changes which strengthened my body and soon I was beginning tofeel like me again.

No, my husband and I never had children, but we are both still alive and able to enjoyeach other. Babies are still precious to me and always will be, even those that I may havepossibly lost during the course of all that suffering.No one knows what another woman feels that finds herself in such a position but each story of Infertility is one of heartache and great pain.

Many tears were shed as a result of my own suffering, not only on my part but of those who loved and cared about me.My greatest fear was that in the processes of it all, I was going to lose my own life, but if that was what it took, I was willing to do it.Still, my husband was tired of watching me suffer so much and not being able to do much about it.Even the Doctors who kept examining me, were dumbfounded by it all and didn’t seem to know what to do for it. I felt helpless and scared, but then things improved and at last I was given a clean bill of health.Yet, it was a complete mystery as to why we were unable to conceive.

Sometimes Life throws these little mysteries our way and we can’t quite explain them.It’s like trying to explain why a black cow can eat Green grass and give White milk.It just is and they just do.


Happiness is the ability to accept life as it is and embrace it.Infertility can never take that away.

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