If You Hated The Terrible Two’s, You Really Will Not Like The Teens

The first 2-years of any child’s life are the easiest despite the dirty diapers, the 3-o’clock feedings, and the constant worries. Those will be the days you long for as soon as your child learns to walk, speak, and think independently. There’s a major hint in the fact that most children’s first spoken word after mama and dada, is “NO!”

The terrible two’s last until they start pre-school, or kindergarten, depending on the child and its environment. You leave the stubborn, obnoxious, clumsy, and sometimes painful—some children bite—years behind, only to discover that they have developed a smart mouth. You, as the parent, are no longer capable of raising a muffin much-less a child. Everything you do is now open to question. “Whoopee” and you thought it was going to get easier. You silly woman.

Somewhere between adjusting to the fact that your little darling is no longer little and certainly is not a darling, you discover that they have fixated on the opposite sex. Good luck. No two children are alike and there is not enough literature or psychological information available to help you through the teen years. Your best bet is to become a raging alcoholic…forget that. It doesn’t work either.

As you drop your adorably-fashionable young lady off at school, you notice a kid with long, greasy hair, whose pants wouldn’t stay up on a very-healthy boy and are dragging somewhere below his underpants. You take notice that he has to grab the crotch of his pants to keep them from falling to the ground, and before you can ask, “What on earth is that kid thinking” you daughter spouts off, “Mom, isn’t he just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.”

Oh Lord, for the first time since she was very small, you’re looking around hoping there is a puppy whose lost and needs a home. Your mind does a 180 as you realize she is talking about the kid in the sagging pants with bad hair. Inside your head, you’re screaming, “No, no, no, no….” and your fingernails dig trenches in the steering wheel as the kid approaches the car. She leans over, gives you a peck on the cheek, and says, “I’ll see you this afternoon.”

There is no way to slam the car in gear, and ram the accelerator to the floor, before your daughter can open the car door and get out. From personal experience; it’s a bad idea, anyway. She gets out and you drive home, alone, wishing it was 3-o’clock in the morning and all she wanted was a bottle.

On the bright side, no worries, the kid in the baggy pants won’t be the one your husband threatens to kill. Nope, he comes much later, if you’re lucky.