When Your Secrets Die..

Today wasn’t a good day, a dear friend and lover of 30 years died today…We both went on with our lives, married others, me many others, him only one, we could never be together but enjoyed each other company very much…over the years…

When I think about him, my heart breaks, my heart sinks, my heart feels alone, he was the one I talked to, he was the one that was there, now a empty place where a lover and dear friend was…

He was only 53 in the prime of his life, a brain aneurism took his life, it started with headaches, and then at the hospital the family pulled the plug…

Our families have been intertwined since birth, his sister married my uncle, but he was her younger brother, I will soon be 50, and we were kids together…Actually I really loved him, but for some reason our paths only crossed at family things, and we were the dearest of friends first…Later in life, things took a different path, but only once in a while, we needed each other, we talked to each other, but our family really never knew our connection…

He was a kind and gentle person, with his own life and me with mine, but no matter what we were friends first, when he needed someone to talk too, or if I did, he was always there…or the same with me…

So Today, has been really hard on me, deciding whether to go to the funeral isn’t the question, holding myself together is, our life was like a secret sure when we were around family was acted accordingly…

Today my life has been forever changed….My secrets have died, and really trying to find a way to move on, it isn’t easy, grief overwhelms me today…

He loved his wife dearly and I know this, I was just an escape, a simple moment in time, someone else to listen, and someone else to hold… but actually we had a very special bond…that simply can’t be explained…and strong enough to maintain a lifelong friend ship.

He was there for me, 3 marriages, troubles, divorce, death…he listened, he loved me, and I loved him…but for some reason we never found the courage to get married, to spend the rest of our lives together, actually we liked it just the way it was, we got together, had lunch, talked, just simple everyday…then other time, it was more of what we both needed…

Seriously some of you will be judging me right now, for having this relationship with him, but it was actually the best part of my life, I knew he would be there, if I needed to talk, I knew he loved me for me, and not what he thought I should be…

But our lives took different paths, he was a good husband to his wife, he was a very good friend to me, years of knowing someone, the true inside person, knowing when our paths crossed it was just that…

A true friend is someone that knows all about you but likes you anyways…He was my true and dearest friend and he will be dearly and soulfully missed….