What Would It Take?

Many people are on unhealthy relationships, I used to criticize, but now I’m one of them. It all started with me getting pregnant before marriage. Marrying because of pregnancy is always a bad reason for getting married

Signs of a bad relationship were already present before I got married, but I just ignored them, thinking if things got worse, I was gonna be able to walk away, not knowing that things were about to change. 

When I got pregnant I thought that the right thing to do was to get married. It was probably the worst mistake of my life. There was no honey moon, we didn’t have the money to pay for a honey moon, we didn’t have a house nor could we afford to rent, I had leave my job and everything was quickly falling apart. We had to stay on a room on my parents house.

I remember the first morning after the wedding, I remember it as if it was yesterday. I wanted to be the “perfect” wife and bring him breakfast in bed. I fast learned that my idea of a regular breakfast wasn’t the same as his, he didn’t want pancakes or eggs and juice, instead the wanted a full dinner, rice and beans and soda. I wanted everything to be perfect, I was glad there was left over food from the party. I heated up some of it on a plate and put some soda with ice and put a fork rolled up on a napkin, and bring it for him to bed. There was never a thank you, the first thing he said was that he doesn’t eat rice with a fork and he pointed out how stupid I was to even think that. I ran to the kitchen to grab a spoon.  After bringing him the spoon he checked it back and front, realized there were water stains on it and trowed it to me saying that it was dirty and to washed again, than after the second spoon, he complained about the food being too cold and to heat it up again. Than as he was about to get a sip of the soda noticed something floating on it…that was the first time he slapped me. I realized than the mistake I’ve done, but it was too late. Hell had began from that day on. I went back to work just 3 months after the baby was born to help save money to move out of my parents house.

Acting as the best husband in front of family and friends, but once the doors closed and it was just him and I , he turned into this monster I couldn’t recognize, he would get irritated for every little thing I did. Yelling at me and getting mad out of the blue. I could never understand the reasons behind so much anger. He started developing a bi-polar personality.

The first time I noticed this was just months after the baby was born, he must have been 4 or 5 months old, my husband had been drinking, and for reasons I cannot even remember now he got really mad, he raised the empty beer bottle up on the air and I could see in his eyes the anger , I was sure he was going to hit me with it. I turned and see my son’s scared eyes and I turned to see my husband and begged him not to do it in front of the baby. His eyes changed from anger to confusion and he sat on the bed and stayed quiet for a while.

It seemed like he couldn’t believe what was about to happen. He be begged me to forgive him and promised never to do that again. I believe him, and for a while forgot this episode. It was as if my brained tried to forget what happened, it wasn’t until I read a poem I had wrote that night where I was describing my feelings in that moment and how scared I was to see that much evil on his eyes.

For a while he turned to this loving caring husband, and I was falling in love with him, but us still living with my parents was making every day as stressing as it could be, but we were finally able to move out and I thought this was going to equal happiness for us at last.

I was starting a new great job, new apartment, new life… but a couple of months after we moved, he slapped me a second time. I left the house and was sure that this was it and that was the last time he was going to touch me. After some crying and begging on his part, I some how forgot all the things he’d done and went back with him and made him promised it was going to be the last time he was going to put his hands on me, or I was going to leave him for good. He’s kept his promised since than, but the verbal abuse never stopped.

A couple of years passed and things were going good…. than I found out I was pregnant again. I wish I could say that it was a happy moment, but I just couldn’t be as happy as I wished I would be, but I accept it well, after all I love my son and I knew I’ll love this new one as much.

This takes me to an other horrifying moment when I was 8 months pregnant with my second baby. Some how he got really mad once again. At this point I wasn’t being as submissive as I was at the beginning, I was getting tired of putting my head down accepting everything he said, I was tired of being scare of him and not saying no, so I was decided that if I didn’t want to do something I don’t like that I wasn’t going to do it, so he told me that I was getting mad and if he had to go to extreme measures in order for me to do what he wanted than he was going to do it, so I left the room and went to the guests room, he immediately followed me with his belt on his hands. I saw that look on his eyes, the same look I saw that time he was about to hit me with the bottle, I closed my eyes and covered my face and stomach with my hands and prayed it wouldn’t hurt the baby. Than, the same thing happened again, his eyes went from anger to confusion, and again I forgive him.

A lot of occasion like this repeated them selves over and over again. One day, not so long ago I decided I had enough, and couldn’t take it, so I made the decision of leaving him, but of course and as expected by family and friends that know about the situation, he cried and begged he promised to sign the divorce papers if I give him a last chance he say that one little bad thing he did and I could process the papers and now one month later, I’m sitting here thinking…

WHAT WOULD IT TAKE?

(a continuation to this story coming up soon)