The post divorce journey

Out in the world at the tender age of eighteen years old I found myself as a dancer with a stalking controlling boyfriend, then as a trophy girlfriend to a prominent trauma surgeon and then the wife of a physician, living in a country club as a stay at home mom while being told that I have the perfect life. Yet, maybe you can figure out how I became unhappy and numb at twenty-eight years old.

To guide me to my answer, I have decided to follow the great Dr. Phil’s advice in an unconventional manner and make my life autopsy an open book. Some of my family and friends have their own opinions about my approach to solving my issues but they are entitled to that because it is their own. A wise man once told me that when I made the decision to do this that some people would withdraw their friendships if they felt deep down that I may portray them in a negative light. He also told me to be ready for a wake-up call because sometimes people aren’t what they seem. So, first I asked myself ”Am I willing to take that chance?” for me and for my daughter.

As I started, part of the old me has begun to show her face and this new different me that I am getting to know again must learn how to cohabitate. Out of this unfortunate series of post divorce alarm bells either my sense of self has begun to appear or reappear, maybe both. And I would not have even noticed that had someone not pointed it out.

I have to look through the pieces of my largely unfinished puzzle and want to put it back together. So like an unfinished puzzle, people here and there know where a bit or piece goes. It is up to me and only me to put these people-esque puzzle pieces together. So that my questions can be answered and my puzzle put back together and framed on the wall. Each piece is a why, what, when, where, why did I do that, what did I see in him, why did I keep that friend and eventually how did I end up with an emotionally unavailable husband?

I have realized that the hardest thing for some people to do is not physical labor or moving a heavy piece of furniture, but is taking that hard look in the mirror and facing the truth. All just to figure out how it is that I got where I am today. Sometimes it takes life altering events to see the forest through the trees and take control of your life and your choices. Life is short. Life is precious. Sometimes we forget how important some things are and how much we take fore granted. So a higher power has chosen to compliment joy and tragedy to make me take that hard look in the mirror to take myself back, or to claim myself in the first place.

One thing I have had to learn is that I cannot let someone change my inner being because then, I will only be passing counterfeit salt.