Is It Time to Quit Your Marriage?

Should I stay or should I go? Forget the other life question’s such as “is it okay to let my baby boy play with dolls?” or “can I get away with horizontal stripes?” this is the biggie. You’ve been with this person for 6 months, 6 years or maybe 60 years they love the kids, they are there and they don’t drink, gamble, screw around or beat you. All in all they are a pretty good person, but and there’s a but there always is, your not sure if you love them anymore but on the other hand your not sure if you don’t. Should you stay or stick it out?

You know what the biggest drag is? No one – and I mean no one – can tell you what to do, only you know deep down under all the mess and confusion and reluctance to break up the established order and you have to drag that answer out and see it through.

Love is a funny beast, a shape shifter of an emotion, you try to define it and it changes; it could be described as a constantly mutating virus. I personally feel that I am not able to love anybody more than myself unless I gave birth to them. I’m not able to give of myself completely to another or mould my life around them. I don’t think many people can or if they do they are described as clingy or needy, but we seem to try and achieve that much advertised and flaunted state of nirvana. Love and attachment can be described as nothing more than a mutual gratification: You’re nice to me that makes me feel good, I’m nice to you in return that makes you feel good. Love is essentially a selfish emotion, looking at it that way it has nothing to do with roses, hot tubs, walks on the beach in the rain. Love and marriage are a business arrangement and when one breaks the deal do you sue or re-write the contract?

There are cases for gross misconduct that should result in instant dismissal: Physical or mental abuse of self or children, abuse of alcohol, drugs or gambling and of course infidelity. However, in some cases addiction and infidelity can be worked through. Punishments, embargo’s and sanctions are put in place and the offender is swiftly pulled back into line but if it happens again then summary dismissal is the only route.

But what if none of the above are applicable? Well kiddo, this is the hard one and only you can come to any sort of conclusion. By all means get help and guidance, talk it through with friends but be aware they may be biased. They may miss you and want you back in their circle or they honestly feel there isn’t anyone good enough for you (mothers are particularly prone to this) or they are frightened of the implications for them if you divorce. Unbiased advice is hard to find and you need it, you really do.

There are a few other ways to gauge the temperature. When they tell a joke do you laugh or just roll your eyes heavenward, when they are ill are you concerned or irritated? If they are working late, do you get annoyed because they haven’t eaten and their tea will spoil, or are you relived as it means you can watch CSI without some one cracking dumb jokes? Any of the latter responses, it is time to consider if whether or not your marriage is dead or dying

I think that the one question that you should ask your self before you do anything is “can I be bothered to get this back on track?” If the answer is in the affirmative then it may be possible. Try talking if you can or arranging some time together: put the kids to bed crack open a bottle or two and get a good DVD; if you are both still awake by 11pm, you may be getting somewhere. If either of you are snoring on the couch, drooling then just possibly the apathy rot is too far to stem. Try the agony aunt’s favourite; dress up sexily (that means no to the full body armour nightgown and sports socks) and surprise him/her with some thing a little more alluring. If they respond with “phroooaawww” you could be okay if the response is “did you get a haircut?” followed by them ransacking the cupboards for food, you may be flogging a dead horse.

Whatever you decide to do don’t be afraid; you will manage, you will cope and eventually you will be enjoying walks on the beach and hot tubs. I can’t guarantee if your spouse will be with you or the attractive person you accidentally hit over the head with a frozen chicken in the store, possibly it will just be you and your dog. Either way you will be okay, it will get better and you will be happy!