In My Daughter’s Eyes..

January 6, 2013 by Rebecca Benston  
Published in Marriage

When I first separated from my husband, my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to take care of my daughter on my own. That I wouldn’t be able to show her how to be a woman who could take care of herself. I had been highly independent before I met my ex-husband, but something about the prospect of having to raise my daughter without having him around scared me to death. It wasn’t that I wasn’t capable, it was more a question of how being someone’s wife had defined me. Now that I was single, who was I going to be? And how would all of this impact my little girl?

I was married for nearly ten years.  Prior to that, I had been absolutely hopeless when it came to relationships.  I had thrown myself into this relationship with my whole heart and for many years, had thought everything was great.  But things happen and people change.  Before you know it, you look around and you just don’t know each other anymore.  When it became evident that we were no longer compatible, I made the decision to leave the marriage and try to figure out who I needed to be to set the right example for my child.  Not that being a wife and mother weren’t the right things to show her, but being a wife who wasn’t happy and didn’t feel loved were things I didn’t want her to accept in her own life. 

At the time that I made the decision, we had been struggling with the aftermath of a bankruptcy, several miscarriages and an overwhelming sense that things just weren’t working.  We had never been a church-going family but it occurred to my husband and myself that since our daughter had been attending with my sister it was probably time for us to step up and go with her.  If for no other reason than to try and show her that we knew right from wrong.  The only problem with this was that my ex-husband came from a Catholic background and I had come from a Baptist background.  So, while I felt guilty about everything and was sure that I was going to Hell, he didn’t see things as being quite that serious.  And so the right and wrong we thought we knew were worlds apart.  Instead of bringing us closer together, the two of us became even more disenchanted with one another and it became obvious that there was no fixing what we had broken.  Of course, looking back on it I know that if we had hung in there we may have been able to fix things, but that wasn’t an option at the time. 

So, with that as a backdrop, I went ahead and moved out with my little girl.  I took a new job and we began living our new life.  I tried to focus on going to church and figuring out what I needed to do to be forgiven for all of the years I had spent in sin.  It took a long time before I figured out that I only needed to acknowledge Christ as my Savior and accept that He had already paid for my sins with His blood.  In between here and there, I made many mistakes.  I dated the wrong guys, I let the wrong people into my life, and I lost my temper more times than I can count.  In the beginning, I acted like the biggest idiot.  I was angry and bitter and all I could focus on was how much my ex-husband wasn’t willing to do to fix our marriage.  I carried that around for at least a year and even ended up dropping out of church for about three months.  I was just so angry that I didn’t want to be around anyone who was upbeat or happy. 

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