How to Keep Stealing Your Husband’s Heart
February 20, 2008 by Anne Lyken Garner
Published in Marriage
Indispensable tips on how to make him choose only you.
As the heading suggests, these are tips I have learned from years of marriage about how to make your husband choose you every time.
In the world we live, where successful men are almost headhunted by beautiful, equally successful, younger and powerful women. It is vital that wives, (who are often, but not always, spending all of their time working and looking after the children), know how to make that man who’s married to you, choose you above the other women with whom he comes into regular contact.
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Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
If he is a good dad and a faithful husband, don’t pay too much negative attention to small issues like his inability to remember to get you flowers on Valentines Day for example.
Yes your friend’s husband always remembers, but does he do all the things your husband does for you at the times when it really matters. No one is perfect, and the man who remembers to send flowers at Valentine may be the man who feels he can use the flowers to make up for his inadequacies in other areas. I am categorically NOT saying that every man who brings flowers feels guilty for either spending too much time with his friends or not helping with the kids enough etc. This is far from the truth.
The point I am trying to make here is that it is more important for a man to be attentive to his wife on the days in the year when he has no special reason to be. It is nice if he does do these things, but if he doesn’t, while supporting you every day of the year, give him a break. He’ll soon work out the romantic stuff by himself. Nagging him won’t bring him any closer to you. Maybe sending him flowers one year may embarrass him enough to bring him to his senses.
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Listen to Him
‘Listening’ is such an overused cliché these days that it’s been forced out the other side of its true value.
Women want a man who listens to her, but we never think that men want a woman who listens to him. If you were doing all of the listening, but he never sat down and paid attention to a word you said, how frustrated would this make you? Now turn that around and you’ll see how unhappy he must be because of your blasé attitude about his need to express himself. It takes a bit of wringing to squeeze information out of my husband about his work, colleagues, concerns, projects, etc.
But once I’ve wrung it out of him, his testosterone- fuelled pride relaxes and he is able to talk and talk and talk… I listen. Just like it’s his job to be my listening junkie, it’s mine to make sure that when he thinks of a woman who listens to him, the face that shines brightly out of the crowd of women he talks to, is mine. When he needs to clear his head and really talk, he’ll come home, not go out to the pub with a “friend” because I’m the one who’s stolen his heart on this front.
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Be Affectionate
While many mistresses are known for their ability to be affectionate, men often complain about their wives starving them of affection. Somewhere between the two, there is a wide unfulfilled space. Women expect their husbands to give them an impromptu neck massage after they’ve come home from work and have taken off the monster heels, to kiss them as they part and when they see each other again. To spontaneously give them an affectionate hug as they stand doing the washing up by the sink etc.
This feels good to a woman, it tells us that our husbands still find us attractive, even after the extra weight and the stretch marks Well, men need to be told this too. A man needs to know that the woman he married still finds him attractive regardless of the beer belly and the progressively stranger and more potent whiffs that unbeknownst to him, emit from his body. If you’ve never spontaneously hugged your husband and told him you loved him, do it now. As his wife, you should be the one showing him how sexy and desirable he is. Getting this kind of reassurance from you means that there is a very large possibility he won’t want to find out whether other women find him attractive or not. I am not advocating that men never stray if they’ve got wives who show them affection, because some probably still do.
What I’m saying is that if a man’s wife does not create for him a drought of affection, getting it from random colleagues wouldn’t seem like a something new and different to him. (Regardless of what we would like to think, every day our husbands are touched by other women. Innocent touches mind you, as women often talk with their hands and generally playfully hit the men they’re around.) A person who eats steak regularly wouldn’t salivate when plate of half-cooked chops is held out in front of him.
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Space the Nagging
My husband is incapable of putting away his shoes. When we first married, I nagged and nagged to get him to do so. After a year or so, I realised 2 things. 1. He would never remember to put away his shoes on his own. 2. This was seriously getting on my nerves and making me very angry at the man I love. I then decided that I had two choices if I was going to keep the peace.
On the wide scheme of things, stray shoes were not in the least important to the running of our home, or the state of our marriage, yet they could contribute to taking small bites out of our happiness. My first choice was to give up my anger at this and put the shoes away myself, or continue to nag him until one of us or both, fly into a rage of built up anger. I chose a fun third option, leave the stinking shoes where they were until he sees them or trips over them. Almost instantly, he tripped over them a few times and began to abuse them himself under his breath. He still leaves them around occasionally, but now when he puts them away, he does that because he wants to and because he knows that I don’t like them lying around.
The simple decision of letting go has enabled me to see the shoes without seeing red. I even on rare occasions, put them away myself. The next thing I want to let go of is my angst about the papers he leaves around the house when he’s marking exams. Make a choice to let go of one thing. Decide upon the most unimportant thing in your marriage that you’ve taken up issue with and can’t let go. There is one thing that makes you nag at him even though you know it makes no difference to your lives or the well-being of those around you.
The woman he married was fresh and easy-going, not the nag you turned out to be. Let your husband see you, his wife as the young woman he married, allow him to see glimpses of the carefree girl with whom he fell in love. When young, fresh colleagues at work carelessly laugh at his jokes, this action to him, is something he’s accustomed to. These laughing, easy-going women are not more attractive than the slightly wrinkled but young woman, responsible mother of his kids, who takes care of him, because she is just as carefree. Alas, you’ve stolen his heart again.
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Take Care of How You Look
Of course some of the other women your husband comes into contact with, are mothers and wives and have no more time to take care of themselves than you do. But they still make a special effort. Many times, the person who sees us at our worse is our husband. Why? We try our best for our friends and our colleagues, why not him?
It is difficult to find the time to always look our best. Of course as a working mother of 3 young kids, born 3 and a half years apart from each other, I know. But I try to make an effort for him as he does for me. If your husband stops washing himself, brushing his teeth or fixing his hair and walk around with his dressing gown all day long, would you still be attracted to him? You go out to work and the men you see there are always at their best.
Of course you never see their sloppy side, but they all have one. Years of being a slate wiped clean of any femininity or sexuality would erode some of the attraction a man feels for even the most beautiful of wives. Let your husband choose you because even though you look after the kids and work, he can see that you try your best to look good. You may not always have the time to do it, but you make a good effort.
Keep stealing his heart so that there would be no place left in there for anyone else to. Pop by my blog, http://www.myrelationshipsupermarket.com (The Relationship Supermarket.com) for some more relationship-based articles.
Liked it
February 20th, 2008 at 6:53 am
Great article!
February 20th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Very interesting article, Anne.
February 20th, 2008 at 8:25 am
great article! i particularly liked your intro.
February 21st, 2008 at 12:32 am
I keep telling my wife these things. (LOL)
Very good article.
I read this just because your stuff is interesting by the way.
February 21st, 2008 at 8:58 am
Great article! Thanks and take care!
February 21st, 2008 at 10:30 am
Hi Anne — Gee, what an interesting wife you are. I’m sure 90% of the men who read this are saying to themselves, “Yep, that is true.” Some women like you seem to have developed insight that others never receive. I will print this article and leave it in a place my wife will be sure to see it! LOL. Nice job, as always. Best to ya…
February 21st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Thanks for your helpful comments everyone. It really feels good to get positive feedback like this.
February 21st, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Ah shucks Ed, what can I say. Thanks
February 21st, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I like the way you add good sound advice with humor. Great job.
February 23rd, 2008 at 7:58 pm
It is just not worth it to worry about the stray shoes… just move forward…laughing..
February 28th, 2008 at 10:33 am
really good…. helpfull tips u know..
February 28th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
First of all, wives who do all of these things may or may not be able to count on their husbands’ fidelity. Fidelity is about feelings. Even if a wife does all of these things, a husband may still want a “young, powerful, attractive woman” without stretch marks and a vagina that feels like parking a GEO Metro in a 3-car garage. Husbands are human beings, not machines wives can program to be monogamous. Can we one day speak intelligently about affairs?
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:32 am
Hi ZZ, I am surprised that you read this article and came to this conclusion. I would’ve thought that it was difficult to twist a piece that says we should work towards making our marriage a happy one, to one which says if you work hard enough your partner won’t cheat on you.
Thanks for your comment, it is much appreciated, but I have two of my own. 1. Reread this article and you will see that it does not say what you seem to think it does, and 2. Maybe we SHOULD speak intellegently about affairs since I am not the one who’s an expert in them, maybe you would be able to give me some good pointers.
March 3rd, 2008 at 10:44 pm
…your title enticed me, but could
). So the
not put it together, with what I
thought about you
article was surprisingly enjoyable.
Very good points
March 10th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Well, you sure had me going with that title. I almost didn’t read it, but I’m glad I did. Your advice is right on as usual. The only way I can get my husband to talk is to give him caffeine. Then he talks for 24 hrs. straight…
March 13th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I don’t think I twisted anything. Why are you so defensive? I’ve been married 16 years, and I have never had an affair. So, I won’t be able to help you there. Or were you being sarcastic? I read the article and the part about “mistresses” being known for “being affectionate” and realized that men who turn to mistresses may or may not be getting affection at home. Indeed, many women I know whose husbands cheat or have cheated were affectionate, good listeners, and loving. Cheating may have nothing to do with these things. It may be things the wife can’t control. That was my point.
March 30th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
This is very interesting.
April 1st, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I was ready to chastise you! good going!!
May 1st, 2008 at 6:02 pm
This is cool. I may apply this when I get married. Not the stealing part though. Lol..:-)
June 6th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Graet article Anne! I met my husband when I was 15, got married at 18 and we have been together now for fourteen years. By doing exactly what you say here it still feels like we are newly-weds! I truly believe that every woman should read this and follow your advice!
June 11th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Thanks for the comments everyone. Christy, thanks for your validation, I love stories of couples living and working as a team. Too many people now decide that marriage is not for them.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:52 am
hi anne im 20 years old & recently moved in with my boyfriend who is 27. we have two kids together a 3yr old and 1 yr old. we moved in january 2008. we have a lot of arguments. im really affectionate towards him i always want to hug him an kiss him but a lot of time he pushes me off sometimes hell do it on his own. lately he tells me he want to sleep in the living room because he gets hot. our room could get stuffy. and he is a big guy so he gets irritated fast. i feel really bad because i want to cuddle with him. then he want to watch sports and the kids are making noises he gets irritated and tells me next time im going to go watch it at my friends house i could never watch a game in peace. i tell him well its not fair we have our kids and we can do whatever we want he tells me he doesnt care. i try talking to him to tell him how i feel i tell him that im in love with him and that i care for him alot and he tells me he doesnt care. he thinks that im just trying to be annoying. yesterday was our 5 year anniversary of being together. i also tell him to help me with the kids more and he doesnt. i really dont want to leave him. i really love him. i know deep inside me he does care for me but this is the way he’s always been. i dont know what to do please give me some advice. i really needed im really depressed.
June 12th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Dear Liz,
You paint a very bleak picture of your life with your boyfriend. If you’ve moved in together recently, and have a 3 year old, then I’m guessing that you’ve lived apart for most of your relationship.
It sounds like your boyfriend is bitter about having to give up his single life of freedom, a freedom that one willingly surrenders when one decides to have children.
I’m really sad to say this, but in order to see where he really stands in this relationship, it sounds like it would be a good idea to move out again and live separately once more. It looks like it’s time for your reluctant live-in boyfriend to be presented with (not an ultimatum) but a choice.
Does he want to continue with a life of a singleton (in which case, he’s not a good influence on the kids), or does he want to rightfully take on the responsibility of being a father – not just a financial provider.
You sound like you’re trying your utmost to keep this relationship together, but unfortunately, a relationship is just that. A relationship! 100% from both parties.
Many times children without a dad around concoct fantastic,heroic dreams of what a father figure ought to be. Meanwhile, kids whose dads live with them and totally ignore them, receive in real-life a negative picture of that same figure. It’s hard to pick one if the choice should present itself.
It sounds like you’re already father and mother to these kids as the example your boyfriend is setting (of a real dad’s involvement) is a lot less than perfect.
You said that you know deep inside you that he cares for you. Is this notion so deep because it’s been so long since he’s shown you this love, that you’ve almost forgotten it’s there?
You are no longer on your own, you’ve got kids to bring up, and if this man is causing you to become depressed (this would impede your ability to care for your kids), you should consider moving out then disscussing your relationship – just the two of you.
Tell him that you’re giving him the space to work out what’s really important to him. Let him know that you’re depressed and that you’re serious about where you go from here. Most importantly, let him know that you’re not after a half-hearted relationship. Tell him where you’ll be for the next 2-3 months and that you wouldn’t be in contact during this time(but he can make arrangements to pick up the kids from your mum or family friend and spend time with them) as you’ll be waiting for his decision. After this talk leave him alone. When the period you’ve given him is up. Meet and talk. I suspect that you’ll find out during this time, that the feeling deep down inside your heart, may be wrong after all.
If he keeps his visits to his kids regularly, and he comes back to you with a solid plan, consider this. If he’s been just the same, you’ve got your answer, and would’ve see the picture of your life for the next 20 years. At that time you would be able to decide if that’s what you want for yourself and your precious babies.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:55 am
hi anne i really dont want to leave him he tells me that he does care for me and still wants to be with me but that i could get annoying when i tried to tell him my feelings. he doesnt go out to parties or anything like that he will go to his friends house here and there. but he never comes home late. i just want for him to understand how im feeling. i dont want to leave i waited so long for us to move in together that i woulndt want to be away from him anymore.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:22 am
Dear Liz, I may have misunderstood you. He seems to be a good boyfriend, so there is no reason for you to feel depressed about the relationship.
If your only unhappiness with the relationship is your unfulfilled desire for him to understand how you’re feeling, then this is not problematic at all. You simply have to try to explain this when he’s relaxed after work and the kids are asleep (when he is less likely to become annoyed).
Cook him a nice candle-lit meal at the end of the tiring, hard day (you both would’ve had), and while you’re sipping drinks on the sofa, turn off the TV and talk.
I wish you both every happiness.
June 22nd, 2008 at 1:42 am
my husband recently told me that he has thoughts of sleeping with other people and that it’s really hard to push out of his head. he said he doesn’t think he would actually do it because it would hurt me. we have been together since i was 15 and he was 17. we got married at 18 and 20. we’ve been married for two yrs now. i’m affraid that later on down the road it will be hard for him not to sleep with other people. he is a very sexual person. what can i do to help him stay more focused on me? is it normal to think about almost every woman he sees, even some of the females in my family?
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:37 am
Dear Brooke, It is normal for people to have sexual fantasies(perhaps not so normal to have fantasies about your female relatives), but not something to get overly worried about nevertheless.
Your husband has volunteered this information which means two things. 1. He has confidence in the openess and honesty in your relationship. 2. He is looking for your help (involvement).
I cannot say what exactly he wants from you, only he knows this. Maybe he wants you to offer to do role playing or something,but you would only know the answer if you ask him.
Fantasies (especially ones expressed like your husband’s) hardly ever lead to practise. In fact, they can sometimes result in an even more interesting sexual relationship between the husband and wife.
His being a ’sexual person’ doesn’t automatically mean he’ll be unfaithful. The best thing you can do is to sit down and talk with him and find out exactly what he wants from you.
When he tells you, (I’m sure he’s dying to) don’t feel that you HAVE to agree to everything even if you feel uncomfortable with them. Try what you will also like, and come to a happy compromise with other things.
You both are still young, you rightfully belong to each other so don’t be afraid to experiment. Your husband trusts you to tell you this most intimate (almost shameful) secret. He’s done a good thing and from you’ve expressed in your comment,I can only conclude that he has no intention of cheating on you.
Of course I do not know all the details, but this would be my conclusion. Don’t waste your young, happy marriage worrying about a future situation that will never happen. You’re missing out on an exciting ‘now’ Brooke. Enjoy your husband and most of all, let him see that you do not view any of his naughty fantasies as your ‘competition’. He will see that you have confidence that you’re enough for him, this alone is irresistible for a man.
June 22nd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
thank you so much for your advice. i really appreciate it. it makes me feel alot better.
July 20th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Interesting perspective on the relationship thing! The comments here are equally interesting. Have you started a ‘Dear Aunty Anne’ agony column? LOL
If so….’Dear Aunty Anne, …..’ LOL
July 20th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Actually Louie, I have a vibrant agony aunt column. Have a look at my article ‘10 sure ways to get over him.’
July 20th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
These are excellent tips, and great reminders for us married women. That number 4 tip is my favorite because it was right on target
My husband thanks you with all his heart! LOL
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Anne Thanks for your article, very deep.
Anne what are your thoughts on husbands who has habit of eye flirting, rather addicted to it? What might they get through this behavior? I feel really bad when something like this goes on right in front of my eyes. I tried to confront him with this and he says that it is nothing serious. Actually this turns me off and then I am unable to communicate and love him like you wrote in your article. Thanks once again heartily.
May 24th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Hi, Bellina,
While it is generally normal for men to look at scantilly dressed women, I think that it’s only natural for considerate men to keep their wives’ feelings in mind.
If he only looked at women when you weren’t there, you wouldn’t know and wouldn’t be upset, would you? It’s clear that he is not really considering your feelings, but the last thing you want to do is nag him. This will only make him do it all the more. Maybe it’s come to a point where he doesn’t even want to look at the women, but is only doing it because he knows it will wind you up. This, of course is senseless and cruel, but without any information about your husband, I cannot say why he would want to upset you for no reason at all.
I can offer a suggestion. Show him that his actions have no effect on you by having ‘your days’ and ‘his days.’ By this I mean that you can agree before you go out whether or not he’s allowed to look around or keep his eyes on you. On ‘your days’ he’s only allowed to keep his eyes on you. On ‘his days’ he’s allowed to look around to his heart’s content. This only works if both parties are playing fairly.
You will see that this will serve two purposes. 1. It will show him that you’re no longer threatened by his inconsiderations. 2. It will help you to build up your confidence despite his roving eyes because he will be ‘flirting’ on your terms.
My husband always keeps his eyes on me when we’re out, but if he were to look at someone else I wouldn’t be threatened. He’s with me. If he did look around, I’d say, ‘Hey. I’m over here,’ just to lighten up things.
Like I said, based on the very limited information that you’ve provided, this is all I can offer. Of course if your husband’s problem extends to other inconsiderations like treating you badly or verbal/physical abuse, this is something totally and utterly different. If the problem is *just* his roving eyes, there’s hope yet
May 26th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Hi Anne,
Thanks so much, good advice.
Before going outside I try to remind him not to do the things, which hurts me but it is very hard for him not to look around and nagging makes me feel guilty. I will surely try to work out through my days and his days.
My husband does not treat me bad verbally or physically, but he has communication problems. He could never communicate what he likes or dislikes or wants or does not want or wants to go or does not want to go, or wants me to do or does not want me to do. This is so problematic sometimes that always I have to understand him myself, without his help. He is so demanding that if I do not understand him he will irritate on me because something is not coming to him without asking. And to top on this his roving eye thingy eats me up so much that secretly I hate going with him outside. Yesterday we all went together for kids movie and he would not communicate with me for all hours we were outside. I usually have to fill up my communication tank through friends or mother or sister.
Sharing does make me feel lighter.
I feel good now, thanks
September 6th, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Great article! I’ve really enjoyed!
Take a look at similar webpage with so many great tips!
http://www.howtokeephusband.com
September 8th, 2011 at 6:44 am
I love the way yuo write. Simple and truth!
I’ll recommend this article to my friends.
September 8th, 2011 at 1:47 pm
Thank you for all these useful information. All married women should really find some time to read this.