Crossroads 2012

December 27, 2011 by Hollie Burns  
Published in Marriage

Heading into a new year with questions and trying to hope for a better future than a past.

Another new year is upon us and I must say I’m probably more skeptical about this one than I ever have been.   In the last few months, the life I’ve known was jerked out from under me and I’ve completely lost my footing.  What I thought was a “good” marriage, turned out to be not so “good” for my husband.  We didn’t fight, but we didn’t do things as a couple, either.  We, or maybe I, was just on auto pilot.  I was probably oblivious to the fact that we weren’t as happy as we once were.   We just existed or co-habitated with our little family.  We were good as a family, but we weren’t a couple anymore.  He’d had medical issues for the first time in his life and I made excuses for his behavior and the way he treated me.  I thought it was how he was dealing with his health.   He would have me in tears the way he talked to me, and he never knew it.  I just kept going back to the scriptures we used in our wedding vows.. “Love endures all things.”…for better, for worse, right?  I thought his health scare would be “the worse” part.    It seemed like our lives, our marriage changed in an instant. 

I consider myself a spiritual person, and am becoming even more so, and try every day to make things better in my life, but the last few months have truly been a struggle.  I pray for God’s Will in my life…that I am right where He wants me to be.  Struggles are part of life and maybe God puts struggles in our life to bring us closer to Him. I have probably talked to Him more in the last month, than I have my entire life.  Bitterness, tears and the heartbreak still set in some days and probably depression, too. Those are the prayers that I just close my eyes and say “HELP” outloud.  No matter what happens, I hope my relationship with HIM continues to grow.   I know that I need Him to help me now and for the rest of my life. 

I’ve done alot of stupid things in my life that I’m not proud of.  I’ve hurt alot of people and maybe someday God will give me the opportunity to apologize to those I’ve hurt.  Maybe the struggles I’m having now is because of all those things I did in my youth.  I know that God has forgiven me, but maybe I need to ask for others forgiveness, too.  Will my life not improve until I have faced those that I’ve hurt so badly in the past?  They’ve probably moved on in the 20+ years that have passed, but I’m sure they haven’t forgotten the pain I caused them.  I haven’t forgotten.  I’m sure I never will. 

As for 2012, my life is at a crossroads.  I could have a better marriage in 2012 than I have ever had, with God being the center of it.  My life could become everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.  Or…it could be the hardest year of my life, starting over at 46 years old with a 15 year old son.  Only God knows my future.  Leaning on Him has gotten me this far and I am finding a “peace that passes all understanding” and a calm that I couldn’t see just a month ago.  But I feel it now.  I can feel Him changing me.  Maybe God is changing me to help my husband with the battles that he’s facing right now.  It breaks my heart to see him hurting through all of this.  Somedays it gives me chills, seeing how He is orchestrating everything that is happening to me.  I know HE has a plan for me.  I just have to wait.  I have to be patient.  I have to let HIM work on my husband and pray for him.  I pray for the grace and the calm to handle what is happening in our lives right now, and I know that I will be ok.  

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One Response to “Crossroads 2012”
  1. lxdollarsxl Says:

    I am no psychologist, marriage guidance councillor and not a believer – saying that i do know all marriages have to be worked at, relationships do change sometimes for the worse. Personally i think this happens when the talking stops, or you stop being honest with a partner. No matter what the medical problem i think people tend to hide their feelings about it, saying only that things will be all right. That’s not being honest the problem needs to be made quite clear, also telling your partner you are there to help them through it – but not be a servant or someone to blame for whats happened – be blunt and make it clear. Then and only then can you build back up your relationship. I wish you the best in the coming year and hope your problems will vanish to the past.

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