A Perfect Divorce

Divorce happens. The manner in which divorcing couples conduct themselves makes all the difference in the world, especially when children are involved.
Here are some tips to help children through a divorce:

1. Avoid the messy divorce battle.
   The typical messy divorce drags the emotional well-being of the children through the muck. The parents speak ill of each other in the presence of their children. The children are stuck in the middle. The children are confused and suffer emotional trauma. The divorce battle becomes an all out war. The children are the casualties.
2. Show unity as parents.
   Parents are not divorcing their parenting duties. Show a united front.
   Both parents need to attend school conferences and school assemblies.
   In my years as an educator, I have seen far too many divorced couples who despise each other. They demand separate parent conferences. They refuse to be in the same room with each other. The children know that their parents won’t speak to each other. The children know that their needs are second to the personal vendettas of their parents.
3. Do not insult your former spouse in the presence of your children.
   Your children love both their parents. Leave your battles to the courtroom and the lawyers. Your child is not emotionally equipped to deal with the drama.
4. Talk to a family counselor.
   Parents and children cannot go through divorce alone. If money is a problem talk to your child’s pediatrician or school counselor. These professionals have many resources to help you.
5. Try to have an amicable divorce.
   Your children will be happier. They will still have to go through the pain of divorce, but at least they will see their parents acting civilly towards each other. The emotional cost to the children in lengthy trials is psychologically damaging. Children of amicable divorces, see their parents splitting up, but resolving their issues respectfully.
6. Keep the lines of communication open with your children.
   Make time to listen to their concerns. Too often parents are so wrapped up in the drama of their own feelings that they forget to listen to their children. Communicate honestly with your children at their level. Listen to them and provide reassurance
7. Share custody of your children, if both parents are capable and willing to do so.
   Children need to maintain a relationship with both parents if possible. Parents of divorce will live in separate places, but must keep their children as a priority. Do not ask a child to choose sides.
8. The needs of the children must come first.
   As parents, it often is difficult to be the adult in situations of divorce. It is easy to forget the needs of the children. But that is our duty. Children often feel that they are to blame for the parting of their parents. Their needs, concerns and feelings must be a precedence.
9. Protect your children from the anguish of knowing too much.
   Parents should not talk to their children about their adult fears and issues.
10. Seek outside counseling for both you and your child.
    Many times parents for one reason or another cannot separate on pleasant terms. One partner is harboring resentment or simply abandons the family altogether. During these situations, it is imperative that outside counseling be found for the remaining parent and their children.
11. Let your children’s teacher know that your family is going through a divorce.
    Keep the lines of communication open with the teachers of your children. A school counselor can help your children as well.
12. Divorced parents need to find a support system.
    Parents need to be emotionally ready to support their children through the divorce process. Parents cannot help their children, until they are strong enough to help themselves. Parents need to connect with other adults who have been through a divorce.
13. Parents tell your children that you love them every minute of every day. Tell your children that your love for them is unconditional.

Remember, divorce can happen to the seemingly most perfect of marriages. Marriage does not last forever. However, parents need to be proactive in getting the help they need both for themselves and their children. Your family can get through the pain of divorce, move forward and be happy again.