But ignoring the other person’s attacks is not productive either, since this will not resolve your conflict. This only creates pent-up emotions that will someday resurface, perhaps even stronger. If your spouse cannot be stopped from shouting painful words, you can physical excuse yourself from the situation and say that you will return when you are both ready to have a decent conversation. Take a time-out.

When it comes to expressing yourself in these charged moments, it helps to use the “I” message. To construct one, describe the behavior that is interfering with you, then describe the feeling that the behavior produces in you. To complete the sentence, give your reason or wish. For example: “When you curse me like that, I feel so disrespected and hurt that I can’t listen to you…”

Let your husband have his chance to speak too, and try listening to what he is really saying. Identify the thoughts and emotions behind his words, and mirror these back to him. In counseling, this is called reflective listening. Ask yourself: “What is this person possibly feeling?” Think of the feeling word that best describes the emotion being expressed, then put that word in a tentative sentence form. When your husband has an outburst, you can say something like: “It seems that you are very angry with me…” By doing this, he will feel that you understand him and thus, he will calm down. Remember, angry people need to relax before you can have an intelligent and meaningful dialogue.  This is called empathy, which is the ability to enter the world of the other. Empathy is the language of the heart that allows couples to engage in a dialogue. When your spouse feels understood, he will then be ready to listen to you.

Agree to stop this hurtful pattern before the next argument happens. Couples need to establish their basic “rules of engagement” to avoid loading up on unresolved conflicts that threaten the marriage as a whole. Learn to speak and listen without being defensive. Learn to validate each other, and express love and concern.

Conflicts can lead to growth and happiness if resolved, but can lead to distress if not addressed respectfully. Married couples must confront issues with caring, recognize their individuality, and learn to negotiate for a win-win situation whenever possible through compromises.

I also have links to my other articles through my blog: Sharing my Thoughts.

Want to know how to earn extra dollars through writing articles like this? Just visit: http://www.jejeizahfaye.com/2010/01/earning-through-writing-articles.html

1. Highly romantic, sweet, and protective. Especially early on in their relationships, abusive men lavish their women gifts during courtship. This is because they see women as trophies to be won over and objects to possess, and not people to enter equal partnerships with.
2. Controlling. They tell a woman what clothes to wear, which people she can see, and where she can go. They practice a punch-card relationship their women must check in with them where they are and what they are doing all the time. They have the final say in any decision.
3. Encourage dependence. They discourage women from advancing their careers and see a woman’s financial independence as an affront to their manhood. Financial dependence is an instrument of control over women.
4. Early signs of violence.  As boyfriends, they often tap, nudge, or place their hand on their girlfriend’s shoulders during arguments. This need to lay a finger or grab a hold of their partner often foreshadow their heavy-handed ways.
5. Demands special treatment. He eats foods different from hers and has access to resources she does not.
6. Name-caller.  An abusive husband often puts down and embarrasses his wife, calling her stupid, lazy, fat, or ugly. He often does this in front of their children. He not only undermines her self-esteem, he ruins her stature among her own children as well.
7. Manipulative dad. Abusive men often dote on their children with lavish affection to get them on their side. They manipulate impressionable children into rejecting their own mother. When a wife threatens to leave, wife-beaters often hold their children hostage to keep her in her place.

I also have links to my other articles through my blog: Sharing my Thoughts.

Want to know how to earn extra dollars through writing articles like this? Just visit: http://www.jejeizahfaye.com/2010/01/earning-through-writing-articles.html

Photo by CarbonNYC  http://www.flickr.com/photos/carbonnyc/2190458865/

They can be fun, charming, witty, and exciting.  These men are often the ones who have interesting careers and dynamic social lives.  Thousands of them can be found in the major cities all over the world.  They are on the lookout for beautiful or even smart, and fascinating women.  They are well versed about food, wine, travel, politics, and the arts—but marriage material? Doubt it.  Even though these men are fun to go out with, marriage or even a long-standing commitment is not in their schedule, despite their protestations otherwise. 

Janis Spindel, a famous New York matchmaker says, “I know several serial daters (and I do not fix them up with women), and they often say that they haven’t met the right woman yet, one who ‘shares their values.’ Hello!? If you can’t find a partner who shares your values in a great city that is filled to the brim with extraordinary women, excuse me, but there’s a problem.” 

Having been accustomed to their life alone, they are comfortable with their lifestyle and have set their ways enjoying the excitement of dating and sleeping with a lot of women.  If you just want to hone your dating skills, you may go out with one of these men, but never ever fall for one.  If you do, you are setting yourself up for a lot or heartaches. 

Signs of a Serial Dater

Janis Spindel recommends the following checklist.  If two or more of the following are true of your date, you may have a chronic problem on your hands.

1.         You met him on an internet dating site (these men think of the Internet as the depot of dating)

2.         He’s a professional, over forty, and has never been married.

3.         He claims that he plans to settle down and get married but the truths is he has not been in a committed relationship in over two years.

4.         The first few dates may be fantastic, but soon he simply stops calling without even a break-up notice.

5.         He’s charming but can never achieve psychological intimacy (although he has no problem getting you into bed with him).

6.         He loves to talk about his work above all other topics.  The reason behind this is that they are married to their jobs, which is why they aren’t married to a person).

7.         He knows the latest buzz on trendy bars and restaurants– often even before they are open (the serial dater is always more excited to be seen at hot spots than spending time with someone he could potentially share his life with).

8.         He prefers to spend his weekends alone or with male buddies and has no interest in seeing you.

So, without further ado, here are some dating “rules” that have outlived their usefulness:

1. Waiting for the guy to make the first move: Ladies, what are you waiting for? If you see a guy who looks hot, approach him! True, many guys tend to think that a woman making the first approach must have sex on her mind but look at it this as the perfect way to find out how he views women in general. If he thinks you must be ready to get hot and dirty just because you approached him first then he’s clearly a loser.

2. Waiting for the guy to call you: Now, I’m not even sure where this rule came from. Who exactly said that a woman can’t call a guy after a date to tell him that she had a great time? Again, what are you waiting for? Or, feel free to simply send a short email or text to tell him.

3. Letting him tell all the jokes: We guys love being the center of attention and the life of the party but we also like to sit back and be entertained. And, no, I’m not referring to having you striptease for us. Make us laugh sometimes. Crack jokes. And not just self-deprecating ones that show us how low view yourself. Tell us real jokes. Ask puns. Stop waiting for us to provide all the entertainment.

4. Doing all the cooking: In my own personal opinion, anybody who can’t cook – man or woman – does not deserve the right to be called an adult and if you’re with a guy who is having you do all the cooking then I’m afraid to tell you that you’re not with a man. You’re with a boy. Besides, you’d be surprised at how much some of us really like cooking sometimes, and I’m not just talking about Hamburger Helper, either.

5. Having him pay the bill: Okay, I did talk about this in an earlier article about chivalry and I’m not about to back-pedal. Most men will automatically pay for the bill but it would certainly show us you had a great time and that you’re willing to take the initiative by at least offering to pay first and not just assuming that your guy will pay. I don’t think I have to remind anyone of the cliché about ASS-U-ME-ing.

ActionSammy

(Be sure to look for my upcoming first book, First Degree Lust, this spring!)

• He’ll embarrass you at every event.

Everyone wants to have a good time at all the holiday parties out there. Your guy still acts like he’s in college and has no concept of when to say “when”. How many years have you had to pick up his drunken butt of the floor and shove him in a cab home? Aren’t you tired of making excuses and apologies for his sophomoric behavior? If you ditch him, the only person you’ll have to worry about is yourself.

• He doesn’t gift; and if so, not well.

Stingy is not sexy. Don’t you think it’s time to get a gift you want? Irons, electric toothbrushes, pots or umbrellas are not gifts for a girlfriend…no matter what. If he gives these, or worse yet, nothing at all, wouldn’t it be better to ditch the clueless loser? It would save you time running around trying to return the lime-green snugglie he wrapped in newspaper.

• He makes the season feel colder than it actually is.

He’s been dissing you all year and now it’s reached new heights. And when he doesn’t, he makes the occasion cold with odd comments and inappropriate behavior. If he’s hitting on your grandma every year, give granny a break this year…she doesn’t have many left and shouldn’t be bothered by an onion-headed boyfriend.

• He makes the Grinch look like Santa Claus.

Not only is he terrible at giving gifts, he takes the shine out of them too. He tells you how much it costs, how long he had to stand in line to get it, what coupon he used…ENOUGH! Who needs a play by play?  

• He goes overboard on the gift spending.

He’s broke and has bad credit; that’s one thing. But what little money he has, he spends like a drunken sailor on leave in Thailand. The bills where mounting before the holidays, now you worry that someone will come by and break your thumbs. And what happened to that money he borrowed? If he said he’ll pay you back when he gets his income taxes, how will he do that if he only worked 3 weeks this year?

If you are still unsure if your loser is a keeper, at least through the New Year, ask yourself-why???

Image via Wikipedia

1.       He doesn’t talk about a future with you.

I had a boyfriend once that was very good on paper. Respectful, employed, relatively handsome, OK lover…but he never wanted to discuss a possible future together beyond making dinner reservations. Later, when he dumped me, I realized the reason he didn’t want to discuss a future; he didn’t see one. A valuable lesson was learned by all involved.

2.       You’ve never met his close friends/family members.

If he’s met your mother, cousin and hairstylist and you’ve yet to meet anyone he knows…that’s a problem. People who are important in your life at least know the existence of each other. If you still have yet to meet anyone he cares about, it’s because you are just not important enough to warrant such an introduction. And if you aren’t important to him, what kind of relationship do you really have?

3.       He’s changed from when you were first dating; for the worse.

I see this in the comments for “10 Signs You Should Dump Your Boyfriend” all the time: he was so sweet when we first started dating but now he’s changed. I asked a couple of guy friends of mine about this phenomenon and you know what they said? They said that most guys put on a gentleman front when they first start dating because the real man underneath would have women running for the doors. Would you date a man again if you met for the first date and he treated you like so much dirt? The real person you care about only reveals himself, slowly over time. He was never that nice to begin with; just good at covering his bad habits.

4.       He makes you feel unsure of yourself.

One of the great things about being in a happy relationship is that the other person makes you feel happy: makes sense, right?!? If you are trying real hard to make someone else happy but all they do is take and never give back, that person is an emotional black hole who will never give back anything emotionally. You’ll be sucked dry, feeling empty, unhappy and unloved. I would rather put out my own eyes than to feel that way.

5.       After all the bad things he does, you say to yourself “But I love him!”.

This begs to question: what is love to you? You can’t depend on your first impression (read sign #3) to say that’s why you love this chump. Love is not pain. Love is a freeing emotion that has every day looking better than the one before. Love gives you confidence to face the tough choices. Love makes you feel free.

What love isn’t is where you spend most of your time making excuses for some loser on why you should be with him. If you have to say “I love him despite…”, think long and hard about that “despite” really means.

Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you have to be with them.

6.       All you think about is how to save the relationship.

You can’t change anyone just like no one can change you. I wanted to get that out there first because it should be something you should always remember when dealing with people: men or women. That being said, if you are a round hole and he’s a square peg, you’re just not going to fit together perfectly. You might shave the sides of the square peg to fit, but it will be a rough fit and you might get splinters. I know I might have carried the analogy a little too far but I think you see the point. Trying to make a relationship work when there are a lot of problems to begin with will only leave you feeling sore about the whole process.

7.       You suspect he’s cheating on you.

When you think someone is cheating on you, chances are very good that he is cheating on you. You don’t need a lie detector test. You don’t need to hire a private investigator. You don’t need to black-light his underwear. You aren’t crazy, (unless you are. In that case you need professional help.) unless you chose to ignore your instincts, which you have already done too much.

8.       He’s abusive.

Physical and/or mental abuse is never OK in a relationship.

9.       You feel he’s you last, best shot for relationship happiness.

This is, by far, the saddest reason to stay with someone. I hope I never become this desperate to lower my standards that far to settle for someone just because they are someone.

10.   You “googled” this article.

If you are searching for signs you should dump him, it’s a pretty good sign you should dump him.

I have said this before: no one deserves to be in an unhappy relationship. There isn’t that much love in the world to deal with a terrible boyfriend. The love that you give to someone who doesn’t deserve it should be given to yourself; you’ll be happier, more productive and available to someone who will treat you with the respect and caring you deserve. DON’T SETTLE!

The first thing to remember when dealing with immature men is that they can grow up.  This applies to immature men who are young and perhaps have an excuse but also to men who are in their 50s and even older.  If you live, work with or are managed by an immature man, before you give up on him or (poor thing you) them, implement some of the tips to see if you can make them less immature or, even better, cure them of their immaturity.

The second thing to remember is that there are some men who will, no matter what, always be immature. That’s right, they could live to be 190 and still be immature.  If you try out some of the tips below and they are still immature or – please no – they become more immature, our advice is “abandon ship!”

This article continues below this image

 Famous immature men

Image via Wikipedia

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH IMMATURE MEN

Learning By Example

You can attempt to teach by example – or sort of.  First of all locate a mature man.  Once you have located one try and get him to befriend the immature man you are having problems with.  Once and if you can accomplish this – and it’s not easy – attempt to sew seeds of doubt in the immature man’s mind about his immature behaviour.  DON’T SAY “I wish you were like him” (the mature man).  Instead be more subtle about it.  Say things like “Mike (or the name of the mature man you are dealing with) is doing well for himself” or “Mike seems to be a happy/content/fulfilled man”.  Saying things like this might have your immature man analysing the difference between himself and “Mike”.  This could lead to him changing his way – fingers crossed! 

Mimicry Is Not Flattery

To put this tip into play you must first isolate and identify the immature man’s immature behaviours.  Then you must make fun of the behaviours by mimicking it.  For example if he says things that a petulant child might say, repeat them in a childlike voice.  Same with things like foot stamping and sulks exaggerate these when you act them out.  If you want to be more extreme carry out this tip in front of his peers.  Making a fool of immature men is an excellent treatment.

Reward Mature Behaviour; Punish Bad Behaviour

This tip was developed using strategies taken from leading dog trainers.  This is self explanatory.  When the immature man acts in an immature manner punish him.  When he acts in a manner which is not immature then you must reward him.  Punish by withdrawing his favourite food or bedroom activity. Reward him with his favourite food or bedroom activity.

Trial Separation

This is a drastic move but if the man really has feelings for you it should work.  A less severe form is to go away for weekends or even weeks.  We could advise that this can lead to different results – for instance he could find another partner.  Thing is, if he does or if you do (while you are away or on a trial separation) the relationship could not have been very stable in the first place.  Thus you’d probably be better off out of it.

The article concludes below this image of a caterpillar – an immature butterfly – we both know which is the more beautiful!

Image via Wikipedia

If you disagree with the tips above or have other tips which might help those of us suffering the problems inherent with sharing lives with immature men – please add them in the comments section below.

Hmmm. . . the only options you see are a nice little, “hey, give me a call at work tomorrow, ok?” or giving up on him?? This guy you actually like? You want to ditch him because you think he’ll feel pressured if you ask him to call you???

Ok, please excuse all those question marks. I was just a little startled. I forget sometimes that far too many women really do think that to ask for something – something completely acceptable and expected is somehow a sign of impoliteness. Repeat three times: “When I date someone it is ok to expect him to call me.”

Now, I am not completely insensitive to your plight here. If you’ve lived a lifetime of trying not to be demanding, a couple of extra question marks from an online advice columnist isn’t going to snap you out of it. So here are two techniques you need to learn.

First of all get just a tad out of your own head and see things from his perspective. Many people are too busy at work to field personal calls, he might just think he’s being polite. Or he might be shy he knows you have a rapport on e mail after all, talking on the phone might just be a hesitating, complicated disaster. So give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment. He’s working up to calling you, just hasn’t done it yet.

That brings us to technique #2. Learn to be creative. So you can’t bring yourself to say, “Hey buster, call me like a normal paramour already, ok?” Fine. In fact if you said it like that, it’s true you might make him feel defensive just as you worried. But what about an e mail that says, “oh, I’m totally bored at work right now the boss is out and I have nothing to do, give me a call. Here’s my number again.” Or a cute, smiley, this is a little joke between us that I know you’re nervous to call me “um, so do you think you’re ever going to call me?” at the end of a date. If you can get him to call you once or twice, he’s going to be more comfortable with that.

More than anything, he will hear this request as a Big Deal only if you turn it into a Big Deal thing you have to psyche yourself up to tell him. If you can learn to just sneak such things lightly into conversation, you’ll find you’re able to ask your beaux for a lot more. And you’ll realize that asking for the things you deserve isn’t such a trauma after all.

Russian girls and mature women who are single and want to find a reliable partner for dating and marriage. Dating a girl from Russia is simple at our matchmaking agency for singles from Russia.

Or take the case of that same girl being robbed at gunpoint in the streets of a major city. What would she rather have, a diamond or a handgun? Well, if she chooses the diamond as her ‘best friend’ she’ll lose that best friend in a New York minute. But with a handgun she gets to keep her life and her sanity, and know that she thwarted a thug who would have otherwise been trying to steal her so-called best friend or any other valuable that she had on her person. The priorities of some people just amaze me sometimes.

I’ve even heard the newest best friend of a girl’s is chocolate. Chocolate. Imagine that. That’s worse yet. Ever try to curl up to a bar of dark chocolate Godiva’s? How long could you actually curl up to it before it starts melting. Even a handful of ‘melt in your mouth, not in your hands’ M&Ms would be a messy disaster if cuddled with for over fifteen minutes in your hand. Again, a girl’s in the jungle, what would she rather have as a friend, a Hershey’s bar or anything else that would save her life? Even if she had the chocolate bar, the lion is going to enjoy that AND her. So, she loses her best friend Hershey and an arm or two. It’s not my idea of a fair fight necessarily, but no one ever informs the lions that they needed to be fair. A person just might line my wife’s pockets trying. And this all says nothing about a person who eats her best friend – chocolate – every chance she gets. What kind of best friend is THAT?

Women, you’ve got to choose better ‘best friends.’

Now before I’m accused of being overly chauvinistic I’ll talk about a man’s best friend, his dog. Has anyone ever – ever – asked a dog who HIS best friend is? Do you honestly think it’ll be his master, the man? Again, a dozen better friends come to mind. A thick steakbone perhaps. The well-groomed white poodle on the other side of the picket fence maybe. But, a man? I’ve even heard a relative say that his dog is his best friend because he talks with the family. Talks…with…the…family. No doubt they have discussions about the state of world affairs, religion, and current issues related to investing in the stock market. He says the dog knows what he wants and will come running. Essentially, he barks (?talks?) on cue, the dog, that is. The dog may communicate perhaps, but talk? I don’t think so. I was ridiculed for suggesting otherwise. A dog has got to choose better friends if he wants to survive in this world. A man – even one who firmly believes his dog actually talks to him – would be wise to do the same.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that he’s close to his family.  But there’s a family bond and there’s an unhealthy clinging.  If he still lives at home (and is of a reasonable age to be living on his own), if he visits his mom more than twice a week, or if he talks to his mother on the phone longer than he talks to you, be worried. You will never live up to his standards.  His mother raised him, took care of him when he was sick with homemade soup and a kiss on the forehead, was there for him throughout his entire life.  He will never give up that unhealthy attachment to his mom, and you shouldn’t have to try to convince him he should.  Say things get serious between you two, despite his mother’s interference: Forget about moving away from his mother.  In fact, he may invite her to live with you when she gets older and less independent.  She will be an active participant in all decisions made between you and him, whether she’s around or not.  And if there is an argument, he will always side with his mother.  Your relationship will never be you and your boyfriend.  It will be you, your boyfriend, and his mom.

The Lazy Guy

This guy has never cleaned anything in his life.  Nor has he cooked, picked up his dirty socks, or held a job for more than two weeks.  Chances are, he was a mama’s boy in a former life and had all of these things done for him, which he now expects his new girlfriend to do.  If your duties resemble those of a mother’s instead of a girlfriend’s, you know you’re in trouble.  Why would this type of man be appealing, you ask?  Because it’s a female instinct to nurture and care for others.  We see an injured bird and we take it home, feed it every two hours, keep it warm, talk to it.  The lazy guy is our injured bird.  But worse.  This guy WILL NEVER do anything for himself as long as he has someone else who’s capable of doing it for him.  This is why you need to bail on this loser.  For his sake as well as your own.  Think of it as letting the injured bird, now healed and back in good health, fly back into nature where it must again fend for itself.

The Workaholic

This man is successful, classy, well-dressed and proper.  He only buys the finest, has a fabulous house in an exclusive neighborhood, and drives a Benz.  He’s well-educated, polite, and charming, but be wary.  If he’s wearing a Bluetooth device 24/7, only discusses business, and has to pencil you in for dates, he won’t make you happy.  His work will always come first.  If you have dreams of traveling, moving to another state, or pursuing any dream of your own, you will be sorely disappointed if you expect him to support you.  Nothing, not even you, is more important than his work.

The Womanizer

This man is gorgeous, popular, fun, and a great guy to hang out with.  He’s flirty, a fantastic lover, and excellent eye-candy.  Chances are, you met this guy at a party of a mutual friend.  He approaches you, all suave and debonair, buys you a drink, flirts and showers you with compliments.  He makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.  Until, of course, you witness him play the same lines on another woman.  A good womanizer won’t make it obvious he’s cheating (yes, he will cheat!) and will try to conceal his women-on-the-side, but that doesn’t mean you can’t detect his infidelity.  He’ll get random phone calls from women that he’ll insist on taking, he’ll have increasingly pathetic excuses for being out all night, he may even call out another woman’s name during passionate love-making.  Take this as a hint.  This type of man will never be happy with one woman.  He’s easily bored and only wants to get laid.  He’s not worth your time.

The Body Builder

This man cares about his appearance.  He’s gorgeous, and he’s well aware of it, with a chiseled face and a body you can’t keep your hands off of.  And how did it get that way?  Yeah, the 9 hours a day he spends at the gym 5 days a week.  This is the type of guy who is obsessed with achieving 3.2% body fat and so spends all of his free time working out.  The rest of the time will be spent in front of the bathroom mirror, flexing his muscles and perfecting his tough-guy look.  You will never see him except when it’s advantageous to him.  There’s nothing this man loves more than a swooning woman hanging off his chiseled arm to complete his ultimate goal of being the most attractive, strongest, manliest guy around.