The Things We Do for Beauty

Sad but true, only Barbie was manufactured as the perfect package. The rest of us strive to hide, eliminate, correct, or erase those things we see as our imperfections. If God gave you a “do over” what would you change?

1. Don’t drink alcoholic beverages while you are sitting home alone, bored and planning on trying a new beauty regime. Your thinking is distorted. Example: Retinol A may work great on facial wrinkles. Don’t rub it on your ears. Trust me on this one, don’t do it. You may think that it will prevent your ears from sagging, but the reality is, it will not.

   What can happen is that you develop a huge cyst like pimple on the top of your ear which gets redder by the minute and larger. This can be painful and embarrassing. If you happen to try this, here is a good cover story (you will need because everyone will see this huge lump on the side of your ear). Tell people that it is a body piercing gone wrong. This will make you seem very hip and in sync with the latest trends. If you tell people the truth, you will be deemed too stupid to live.

2. According to my Mother, back in the thirties, there was an old wives’ tale going around regarding what every woman dreams about having. Long, thick, curly eyelashes. Which one of us hasn’t? The secret back then that was passed between the sisterhood was simple. Just cut your eyelashes off. Sounds simple, and after all, people were always said a hair cut made your hair grow back thicker.
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   Do not try this one. It does not work, just ask my Mother. In fact just the opposite happened, she was lucky to have any eyelashes grow back at all! Stick with the good ol’ mascara, ladies. Try olive oil, it’s great for removing mascara and helps your eyelashes.

3. Bright sparkling eyes. Who doesn’t want those dreamy shiny, twinkling eyes that men fall in love with? According to the same bunch that gave us the full eye lashes theory, the secret to this one was another simple remedy. Lemon juice in your eyes. Once again. Do not try this, unless you mind burning eyes. I hate to admit it, I did try it. I guess your eyes do look shinier when they are watering non-stop. This was supposedly started in Spain, back in the day before Cover Girl.
4. Does your face break out occasionally, even after all these years? Here’s a fix that was popular in the 1950’s. Apply dry ice to your face and then buff your skin with a very fine sand paper. Do I even need to say this? Do not try this. It hurts like hell, not to mention you will be walking around with a lobster red face for several days, and then the peeling starts. Not a pretty picture. I know about this one first hand, after having bad acne as a child. Fortunately I do have skin left on my face after surviving this cure!
5. Just 100 brush strokes daily will give you hair like Rapunzel. Go ahead, brush your head like a maniac and watch the split ends multiply. By the way, split ends cannot be repaired, unless of course you want to super glue them back together. Save your hair and your time. If you want to experiment on your hair, try rinsing the shampoo out with white vinegar. It will get rid of every trace of soap, which tends to dull your hair, despite the ads on TV. One more hair note, mustard plasters, head massages and other archaic remedies will not cure balding, or make thin hair thicker.
6. If the beauty products I use don’t cost massive amounts of money, they won’t do any good. This goes along with you have to use products all from the same line. Isn’t that what’s on every package, bottle and tube of what we use? Look at the fine print on the box. They always tell you that to get the best results, use along with the other 35 products that the company makes for your face. If not horrible things will happen to you. Oh dare you mix your brands of shampoo and conditioner.

   The manufacturers are so adamant about this the warning level will soon elevate to “ If you don’t use all of our products, and only our products you will suffer hair loss and terminal ugliness”. Read the labels, most of the products are the made from the same ingredients! Mix and match go on, you know you want to and I guarantee your head will not fall off. Also it’s good to remember that just like the labels on food, ingredients are listed by the amount, so the first one listed is what is used most. I’ve noticed that most of the time that ingredient is water!

7. While I remember the words of wisdom and beauty secrets my Mother passed on to me, I also remember what my father had to say about the subject. He used to tell me that real beauty came from within and just like my Mother, I was a beautiful woman. Since I have a “makeup table” which implies that I need an entire table for just my face, I think I lost that message somewhere along the line. I know that I will always be beautiful to my family, but in the mean time I will still be searching through the latest offerings from Olay, L’Oreal, and the rest of them that give us hope!