Ten Preventable Causes of Human Eyesores

1. The Comb-Over Cover-Up

   I understand some balding men can’t bring themselves to relinquish their few remaining tresses and choose to grow them long, maybe tied in a ponytail. I say power to them. They aren’t trying to fool anyone, least of all themselves. But I truly pity the man who drapes his dwindling stock of hair across his dome from one ear to the other or sweeps the hair from back to front only to have an unfortunate breeze blow his cover like a windsock. Guys, expecting a few measly strands of hair to adequately conceal a shiny globe is an unfair burden to place on such fragile, overworked tresses. Plenty of women like the bald look. Do yourself a favor and overcome the temptation to comb over.

2. The Complete Make-Over

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   I have no problem with reconstructive surgery following an accident or reparation of a debilitating birth defect. But completely remaking yourself in a vain (using both senses of the word) attempt to capture some perverted ideal through repeated facelifts, tummy tucks, breast enlargements and botox injections is sick, painful and expensive, and rarely looks natural. The rest of us can tell. (Shame on the doctors who prey on these sick souls.)

3. The Painted Lady

   The cosmetics industry has duped most women into believing they literally have to put on a face every morning. You already have a face. Why spend the money and the countless hours trying to be someone other than who you are? If you feel you must add a little color to your cheeks, use it sparingly. Remember less is more.

   I can’t say whether or not bat guano is or ever has been an ingredient in makeup, but it looks like crap and can’t be good for your skin. Save the paint for frescoes and clowns.

4. The Perils of Perfume

   If you ask them, most men will tell you they prefer the way women smell naturally. Of course they do; pheromones evolved to turn them on. Drenching yourself in fountains of perfume to mask your natural scent with that of lilacs or citrus fruit is self-defeating and a real pain for those with allergies.

5. The Camel Toe

   Ugh! Yes, people are staring at you. Yes, they are fascinated by your crotch. Indeed, they are checking you out. In utter disgust and horror! How anyone can tolerate cutting themselves practically in half with tight fitting jeans is beyond me. Please leave the camel toes to the dromedaries.

6. The Wash-Out

   Gray hair is an age-old sign of the sage. I love gray hair on an aging man or woman. It shows confidence and maturity and says, “I’ve been around the block a few times, I’m proud of it, and I can tell you a thing or two.” Unless we keel over dead before our time, we will all grow old someday. What’s wrong with growing old gracefully?

7. The Atlas Syndrome

   A certain degree of muscle tone is desirable and sexy on both men and women. Exactly when body building crosses the line into absurdity is debatable. Certainly once steroids are needed to achieve further bulk, that’s too far. You aren’t you any more. You are that guy at the gym on steroids.

8. The Rag Rug

   I’ve already commented that many women like bald heads, but vanity simply won’t let some men go there. If you are one of those men and decide to go the toupee route, be willing to spend the money for a good one. The idea is to disguise the fact that you are bald, not draw attention to yourself with a cheap rug that is obvious to everyone.

9. The Rebirth

   If you hope to regain your youth by borrowing the trappings of youth, you will fail miserably. Each generation has its slang, its music and its styles. Trying to fit in with the kids of today will come off badly. Chances are you will always be at least one fad behind. That isn’t to say you should be ignorant of the latest hits, clothing or terminology, just act your age.

10. The Faux Rich

    Pretending you have money when we all know you don’t is self-defeating. Having a few nice pieces of jewelry is understandable, but weighing yourself down in gold and jewels is ludicrous. Most people can’t tell whether your necklace is a quality piece or not and are inclined to believe the diamond is imitation even if it’s real. You pay top dollar for clothes with the correct brand name at the high-priced department store to impress your friends and consequently just squander what little expendable income you have. The exact same outfit could be bought on sale, at an outlet store or better yet, a thrift store for pennies on the dollar and no one would be the wiser.

Now that we’ve looked at the symptoms and causes of ten human eyesores, it’s time for each of us to reflect on our own health. If you are guilty of deluding yourself, remember there is hope. Most of these conditions are preventable and with some soul searching and possibly some professional help, even reversible.